Does a female CHASE a HIGH-quality male or SETTLE for an AVERAGE-quality male?

[Kevin V]

Original question that wouldn't fit in title:
Does a female CHASE a HIGH-quality male who is LESS available or SETTLE for an AVERAGE-quality male who is ALREADY chasing her and is MORE available?

I had this conversation with a couple friends of mine whom I often have deep conversations about human relationships and female behavior with.

One argues: "She chases the HQ male"

Another agues: "Neither; she ensures she is a HQ female so she is prepared for a HQ male if and when one comes along"

The other argue: "She settles, and rationalizes her decision for the AQ male is a better one and blames the HQ male for not pursuing her".

A supporting argument for the third one is that women don't like to chase (which is a counter-argument to the first one). But a counter-argument to that is she may make an exception for a HQ male.

[CoolBee]

Surely it depends on the woman?
And who defines 'high quality'? This, too, will surely depend on the people concerned?

If the apparent security of a relationship and mortgage is very important to the woman, then maybe she will settle for someone who gives her that rather than wait about for the hero that never comes?

Me, I'm holding out for a hero

[Kevin V]

One stated: A lot of it depends on what the woman is looking for AT THE TIME. And referring to the 2nd argument, one said "I agree that's what a woman SHOULD do, but is that necessarily what she does?"

Originally Posted by CoolBee

Surely it depends on the woman?
And who defines 'high quality'? This, too, will surely depend on the people concerned?

If the apparent security of a relationship and mortgage is very important to the woman, then maybe she will settle for someone who gives her that rather than wait about for the hero that never comes?

Me, I'm holding out for a hero

Also, good observation on who defines "high quality". That also makes it more interesting, since what the male perceives as high quality may differ from the female

[Brutha]

Woman don't behave like linear math equations. They are a bit more complicated.

[Theobinomy]

I don't have anything to contribute except a link about the biology of attraction.

"When they ran the double-blind test, it turned out that ovulating women preferred creative intelligence over riches, especially when they chose men as one-night stands."

The Geek’s Guide To Getting Girls | h+ Magazine

[votoshka]

Hmm well if I'm not interested in a guy (or attracted to him) it doesn't matter what sort of "quality" he is, I just wouldn't go for him

If, in my opinion, a guy is "average" and I'm not really attracted to him, or turned on by him, it probably won't be a successful relationship. But what is "average" to me, may be "high" for someone else, because we're all attracted to different things.

When my sister tells me about some hot guy she likes and shows me a pic, I'm usually a bit ??? because her idea of a hot guy is my idea of an average guy Conversely, she doesn't get what I see in the men I'm attracted to either! I think the guys she likes are okay, but I certainly wouldn't be drooling over them and vice versa.

I guess if a woman is getting older and really wants to settle down and have kids etc. she may end up settling for a guy who isn't what she initially imagined. I suppose men do the same thing! People can also grow on each other over time! Attraction/love etc. is a strange thing, and isn't always predictable. I can't even say exactly what it is that attracts me to different guys, I just know that when I see it I like it! There's no particular trait though, that I'm attracted to.

[shasah]

Originally Posted by votoshka

I guess if a woman is getting older and really wants to settle down and have kids etc. she may end up settling for a guy who isn't what she initially imagined. I suppose men do the same thing! People can also grow on each other over time! Attraction/love etc. is a strange thing, and isn't always predictable. I can't even say exactly what it is that attracts me to different guys, I just know that when I see it I like it! There's no particular trait though, that I'm attracted to.

This part made me laugh. I settled when I was younger and now that I'm older I am not willing to settle. I want it all!!! Doesn't mean I can't have fun finding it all

[CoolBee]

Originally Posted by Kevin V

Also, good observation on who defines "high quality". That also makes it more interesting, since what the male perceives as high quality may differ from the female

Absolutely. And from woman to woman.

Men do get it utterly wrong - most of us women do not like big musculatory systems. (I'm trying to get that over to a young male friend of mine with an absolutely gorgeous slim physique who is becoming seriously obsessed with body building). (For clarification - I don't mean nicely defined muscles, I mean those huge bulging shoulders and breast muscles that look like man-boobs).

We count frequency of tokens, men count size of tokens.

By which I mean: To many women, small but frequent tokens such as a random bunch of flowers, box of chocs, surprise meal, long phone call, watching some crappy movie on tv with her, skipping a ball-game just to be with her or whatever shows the man is constantly thinking of her. The man on the other hand often thinks if he buys her one big present a year that's it and he's proved his love. So the relatively hard-up student following plan A is more likely to be in favour (Higher Quality?) than the rich business man following plan B who is buried in his work most of the time.

Now in the UK and maybe US / Northern Europe where women can live independent lives, the definition of quality has shifted a lot away from 'man with steady job, reliable income, solvency, looks don't matter' to 'takes care of his body, attractive to look at, career-minded'.

Egyptian women on the whole are still stuck in the 'steady job, reliable income, right social class' mode with physical attractiveness way down the list of qualities as the society still expects the man to be the 'head of the family'.

I'd be interested for you to say what qualities you think a HQ man should have?

[LoneW0LF]

What women say and do are two completely different things!

[Kevin V]

Originally Posted by LoneW0LF

What women say and do are two completely different things!

Yep. You have to look deep into the subtext and try to understand the subconscious

[CoolBee]

LOL - yeah - at the end of the day if he has a totally hot bod, she will rearrange her quality system sharpish to accommodate it

[Minimabs]

Depends how she feels about herself inside.

