Friends drifting apart

[Sireesha]

Hey guys,
Here is an issue that I have been struggling with for a while now. Is it possible for best friends to drift apart? I have met my friend my first year of college, almost 16 years ago. We became good friends very fast and have been best friends every since. For the past year or so, I have been noticing that we both have changed, me more than her. We are in totally different places now. I became very goal oriented and try to do the take advantage of all the oppurtunities I have. I am very interested in taking on new things (like going back to school for graduate program, aiming for a promotion at work....) I was very different from this, when I was growing up, always shy, timid, not very outgoing, afraid to try new things. My friend on the other hand, was always outgoing, confident , always speaking her mind. Now that I am doing so many things, focusing on improving myself, my friend thinks that I have become very selfish and am interested only in myself (She told me this, when I mentioned that I don't like watching news because of all the depressing news they always glorify). There have been several incidents in the recent times that she used to put me down as much as she can, yelling at me, telling me I am not a good friend, I look old , so on...
My problem now is that, I feel like I am letting too much negativity surround me trying to hold on to something in the past. I now am starting to think of our relationship as an obligation, instead of friendship. We had some minor rifts in the past, but I never felt this way.
Is it normal to feel this way? Any one faced similar issues in any of their relationships?

[Mnemosyne]

Hi Sireesha,

I have gone (still going) through a similar situation. I had a best friend throughout grade school. We went to different schools but lived very close to each other, so we always hung out and had fun. We had just about *everything* in common. Once we graduated highschool we both moved to different areas of the country to go to college. Since that time our lives have drifted very far apart. We don't hold much in common and we don't ever see each other. The story and details behind this saddens me, but it is what it is. She will always have a place in my heart and I will always check in on her when I can, but I cannot call her a best friend.

But on the other hand, I've heard of people remaining best friends even when they don't see each other for 20 years.

[Unmagination]

I think it is natural that the interests of people, even best friends, drift apart over time. The key thing is to consider if what the real substance of the friendship is intact. That is a genuine desire of spending time with, helping, supporting, having fun with, and drawing support from is still mutual.

Sounds like your friend isn't very pleasant to be around lately. Before deciding your friend has become to negative to be around perhaps you should think about the possiblity of your friend being afraid you will leave them behind with all the improvments you've made.

[missy]

This sort of thing happens.

My story is is similar to mnemosyne's - people move away, lives change and over time you have less and less in common. I don't know if it's necessarily a bad thing...it's a part of life and rare to find friends that can grow and change at the same pace in the same direction. And as people have less and less in common it's harder for people to get along (I don't think this is a hard and fast rule - it's just my personal experience with friends I've had)

[Michael Chui]

The idea of staying together forever is a bit outdated. Times change, people change, etc. and life goes on, with or without your old friends. This is a result, primarily, of the fact that it's easier and easier to find new friends with interests similar to your new interests. Sure, you don't share that same history, but that just means there's more to talk about, if you ever run out.

[Gautam]

Originally Posted by Michael Chui

The idea of staying together forever is a bit outdated. Times change, people change, etc. and life goes on, with or without your old friends. This is a result, primarily, of the fact that it's easier and easier to find new friends with interests similar to your new interests. Sure, you don't share that same history, but that just means there's more to talk about, if you ever run out.

Well said. The first rule of friendship is to not try to change your friend. The soul is what the soul is and it changes into whatever it wishes to. I guess when friendships last very long, it is only because both the people involved change together in a compatable fashion. Sometimes this is not so, and you must just let things happen. Even if it means letting go of your friendship.

Change is inevitable. Change with things, instead of trying to change things.

Hope this was helpful. All the best!

[Dating Specialist]

Yup agree! I understand it is actually painful to have to let go of such a long lasting friendship, because I have been through similar situations before.

But before really saying the good-byes, perhaps you can meet and have a good heart-to-heart chat about how her behaviour is affecting you, and most importantly definitely affecting herself. She may have some issues or is going through a tough time now.

If that's the case perhaps you might like to see how you can help her go through this period. If you drifted because of the different speed and pace of improvement and growth in life, then chances are the values aren't very in tune. In this case, it may be better to cool off and stop contacting for a while.

Sometimes, each of us need an individual space to grow better.

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by Gautam

The first rule of friendship is to not try to change your friend. The soul is what the soul is and it changes into whatever it wishes to.

I disagree with this on a nitpick, though: I think there is nothing wrong with trying to change one's friend; it is when you try to force change that's wrong. It is also wrong to force a friend not to change, as Sireesha's apparently is; again, however, it is fine to attempt to prevent them from changing.

As long as you treat your friend as an equal, rather than as someone to be pushed around, I think there are no issues.

[Milo Riano]

My bestfriend and I have been friends for more than 15 years. We are two different people almost the opposite. We argue a lot, etc on different issues but the most important thing is we respect each other. He makes his point, I make my point, case closed, it is up to us how we use the other's point of view.

Though we have somethings in common like video games.

