Empathy and Asking the Right Questions

[Jehosephat]

This may be more appropriate in the Emotional Mastery section... but anyway.

I was wondering if anyone has some good resources for becoming more empathetic or 'active listening' perhaps? I find that, despite my best efforts, I have trouble listening without the engineer in me trying to solve problems. My girlfriend tends to be frustrated from time to time and wishes I would just 'ask the right questions' in order to help her talk through her issues. I have become better at reining in my instinct to offer solutions, but I find myself not knowing how to help her express herself. Of course... she's the psychologist so perhaps her expectations of my abilities are a little high. Nevertheless, it is something I would like to improve upon. I'm hoping I've articulated this well enough. Anyone else experience this issue?

[Haurum]

I recommend reading "7 habits of highly effective people" in which you'll find habit 5 "Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood".

[Matt]

You should ask your girlfriend for help since she is the psychologist.

Empathy can be difficult to understand. The basic idea is to let the person know you understand their feelings, but without telling them how they feel.

Erin had a very good example on her blog about when she was at the post office and the guy behind the counter screwed up a womans business order. Erin was able to diffuse the situation with empathy. I searched for it but I can't find it now.

Edit: Just kidding! Here it is.

[helgi]

I would suggest letting go of the need to know the right answers, and to allow for the possibility of simply not knowing the right questions to ask. When you're engaged in listening and always trying to figure out what to say next, making an effort to say the right things, the results are not going to be very good because you're only allocating a small part of your attention to the actual listening part.

Instead of thinking about listening as an act of responding with appropriate answers, try thinking of it as providing space for the other person to talk. I'm sure you would get better results by not saying anything than being constantly preoccupied with trying to say the right things. You are then able to focus your attention on what that person is saying instead of focusing on what you're going to say next. And I'm sure that when she says to you that she wants you to "ask her the right questions", what she's really after is that you give her space and undivided attention regardless of what particular words come out of your mouth.

When you do this, you'll find that the answers will come by themselves if any verbal answers are needed in the first place.

[MSC2471]

I would say you need to clarify what is talked about in the discussion, and continue to ask clarifying questions throughout the conversation so that you are sure you understand what she is saying. For most men when it comes to conversation and problem solving we want to cut to the chase and get to the solution as quickly as possible. For most women that is the complete opposite of how they problem solve- they're wired for communication and like to get all of their issues, worries, pluses and minuses out on the table and need us to clarify, validate and allow them the opportunity to talk the issue out- be it 1/2 hour or many hours.

Listening becomes much more important to a woman than problem solving.

Matt

[Velvet]

Marshall Rosenberg's book Non-Violent Communication A Language of Life is a great resource, and has lots of good advice about how to communicate compassionately and be an active listener. His website has plenty of articles about the topic, too.

[Jehosephat]

@helgi - That's a good way to put it. I have tried to be more passive and sometimes that is effective. I seem to stumble at the times when she is actually looking for more input from me. I think MSC2471 has some good ideas there and I will give that a try as well. Thanks for all the advice and links everyone.

[Wulfen]

Jehosephat,

You are not going to like my answer, but anyhow:

You don't need to play therapist to your girlfriend. If you become her emotional tampon you will decrease her attraction for you. Sometimes is ok to let her vent her frustrations, but if you open up emotionally to her too much, you will cause a loss of attraction.

Think about it a little bit: try to imagine some times when you've been very empathic to her, and other times when you've been more closed. Not in an assholish way, but more that you were minding your own business instead of paying attention to her. Now try to recall if her frustrations were higher or lower in each case.

Ponder a little bit on this. And if you don't like this line of reasoning, I will politely stay out of your thread.

[helgi]

One more thing -- to paraphrase Steve: "If all else fails: foot massage."

[madgeylou]

Originally Posted by Wulfen

Jehosephat,

You are not going to like my answer, but anyhow:

You don't need to play therapist to your girlfriend. If you become her emotional tampon you will decrease her attraction for you. Sometimes is ok to let her vent her frustrations, but if you open up emotionally to her too much, you will cause a loss of attraction.

Think about it a little bit: try to imagine some times when you've been very empathic to her, and other times when you've been more closed. Not in an assholish way, but more that you were minding your own business instead of paying attention to her. Now try to recall if her frustrations were higher or lower in each case.

