how to not be ashamed of needing someone?

[theknightwhosaysni-NI]

Yep, that's my problem. I am ashamed of saying that i need someone/love/a girlfriend.
With the girls, I can't go for a kiss even if they make it clear that they like me too.

I have no problem to invite them for a coffee or a tea, or even flirt a bit and make them feel attraction.
My problem is going through the next step, stating that I am interested in being more of a friend, and actually being more of a friend. I am in a process of getting free from this problem so I thought you might help me here.

I think I am actually afraid or even ashamed to state that I need affection, that I need a girlfriend, or that I like a girl. This is so holding me back. There was this girl I liked and she liked me too. She made clear statements of interest but I was just not able to make a move. Now it is clear that she is dissapointed with me and she moved on.
I move on too, but I want to learn from that, especially since it is not the first time that this happens to me (I blew quite a lot of occasions before). In a kind of selfish way I am too proud to show i need someone. And it makes me so timid.
Anyone has overcome the same kind of problems?
any suggestions that might help me?

Friends and girlfriends (especially girlfriends) are the area of my life I need to work on the most for now.

[cylon]

this has helped me with the same issues you bring up

[yossarian]

The issue you're dealing with is unconscious. IMO this won't be solved through conscious thought.

This may sound like odd advice but I think the best way to solve your issue is short, daily meditation. Find somewhere silent and comfortable, sit or lie still, calm your mind, and focus your attention on your breathing. I'm talking about like 10 minutes of it, just whenever you want.

If you're about to go meet someone, do it before you go see them. You might be surprised how effective meditation is in dealing with unconscious issues of exactly this variety.

[shesaboutspirit]

Just a thought for Cylon, he didn't say his problem was that he was a "nice guy". He said he has a problem going to the next step in a relationship. That may be very different.

I'm currently attempting to have a relationship with a man who shares this challenge. Yes, he's nice, but I don't think that's the whole deal here. I've been observing and engaging with my guy for six months now. He claims to be "shy".

Only you, NI can really know what's in your heart right? Just like the man I'm involved with, only he can find his truth...no matter what I do, or how much I think I understand, he has to make his own choice to show up or not. The reasons that I wait are my own to learn and grow from.

I believe we all deal with our own insecurities and perceived inadequacies. Digging for what we are really afraid of is an inside job. Only then, can you take another step, then another. And it's a process.

I wish you the best. I think that the biggest step is the one you already took, in realizing that this is your challenge. Most people would blame the other person and never know they were the one resisting.

So good job. You're part way there.

blessings,

Pam

[cylon]

Originally Posted by theknightwhosaysni-NI

Yep, that's my problem. I am ashamed of saying that i need someone/love/a girlfriend....I think I am actually afraid or even ashamed to state that I need affection, that I need a girlfriend, or that I like a girl. This is so holding me back.

Many men grow up ashamed of their need for sex and intimacy, because on one hand they've been told that men who think that way are pigs, dogs, whatever. And on the other hand, wanting intimacy is feminine and not manly. Cognitive dissonance, and it separates you from what you want, and going for what you want.

The program I linked to, has helped me deal with some of those issues and to get in touch with what I want, and to allow myself to have those very things. Maybe it could help him, or others with a similar challenge.

[Savage]

Being ashamed of asking for affection is like the cells in your body being ashamed of asking for oxygen.

Instead of focusing on getting affection, put your attention on giving it. It's fairly easy to get hugs and kisses if you're actively giving them to others.

Every day I offer Erin and my kids many hugs, and somehow I seem to get about the same number in return.

[judge45]

Send it out and you will get it back.

Recently I felt my relationship with my wife was lacking.

So I made a conscious effort to be more affectionate and caring.

The difference has been fantastic, it's made our bond so incredibly better.

Don't be afraid of love, there are essentially two emotions, love and fear.

When you give, share and feel love, no one can hurt you.

Your always come from a position of strenght.

Don't be fear, be love.

It's all you need.

And whatever you do focus on the moment, not the past or the future, no regrets, every moment is your first and your last.

HTH

Jeff

[theknightwhosaysni-NI]

Thanks to all of you for your support and your suggestions.

Cylon, I checked the link, it seems quite the same philosophy as David De Angelo's e-book or other dating advisors, only maybe more focused on the nice guy syndrome. I take it as a reminder not to be ashamed of my desires.

Yossarian, I do a bit of meditation already but I never thought it could actually help me for unconscious problems like that (even if i am bringing it to a conscious pb now). I am not convinced it could help but I'll try doing it before meeting the persons and see if it makes any difference to me. thanks for the advice.

Shesaboutspirit, thanks for your kind words and encouragement. I wish you the best too. You seem to be a nice person Pam

Steve, "Being ashamed of asking for affection is like the cells in your body being ashamed of asking for oxygen." that's comforting, thank you. This is the kind of belief i am going for.
Also, Steve and Judge, the idea of focusing on giving affection rather than trying to get it is great. To tell you the truth I had heard it before but didn't really do it. I didn't hear it in the context of this issue, and didn't relate to it.
I'll be giving affection to the people I like. That's not so easy anyway, because I don't use to do it, even with my family, and my father especially. (even if I do love them)
I'll do it step by step, but i'll do it.

And I am doing right now : love to you all

[Erki]

I think I also have something like this. I'm concerned that if I need someone or affection of someone then I'm needy, which I've understood to be a bad thing. Also, I read that one should be fine with themselves and not to seek someone to complete themselves. But if I feel the need for something then I'm not exactly complete, or...? And of course that wanting intimacy and affection and care and things like that are more feminine things and as a guy, I shouldn't feel the need whatsoever for it.

[cylon]

Knight, dating is actually the smallest part of that program, it's not about seduction or anything like that. It's actually not about dating at all.

