how to deal with relatives & friends who were not there for you

[sundance]

Dear all,

I hope you can give me some advice on this.

About a year and a half ago my mom passed away. I have several cousins that till this day I never heard a word of condolence from them, not even an email, after they heard the news.

I know each of them personally since we have a history dating back to childhood. My parents, while alive, had treated them well, so did I. Although we haven't been in close contact in the past decade since we all moved to different places (some are on different continents), but when some of them visited us in recent years, they were all treated well. I even tried to do match-making for one cousin in New Zealand a few years back.

They are not bad people. I think they are probably just still immature about social courtesy, despite their age (in early and late 30s, all married).

My question is how to deal with them going forward? I don't feel inclined to call them to say Happy New Year or write Christmas cards, as I'm still somewhat hurt by this. But if I don't keep in touch, they won't either, so the relationship will grow even more distant. But if I do, I feel somehow I am the only one making the effort.

What shall I do?

Thanks!

[Colm OReilly]

Sundance,

I do understand where you're coming from, you feel let down by people because they couldn't see you needed them or they didn't give you what you wanted.

What sort of relationship do you want with them? Do you want to be in contact 24/7? Do you want to spend all your holidays with them? The more specific you are on what you want the relationship to be like, the easier it will become to figure out a how.

An unfortunate aspect of relationships is that the pattern gets set very early on. When you try to change the pattern it's met with a lot of resistence by people (most of this is unconscious). People are used to acting and reacting to you a certain way and since you're changing the rules of engagement they might try and force you back into your old role.

If it's important to you, and the relationship is important to them, they'll adopt to it. However, they may not be able (for whatever reason) to adopt to the new structure.

Colm

[Oliver]

Sundance, my input is to categorize the offenders to a lower "rank" .. in other words, place far less importance on their actions .. and of your own accord quit contacting these few miscreants. If any of them contact you, you might then consider letting that person back into your life. I have been in very similar situations, and found that for me, the best action I can take is to stay in touch with those who make effort to stay in touch with me, and respect the choices of those who don't.

After all, do you want to spend your energy on negative situations, or on making positive situations even better?

Other than that, go on being the best you can be, whatever that means to you, and move forward.

Good luck.

[Lychee]

The decision lies obviously with you, but I am inclined to side with Oliver in this case. From what you've said, it seems that you care more about them then they care about you. What happened a year and a half ago was much more serious than a Happy New Year or a Christmas greeting yet they could not even say a word to you regarding the matter?

If they were distant cousins, that would be understandable. But being that you all had a history together, what they did in my opinion is inconsiderate. You want to keep in touch more than they do. If a relative's death could not convince them to show their support, what would?

You said that they are not bad people and that they are still immature and in their 30's. As Colm OReilly said, the pattern is set early on. Their habits are already formed and generally speaking, their personality has solidified. Do you think they will change? Have they tried to contact you in the year and half since?

I hope you are feeling alright. Do what you believe is best.

[sundance]

Hi Colm, Oliver, Lychee,

Thank you very much for your replies. Your words definitely helped. :-)

Thank you!

Sundance

[C33]

I am in the same boat after losing my father.

I had a friend who called drunk at 2 am during the World cup, 2 months after my father passed away. He yelled a message about how happy he was that the French win, not a word of excuse , no apologies the next day, nothing.

I decided :He was out of my life. I thought about calling him up to tell him how callous and rude he had been, butI decided I had spent enough time/effort on the relationship over the years.

A common friend, knowing about this story, got him on the phone to talk to me, the rude friend acted like he was the one who had been badly treated. I gave him my reasons :He tried to make me feel guilty , letting me know contacting me, even inappropriately late,was caring about me, like I should be happy for any phone call I was getting...I told him his attitude was rude and unacceptable. The conversation was strained after that, and after I hung up, I decided it was his responsibility to initiate the relationship again: I will not call him.

