Advice Needed Please

[LostSoul69]

Hi guys and gals,

I’m not really sure where to begin with this, but I feel I need some direction with my life, as I’m quickly headed toward a brick wall. I’m a 40 y/o single white male, employed in a trade that affords me an above average income. I own my own house and a couple of vehicles. I’m not exactly affluent, but I’m not starving either. I’ve never been married, and have slept with only two women, and have had a handful of dates with a few others, nothing becoming physical though...that’s it....in 40 years on this planet.

My vital statistics: I’m 5’10”, 175 lbs, short sandy blond hair, blue eyes, clean cut, and have an athletic build, as I weight train hard a few times a week, and have been doing so since I was 22. I have good teeth, good hygiene, and dress well. My demenour is quiet and always polite. Been told MANY times I’m just too nice for my own good.

Am I attractive? Depends on who you ask. I usually loathe the way I look, especially in pictures. Frankly, I’m quite ashamed of my appearance. I have a few people who are close to me, who tell me I’m everything from ‘cute’ to ‘extremely handsome’, even ‘sexy’ and ‘hunky’ looking. They tell me I have wonderful qualities, and that any woman would be ‘lucky’ to have me.

These little pep talks used to help boost my cellar-dwelling self-esteem, but now I just think that I’m being lied to. They tell me I’m nuts to think the way I do about myself. Well, prove me wrong people.

The proof’s in the pudding though. In the real world, 99% of the women out there don’t give me a second look. They never flirt with me, or encourage me to do so either. My ‘interactions’ with them are as short as possible, with them acting like they would prefer having ice picks stuck in their eyes as opposed to having to speak to me.

Now I know there are people reading this who will ask what kind of wierd, nuerotic behaviour I’m exhibiting to receive this feedback. Well, I’ll say this. I’m not sexy; I have ZERO sex appeal. I try to avoid women at all costs now, and try not to look at them (for fear that they will think I’m leering at them). I don’t engage in innuendo or risque comments as I don’t want them to get the wrong idea.

Oddly enough, I've been on both sides of this fence though. In my mid-teens, I had a soaring ego and thought I was quite literally, the best looking guy in town! I had lots of confidence in this area, and had no moral (or physical) problem leering at girls and even women in their 30’s and 40’s. I seemed to get a lot of smiles and suggestive looks in return, which made me feel even better. I never dated, but I was satisfied with having my ego fed.

I honestly can’t believe my current personality occupies the same space as that cocky teenager so many years ago. I feel like a complete shell of what I once was. The way I feel now about myself, I doubt that a hooker would even take my money. I feel like absolute trash almost every day even though I hide it at work by smiling and trying to be positive. For the most part, this succeeds. I doubt my co-workers suspect that I have these problems.

Right now, I feel like a complete failure as a man. As a measure of compensation, I’ve had a few very dangerous and difficult jobs (which many men wouldn’ t have even considered attempting), and I’ve been active in athletics.

Without success with women though, it all means nothing. I don’t even care if I ever get married or have a family anymore; I just want to get good with women. I know it sounds shallow, but I’m sexually starving. How do I satiate this hunger? Not really liking the thought of shelling out $300+ for an hour with an escort either. I’m seriously losing my desire to live the life of a Tibetan monk; death would be preferable to a life of continued celibacy. Maybe it would be best to just start seeing as many escorts as I can afford to get comfortable around women again. I don't know.

It’s so damn hard to live in a world where people are constantly being bombarded with sex. To hear people speak of it, it’s ridiculously easy to get, and if you’re not getting it, there’s something SERIOUSLY wrong with you.

I just don’t get it....Why do they find me so repulsive? I’m not obese, I bathe, I’m a gentleman....how do I turn this around? Well, thanks to those who took the time to read my novel.

[Crushable]

Attraction is never a choice with women. By the time you decide to approach them, they have already made up their mind about you. So what are qualities women like in a guy? Here is what I think:

Confidence
Leadership
Dominance
Authenticiy in character
Humor

You need to be a happy and fulfilled person first before you can be in a relationship. If your happy and fulfilled, you will naturally display the above qualities.

How do you become happy and fulfilled? Yea thats a loooong answer, but to keep it short you need to figure out 1) your identity, your life purpose 2) what you do, your lifestyle 3) making enough income to be satisfied. When you don't have these parts squared away, THATS where that lost feeling comes from.

