Reconciling desire for monogamy with desire for polyamory

[dominick]

I'm sure this has been discussed here before but I had a hard time finding a thread that covered specifically what I've been grappling with.

I'm in a relationship with a beautiful woman who is perfect for me and everything I could have asked for. I'm incredibly excited about having a life together and grow old together as well.

On the other hand, I still have strong feelings of desire for other women. They're not strong feelings in the sense of wanting to have relationships with them but rather physical feelings of attraction. I think when I was younger I was naive enough to think that once I found the perfect partner those feelings would go away. I've realized that that's probably rarely the case.

What I'm trying to figure out is where along the "acceptable attraction to others" continuum is healthy. Denying/suppressing these feelings doesn't seem healthy. On the other extreme things like flirting, fantasizing, etc. don't seem completely healthy either because they either indirectly or directly (e.g., in the case of infidelity) could harm my relationship.

I think the conclusion that I've come to is that I simply need to set up boundaries (perhaps along with my partner) as to what is and isn't acceptable/healthy. I'd love to hear any thoughts from people who have wrestled with this before and how you may have resolved it. I don't want to lose an appreciation for beauty or feel guilty/shameful for stuff that is largely biological in nature. On the other hand, I want to create the best possible relationship I can.

Thanks for any thoughts.

[Liz Caitlin]

You basically just described my last relationship.

In my case, I didn't repress my feelings for other people. I asked my ex for an open relationship 6 months in, but he hated that idea, so we stayed closed. About a year into the relationship, I started cheating on him with random guys.

To be honest, the random sex didn't hurt the relationship at all. He didn't find out, and if anything I found it easier to stay in the relationship with him. The bigger issue was when I developed feelings for other people - I never did ANYTHING with those specific guys, but whenever I had a crush on someone else I lost all the focus I used to have on my ex, which damaged our relationship a ton. By the time we broke up, I didn't even feel sexually attracted to him anymore.

I guess my point is that, at least in my experience, random sex doesn't hurt relationships, but feelings definitely do. I guess my biggest question would be...would you mind if your girlfriend had similar feelings to yours & felt physically attracted to other guys? Would you mind if she followed through on those desires? If she wouldn't mind an open relationship, you could try that. Since you said you just feel physically attracted to other girls, perhaps you could agree just to one-night stands rather than special relationships with other people? Like I said, in my experience that didn't damage our relationship at all, whereas having feelings for others did.

Hope this helped a little, good luck!

[rei]

i would think any amount of physical attraction to humans is healthy. it can be acceptable as well. there's a difference between feeling attraction and acting on it.

an intelligent or perceptive woman will know men are liable to find others attractive. such a woman won't take this personally if she has healthy self-esteem (well, that's a major generalization, but in my experience jealousy is more about insecurity).

i would suggest discussing this with your partner, and taking care to frame it as biology and not emotion. i think women handle it better knowing it is the guy's hormones, and not his heart, making him want to look at other women.

there is nothing that says you must act on these physical-level attractions. but if that's something you're interested in doing, i would definitely suggest talking to your partner so there are rules to the relationship that you both agree to and are satisfied with.

fantasizing would only harm the relationship if it takes up more of your time than the real-world partnership. we all fantasize. oh, and it could also contribute to pain if you call your actual girl the name of the person you fantasize about. but there's a big difference, in my view, between fantasizing and acting (infidelity). yeah, the metaphysical notions suggest it is the same thing, but most folks probably respond to literal action as stronger than fantasy.

[Merrick1]

Liz Caitlin:

"I asked my ex for an open relationship 6 months in, but he hated that idea, so we stayed closed. About a year into the relationship, I started cheating on him with random guys...

To be honest, the random sex didn't hurt the relationship at all. He didn't find out...

The partner might not find out consciously but on a deeper level they do know.

Besides that, it is unlikely that your involvement with other guys was possible without lies.

Cheating, lies, dissimulating... always harm the relationship. They cause an unbalance and sooner or later it must trip over.

It may somehow work if both partners are like that, if pursuing their own interests and pleasure is more important to them than personal integrity, though.

Merrick

[Indiana]

Originally Posted by Liz Caitlin

To be honest, the random sex didn't hurt the relationship at all. He didn't find out, and if anything I found it easier to stay in the relationship with him. The bigger issue was when I developed feelings for other people - I never did ANYTHING with those specific guys, but whenever I had a crush on someone else I lost all the focus I used to have on my ex, which damaged our relationship a ton. By the time we broke up, I didn't even feel sexually attracted to him anymore.

Liz, I really admire you as a smart and independent woman, but I really think you made your own bed here. Of course if you're going to physically dissociate with your partner, and lie to them about it, then emotional dissociation is just around the corner.

Be actively polygamous or be monogamous, the choice is yours, but lies and secrets will never feed a good relationship.

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by Indiana

Be actively polygamous or be monogamous, the choice is yours, but lies and secrets will never feed a good relationship.