Family: I have no contact with my father s side of the family since his passing( they sided with my brother, too long to give the details), I called his friends who were like family, they were busy with other things, said they would call back, they did not call back, I sent N.Y cards to the family members I thought were compassionate enough to see beyond what my sibling was telling them: no answer.

I helped my very close cousin through the grief of his divorce, happening at the same time I was grieving for my father: he came to my home every other day to talk about his divorce.At some point I said: this is enough, I can t take all your problems on... please call before you come. He acted like he understood my point, then went on with his life, found a new girl friend and did not return one of my calls.
Because I am so attached to him: I called again. Finding out about his new gfriend, I realized he didn t need me anymore to listen to his stories. I will still have a relationship with him, but not with the same openness and caring.


About you: it looks like your family members do not have any common courtesy.

It might be easier, at this time, to excuse them, to tell yourself they do not understand.

By all means, if this makes you feel better to give them the benefit of the doubt, then do it and let go of the resentment about their rude attitude.

Be prepared to realize, at a later point, that the rude attitude reflects the fact: they do not care enough about you.

If there are some people that you feel might be distant, for whatever reason ( some people freak out about death), with whom you really want to keep a connection with , give them a chance, call them and tell them you need their support. If this is comfortable, you can let them know that their silence hurt you. The reaction could be very telling. Do they say they are sorry, or are they trying to make it your problem, like my friend...

Do what feels right for you, take good care of yourself. If you are the type of person who would rather have a New Years card , than a scratched out name in your address book and heart, go for it. If you feel it is the right thing to give your family a chance to show their support: do it. Whatever makes you feel good, is good.

It is easy, in those hard times, to want to reach out for everyone around, like a Titanic survivor in the deep sea, reaching out for every piece of wood, scraps of help. Just make sure your raft is not deflated, the piece of wood can float...

I wish for you that your family members need another chance to step up to the plate. Whatever the outcome, you will surely find good people on your way, and all the support you need within yourself and within your grasp.

Hope it is not too long...

[Michelle]

If you are interested in maintaining a relationship with these relatives I would tell them clearly how you are feeling and what you expect from them. Otherwise just let them go and stop obsessing.

Also, I don't think it matters in the least what you did for them in the past. One doesn't do things because one expects to receive something in return. A gift must be given without strings attached. That means if you treat them well, you do so because you wish to and not because you expect something from them. If they do not treat you in a way you wish to be treated however, it is your perogative to cut them out of your life.

[Little Deb]

Two years ago my Ex died of a sudden heart attack. We had lived together for fifteen years, until he kicked me and hamster out so he could marry his internet lover. Anyway, I made my way to the funeral home by myself. No one from my family or my Ex's offered me a ride or even to grieve with me.(In fact, I heard about his death from one of his friends who popped in for an ice cream at the restaurant where I work.) On the day of the funeral, my mom decided to take a train trip, my brothers stayed in their cozy homes and watched TV. One of their wives "popped in" to the funeral, but didn't sit beside me, or even let me know she was there until I talked to her a week later.I sat basically alone in the pew with a senile little old lady who used to live across the street from us. Any acknowledgment of my existance in his life was left out of the service . At the reception, my Ex's new wife stared at me , but did not talk to me. At least all his friends from the amateur theatre group came over to chat. When I visited my family a week after the funeral, they were anywhere from indifferent to down-right sarcastic to me. They figured that because we had broken up two years before his death, that I shouldn't have any feelings for him. Another reason was they have always treated me like crap for not being cold, insensitive jerks like themselves. Anyway, I have learned to just plain forgive and forget. Families are all made of very imperfect people.

[sundance]

Hi C33, Michelle, & Little Deb

Thanks a lot for your replies & your advice.:-)

Originally Posted by C33

By all means, if this makes you feel better to give them the benefit of the doubt, then do it and let go of the resentment about their rude attitude.

