Life is about choices

[august28]

Hello to everyone,

This is my first post to this forum, which I find very fascinating, by the way.
I just wanted to say something that might be profound but I believe plays a very important role in everybody's life.

Life is about choices. Either you choose consciously or unconsciously you live according to your choices. Now, I don't want to extend on the unconscious part, because I can't see how it is of use to me. However, I would like to express my take on choosing consciously (and, please, feel free to say your opinion and share your ideas on that matter).

So, I believe that a very useful tool when it comes to decisions is words -your lexicon. Depending on the variety of words and meanings you have collected throughout your life, you can formulate numerous thoughts about something. But how do you know that one thought is better than the other?

Well, this question I find easy to answer when it comes down to science. Regarding interpersonal relationships and personal growth issues, though, I found the above a pretty tough one.

They say that when presented with two (or more) options, listen to your heart to find which is the best one. That meaning, feel how would you feel when you would have demonstrated each of the options you "see" you have available and decide according to which feels best.

A second difficulty I come accross. It is hard to "imagine" how would I feel. And that's where NLP comes into play and let's me know how I use my senses to perceive the world, thus, showing me how I need to feed my brain with info to make it perceive it as real. Resulting in producing within me the feeling I would have; supposing I go through that particular experience.

The trick with all the above is that it is absolutely sure that you can't feel in a certain way unless you actually experience that feeling. And that is exactly the most difficult of the tasks. In which words do I describe the feeling that I get from a particular experience. That is the very reason that I put so much value in words.

I don't say that I have a hard time understanding words. And I am sure that this is not the case for most of the people out there. What I'm saying is that I have a great difficulty when I want to identify the way I feel and the way I would like to feel and describe it with words so that I am able to feed eat to my mind.

My problem, then, is that:
1. I can't seem to be able to find the proper
words to describe my feelings and
2. I can't imagine the way I would feel in a given
situation.

These two result in me being indecisive. And that issue comes up a lot during my communication with other people. For example, what should I be thinking when I am out with my friends? What is this that I should be going for? Or, what are the things that I should pay more attention when I communicate in general?

I believe that all what I am talking about is best summed up in the question:
How can I boost my charisma on communication with other people?

That is my question. I feel great when I play football because I know that I am good at it, and can see other people respecting me and thinking of me as cool. The same happens when I am at my English Scholl class where even my teacher finds me attractive because I am very good at English and take care of my looks. I can tell that girls have a nice time with me during the class and when I miss a lesson they miss me. But, that happens because I have a purpose when I am in these situations and understanding that purpose well makes me feel very comfortable around these situations.

However, when I am out of these, and some other specific situations, I don't have clarity as what is my purpose. I am fond of these people that create within you the idea that they are very interesting and you long for their company. I have created this in the past but I don't do it consciously. I want to get the hang of it. And I don't want be just a person who is a good company. I want to be the "cool" guy to whom you want to speak.

The problem is that this is too of an unclear goal. There is nothing countable in it. I can't have a clear idea of whether I am heading in the right direction or not. Hell, I can't even identify the possible directions.

That is all I had to say. I can see it was a little confusing to whoever spared the time to read it. But, as a conclusion, I need to say that I strongly believe that a person with charisma in social interactions and a clear goal and sense of achievement can do anything in life.

Thanks to everyone for hearing me out.

P.S. Despite the fact that this thread looks more as a monologue I would
appreciate any thoughts or advices.

[skydust]

My problem, then, is that:
1. I can't seem to be able to find the proper words to describe my feelings and
2. I can't imagine the way I would feel in a given situation.

is this really a problem?

These two result in me being indecisive.

do they? is it perhaps because you base your decisions on these two unavailable factors? what if you dont base your decisions on this? what if you based it on something else. how you feel now for example? who said you need words to describe them? the best attempt will not be acurate anyway. feel the feelings. theres no need to translate them. as long as you feel them and know how it feels to you, you will be able to decide what feels better.

you said it yourself, understanding your purpose well makes you feel very comfortable around certain situations. so that is your answer. familiarize yourself with uncomfortable situations. get into it, get to know it inside out, get comfortable with it. you said you want to improve your communication skills, it sounds like that could be your purpose. observe yourself when talking to others - how do you feel? this will point you to the things needing to be worked on. this is something i am working on at the moment as well.

boosting your communication skills can be done in many ways, one is confidence which comes from unconditionally loving yourself. communicating clearly, for example by joining toastmasters, knowing body language, management and leardership skills, and pacing all help. i think what you are looking for can take lots of inner work to achieve, so you need to be patient with yourself.

[august28]

Thank you very much for your time, skydust.

[Lychee]

1. If you have difficulty articulating your feelings, don't worry first about not sounding right. As you learn to open up and be honest (no matter how you sound, using whatever vocabulary makes you comfortable) about how you feel, with practice you will be able to express your emotions better.

2. Why imagine? Why not just feel?

When you are out with your friends, think whatever you want to think. As cliche as it sounds, be yourself. Of course respect others and display some common courtesy when you're out with them, but being genuine is the best way to go. If you relax a little bit and not worry so much about how you should do things or how you should feel, things will run much smoother for you.

When you are in situations you do not feel secure in, trying to limit yourself with "how-to's" and instructions will limit your progress. When you first began to play football, you made mistakes. By recognizing the boundaries through free play of the field in regards to these unknown-situations, you will be able to better handle yourself the next time such an event arises.