Euh... I guess she would agree with you here.. hence the EX boyfriend and not current boyfriend

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by dominick

I think the conclusion that I've come to is that I simply need to set up boundaries (perhaps along with my partner) as to what is and isn't acceptable/healthy. I'd love to hear any thoughts from people who have wrestled with this before and how you may have resolved it. I don't want to lose an appreciation for beauty or feel guilty/shameful for stuff that is largely biological in nature. On the other hand, I want to create the best possible relationship I can.

Thanks for any thoughts.

I do think you need to talk to your partner about this. There are several outcomes that you can come to. For example:

Flirting and fantasizing is ok, but nothing physical may happen
Physical things are ok, but only if they are "meaningless", meaning, there is no in love feelings, sex is just sex
Complete open relationship; other partners can be found, although less important then your relationship
Polyamory: both of you can have equal relationships with other people.

I would not go for anything less then fantasiing and flirting is ok... but that is just me.. it could be that it is not for you and your partner.

I also think that you have to be very open and honest in this conversation. Whatever you want to do, you have to be ok that your partner does it as well!!

And; for me an important one that I have in my relationship: set the rules. Do you want to know about the partners of your partner? Do you want to know beforehand or afterward?

Another important one: At any point, for whatever reason, any of the partners (you or her) can change their mind. If they don't want to have an open relationship anymore because it is too heavy or they cannot deal with it... it is done.
Of course you can choose to leave the relationship over it, but don't use it as a leverage.. "give me my open relationship, or I'll leave". Not that you would do that, but it is good to talk these things out, BEFORE going out

Oh, and another one: Always have save sex and get checked out every 6 months just to make sure that you don't hurt your partner.

Especially if you are trying to get pregnant or if she is pregnant, it might be a good idea to put the other sexual partners on hold for a while, for the safety of the baby.

[Liz Caitlin]

Originally Posted by Indiana

Liz, I really admire you as a smart and independent woman, but I really think you made your own bed here. Of course if you're going to physically dissociate with your partner, and lie to them about it, then emotional dissociation is just around the corner.

Be actively polygamous or be monogamous, the choice is yours, but lies and secrets will never feed a good relationship.

I did make my own bed. Believe me, I know that...

In my case the emotional cheating came before the physical cheating. I really don't think random sex with other people is harmful, although lying about it certainly is. I just thought I'd share my experience so the OP could glean some wisdom from it, if there's any to be found.

[butterflyeffect]

Hey Liz,

You mentioned Emotional Cheating? What do you mean?

Im not that experienced with relationships so maybe thats why I don't get it. = p But how do you cheat emotionally?

I don't get it!! Could you explain?

cheers,

Amy x

[rei]

Originally Posted by butterflyeffect

Hey Liz,

You mentioned Emotional Cheating? What do you mean?

Im not that experienced with relationships so maybe thats why I don't get it. = p But how do you cheat emotionally?

I don't get it!! Could you explain?

cheers,

Amy x

this is about marriage, but it would apply as well to other committed relationships even if there is not an official legal marriage: Emotional Affairs 101

there's also something about it here Emotional Affairs - Signs of an Emotional Affair - Redbook

Liz, sorry to answer on your behalf (if it even bothered you), but since i understood what you probably meant i figured it would be okay to provide more info.

[cacheborn]

Can you be in love with two people at the same time?

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by cacheborn

Can you be in love with two people at the same time?

Yes it is

[Piercetheveil]

I do not enter into ANY relationship where these things are off the table to discuss. One of the most important thing for me is to have a safe and understanding environment to talk about what is going on in my head.

In essence I merge my mind with another as well as my body.

Yes, you can love multiple people. To what level is the question.

[cacheborn]

Originally Posted by ssandra

Yes it is

Is it more complicated?

[Mike75]

Originally Posted by Merrick1

Cheating, lies, dissimulating... always harm the relationship. They cause an unbalance and sooner or later it must trip over.

It may somehow work if both partners are like that, if pursuing their own interests and pleasure is more important to them than personal integrity, though.

Merrick

I totally agree with you. I have been in a relationship where the woman cheated on me and when I confronted her acted as if she has done nothing wrong. All I would say is that if you cannot stay loyal to one person, then may be you are not right for that person. End the relationship and save yourself a lot of pain.

[dominick]

After spending a fair amount of time reading about this one distinction that has really helped is the notion that I'll likely always have some sort of predilection for "novel" partners. In other words, if I see someone who isn't necessarily as physical attractive as my partner but who is "new" relative to my partner I am more likely (biologically speaking) to be attracted to that person.

In the past I always thought in the past that that might mean that my partner wasn't the right one for me (after all, why would I feel attraction for someone "less" attractive than my partner?). Now I realize that this is a normal feeling from an evolutionary point of view. It also makes sense that on one level attraction to someone will decline over time and that's not abnormal but actually normal.

Reading about stuff like The Coolidge Effect has helped me gain a much better understanding of myself and allowed me to be more comfortable with the thought of a long-term monogamous relationship with someone I love dearly.