Be prepared to realize, at a later point, that the rude attitude reflects the fact: they do not care enough about you.

Very well said. Thanks.

Originally Posted by Michelle

If you are interested in maintaining a relationship with these relatives I would tell them clearly how you are feeling and what you expect from them. Otherwise just let them go and stop obsessing.

But it seems that telling people clearly how one feels in this kind of situation usually strains the relationship, as in C33's example. I see two options here:

1. don't say anything - why make enemies even if we can't be good friends/close relatives - and how I deal with them going forward will depend on their own actions.

2. tell them how you feel - be assertive -> some people might treat you better afterwards, while others might be pissed off and you lose them (well, not a loss anyway).

From a practical point of view, a distant/non-existent relationship is better than a strained relationship?

I think I'll probably go with what Oliver and others said:

Originally Posted by Oliver

If any of them contact you, you might then consider letting that person back into your life. I have been in very similar situations, and found that for me, the best action I can take is to stay in touch with those who make effort to stay in touch with me, and respect the choices of those who don't.

Dear Little Deb,

Thanks for sharing and very sorry to hear your loss. If I may, I think your family members didn't treat you right and you need to be a little more assertive. See C33's words above.

Best wishes,

sundance

[Michelle]

Originally Posted by sundance

Hi C33, Michelle, & Little Deb



2. tell them how you feel - be assertive -> some people might treat you better afterwards, while others might be pissed off and you lose them (well, not a loss anyway).

From a practical point of view, a distant/non-existent relationship is better than a strained relationship?

I think I'll probably go with what Oliver and others said:

Your relationship is already strained. It is just you who is feeling strained because of them and not the other way around. Of course they won't like it if you tell them you are disappointed or angry with them. It is also the most difficult option. So? I bet you would feel a lot better. Anyway, good luck with whatever you choose.

[jacmac1]

You must do the only thing you can do:

Be honest about your feelings. Now whether you choose to do this with them or not is the question.

You obviously feel there's a value in preserving the relationship.

Will your honesty cause them to come closer or pull away?

If they are socially immature and didn't come together to support you when your mother past, I doubt they'll be able to rise to the occassion because you're hurt about it.

It might happen, though.

What do you think?

[andrew]

I also agree with these points, and have been one on the bad side. Now I'd like to point out that sometimes people just forget or don't realize. It doesn't always mean that they don't care or you should throw it away. If it's obviously a comon thing, then of course do what you have to do.

Sometimes we forget to call when we say we will, sometimes we're just too busy or unable to. That doesn't make us bad people too does it? No, I don't think we're perfect either, even if we hold ourselves to a higher standard than other people do. But again, if they have a bad track record, then I agree to cut them off.

[Dietrie]

You could also devote more energy to those in your life who reciprocate the good things.
For me, I realized how much of my life was wasted being upset, hurt, frustrated, angry; against all these family members and old friends who clearly didn't give a crap. I realized that I can't change them, I can only change myself and my outlook on the situation.
So, I maintain the bare minimum of contact that feels right for me. I let go of the grudges so that what relationship was left with them, could be good ones.

And all that leftover love and energy I have, I pour into myself, my kids, my partner, my parents, and my best friends. And I find those relationships absolutely flourishing, and I feel so much happier for it.

[AngelaC]

Sundance,

I can somewhat relate to what you are feeling.

I was widowed suddenly at age 37 and I, too, have had friends drift by the wayside.

One of the things that is very difficult for us to remember is, although our lives have been turned upside down, for those around you, life continues to be pretty much the same.

If you hadn't heard from then prior to your mothers death, you probably won't hear from them now. Death makes most people feel very uncomfortable. They don't know what to say, how to act. They don't realize that a simple "I'm sorry" and a hug are all that we want.

I'm not sure what to tell you about how to deal with your relatives but I can suggest that you make new friends and try to learn to enjoy your 'new' life.

It takes a while to do, but it does happen.

AngelaC