[mrkpinero]

Would you say it's worthwhile to stick together with your best friends or just make new ones? I think the thought of being friends for so long will just strengthen the bond you share.

[Gautam]

Originally Posted by Michael Chui

As long as you treat your friend as an equal, rather than as someone to be pushed around, I think there are no issues.

True. But consider my present case with my best-friend. We are two totally different people now from how we used to be. I don't have a job and she's supporting me, and now we are no longer equal. Now what? Yes, the friendship is falling apart, bit-by-bit and we don't have long conversations from the heart anymore like we used to. It's rather ironic that earlier, I was a 1000 miles away and we stuck together like glue for over 3 years and now we're right here and we don't even talk.

The way I look at it, there is only one way to repair this friendship. That is for me to become self-supporting. But even if I do it, things will never be the same again. Like the incredible joy we used to get when we'd meet once in a year. In this present case, she's the one who's on her way to greater things in life, while I'm being that boulder that holds her back.

I'm just so incredibly moved by her persistence to help me out even after all this time that I was being such a massive burden. You don't get friends like that anymore.

So what do you do when you and your friend are no longer equals? So much so that you are dependent on your friend? How do you win back your place as a friend after all this?

[Sireesha]

Thank you for all the insightfull responses.
I am planning to have a long talk with my friend and let her know about how I am feeling.

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by Gautam

I don't have a job and she's supporting me, and now we are no longer equal. Now what?

So what do you do when you and your friend are no longer equals? So much so that you are dependent on your friend? How do you win back your place as a friend after all this?

Equality is a very funny thing. Consider this: I know something you don't. Thus, I have some measure of power over you. But: You know something I don't. Thus, you have some measure of power over me. Are we equal?

The question is, to me, nonsensical.

Consider any cross-class friendship in the days when we weren't all middle-class (well, that might not be true in India). Obviously, there's going to be a lot of friction in this relationship, because the cultural norms say you can't be equal. But when this kind of thing happens with kids, you notice that a lot of them will completely ignore such boundaries. Why? Because those boundaries are irrelevant to them.

Equality is a perception, not a fact. If both people in the friendship agree that they are equal, then they are. You can have a friendship with the most staggeringly skewed power imbalance, and yet maintain equality, because that power imbalance is irrelevant to the friendship. This is why there's no one-size-fits-all to equality in a friendship; it's different between different people.

If one person doesn't feel it's equal, then it's not. To regain equality, as you know, you have to do something about it yourself.

Originally Posted by Gautam

The way I look at it, there is only one way to repair this friendship. That is for me to become self-supporting. But even if I do it, things will never be the same again. Like the incredible joy we used to get when we'd meet once in a year. In this present case, she's the one who's on her way to greater things in life, while I'm being that boulder that holds her back.

Things are never the same; that's life. Sometimes it's better, and sometimes it's worse. Your friend has done you a wonderful turn, and her generosity is admirable. Do your best to get back onto your own feet. Once you're there, then you need to consider your own self-regard. You must believe yourself worthy of being her friend. You did before; you can again.

Because it seems to be money that has caused the perceived inequality, money may also be the way back. Be the one who treats the other to dinner every now and then. Buy her gifts for whatever occasions. They don't have to be lavish; just honest. Understand that you're doing it in part for yourself: to build your self-esteem; explain it to her, if need be. If it doesn't help you feel more equal, stop. The goal is to pay back the debt that you believe exists; if you don't believe it exists, there is nothing to pay. I imagine that being able to say, "I can if I want to," will be sufficient. If you feel equal, and she feels equal, and there are no other reasons for the friendship to end, it will turn out fine.

[norbert]

Sireesha, I feel with you. I just lost my two best friends. I knew them for 12 and 7 years. Although we've been screaming at each other all the time in the past 3 years with the former, I still miss him a lot (he was waay to negative, as you described). They both moved to another city. Now it's my turn, I'm moving in a month. Nobody left here to stay with so I need to move on too. I do know that this is part of life but still, I'm always the one who is the most caring in these relationships. I'd be so grateful for having friends who appreciate the time they can spend with me as much as I do. Maybe my friends just weren't mature enough for this. I'm usually ahead of my age at least 4+ years and sadly I'm not really into the idea of getting older friends. We'll see what life brings. It definitely hurts.

[curlgurl610]

it seems like everyone goes through a situation with a best friend at least once in their lifetime...
i've had a best friend since 1st grade and now we're seniors and drifting apart. i kinda know why this is happening - yet it still hurts so much. ive changed and she's stayed the same therefore a lot of the things she does - things i used to do, i don't approve of so thats a huge problem in our relationship.
i started accepting the fact that things are never going to be the same between us. we might remain friends but we'll never be the same kind of friends that we were a year ago.
g'luck with ur talk...

[C33]

A lot of people do not see the world as everchanging, they want to have the same friends, do the same things, live in the same place for the rest of their life. They cling to a false sense of security.


They do not understand why people want to improve, change their conditions, change their lives.