You can always see how she feels about herself by the quality of mate she is with.

You can scratch your head and say - that woman has everything but is married to a loser. She is married to a loser because she thinks that is all she deserves - outside stuff is very deceptive.

If he feels out of my league, what do I have to do to get myself to feeling in his league?

[roxyruby]

Everyone just wants the high quality person to come to them don't they?

[Brutha]

watching some crappy movie on tv with her

How does watching TV show that you care about a woman?
Aren't activities that are a bit more interactive better? I understand the bit about giving flowers or giving her a massage.
But watching crappy TV, do you really have to be that cruel?

[CoolBee]

LOL what I mean is what I personally consider crappy tv and is unfortunately what a lot of women like - 'problems' shows, soap operas, and the lamentable 'chic flix' - rom coms with Hugh Grant and Julia Roberts and stuff. (My TV is semi-permanently fixed on MBC Action and MBC Max but then I'm not a typical girly).

It's not about what's on the tv but the togetherness. (The reason it can't be football is that loads of women detest it, and many men take it far too seriously and would be telling the woman to be quiet when she's trying to whisper 'sweet nothings' or 'talk about us'.)

Basically, most women want a guy who demonstrates fairly frequently that she is high in his thoughts and he wants to spend time with her. (IMHO and no, I have no research report to point to)

[shasah]

Originally Posted by CoolBee

Basically, most women want a guy who demonstrates fairly frequently that she is high in his thoughts and he wants to spend time with her. (IMHO and no, I have no research report to point to)

And to add to that, IMO, most women want a man that "knows" her. That doesn't mean he can read her mind, but know her likes and dislikes, what she likes to do and what she doesn't, and is willing to participate in something that doesn't necessarily thrill him but he knows she enjoys (at least occasionally).

[rei]

i think a woman will tend to be interested in her idea of HQ. whether others would consider that guy HQ is another story.

i think if a woman is with a guy and it's one of those 'oh my, why on earth is she with him??' situations, there is a good chance it's one of two things:

1. she doesn't have the best sense of self-worth (which is, unfortunately, quite common these days), or
2. he is actually quite high-quality to her.

i suppose some women would settle, or settle and still hold out for someone who is more HQ to her.

as CoolBee and shasah are saying, women enjoy it when a guy knows who she is and what she likes, when he is willing to do something because it would make her happy. such as seeing a romantic comedy. we women KNOW that's not the guy's cup of tea. yes, some women may suggest it as some kind of test, but many of us just want to enjoy something - and we like it when a guy enjoys the fact that we're enjoying something.

and as CoolBee said, yes, many women like to feel like the guy thinks of her and yes, that she is a top priority (not necessarily THE top priority, or not all the time). especially if she considers him/the relationship a major priority herself.

[missbhaven]

The argument that women don't like the chase never met my bff from highschool.
It depends on the woman's priorities.
While woman may seek to position herself to be available for the HQ man, should an AQ man come by with enough passing grades, she may settle.
Everyone wants to hire the genius, work for the ultra sucessful company or have the perfect partner. But if you knew what needs and wants come tops should you have to go to the 2nd tier, you would be willing to comprimise.

[Karanime]

It really depends...

I'm in high school, so what I see is actually based on perceived "rank" in the school hierarchy. Since our school doesn't seem to be so full of sex and scandal (probably because we have thousands of kids at our school), the hierarchy is literally ALL personal perception.

If a girl sees a guy who is "high quality" (in our case, probably attractive and funny), and he doesn't like her, the assumption is that he's "out of her league."

And she won't go for him.

Oof. Lots of false perceptions in that, though.

As for my relationships, I am with the best I can have. Screw compromise.

/<3

[shasah]

Originally Posted by Karanime

As for my relationships, I am with the best I can have. Screw compromise.

/<3

Every relationship has some kind of compromise. But that's not settling, that's life. I want what I want and I'm not willing to settle for less ever again. Glad you have your best!! Here's to me finding mine.

[Karanime]

Originally Posted by shasah

Every relationship has some kind of compromise. But that's not settling, that's life. I want what I want and I'm not willing to settle for less ever again. Glad you have your best!! Here's to me finding mine.

Lol, yeah. I guess I just don't really see it as compromising, because if he wants to go home and I want him to stay, all I see is a choice on my part: What's more important, being with him or being at home? Do I go with him or sit on my ass and play Starcraft?

Remember, he's the best because of my circumstances. Saying he's my best in no way implies that there isn't a better in another set of circumstances. I'm just not in those circumstances. I'm in these.

Here indeed, is to you finding yours. It's easier than you think.

/<3

[CoolBee]

Originally Posted by shasah

And to add to that, IMO, most women want a man that "knows" her. That doesn't mean he can read her mind, but know her likes and dislikes, what she likes to do and what she doesn't, and is willing to participate in something that doesn't necessarily thrill him but he knows she enjoys (at least occasionally).

Just remembering a delicious guy I once dated who bought me a Swiss Army Knife and audios of Feynman Lectures in Physics for my birthday.



That was a man who knew his gal

PS I've still got the knife - lasted a lot longer than the romance hehehe

[Brutha]

It's not about what's on the tv but the togetherness.

But doesn't produce an activity with a bit more interaction than watching TV (whatever the program) more togetherness?