Ponder a little bit on this. And if you don't like this line of reasoning, I will politely stay out of your thread.

wulfen, i think your point of view is very valid, at least in certain circumstances. but i think there are other circumstances where it pays to listen.

there are a few different kinds of "upsets" in this world. one is the "WHERE ARE MY FREAKIN KEYS?!?!" variety, and one is the "i'm frustrated/confused about something in my life and need some help" variety.

i have found in my relationships, staying out of the "keys" dramas is critical. if my boyfriend cant find his keys, and i get involved in it, helping him look, suggesting where they might be, etc., it whips the whole thing up into an unnecessarily frothy frenzy. better to just let him find his keys on his own and not add my energy to the building drama.

in the other kind of upset, what i really need is for someone to listen and understand my situation so he or she can help me pull apart the threads of what i'm experiencing and look at them in a new way. this is where clarifying questions and listening come into play.

i look at the first scenario as simply not turning up the heat on a pot which is starting to boil over. in the second scenario, though, the pot is already boiling, and i need someone to help me turn *down* the heat.

i think there is a lot of value in learning to tell the difference between the 2 situations. providing the most effective response depends upon it.

[Wulfen]

Madgeylou, *very* good point. Agreed completely!

I could explain in several pages the kind of distinction between helping someone solve a problem, and "playing emotional therapist". But it would take too long, so I hope a couple of examples, like you did, will clarify:

Case1:

Girl: "you never listen to me! I wish you were more empathic! I wish you would open yourself to me!"
Boy: thinks he's unfit for her, goes and learn to be empathic and to open up emotionally.

... next time:

Girl: "I would like you to open up emotionally to me"
Boy: "I love you as I've never loved anyone and would do anything for you"
Girl: "I love you too" (thinking: "good puppy! here's your cookie!")

The outcome of this event is that the girl loses attraction because the boy acted on her whims. A man needs not to open up emotionally too much, and not to become more empathic, but specifically not to change because the girl says so (the girl, or anyone else for that matter).

Case2:

Girl: "I have a problem at work because my boss yells at me"
Boy: has no clue how to help her.

Boy reads on empathy, and next time is:

Girl: "I have a problem at work because my boss yells at me"
Boy: "what do you feel when he yells at you?"
Girl: "I feel that he disrespects me!"
Boy: "and why do you think he disrespects you?"
Girl: "Dunno... but I noticed he disrespects me more, the times I do my job the best"
Boy: "maybe he feels threatened by you..."
... etc... and this way he can understand her and help her with her problem

So, if you're in Case 2, then yes, it's great to be more empathic. But if you're in Case 1, is quite counterproductive. I don't know what is Jehosephat's case, and that's why I'm just guessing here.

[Velvet]

Originally Posted by Wulfen

Think about it a little bit: try to imagine some times when you've been very empathic to her, and other times when you've been more closed. Not in an assholish way, but more that you were minding your own business instead of paying attention to her. Now try to recall if her frustrations were higher or lower in each case.

I think you are onto something important, Wulfen, but I'm not sure you're seeing the big picture.

If a man is "too nice," i.e. being almost maternal or solicitous, that can be a turn-off, but I think the real turn-off is that you can intuitively tell when a man chooses this way to relate to a woman because he's got no other recourse. His "caring" may not come from genuine caring, but from not really knowing any other way to get close. And if this side is revealed too soon in the r'ship, it's gonna suck for everyone involved, b/c the woman is not going to feel that sense of "other," that polarity, and she'll be dissatisfied, and the guy is going to be rejected.

But there is a way for men to be genuinely caring, empathic listeners, maybe less maternal and more paternal, that is actually a turn-on, because it's coming from a strong and centered place, not a needy one. I would also hope that this would come a little later in the r'ship, after a sexual bond has already been formed.

And you're right--no one should "play therapist" for anyone, it's not what a partnership is about.

Does that resonate with you? I appreciate your posts.

V.

[madgeylou]

speaking as "a girl" in this scenario ...

i actually do not tend to go to (straight) men (who i'm having sex with) for emotional support -- you know the kind that women provide each other over bloody marys on sunday mornings.

it's a simple matter of just finding most guys to not be that good at it. this is not a diss on guys ... it's just a fact that if what i really need is a good dishing session where i can let it rip, my girlfriends are more into that and therefore better at it than boyfriends.

but, there are times where something bad happens -- someone steals your bike, there's a leak in the roof and the ceiling falls down, etc. -- and in those cases? being able to be a little "weak" and rely on my (sexual) partner to bolster my strength is HUGE.

the support that the boyfriend provides in this scenario is very different from the bloody mary-type support. i think velvet is right on in classifying it as more paternal than maternal.

there's no need for anyone to be anyone else's puppy, but if your relationship is strong and you want to work on this, there are things you can try.

for instance, when you get to a point where it seems like she wants you to say something, reflect back to her what you've heard her say, in your own words. "it sounds like you are really upset that this new person at work is leapfrogging you." "seems like you are feeling really alone."

if youre not sure what she's getting at, ask questions to clarify. "so you're saying that what you want right now is not what you want in the long term?" "are you dissatisfied with the way your boss treats you all the time, or is it related to this specific project?"

basically, the idea is to sit still and listen, really pay attention, and be present, without jumping directly to what advice youre going to give or whatever.

once you feel the person you are listening to has got it all out, then you can move ahead to "what now?" but first they have to get it all out.

and i have to say that providing someone the space to figure out what's rumbling around her head, as well as an accurate mirror to reflect it back to her, is one of the greatest gifts you can give someone. there's nothing like feeling as though your partner cares enough to really *get* what you are feeling.

