Using kids as scapegoats for a mediocre life?

[mmartin2009]

Something I just thought of:
So many people (probably most) say that having kids changed their lives. Many also say that since they have kids they can't afford to chase their risky dreams and therefore must stay in a life they hate in order to have stability.
I can begin to imagine how kids must turn out in that environment (myself included) but do you think parents see it that way? Are parents really happy to (unexpectedly) give up their lives for someone else? After 18ish years was it worth it? Not that having kids isn't worth it but would you have rather, in full retrospect, done something else with your life?
It seems to me that ideally there would be a balance but maybe not? Maybe some of us would be better off (ie happier) not having that huge responsibility?

[cylon]

People like to say "no" to life and will find any excuse they can to continue to keep saying it.

[Michael Chui]

Many people should not be parents. To throw out a meaningless figure, I'd say about 30% of people in the world should absolutely not be parents, and perhaps 10-20% of the remnant should be supervised even after being trained. But I'm only talking about competence, here, not motivation.

I consider parenting to be a full-time job. I absolutely disagree with people saying that a good father is also a breadwinner. They're different roles. By necessity, a lot of people work two jobs; if someone isn't willing to make "parent" the primary one, then they shouldn't be one.

I think that, for most people, having kids ends up being worth it at the end of that long run. Not that they just poof away at that point; they're still around. But I think that most people end up deciding that it was a mostly good thing, despite it all.

But I don't think that's a good reason to become a parent. Do it because you want to, because you think you'll do a good job. Just like any other job.

A lot of the problems in our culture have been getting traced down to the fact that people think that parenting consists of changing diapers and watching children play with all the pricey toys. Of bribing children to behave instead of teaching them. Of being nice to them all the time. They had no idea what they were in for.

[roxyruby]

I don't really want to have a child unless I can have a nanny or extra helper person that looks after the child half the time, then I look after the child half the time.

The child would have more happier, healthier, rested caretakers then.

& I think I may only have one child and maybe adopt one other, or more. With an unhealthy level of people in the world, people, especially those in a developed, stable country, it is not a good thing if they give birth to 3 or 4 + new humans, who, will probably have their own children, who, will probably have their own children.

There is a lot to think about when deciding on how many children you want to have, and the effect that amount of children may have on the future.

That's why I'd rather adopt if I want more children. Plus, adopted children might have a better life with me than other wise not being raised properly.

&& I don't want to have children for at least 7 or so years, or at least until I have enough money to hire a nanny etc, and have good plans etc in place to raise a child.

[MrBassMan]

I think a lot of the time, people have children because it's just what you do after you get married (which is just what you do when you're a certain age and are in a relationship).

If you've bought into the whole "normal" life then having kids is just part of the overall mediocrity. I bet some people use the kids as a scapegoat, just as many people use their spouse or their job or whatever.

I have two kids and I don't regret making the choice to have them.

[James81]

Interesting that this thread has surfaced right now, since I'm once again facing my issues with my current career in depth (this time until I find resolution).

One of the biggest and most frequent excuses is that I'm trapped her in my hometown because of them. That if I were able to leave this town, I'd be able to find work that is more fulfilling.

Yesterday, I had the realization that I was just using them as an excuse and that excuse tends to taint my relationship with them (inadvertedly) in a way. Not that I have a bad relationship with them. It's just that there is always this underlying "what if" sensation that exists under the surface.

So, I've decided to stop using them as my excuse. Solutions don't exist in my current life becuase I have chosen not to CREATE them. Opportunities don't exist in my area because I've chosen not to CREATE them.

Pure and simple. Since I'm the architect of my reality and my happiness, then it stands to reason that the only viable excuse for not getting what I want is that I simply choose not to create it.

[Ted the Mighty]

My grandmother might have stood to become a rather prominent scientist. Despite the incredibly disproportionate gender distribution, especially in her day, she had done some work with the celebrated Watson and Crick.

When she got married, I believe she resented my mother (her oldest child) quite a bit for the future she'd opted out of. They had a rather strained relationship and didn't really reconcile until my grandmother was dying of cancer.

[aggie]

some people probably do, but i think mostly if they are unmotivated or basically lazy and didn't realize how much work it would be to raise kids and have a life/career of their own.

this may be more true for women, at least of past generations.

but i have known/know people that still follow their dreams and passions with their children by their sides and their children seem to respect and flourish in it somehow. some kids just become latchkey kids.

everyone is different.

how many people without children let their lives pass them by.

some people have children intentionally for the wrong reasons.

some people make having children their main career in life and love it and do it well. some people suck at it.

some kids have everything in life their successful parents can provide and turn out crappy, miserable human beings.

other children have no opportunity thrive and do great things.

one of the things i hate to see is parents living vicariously through their children.

i decided not to have them for a lot of reasons...i guess it took me too long to realize that i could really take care of myself and i was a bit selfish.

