Coming out to My Dad

[moonshooter]

Hi Everyone,

I'm going through a bit of a rough patch in my life and I really need some advice to help me sort through my emotions. Anything you can offer would be extremely helpful.

I am an Asian 26 yr old female and I have been dating this wonderful woman for the past 5 months. Although it seemed really fast, we did move in with each other about a month ago and we both feel like we have found someone we would like to spend the rest of our lives with.
This is my first real homosexual relationship and prior to this I have been in several long term serious relationships with men. If I had to, I would label myself as bisexual.

Anyway, I am an only child and have always been very close with my parents. I moved 400 miles away from them for grad school a few years ago, but both parties have always tried to maintain a strong communication and relationship. Because of this strong tie, I felt that I should at the very least let them know that I was dating a woman. A couple weeks ago, I came home to visit the family. I had originally planned to tell them both together, but due to unforeseen circumstances, I told my dad privately. He refrained me from telling my mom because he did not want her to know in the presence of my grandmother who was in the States visiting.
My dad was very shocked and somewhat disappointed, but him and I did talk it out a little bit and when I flew back to school, I was under the impression that although he was very disappointed in me, it would only take a little time and things would be okay.
Sadly, I was on the phone with my mom yesterday and she was crying to me, saying that since I left, my dad had grown increasingly depressed. He didnt't really sleep at night and he has had to stay at home from work because he hasn't been able to physically function well. He told her that he wanted to leave the States, because he tired of his life here. My mom tried to figure out what was wrong with him, but he told her he would not tell her until after my grandmother left (which is a month from now). My mom asked me if something had happened between my dad and me, and I was torn about what to do but I couldn't tell her for fear that I would upset my dad even further.
I talked to my dad later that night and in all my life, I have never heard him cry so much and so hard. He cried so hard that I could not make out his words. He kept saying over and over "Why me?" He told he did not even want to talk to me, because he was afraid of what other surprise I might tell him. He told me he was so scared and he just wanted to die. He did not understand how I had had a handful of boyfriends and now was ending up with a girl. This is my father, and I have always been Daddy's little girl so to hear my strong and brave dad sound so helpless and in despair really traumatized me.
In our conversation, he asked me to stop dating altogether and just focus on school for now. He would tell my mom after my grandmother left and then in 6 weeks, I would fly home to talk to both of my parents and we would as a family try to discuss it (but I know from his voice and intonation that he hoped it was just a phase).
I called him back and hour later and told him that I had broken up with her (which was not true) and would focus all my attention on school, but at the sound of this, he was amazingly happy and had the first good night's sleep he's had in over a week.

Can someone please give me some advice on what to do from here? I don't want to give up this beautiful relationship with my girlfriend, but if I did not have my parents in my life, I would be devastated.

Thank you

[supertom]

He would need more time to process it, it will be hard for him. Your no longer meeting his expectations of the image of you he has in his head. If you are bi than you should assert that's who you are.

Be true to who you are, hopefully he loves the true you not the image in his head.

[moonshooter]

thanks supertom,

I feel like it would be easier for me to tell them if I am straight or gay, not bi. That gray area is a stigma that i think a lot of people overlook. I feel that if I said I was bi, he would be like well then you do like men, so go date one.

[rei]

Originally Posted by moonshooter

thanks supertom,

I feel like it would be easier for me to tell them if I am straight or gay, not bi. That gray area is a stigma that i think a lot of people overlook. I feel that if I said I was bi, he would be like well then you do like men, so go date one.

this is a great point. even people in the gay/lesbian community tell bisexuals to pick a side. it's not fun to hear that message.

i agree with supertom, he probably needs time to realize you aren't meeting the expectations he created for himself. that's the key though, he is the one who set it up as his daughter will be a, b, c and do x, y, z. you are not responsible for his expectations and idealistic notions of what you will become.

it sounds like he is struggling but took it relatively well. not the most ideal response, but i've heard stories...

nothing against your father, but this could be a genetics thing. it could be he expected you to have children to carry on the family traits, and he hears this and thinks that dream is gone. if you have any aunts or uncles who have, or plan to have children, you may want to bring that up in a future conversation, since the family blood will continue through them - but i suggest doing so gently, because people DO work this way, but they often don't really want to admit it. it's not generally acceptable to be mainly interested in having future generations, so some care, consideration and compassion are useful if you bring up this side of things. i'm not saying this is definitely going on, but it's definitely possible.

i think give him some time, and if this is about you having children you may understand where he is coming from in having this response. but ultimately, it is still your choice to decide how your life will look.

