Friends drifting apart

[Sanity Panda]

Originally Posted by Michael Chui

I think your real problem is an excessive interest in implications and undercurrents. This forum generally consists of threads in two entirely different classes: debate and advice. We overlap the boundary flippantly, and this thread is moving from advice into debate.

In advice, it is more effective to dismiss the subtle insinuations for the better goal of actually helping people. In debate, those half-spoken words are as significant as you make them.

You seem to be treating an advice thread as if it were a debate thread. And while I am happy to converse with you on the nature of friendships and relationships in general, it's unnecessary to lambast a group of people who gave advice to someone a year and a half ago.

If you want to disagree with someone's values, then you should ask them to respond directly.

Indeed... I realise that their values on friendship are perfectly valid too.

The focus of what? Others? Ourselves? Where should this focus be, and why?

Good point... I'd say mutual but that doesn't mean anything since the posters above are still mutual. Not to mention this contradicts with the idea that all actions are self-interested anyway...

You're correct. People do stick together for reasons other than common interests. However, would you say that such people consider each other friends, or obligatory necessities? If your family is a cross to bear, why do you carry it? If you had the option between ending world hunger or staying with a friend, which would you choose? Are there things more important than friendship? The right to one's own dignity? The right to choose one's own destiny?

Agreed. They don't have to stay together.

You put a lot of value in implications.

An old man can be as deceitful as an adolescent. They are more likely to be deceptive: they're more likely to be bored and in search of pleasure.

And what is there to trust, in a friendship?

I would be more willing to trust a person (not a friendship) with my life who I met an hour ago, but who I met because he just took a bullet for me, than a friend of 10, 20 years.

Thinking it over... that was a silly statement. What was I really valuing in that case? Probably emotional investment. But that's not always a good thing...

No, such friendships do exist. It is a different question whether or not they should, but they do exist.

Yay.
I'd ask why you feel they shouldn't exist but... perhaps it's best to leave it be. My intentions not to debate, merely to ask.

[joelr]

Originally Posted by Sireesha

Hey guys,
Here is an issue that I have been struggling with for a while now. Is it possible for best friends to drift apart? I have met my friend my first year of college, almost 16 years ago. We became good friends very fast and have been best friends every since. For the past year or so, I have been noticing that we both have changed, me more than her. We are in totally different places now. I became very goal oriented and try to do the take advantage of all the oppurtunities I have. I am very interested in taking on new things (like going back to school for graduate program, aiming for a promotion at work....) I was very different from this, when I was growing up, always shy, timid, not very outgoing, afraid to try new things. My friend on the other hand, was always outgoing, confident , always speaking her mind. Now that I am doing so many things, focusing on improving myself, my friend thinks that I have become very selfish and am interested only in myself (She told me this, when I mentioned that I don't like watching news because of all the depressing news they always glorify). There have been several incidents in the recent times that she used to put me down as much as she can, yelling at me, telling me I am not a good friend, I look old , so on...
My problem now is that, I feel like I am letting too much negativity surround me trying to hold on to something in the past. I now am starting to think of our relationship as an obligation, instead of friendship. We had some minor rifts in the past, but I never felt this way.
Is it normal to feel this way? Any one faced similar issues in any of their relationships?

Some of the metaphysical teachers like Wayne Dyer and Deepak Chopra say that often times when we begin to make changes in ourself friends will openly rebel against it. You play a role in others lives, in this case you were the shy, timid one. Other peoples egos will resist any change in that status.


Also there are 3 big "friend changing" times - the end of high school, college graduation and the big one - starting your own family.

I've noticed being in my 30's that some friends try to keep in touch, I see some friends on the 4th of July or special events but overall everyone is too busy with their own lives. That hang out 5 or 6 times a week thing goes away and never comes back.

[180]

I think I understand your situation Sireesha,

I experienced a very similar friendship. Unfortunately, it didn't work out.

Our situation was similar to yours. Where I was the more confident one, and my friend "Scott" being the more shy one.

Originally, he was the more outgoing and talkative one. But I began to develop in high school and became much more outspoken.

This caused a rift between us and the friend dynamic changed.

Your friend probably keeps you around to make herself feel better. She's always viewed you in the subservient role. Imagine having someone around you who was always shy suddenly changing.

You are changing and it's either too fast for her, or she's not getting what she wants out of the relationship. It sounds like you aren't either.

If you feel that the friendship is out of obligation just slowly lose contact. It's a shame but even good friends when they outlast their use disappear. I've had a lot of best friends. But most of them don't last more than 2-3 years. Because we depended on each other.

Friends are born of utility.... as unromantic as it sounds, it's the truth. We all have something to share or give to each other. But if the net worth of having her as a friend is damaging you, better to stop actively contacting her.

Still be friends, but not actively. Just always be busy.

[kingcole]

Sanity Panda, I too was gutted by the responses on this forum. I think the respones lay in the title here..."Personal Development for Smart People"...so of course the focus here is on SELF, not friends or relationships.

But I basically disagree with a lot of things said here. I think, through hard work and open communication, friendships can get through changes. Sure there are some situations where they can't, if one party is THAT bullheaded and stupid, but I think if you have two people who cherish the friendship, they can WORK IT OUT.

I think this applies to marriages as well...if both parties are FRIENDS and LOVERS, and commited to the relationship, there is NO reason they can't overcome ANY obstacle.

Good luck, stay optimistic, and remember that communication is key!

[kdog2010]

I have experienced something similiar lately. My best friend and I have been best friends since kindergarden we are now in college. It has been over 15 years. We survived separate high schools and going through the things teenagers do,but lately things have been changing. We go to different colleges but they are not that far from each other. We just arent as close as we once were. It is like my friend is pushing everyone in his old life out of his new one and that gets me mad and hurts me because we have been through everything together. I have had a tough year this year I have experiences losses that I didnt really want to experience this year and my friend was there for me as they have always been. But, once we were at school it was like this friend was too cool for me and our other friends.
When we came home for our break things go worse and I havent really been the same since coming back to school. I have been down all the time because the thought of losing my friend who is having the time of their life living the college life. It scares me not only because I could possibly lose my oldest friend but, also because this friend may just lose himself. This friend is scaring me and I dont know what to do about it because I have tried talking but its not like that my friend will listen they are too busy havng fun well i am hitting the books because i dont have time to live the college because im on scholarship.
I dont want to be dragged down by my friend ,but if I keep coming to the rescue each time they need it i will be. I cant afford to ruin my life plans but it all comes back to me and not wanting to lose my best friend. This person is like family. It would be like losing someone else in my family if I lost them. That is something that this year I can not afford I have lost enough and so much changed I dont want this to change I just want my best friend back. THe kid I grew up with the one everyone loves and not the person that has my friend has become.