[drakecatz]

The thing about this people is that Mother Earth doesn't need us to have children right now in her evolvement so if you don't want to have them...don't!

Having children will change your life forever, and they do become the most important thing in your life, and if they aren't you'll deal with tons of guilt!

My youngest son is the Earth Father type. He's loved kids since he was one and he has them now. My oldest son doesn't have them or want them. It's all good!

If you start having kids because mom wants to be a grandmother it's time to think twice. In this day and age it is ok not to reproduce and the earth will thank you for it.

[aggie]

well said...i figure for every person, including myself that decided we really did not want to have children there was someone who really did!

from a young age i was awed by the "hugeness" of the job of parenting.

and now i am awed by the number of people...a lot of them little more than children themselves, take it so lightly.

[James81]

Originally Posted by aggie

from a young age i was awed by the "hugeness" of the job of parenting.

Yeah, people keep telling me that parenting is this HUGE job, and I keep trying to figure out what the hell they are talking about.

Maybe I'm one of those people who take it lightly, but I don't feel like I'm a bad father. I may not be the best father in the world, but I am comfortable with my role as a father now and how I approach things. I've had people give me comments on how good a father I am, and I try not to let that go to my head or anything. I'm just saying that so you can see that I'm not by any means a neglectful father, despite how easy the job seems to be to me.

When I hear people prattling on about how hard a job it is to be a parent (of a normal, healthy child that is), I just scratch my head and wonder if they truly enjoy being a parent or if they've just done it because that was the "next logical step" on the list of things that everybody is supposed to do before they die.

And when I say this to people, I usually get a "Oh, well your kids are young, just wait til they get older THEN YOU'LL SEE! HA HA!"

And I think, well, maybe. But I seriously doubt it.

[aggie]

perhaps that is the secret to good parenting....making it look easy!

i guess the "huge" is more meant for the responsibility of the undertaking...whether it comes very easily or one has it tougher...acknowledging and accepting that responsibilty, i believe is the key.

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by James81

Yeah, people keep telling me that parenting is this HUGE job, and I keep trying to figure out what the hell they are talking about.

Maybe I'm one of those people who take it lightly, but I don't feel like I'm a bad father. I may not be the best father in the world, but I am comfortable with my role as a father now and how I approach things. I've had people give me comments on how good a father I am, and I try not to let that go to my head or anything. I'm just saying that so you can see that I'm not by any means a neglectful father, despite how easy the job seems to be to me.

When I hear people prattling on about how hard a job it is to be a parent (of a normal, healthy child that is), I just scratch my head and wonder if they truly enjoy being a parent or if they've just done it because that was the "next logical step" on the list of things that everybody is supposed to do before they die.

And when I say this to people, I usually get a "Oh, well your kids are young, just wait til they get older THEN YOU'LL SEE! HA HA!"

And I think, well, maybe. But I seriously doubt it.

You make me want to quote Einstein and something about great minds and violent opposition. Sounds like you're doing fine to me.

[shasah]

I don't regret a minute of being a parent. Are there other things I could have done or accomplished if I hadn't been? Sure. Would I go back and change anything if I could? No way. There is a special kind of love that a parent shares with a child (if they were meant to be a parent) that transcends any other accomplishment. I don't care what career my kids choose or whether or not they accomplish great things, just want them to be happy and healthy.

[blossom]

There are enough kids already. Some people just aren't breeders.

Originally Posted by drakecatz

The thing about this people is that Mother Earth doesn't need us to have children right now in her evolvement so if you don't want to have them...don't!

Having children will change your life forever, and they do become the most important thing in your life, and if they aren't you'll deal with tons of guilt!

My youngest son is the Earth Father type. He's loved kids since he was one and he has them now. My oldest son doesn't have them or want them. It's all good!

If you start having kids because mom wants to be a grandmother it's time to think twice. In this day and age it is ok not to reproduce and the earth will thank you for it.

[shasah]

Originally Posted by blossom

There are enough kids already. Some people just aren't breeders.

That's true. I had two, my sister had none. Depends on the person. Neither way is better. I'm happy my way, she's happy her way. Nothing wrong with that.