3 month relationship in doubt

[micklesonr]

Hi there, this is my first post on your forum. I am a 44 year old guy who has recently gotten involved with a 39 yr old woman. We have been dating a bit over 3 months now. I am employed and self sufficient, apparently good looking, have lots of interests and lots going for me. My new girl is a wonderful person, i am just nuts over her ( within reason ). problem is that she seems to be a bit too independent for my liking. We talk nearly every day, but dont see eachother for a week or more at a time sometimes. She is a recent college graduate, and has moved back in with her mom as finding a job in her field is tough right now. she drives, but doesnt own her own car. She is limited financially, but is self sufficient and not in any way a financial drain on me. we really enjoy our time together, get along really well and occasionally have deep philosophical conversations which are usually quite objective and never end up in an argument. She plays her cards very close, and doesnt spout off about things that she knows nothing about. In short i really admire her, and i pretty much knew that i eventually wanted to marry her eventually after about a month.

She values her independence a lot. She will come and stay at my place for several days at a time and then go home for about a week until the cycle repeats itself. I really dont know what it is that she does with herself as she is quite vague about her daily routine. as she isnt working at the present time i suspect that she has a lot of free time to fill. I dont suspect at this point that there is someone else as she seems to be a very honest and forthright person. She is very affectionate to me when we are together and seems happy to be in my company.


I have brought up my concerns about us spending so much time apart but it doesnt seem to phase her one bit. she wont live with someone again until she gets married, which is fine with me, and says that we have only been together for a short while and she doesnt want to rush things and make the same mistakes that she has made in the past. She tells me that she loves me,which i do believe, as she is such a hard ass that if she didnt there is no way that she would waste her breath saying that if she didnt mean it.

All in all i think that she is quite the catch for me. although she doesnt have a lot going for her in the monetary sense and is a bit secretive, i still get such a good vibe off of her when we are together that i cant ignore it. However it baffles me how she can seem so aloof about our time together,yet still say how much our relationship means to her. I have had many relationships in the past and i am quite confident with women, so being desperate is not a reason for me being in this situation. I need to know whether this can be construed as normal behavior, or am i probably just wasting my time. I am begining to feel more like the latter, otherwise i wouldnt be writing on this forum. Maybe a different perspective on all of this is what i need,maybe i need to feel more secure in myself when i dont get things my way. She says that in time things will find their own balance and it will all work out. sounds good on paper.......

[aelle]

Dude, if a guy had a problem with my independence or my need for privacy he would be out of here so fast.

You say you talked about your concerns, but you don't say why you are concerned.
Do you miss her too much during your time apart to function properly? Do you not trust her? Is your ego vexed that she doesn't need you? Some of these things you can address together, others are yours alone to deal with.

My relationship has been long distance for several years, and it really works as a magnifying glass for relationship problems. If you cannot trust your partner, have a fulfilling life outside the relationship or accept that they do too, then there's serious work you need to do.

Also, welcome

[micklesonr]

Thanks for your response. I think that to be honest i need to find a way to get used to this kind of situation. I have been in a couple of not so great relationships in the past and have been cheated on, so in a sense i am used to knowing what my partner is up to as a self comforting mechanism. Yes , i do feel a bit alone and unsure of things when she isnt around, but at the same time i am now realizing that maybe this type of situation is what i need to build up my trust level in a partner and not feel like the dagger is coming at any time. this is just an unusual situation for me, and it magnifies just how much work i have to do on my own behalf. However, some people that i have discussed this with have suggested that there may be other things going on and to be careful. Maybe she is just testing me to see what kind of guy i really am. I dont know. I want to trust and be cool about things, and so far i have done ok in that dept. but if i were to be decieved again, i feel like i would just be better off to become a priest or something. Maybe self esteem plays a part in this. I am just used to the notion that when someone loves you, they want to be with you. Not all the time, just more often than we are.