[Jehosephat]

Originally Posted by madgeylou

and i have to say that providing someone the space to figure out what's rumbling around her head, as well as an accurate mirror to reflect it back to her, is one of the greatest gifts you can give someone. there's nothing like feeling as though your partner cares enough to really *get* what you are feeling.

I think you hit the nail on the head there. That's where I'm trying to be. I want to get better at 'getting what she's feeling' I think if I was better able to understand that then I wouldn't really worry about what to say back or anything like that, it would be natural at that point.

@Wulfen - I hear what you're saying (sounds like The Game?) and by no means do I want to become her therapist. But as discussed, there are definitely scenarios where I want to be able to help her through something and I don't think that lessens her interest in me.

[madgeylou]

Originally Posted by Jehosephat

I think you hit the nail on the head there. That's where I'm trying to be. I want to get better at 'getting what she's feeling' I think if I was better able to understand that then I wouldn't really worry about what to say back or anything like that, it would be natural at that point.

keep in mind, it's not something that comes naturally to a lot of people -- we arent really taught this skill as children, especially not boys.

it will feel awkward the first few times you do it, like any new skill. but if you keep at it, sooner or later it will be totally natural, and not anything you have to work to achieve.

edited to add: by "keep at it," i mean practice active listening. it's a great ego-reducing exercise as well. and i find that in many cases, it's a great relief for *me* to be able to just listen and love without having to solve. at the very least, listening to someone else's problems provides a nice distraction from my own.

[Wulfen]

@Velvet: yeah, I think you are right. I jumped too soon in the "don't be a wussy" wagon, and I was wrong. I think Jehosephat wants the right kind of empathy, which is to resonate with his girlfriend's feelings.

@Jehosephat: yeah, what you are trying to do is very good. That kind of empathy will get you very close to your girlfriend and to other people.

One thing you can do in these situations is to elicit, that is, to draw out the core feelings that she is experiencing at that moment. For instance:

Her car breaks: she might have feelings of importence, of weakness, because a random incident can cause her a lot of inconvenience.

She gets fired from a job: feelings of being unfit, of not being able to find another job, unworthyness.

What I do is to listen to her and try to draw the core feeling at each moment:

Girl (upset): hey, my girlfriends set up a meeting and didn't call me.
Me: what? wow, you surely must feel betrayed right now. It's very ungrateful when you trust some people and then they don't correspond.
Girl: exactly!

Sometimes, girls don't want help to fix their problems (I am pretty convinced that girls can fix their own logistic problems on their own), but they want their feelings resonating with someone else. They want someone to understand their feelings. We men communicate facts, girls communicate feelings.

A man that can understand his girl's feelings has a very valuable trait indeed .

What is the best way to acquire this skill? First, practice this with many people, not just your girlfriend. This is a valuable skill with everyone. Second, when someone tells you that something happened, try to remember if you ever had any similar situation, and instead of telling him/her the facts of your similar situation, try to recall your feelings at that moment, and verbalize them.

Bad:

Coworker: hey, Word crashed and I lost a lot of work in this document!
You: yeah, it happened to me several times. I learnt to turn autosave on.
Coworker: hrrm. (thinking: hindsight is 20/20, smartass!)

Good:

Coworker: hey, Word crashed and I lost a lot of work in this document!
You: ouch! It's really annoying when that happens, and I really really hate to start it over! When this happens I always want to forget about the whole damn thing!
Coworker: yeaaah!

[Zulu]

Read "How to make friends and influence people" by Dale Carnegie. Great book.

A good tip for empathy is literally putting yourself in the other's person's shoes. People have wide-ranging degrees of values, logic, emotion, etc.

[Alvin]

The book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: A Practical Guide for Improving Communication and Getting What You Want in Your Relationships saved my ass more than once in my first relationship; it started me on the path to learning just how different men and women are in the way they think, how to navigate and how to appreciate it.

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk is bar none the best book on empathic listening I've read, and explained in an easy to understand way.

There's lots of gold here in this thread, and I can really relate to some of them. As a guy, what's been hardest for me is to let go of this instinctive feeling to want to solve my girlfriend's every problem, and to just be a listening hear, let them rant and be confident that they can go off the deep end and come back strong again.

Is this the general gist of the difference between men & women? Would love to hear your thoughts.