They think that if you haven t done something by a certain age, you will never do it and it is a useless dream.They act threatened at any sign of change in others, especially if this is for the best, usually because they know it will take the other person to a place where they might not be able to follow them.

People who live in fixity can foster a lot of agressivity towards someone who wants to change, to advance in life. A real friend should be supportive of your endeavours or, at the least, welcome your desire for transformation.

Time will tell if it is really worth it,for you, to keep this friendship. It is great that you have the intention of telling her something is not working.Maybe she doesn t realize she is sabotaging the friendship with her negative attitude.

I am going through a similar situation, and my barometer is my body. I feel so much more relaxed now, that I do not have to interact with some friends that were draining me of my energy. I would have a great time with them, but my body would tell me something was wrong, by tensing up. For example: my shoulders would tense up or my stomach would curl up at something they would say, that would go against my values. I would let this feeling pass, but I realized that, after interacting with them, I would be less positive about the validity of my goals, for example, or I would feel leaden because it seemed to me we had been having the same conversation for years.

It can be painful to lose friendships, but if you drift apart from others, without anger, harsh words or actions, you will have peace in your soul.When the time is right, you might be able to rekindle that friendship, when it has become a joy and not an obligation.

[Liara Covert]

Hi there!

Back after my high-school graduation, I had the sense my good friends would stay connected forever. Six months later, I hosted a festive holiday party and over 100 of my highschool friends and acquaintances attended. We had a blast, reminiscing about highschool, talking about work and university and all. Now, I tried the same party invitation a year later. 10 people showed. I was confused. I thought, where is everybody? Now, over time, I came to realize that friends of circumstance are those people who have things in common temporarily, but the relationship doesn't go deeper. My 10 year highschool reunion only brought together 50 of the 550 graduates and that was a bizarre event. Many people didn't recognize each other. Some people had changed drastically, matured or grown whereas others had stayed exactly the same.

My own experience is that the friends I'm still in touch with years later are those who put effort into nurturing a relationship. They are genuinely interested in me as a person as I evolve. I reciprocate and these friendships endure. These people respect me for my choices, are not afraid or put off that my job changes or geographic moves may be very different from their own lives. We live vicariously through each other. You find out who matters based on who chooses to stay in touch over time and who demonstrates compassion, empathy and love to you, no matter what.

[yacapo]

It sounds like being around your friend just brings you stress and nothing positive. I'd say forget about the friendship.

I had a friend that would stress me out every time I was with him. He was so insecure about his life that he would try to act overly secure by trying to put me down, because he knew he was not and will never be as successful as me, so he dealt with it by being an a**. I'm not an a** so I never flipped out on him, but I would go home and it would really bother me. I got so pissed, but I never said anything because I knew that if I did I would take it too far and I would feel bad afterward.

We don't talk anymore and I feel so much better. I feel he was only bringing negative energy into my life. He was someone that I was sure did not want me to succeed in anything. I don't need people like that around me.

From now on, I look for successful people to be friends with. That way, they don't have to feel insecure around me. People who are happy with their lives generally don't envy their friends.

[alexander.kharlamov]

I think this thread has expanded to the issue of keeping friends, so I'll answer to that, even if it's a little off-topic to the original post ...

Unfortunately in this day and age it's very difficult to maintain friendships. We always seem to have better things to do other than spend out with friends.

I think a first step to keeping friendships is to recognize the importance of it, and consciously decide that you need to spend time on it. Once you do that, it'll be easier to find time to dedicate to renewing friendships.

[Lychee]

Life is changing and people change, so assuming that your relationships will remain the same is not logical. But relationships change with time. Look at marriage: the couple changes in the marriage of course, but they do not end their relationship simply because of change. A real relationship will endure despite the varying course of life.

What happened to the eternal bonds of friendship? I really think it has to do with strength and patience. The divorce rate is so high because we just give up too easily and think we can solve our problems by going to someone else. But the same is with any relationship.

[andrew]

It's funny, I never really had that many good friends. HUGE issue in my life. Then about my last 2 years of highschool I started getting some. One of my best friends and I had a falling out, and we used to do everything. That was only about a year or two long one though. I owe a lot to him though. But I digress.

So I graduated and moved all the way across the country. The next christmas I went back and spent most of the time with another 'best' friend. Great! It was a blast. Now this last Christmas I went back, and called him up a few times with no answer/call back. I saw him at that party and we had a great time like always, make sure he had my number, and yet 2 weeks went by and nothing. I was really bummed.

To not start steering thing to my issues, I just have to say I learn a lot about friendships. The majority of them are temporary! It's something that I really hate, because I've had so little, I want to keep them all. It just doesn't work that way, and I'm trying to tell myself it's nothing personal. With that friend that didn't call back, I'm sure he wasn't like "oh look, it's andrew, screw him. click." So as unfortunate as it seems, I think it's really hard to find those few friends that genuinely care about you forever.

Side note: my father has had 3 best friends since he was in elementary school. He still talks to them very frequently, 30 years later. They are all great group of guys. I've always wanted something like that, so I suppose my expectations are really high.