[rei]

okay, she has said she doesn't want to move too fast, and after what has happened before she now wants to wait until marriage to live with a partner.

my question is, why is it you don't seem to believe her when she says this? why is it you aren't taking her at her word? especially since you see her as a straightforward, forthright person. (i am not asking this to get you on the defensive, it's a simple question.) from your latest response i wonder if your reluctance to believe her is more from your own history than it is about anything she is actually doing.

does she know you have been cheated on and now you have a streak of unwarranted concern in this type of situation?

maybe she is a little bit of a private person, the way many Scorpios just have a tendency to keep some things to themselves. sometimes this is just part of someone's character and doesn't at all mean they are hiding something.

and maybe she is doing what she is doing because she has been hurt before when she opened up and shared all of herself with another person.

welcome to the forums

[micklesonr]

From the two responses that i have received so far, it seems that the concerns that i have are probably to do with my own shortfalls in the trust and understanding dept., something which has not gone un-thought of by myself. She seems to trust me, at least she doesnt seem to be too concerned about me straying, which is something that i have no intention of doing. Possibly this could be a wakeup call for me as to how far i really have to go to have a healthy relationship. I think that my dating life up to this point may have had some un healthy patterns to it, and now that i have a chance at a fresh start i dont want to screw it up. I am getting the impression that her behavior doesnt sound like it is unreasonable at all. live and learn.

[Misscpb]

Originally Posted by micklesonr

Hi there, this is my first post on your forum. I am a 44 year old guy who has recently gotten involved with a 39 yr old woman. We have been dating a bit over 3 months now. I am employed and self sufficient, apparently good looking, have lots of interests and lots going for me. My new girl is a wonderful person, i am just nuts over her ( within reason ). problem is that she seems to be a bit too independent for my liking. We talk nearly every day, but dont see eachother for a week or more at a time sometimes. She is a recent college graduate, and has moved back in with her mom as finding a job in her field is tough right now. she drives, but doesnt own her own car. She is limited financially, but is self sufficient and not in any way a financial drain on me. we really enjoy our time together, get along really well and occasionally have deep philosophical conversations which are usually quite objective and never end up in an argument. She plays her cards very close, and doesnt spout off about things that she knows nothing about. In short i really admire her, and i pretty much knew that i eventually wanted to marry her eventually after about a month.

She values her independence a lot. She will come and stay at my place for several days at a time and then go home for about a week until the cycle repeats itself. I really dont know what it is that she does with herself as she is quite vague about her daily routine. as she isnt working at the present time i suspect that she has a lot of free time to fill. I dont suspect at this point that there is someone else as she seems to be a very honest and forthright person. She is very affectionate to me when we are together and seems happy to be in my company.


I have brought up my concerns about us spending so much time apart but it doesnt seem to phase her one bit. she wont live with someone again until she gets married, which is fine with me, and says that we have only been together for a short while and she doesnt want to rush things and make the same mistakes that she has made in the past. She tells me that she loves me,which i do believe, as she is such a hard ass that if she didnt there is no way that she would waste her breath saying that if she didnt mean it.

All in all i think that she is quite the catch for me. although she doesnt have a lot going for her in the monetary sense and is a bit secretive, i still get such a good vibe off of her when we are together that i cant ignore it. However it baffles me how she can seem so aloof about our time together,yet still say how much our relationship means to her. I have had many relationships in the past and i am quite confident with women, so being desperate is not a reason for me being in this situation. I need to know whether this can be construed as normal behavior, or am i probably just wasting my time. I am begining to feel more like the latter, otherwise i wouldnt be writing on this forum. Maybe a different perspective on all of this is what i need,maybe i need to feel more secure in myself when i dont get things my way. She says that in time things will find their own balance and it will all work out. sounds good on paper.......

Hi

Have you thought of asking her if you can go and stay with her for the night or weekend at her mothers house. Maybe that would put your mind to rest in many ways when you are both apart.

[spirit4711]

Originally Posted by micklesonr

From the two responses that i have received so far, it seems that the concerns that i have are probably to do with my own shortfalls in the trust and understanding dept., something which has not gone un-thought of by myself. She seems to trust me, at least she doesnt seem to be too concerned about me straying, which is something that i have no intention of doing. Possibly this could be a wakeup call for me as to how far i really have to go to have a healthy relationship. I think that my dating life up to this point may have had some un healthy patterns to it, and now that i have a chance at a fresh start i dont want to screw it up. I am getting the impression that her behavior doesnt sound like it is unreasonable at all. live and learn.

Not necessarily. It may be true but other factors may play a role here too. She values independence higher than you. You value being together higher than she. That is not a problem in itself as long as you communicate openly about it and acknowledge and respect each others needs.