Thats the big picture, it sounds like you want more detailed stuff or tips:

-Create a positive first impression, be aware how your coming off to people
-Look at girls you like and see what kind of guys they are with. How those guys look, dress, act

Being sexually starved sucks, but what it sounds like want you want is a loving relationship. A guy who is great with women (like me j/k) GENUINLY is:

popular, comes from an abundance mindset, is hard to get, difficult for women to control, fun, outgoing, sociable. This reply is getting a little long, so first step is for you to go figure out who you are, what you do, and make enough income doing it. This will help develop love, confidence, and self respect for yourself which is the first step toward becoming attractive to women.

[Captain Drywall]

of course no pic. We never get all the info, do we. Well I am 5-8 250 pounds. I never do dangerous work. I cant even touch my toes. Ha, women flirt with me all the time. Read Johnny Soporno it will make you a better man. Or, complain.

[Indiana]

Originally Posted by LostSoul69

Well, I’ll say this. I’m not sexy; I have ZERO sex appeal. I try to avoid women at all costs now, and try not to look at them.

The way I feel now about myself, I doubt that a hooker would even take my money. I feel like absolute trash almost every day.

Right now, I feel like a complete failure as a man.

I don’t even care if I ever get married or have a family anymore; I just want to get good with women. I know it sounds shallow, but I’m sexually starving.

There you go, buddy. Low self-esteem plus avoiding interactions with women plus desperation for sex without a relationship at your age equals zero success with women.

Learn to find value in yourself, make an effort to meet women and indicate interest in them as people as well as a means to getting laid and you'll do better. Sound too simple?

[Plays With Life]

Hi, LostSoul.

Originally Posted by LostSoul69

My demenour is quiet and always polite. Been told MANY times I’m just too nice for my own good.

Try on arrogant and see what happens.

Originally Posted by LostSoul69

I’m not sexy; I have ZERO sex appeal.

Well get sexy, mate.

Originally Posted by LostSoul69

I don’t engage in innuendo or risque comments as I don’t want them to get the wrong idea.

What, like you want to have sex with them? Like you think they're attractive? God forbid anyone thinks that about you. (I wonder why you never have sex, my man )

Originally Posted by LostSoul69

I know it sounds shallow, but I’m sexually starving. How do I satiate this hunger?

It doesn't sound shallow, to me. Maybe you could find a cuddle party in your area, as a way to get some physical touch? They're not sexual. Go to the swingers bar and find a couple who will enjoy a sexual relationship with you?

Originally Posted by LostSoul69

I usually loathe the way I look, especially in pictures. Frankly, I’m quite ashamed of my appearance.
..
The proof’s in the pudding though. In the real world, 99% of the women out there don’t give me a second look. They never flirt with me, or encourage me to do so either. My ‘interactions’ with them are as short as possible, with them acting like they would prefer having ice picks stuck in their eyes as opposed to having to speak to me.
..
I try to avoid women at all costs now, and try not to look at them (for fear that they will think I’m leering at them).
..
The way I feel now about myself, I doubt that a hooker would even take my money. I feel like absolute trash almost every day even though I hide it at work by smiling and trying to be positive.
..
Right now, I feel like a complete failure as a man.
..
Without success with women though, it all means nothing.
..
death would be preferable to a life of continued celibacy.
..
To hear people speak of it, it’s ridiculously easy to get, and if you’re not getting it, there’s something SERIOUSLY wrong with you.
..
I just don’t get it....Why do they find me so repulsive?

Here's the message I'm getting from this: "I am bad, I am awful, I am repulsive, I'm a complete failure."

And also this: "There's something wrong with me because I don't have sex, I need to have success with women before I can feel OK about myself."

And also this: "Women don't want to talk to me, talking to me is painful for women, I avoid talking to women."

All of that combined sounds exquisitely uncomfortable. "In order to feel OK, I need to have something that I'm not capable of having, that no one wants to give me, and that I don't deserve." (ie, "It's impossible for me to feel OK.")

Here are some tools I use for getting through uncomfortable and painful emotion - Emotion Tools. I think the thing to do is start engaging those areas of your life that trigger uncomfortable emotion, and find a way to feel OK in some area that would have previously triggered discomfort. Do one particular trigger at a time. You can start by thinking about it, if just thinking about it triggers discomfort. Use some or other emotion tool to find your way through to the other side of the emotion, until thinking about it doesn't trigger anything uncomfortable. Then progress from there to something in person.