@Wulfen, I second appreciating your posts. Very insightful

P.S. I rounded up some empathic listening techniques in my old Empathy Before Solutions post.

[Dating Specialist]

Originally Posted by Wulfen

@Jehosephat: yeah, what you are trying to do is very good. That kind of empathy will get you very close to your girlfriend and to other people.

One thing you can do in these situations is to elicit, that is, to draw out the core feelings that she is experiencing at that moment. For instance:

Her car breaks: she might have feelings of importence, of weakness, because a random incident can cause her a lot of inconvenience.

She gets fired from a job: feelings of being unfit, of not being able to find another job, unworthyness.

What I do is to listen to her and try to draw the core feeling at each moment:

Girl (upset): hey, my girlfriends set up a meeting and didn't call me.
Me: what? wow, you surely must feel betrayed right now. It's very ungrateful when you trust some people and then they don't correspond.
Girl: exactly!

Sometimes, girls don't want help to fix their problems (I am pretty convinced that girls can fix their own logistic problems on their own), but they want their feelings resonating with someone else. They want someone to understand their feelings. We men communicate facts, girls communicate feelings.

A man that can understand his girl's feelings has a very valuable trait indeed .

Yes Wulfen. Right spot on!

Women sort out their thoughts while rambling. You may be surprised to find out that at the end of it all, we would become much clearer of the situation, feel much better and know what to do next! And we have the strength to do it because we already received enough love from you, just by listening and validating our feelings.

Validating our feelings means you agree with how we feel, even though you may not truly understand. But just by saying them out (like what Wulfen quoted as examples) means you are feeling what we are feeling. To women, it is a form of support we get. This means a hella lot more than advice.

But, there are times when we need advice. So the best way is to ask her if she wants your advice or she just wants letting out. If she's confused she may not know.

The safest way is, before giving advice (sometimes we desperately need though) validate their feelings, then ask "if there's anything you can do to make them feel better?"

Then, when they say "yes, what do you think/suggest I should do?" Aha! Unleash all the advices pent up inside you and give it to them! We are susceptible to receive them then, because our feelings have been validated by the man we love!

Originally Posted by Alvin

Is this the general gist of the difference between men & women? Would love to hear your thoughts.

@Wulfen, I second appreciating your posts. Very insightful

P.S. I rounded up some empathic listening techniques in my old Empathy Before Solutions post.

Yup, this is how man and woman are wired up biologically. Men are task-oriented. They see things piece by piece. Women love to link everything up, that's why we connect and build relationships, while men solve problems as they are.

A man thinks: "If you don't want to solve the problem, then don't talk about it"
A woman thinks: "i need to talk about it so I can know if it's a problem to be solved/how to solve/what am I confused about/feel better"

Because of the way we are wired, you will feel the strong urge to help us, as you believe that will make us happier with your competencies. And you are happy that you have this ability to make your woman happy. But, many times, just a hug from you and telling us "Everything is gonna be ok, I'm always here for you" is the best miracle pill to make us happy and remove our sour feelings about the upsetting situation.

So don't worry that by not doing anything concrete (like giving advices) is inadequate. Sometimes your presence is more than enough. That's the power of love! Sweet?

[Lotus]

One thing that my department requires is "training" in communication. (I'm in school for occupational therapy.) This is because our clients are likely to come to us in very fragile emotional states -- people who have just had a stroke and lost the use of half their body; people who have just had an accident and become tetraplegic; people who have just discovered that their child has a developmental disability; the child of the previous example, who doesn't know that s/he isn't average.

Some of the things I've been taught about communication, especially active listening:

*Only try to listen when you have time to stop and listen. If you're distracted, you're not helping. Stop what you're doing, move away from your work area with the person, and be there totally in body and mind. If you are a guy, turn off the tv.

*Model the body language and tone of voice of the person speaking, but do so calmly. For example, if a person gets angry about something, you become serious: sit up straight or stand, lean forward attentively, make direct eye contact, listen, use a serious tone of voice when replying.

*Repeat back to the person what they just said to make sure that you are clear and are recieving the message accurately. For example:
"I can't believe that bastard just cut me off!"
You reply: "He just turned in front of you?"
The angry person wants you to validate his anger. Do so. "That's pretty annoying. I hate it when people do that to me."

*Don't offer advice. Validation of feelings doesn't involve trying to "fix" the feeling or the cause. If the person asks for advice, then offer some. Be honest. If you don't know, say "I don't know, but would you like me to try to find out?"

*Often when people are experiencing troubling emotions, they just want another warm body to be there and act as a springboard while they sort it out themselves. Validation of feelings helps them move through the feeling and arrive at a calmer state where they can rationalize their own way through the feeling.

*Ask for details or clarification when needed. Often just talking about what brought about the emotions will help the person move through those emotions to a calmer state. Prompting