[moonshooter]

I'm not sure if it's genetics or just embarassment of the family. I think he just looks at it as a disease, as a handicap. I can't imagine what my mom would think. I think that you are right and what they need is time. i know it is my choice to live my life the way I want but i will always by my father's daughters and can't do things without considering the impact they would have on my family.

[Izak]

Originally Posted by moonshooter

I'm not sure if it's genetics or just embarassment of the family. I think he just looks at it as a disease, as a handicap. I can't imagine what my mom would think. I think that you are right and what they need is time. i know it is my choice to live my life the way I want but i will always by my father's daughters and can't do things without considering the impact they would have on my family.

Maybe he wanted a son. Give him time.

[MyEyeIsOpen]

Your Dad will accept you for what you are. Don't try to be something you're not, please. You'll regret it for the rest of your life. Be who you are: just like you feel an obligation to tend to their feelings, they should feel the same tug to take care of yours.

[Cochonette]

If you're willing to hide a huge aspect of your life from your parents to make your dad happy, that's an option. Otherwise, you can give up your life partner or leave your dad to figure out his own emotions. Since I am not the type of person to hold onto people I disagree with strongly like that, I can't imagine what that decision is like for you. Personally, I would either hide it or let him deal with his emotions. No way I would give up my life partner just because someone was obsessed with my sexuality; I simply would not take responsibility for their emotions. If it were completely a disaster, then I would just hide it from them, but never would I think of giving it up.

It does sound bad that you were dishonest, but that is understandable. If your dad pits his entire existence upon whether or not his daughter is in a same-sex relationship, it sounds like he has very little sense of purpose in life... or else one that is very, very strange to me. He is bringing that on himself, and ultimately while the best option might be to be dishonest, if he later found out without your intention, I don't think you should feel responsible. It's his emotions, not yours, and you didn't do anything wrong. But if it goes back to him having to deal with it, I would tell him to see a therapist.

[moonshooter]

I think a lot of it stems from the Asian culture I grew up in. Homosexuality is just something is never acknowledged in the culture. I've heard of stories of much worse reactions than mine from acquaintances.
While the "emotional blackmail" that he put on me was harsh, piety from my upbringing makes it hard for me to ever even consider walking away if he says something like that. Rather, it makes me consider what I would need to sacrifice to make him happy. My parents are truly the two most important people in my life.
I think a lot of people know the Mulan story about "bringing honor/shame to the family". i think a lot of my culture emphasizes family over individual even though growing up and acculturating into American society has made me desire to express individualism more.
I guess that is where my conflict is: not just sexuality and family, but also culture.

[dulaney0330]

Even though I disagree with homosexuality, I would embrace my daughter or son ultimately. Like your dad, I would feel all those negative emotions and it would take time for acceptance. Your dad may never like the fact and he may never agree with it. But he can still be your dad and enjoy a healthy relationship.

[Cochonette]

What Asian culture are your parents from? My mom is from Taiwan, and while she may not understand homosexuality, it is not really an issue.

[Mikahcho]

Hmmm, I was going to recommend for you to live the lie you've built up for a while, until you feel he is ready for you to truly express yourself...

But then I re-read that you were asian. I don't think it'll work as easily. You could still try it though.

It's already been vaguely brought up already, but I think the reason he doesn't want you to be homosexual is that he wants his genes to go on another generation- that's an evolutional approach.

Looking at it from a cognitive-behavioral perspective, he may have been either taught to not like homosxuals, or he's had a bad experience with some himself. If you can 'teach' him that it's nothing to be ashamed of, maybe you can turn it all around.

To be honest, I think your father is being selfish by using emotions against you. I know that my parents are always doing it to me, there's little you can do but live the way they want you to, until you can alter their views.

Good luck with everything, I hope you manage it.

[ZHereford]

Hi moonshooter,

You say that you are bisexual and fairly young (26). Is it not possible that you are still exploring and experimenting with your sexuality? You may change your mind several times before you decide what you really want. Many young people have varied relationships before they settle down to a particular persuasion. Even though this relationship is wonderful now, it, and you, will most likely change.

Perhaps you can tell your Dad that nothing is set in stone (and it isn't) and that you need time. He certainly needs it, and by the time you make any life-long decision he will have had a chance to come to terms with your sexuality, no matter what you choose.

I know that in Asian, and most European cultures, this would be a very difficult thing for parents to adjust to.

I wish you well!
Z