[Lola]

Also, I read that one should be fine with themselves and not to seek someone to complete themselves. But if I feel the need for something then I'm not exactly complete, or...?

Erki - I believe you're correct that we should each be a whole person. Perhaps the seeking is for someone to complement who we are rather than complete who we are.

[placebo]

Probably the same situation with me too. Yesterday i went out after a long period of being alone and closed in house. I tried to study for midterms and save some money. I failed in everything i studied and somehow i didn't save a single penny. All i got is a feeling of loneliness and need for love.
Couple of drinks didn't help me to feel happy when we were in the club. I was looking at all those happy people, they were singing and dancing, celebrating nothing but life. I just stood there and looking around. And women just started to aproaching me.(that don't happen very often). We were talking about everything but i didn't pretend that i'm confident or happy. I couldn't pretend cause i'm really messed up these days. Girls tried to cheer me up, and they've succeded. Three possible dates are in front of me.

I'm waitng for meeting them again because i'm so interested what will happen now. I refused to be confident clearly showing that i'm a woulnerable person. If people are really feeling better when helping someone then they will feel like they helped me and that could be some kind of connection between us.
Or maybe that teory about confident guys will ruin everything again. Im so courious..

[theknightwhosaysni-NI]

Originally Posted by Lola

Erki - I believe you're correct that we should each be a whole person. Perhaps the seeking is for someone to complement who we are rather than complete who we are.

The way I see it, I am not looking for one special person to complement me or to complete me. I am rather trying to be a complete human being, and as a complete human being, I want to be able to receive and GIVE affection, because human beings need that.

[theknightwhosaysni-NI]

Originally Posted by cylon

Knight, dating is actually the smallest part of that program, it's not about seduction or anything like that. It's actually not about dating at all.

I will buy that e-book, it is not so expensive and if it has helped you then it will probably be useful to me too. Thanks for sharing it

[cylon]

Sure helped me. You may also get something from the online discussion forum, which for me has been a great addition to the book.

[shesaboutspirit]

I think the greatest healing is in our own perception of neediness. This has really come around for me this year. I remember how guilty I would feel for "being needy". I danced around this for ever. About six months ago though...something finally shifted. No doubt everyone here has been a part of this shift. I FINALLY realized that its okay to need love. All humans need this. Really feeling okay with this truth is an inside job, and cannot be faked right?

I hear people talk about someone being too needy and now I just feel like they haven't accepted their own humanity yet. I say a prayer for them and give thanks for this new deepening of understanding. Because now I can see them as humans with legitimate needs and not somebody trying to take something away from me.

Finding a balance of self love and what we need from others is an ongoing dance. Balance, like everything else we are learning about...

At 45 years old, healing this wrestling match with my own need, has finally opened me up to the relationship of my dreams. I've worked hard for this, and it's sooooo worth it. I'm now with a man, who accepts his own needs as well as mine and shares himself freely and I am in bliss

It's worth the work.

Pam

[Lychee]

I still don't get why needing love is considered a weakness. All over the radio you have love songs about how someone needs someone, someone needs love, etc. This is true and this is how people feel. Love is natural and is required for healthy growth. A child who grows up without love usually ends up having some emotional issues. It's the same with adults - a lack of love (or a lack of any essential thing for growth - see Maslow's hierarchy of needs) - will result in a negative consequence.

Recognize (which you already have) and accept the fact that you want/need love. I suggest you think ask yourself why you are ashamed to want love. You said you were too proud. Why? Do you think that needing love or needing someone who will show you affection is a sign of weakness?

shesaboutspirit- You're right on. We are too afraid to acknowledge our neediness. We NEED things. We need food, we need goals, we need love! These are all things which allow us to progress and move forward.

I don't believe it's fair for people to look upon a person's want/needs as a sign of weakness. However, do you think that if someone looks unfavorably upon you for wanting to be with them or wanting their companionship is wrong? Is that similar to what is being said here or is that negative (dependence)?

[shesaboutspirit]

Originally Posted by theknightwhosaysni-NI

I'll be giving affection to the people I like. That's not so easy anyway, because I don't use to do it, even with my family, and my father especially. (even if I do love them)
I'll do it step by step, but i'll do it.

And I am doing right now : love to you all

I'm feeling the love my friend See? You asked for something you needed, we all offered you some of our love, and you responded with more love of your own. We all win.

It's a pretty cool little circle huh?

blessings all,
Pam

[theknightwhosaysni-NI]

Originally Posted by shesaboutspirit

I'm feeling the love my friend See? You asked for something you needed, we all offered you some of our love, and you responded with more love of your own. We all win.

It's a pretty cool little circle huh?

blessings all,
Pam

yes, that is so cool...and it's simple! it makes me smile

[Boreas]

Originally Posted by judge45

Send it out and you will get it back.

Recently I felt my relationship with my wife was lacking.

So I made a conscious effort to be more affectionate and caring.

The difference has been fantastic, it's made our bond so incredibly better.

Don't be afraid of love, there are essentially two emotions, love and fear.

When you give, share and feel love, no one can hurt you.

Your always come from a position of strenght.

Don't be fear, be love.

It's all you need.

And whatever you do focus on the moment, not the past or the future, no regrets, every moment is your first and your last.

HTH

Jeff

Thank you so much for posting this, it is great! Beautiful!

I have the same problem as NightwhosaysNI in terms of getting intimite, the whole thing makes me feel ashamed or defeated...but I noticed when I go on trips and meet people I am happy and free with them, I give hugs and kisses, and give my all in having a good time. When I am not travelling I focus on the future, and I think of regrets (the past). When I focus on the future I get scared, and think of the way becoming more intimite will affect my little world. What I should do is focus on the beauty and the passion of the moment, and say it won't affect the future and just be consumed. I think this is an answer for a lot of things.