What do you believe your purpose should be when being with others? You said it yourself - you want to be the cool guy everyone wants to talk to. But why? Does being around others who admire you and are pleased by your presence make you feel better? By reading through your explanation of football and school, it seems that you place a lot of importance on how others think of you. Knowing how they think of you allows you to adjust to these circumstances accordingly. What would you do in the case if a group of people did not like your company? Would you try to adjust your behavior to fit them?

Your goal is clear, it's just that you have so many thoughts and emotions regarding the process of how to achieve this goal that it makes you second-guess what it is. I think you are worrying too much about what is right and what is wrong. Do what you feel is best.

[august28]

First I want to thank you for answering Lychee.

Now as for the questions you ask, I find the last one to hit right on the spot. You ask what if a group of people don't like me. Will I try to adjust my behaviour to fit their standards? Yes, that's the case. And that is exactly what I want not to do.

Well, I know that I have to change some things about myself in order to suit to my environment, but what I really crave is me being the one who makes things happen and not passively accepting what others feed me.

For that to happen, I have to know exactly what it is that I want. Which is a big part of the whole problem. For example, if I want to go out with someone it is most probable that I will invite him to join me for a cup of coffee or to come along for football with others. I am not the guy who hungs out in cool places and does cool things that others want to take part in.

You see, until a year or so before, I was totally into videogames. That is why I believe that I have limited options in this area of my life. I know, for instance, that clubs are cool places that attract lots of people my age but I don't feel comfortable in there; especially when it comes to dancing.

Overall, I don't get it when it comes to hanging out and creating to others that frame of reference for me that says: "He is a cool guy. Wish I could go out with him some time again in the future." It has happened, before, once or twice but accidentally, from my part. I want to be able to create that impression by what I say and what I do and how I do it anytime in my life. I know that I ask too much, but, at least, there must be some guidelines for that matter.

Thanks again Lychee for your time.

[Shaden]

I definitely agree with you. I didn't write an article called the The Power of Choice for nothing

[Lychee]

august,

I'm glad I could do something to help you in some way.

Now as for the questions you ask, I find the last one to hit right on the spot. You ask what if a group of people don't like me. Will I try to adjust my behaviour to fit their standards? Yes, that's the case. And that is exactly what I want not to do.

Adjusting your behavior is necessary in some situations, but not at the expense of who you are. On one hand, you are asking to be the cool guy because being sociable with many people, if not everyone, is indicative of charisma and that component can help you achieve whatever you want in life. But on the other hand, you are not willing to adjust your behavior to fit anyone's standards. I think that if you live by your own standards, your charisma will naturally increase because of your acceptance of who you are. But charisma isn't everything - charisma is the primer for what lies behind the door which is your personality.

Well, I know that I have to change some things about myself in order to suit to my environment, but what I really crave is me being the one who makes things happen and not passively accepting what others feed me.

It sounds like you want to avoid being controlled and are really seeking power over your own life. You cannot accept anything anyone feeds you unless you allow it. Choosing consciously not to accept what others may want for you is making things happen, one step at at time.

For that to happen, I have to know exactly what it is that I want. Which is a big part of the whole problem. For example, if I want to go out with someone it is most probable that I will invite him to join me for a cup of coffee or to come along for football with others. I am not the guy who hungs out in cool places and does cool things that others want to take part in.

You see, until a year or so before, I was totally into videogames. That is why I believe that I have limited options in this area of my life. I know, for instance, that clubs are cool places that attract lots of people my age but I don't feel comfortable in there; especially when it comes to dancing.

You said you don't know what you want, but you are to getting closer to it. You like video games and you don't like to go to clubs. It's only limited because most of the people around you do the things you don't want to do. It won't seem so limited if you open up to people who are into the things you are interested in.

Overall, I don't get it when it comes to hanging out and creating to others that frame of reference for me that says: "He is a cool guy. Wish I could go out with him some time again in the future." It has happened, before, once or twice but accidentally, from my part. I want to be able to create that impression by what I say and what I do and how I do it anytime in my life. I know that I ask too much, but, at least, there must be some guidelines for that matter.

You want to create an experience or impression on the other person so they would want to meet with you again. Is your goal to create a good first impression or to form strong friendships? What if you learn something about the other person which turns you off so you would rather not meet with them again? Maybe you are using the goal of wanting people to think you're cool to act as a gateway for a friendship?

If you want people to simply be impressed by the first impression you give, you can do that by being comfortable with who you are. It's possible that some people may have sensed your confusion and decided not to take the next step forward with you. If you give the impression of confidence and acceptance, people will respect that.

[august28]

Thanks a lot for your interest Lychee. Some observations of yours are very right.

I want to get control of my life, that's for sure. That's why I made two decisions, so far, that I am very proud of. I have cut out videogames and tv. It's been a year, or so, since I decided these two things and I find myself a completely different person. I get bored even when just thinking of myself watching tv, for example.

I, also, find true what you say about charisma. It's something I would like to have. I don't want to make, only, a good first impression. I want to understand the principles that govern human relationships and be able to use them, which is more important by the way.

I have found some stuff on these subjects but it is overwhelming the fact that there is so much info available. I don't know where to start from. For example, I know that, even that I am a student, I have to find a job to earn money (and not rely on my father to take me with him to "help" him with his job during summer). But, I am fascinated by the books I read on what I can achieve if I have a clear goal that I want to try and come up with an idea that if applied will earn me money. Plus I want to have free time to use and refine my social skills and my father's job is exhausting leaving me with little, if no, time to relax.

Now, I think that if I had a variety of choices, for example I knew that I could do three particular jobs, then I could choose among them. And that is applied in any area of life. The problem is: How can you identify your choices?

I know there is potential in me. I just want to find a way to release it and I am frustrated at the fact that I don't know how.