[LostSoul69]

Originally Posted by Captain Drywall

of course no pic. We never get all the info, do we. Well I am 5-8 250 pounds. I never do dangerous work. I cant even touch my toes. Ha, women flirt with me all the time. Read Johnny Soporno it will make you a better man. Or, complain.

Why would I post my picture? To give people like you the opportunity to cut me down? If you haven't gleaned 'all the info' from what I've written, then reading comprehension apparently isn't your strong suit. Women flirt with you. Good for you. Thanks for the advice

[LostSoul69]

Originally Posted by Plays With Life

Hi, LostSoul.



Try on arrogant and see what happens.

Hmmm...my quietness comes across as arrogance sometimes...well not cocky and funny arrogance, just wierd arrogance I think.



Well get sexy, mate. How can you get sexy if you don't feel it??

What, like you want to have sex with them? Like you think they're attractive? God forbid anyone thinks that about you. (I wonder why you never have sex, my man )



It doesn't sound shallow, to me. Maybe you could find a cuddle party in your area, as a way to get some physical touch? They're not sexual. Go to the swingers bar and find a couple who will enjoy a sexual relationship with you?

I love that idea, but I live in a small town. I don't even think we even have a single's bar, much less a swinger's club. lol



Here's the message I'm getting from this: "I am bad, I am awful, I am repulsive, I'm a complete failure."

And also this: "There's something wrong with me because I don't have sex, I need to have success with women before I can feel OK about myself."

And also this: "Women don't want to talk to me, talking to me is painful for women, I avoid talking to women."

All of that combined sounds exquisitely uncomfortable. "In order to feel OK, I need to have something that I'm not capable of having, that no one wants to give me, and that I don't deserve." (ie, "It's impossible for me to feel OK.")

Here are some tools I use for getting through uncomfortable and painful emotion - Emotion Tools. I think the thing to do is start engaging those areas of your life that trigger uncomfortable emotion, and find a way to feel OK in some area that would have previously triggered discomfort. Do one particular trigger at a time. You can start by thinking about it, if just thinking about it triggers discomfort. Use some or other emotion tool to find your way through to the other side of the emotion, until thinking about it doesn't trigger anything uncomfortable. Then progress from there to something in person.

Yeah, you definately hit the nail on the head PWL. Hell, you should be a therapist, if you aren't already. I''l have a look at those emotion tools. Thanks man!

[Plays With Life]

Originally Posted by LostSoul69

How can you get sexy if you don't feel it??

It's all in the strut.

Yeah, get to where you feel it. If you're not feeling it, confront what you ARE feeling when you think about it. It's there, it's just covered over by some icky feelings.

Originally Posted by LostSoul69

I love that idea, but I live in a small town. I don't even think we even have a single's bar, much less a swinger's club. lol

Bummer, man. Start a neighborhood orgy.

Originally Posted by LostSoul69

Yeah, you definately hit the nail on the head PWL. Hell, you should be a therapist, if you aren't already. I''l have a look at those emotion tools. Thanks man!

Sure thing!

[mikethedrummer44]

Originally Posted by LostSoul69

Why would I post my picture? To give people like you the opportunity to cut me down? If you haven't gleaned 'all the info' from what I've written, then reading comprehension apparently isn't your strong suit. Women flirt with you. Good for you. Thanks for the advice

Well it helps to have a third party say if you're attractive. I naturally always thought I was attractive, but it didn't really "click" until other people told me. We don't usually cut people down in these forums.

Anyways, just follow what everyone else has said. Seems like a self-esteem issue, which is conquerable.

[Mikahcho]

Seems as though you've a lack in cinfidence and faith, in yourself. C'mon man, think about it ;____;

You're treating females as though they're one mindset, think individually. Even if the majority of them don't find you attractive (I doubt that) there will be a minority that do, it's just a matter of finding them! And y'know, it's not all about the looks

In the short term, it can be. If you were given the choice between a GORGEOUS girl with the WORST personality or a BAD looking girl with the BEST personality, for just one night, which would you choose? The first, no?

Girls will be looking for the latter, if they're looking for a long term relationship.

Meh, just throwing stuff out there. But seriously, you've seen those couples where the guy is ugly and the girl is pretty (they're everywhere). Maybe one day you can be that guy, if you are as ugly as you're trying to make yourself seem (: