Relationship consuming way too much time - need advice!

[Razo]

I'm 17 and throughout the majority of my relationship with my girlfriend, i have been in holidays and have been able to provide her with plenty of attention thanks to immense amount of time i had to spare. But after a while, even though i still feel strongly for her, i began to realize that i was abandoning many of my values and personal pursuits and most significantly, time, in order to keep her happy.

I would often see her a few times a week and spend immense amount of hours on the phone to her, in fact I spent so much time, that i had failed to engage in many of the activities that I had planned on what was meant to be an immense amount of spare holiday time, only to reluctantly have some lightly engaging marathon phone conversations.

Holidays have come to an end and I am now a freshman at university. Having recently examined the amount of time i'd need to dedicate to my studies, along with any other personal or social activities that would come with Uni, the reality that I can't (and don't want to) be spending three hours on the phone every night, Instant Messaging, and then seeing her at least once a week, I know that it has to come to an end.

Not only am I concerned about the certainty that she'll be quite upset that I suggest limiting the amount of time we are in contact, but i'm equally concerned about the consequences engaging in these reluctantly long conversations will have on our relationship. I believe i'm to blame for letting this happen, but i need advice.

Don't get me wrong, i remain to have very strong feelings for her and thoroughly enjoy being with her, but i need to know how can I tell her without causing too much harm, that I can no longer sacrifice any more of my time, energy and values on superfluous phone calls, so that i can dedicate it on more important things? I'd much rather a conversation with 100% attentiveness for only 20 mins rather than one at 50% for four hours, I'm afraid I'll never be able to achieve anything else or live and feel free otherwise....

[zpivat]

It seems like you two have a great connection and like each other, so if I were you, I'd have a light-hearted conversation with her, to tell her how the holiday is coming to an end, that you're now going back to earth, and that you're about to start university, and then it is no longer possible to spend time as much as you guys used to during the holidays.
It's just that you've neglected your own activities due to those "superfluous phone calls" and what not, and what can you do? Simple.......cut these interactions down! Instead of 3 hours on the phone, you can do 20 to 30 minutes, I think that's fine (isn't it better to give her an air of mystery?? I mean, if everytime you talk for 3 hours on the phone, what if you suddenly run of subjects to speak about, and find yourselves losing interests in each other? ). Then instead of "talking on the phone AND instant messaging with each other", what about changing it to "talking on the phone with each other, AND use the rest of the time for yourself, such as studying and doing other activities", OR "instant messaging with each other, AND use the rest of the time for yourself, such as studying and doing other activities"?

Having a relationship, I think, is a way to complement each other, and you shouldn't "lose yourself" in the process. It's all about proper time management. If she really cares about you, I'm pretty sure she'll understand you.

Good luck

[Dating Specialist]

Why not you present the current situation to her, and ask her for her opinion?

If she knows that your time is to be divided now among your studies (if she loves you, she won't want to see you getting flunked from college too) and other pursuits, maybe she'll be the one to suggest cutting down the unnecessary long phone calls?

I guess the main issue is to reassure her that your love for her isn't decreasing, but rather it's the practical sides of life that's cutting in now. She just wants to know you're not doing this because you feel that your relationship has hit the climax and you like to cool off!

A lot of couples function well by meeting once a week. However, communication needs to be in place, so that you guys are updated of each other's happening on a frequent basis.

All the best to you! And ya, you should start spending time to focus on your studies!

[RT Wolf]

Sometimes all you need is a line for ending the conversation. Saying something like, "Hey, it was great talking to you, and I've gotta get to work. I'll talk to you later, eh?" Of course, change it around to be less Canadian.

Or something like, "I've gotta go now, I'll talk to you later" can be quite enough and she won't take it negatively (unless you keep doing it and don't tell her that you're actually getting busier).

The others have offered great advice. Talk to her about it. She may be upset but there are ups and downs in relationships. especially pay attention to what Dating Specialist said.

Good luck!

[Razo]

Wow, thank you everyone so much for the great suggestions!

I completely agree with you 'zpivat', a relationship to me should be where both partners bond and help each other excel forward, rather than losing track on unnecessarily long unengaging conversation, and it helps keep things fresh and mysterious as you said, which is something i desire, but finding difficult to have.

I think at times one of the reasons she's bothered is by the fact that before we were together there were times where we'd have these immensely long conversations, and it felt great, but most importantly, it was different and they were few and far between.

now that we talk for so long everyday, its harder to achieve that exciting edge that mystery provided purely because we talk so often, and i'm increasingly running out of time to even try and provide anything alike.

explaining and consulting to her about the problem in the way 'Dating Specialist' suggested seems like a possible direction i'd like to try, and if i try keep it a little casual like 'RT Wolf' suggests, i think i may have earnt myself some freedom

[RT Wolf]

While mystery is great (definitely builds excitment), surprising others also builds excitement. And you don't have to surprise others with lavish gifts, just do something unexpected. If you know that she's on facebook, send her a facebook message (in case you don't regularly do that). Just find little ways to do somethign that she's not really expecting. This isn't for conversational purposes, but just a little, "Been thinkin about you". Send her an ecard for no reason. Stuff like that.

[Dating Specialist]

Originally Posted by RT Wolf

While mystery is great (definitely builds excitment), surprising others also builds excitement. And you don't have to surprise others with lavish gifts, just do something unexpected. If you know that she's on facebook, send her a facebook message (in case you don't regularly do that). Just find little ways to do somethign that she's not really expecting. This isn't for conversational purposes, but just a little, "Been thinkin about you". Send her an ecard for no reason. Stuff like that.

Remarkably true RT Wolf.

Wanting to keep the excitement is what almost all girls want in the relationship. We keep referring back to the times when love first struck, and we can't get enough of each other, hence those superbly long yet never-enough conversations and meetings.

So Razo, now that you know what her concerns are, doesn't it make it so much easier to show her that while things may not remain the same as it used to be, yet now you two have grown deeper and stronger as your feelings moved on to another phase. And do those little things that surprise her like what RT Wolf suggests to let her enjoy those good feelings which she is hanging on to, every now and then!

All the best! Grow together... and love deeper