So it's not (only) about her being better or you being better. It's about learning, accepting, acknowledging and celebrating each others differences!

[danas]

I completely understand her, and probably one of the things that attracts you to her is that you don't have her all figured out. Thats a good thing.
Personally I'm more attracted when there is some mystery...
I also would take a relationship very slowly, Ive had my lessons, and one of them is, don't rush things, otherwise it might end too soon.
Also I like my time alone when connecting with someone intensely (love is an intense feeling), at least at the start.
She's independent because she's 39 and single. That seems natural.
You've only been 3 months together, and it sounds like a good start.
Dont worry too much

[danas]

Originally Posted by micklesonr

Thats just the kind of thing that would never happen. She has said that since her divorce about 6 years ago she has never introduced any of her boyfriends to her family. She wouldnt come and meet my family at either a lunch put on at moms place 2 weeks ago or at christmas dinner at my bros. place. Said that we had only been together 3 months and it seemed too soon for that kind of thing but sometime soon in the future it would happen. I can see her point but i gotta wonder what the big deal is as well. I would meet her family in a heartbeat, but i dont really care either way. Not enough to push the issue at this point. In some ways when we are together she seems so close, but its like there is a cut off point for her and then its almost "leave me alone". All independence issues aside, am i being unreasonable to expect a little more out of her at this point ?

Now that seems less normal to me...
3 months and doesn't want to introduce you to her parents or meet yours...?
Sounds fishy..
When Im with someone I love I want to introduce them to everyone I know as my new guy, especially my family.

[danas]

Originally Posted by micklesonr

Yeah, it seems a bit strange to me. She seems to really enjoy being by herself.

I can understand her enjoying being by herself. I love being by myself too, and need it, especially when Im in a new relationship, that helps keep my feet on the ground. On the other hand I dont understand her not wanting to introduce you to her family or to meet yours.
Still it doesn't mean something is "wrong" with her, but I think you should back off a little bit and give her more space. Because it sounds like her process of letting someone into her life is slower than yours.

[Plays With Life]

Originally Posted by micklesonr

Thats just the kind of thing that would never happen. She has said that since her divorce about 6 years ago she has never introduced any of her boyfriends to her family. She wouldnt come and meet my family at either a lunch put on at moms place 2 weeks ago or at christmas dinner at my bros. place. Said that we had only been together 3 months and it seemed too soon for that kind of thing but sometime soon in the future it would happen. I can see her point but i gotta wonder what the big deal is as well. I would meet her family in a heartbeat, but i dont really care either way. Not enough to push the issue at this point. In some ways when we are together she seems so close, but its like there is a cut off point for her and then its almost "leave me alone". All independence issues aside, am i being unreasonable to expect a little more out of her at this point ?

Maybe she's wondering what the big deal is for you, that makes you want to do the meet-the-family thing? I had a relationship with a girl that lasted a year or so, we lived together, and I never met her family. It never even crossed my mind, honestly. She never brought it up, either. For some people it's simply not a significant point.

[MidasGirl]

Why aren't you dating other people? You do come off as a bit needy. Maybe she's dating other people. Has she professed exclusivity? Why not ask her? Maybe she's not ready to commit "all her time" to you. Maybe other things matter more to her. Seems to me like you need to date other people meanwhile. What are you afraid of driving her away from? If you have to be so afraid of driving her away, I'm sorry, but this is not smelling like a relationship of equals.....

[Plays With Life]

It sounds like she enjoys being with you. Does she want to spend more time with you than you guys are spending together, now?

Somewhere I heard talk about "relationship contracts". Like we have an idea of what "relationship" means. Does she know what it means to you? Do you know what it means to her? It just sounds like you guys have a discrepancy there. If she enjoys being with you .. to me, it doesn't follow that she will want to spend more time with you. It just means that the time you DO spend together, she likes. And the amount of time you're spending together, she's happy with. I'm guessing that enjoying it doesn't mean, to her, wanting it every day.

I'm kind of hearing something like this, one from you and one from her -

"Well, when we're in a relationship, that means we spend some time together at least once a day."

"Well, when we're in a relationship, we have weeks at a time when we are apart, and some periods that we spend together."