Poor relationship with father

[lrose]

Perhaps I'm writing this in a public forum just to get it off my chest, not really expecting an answer or solution... just another personal issue that I can't figure out. And saying/writing things 'out loud' is sometimes a way to better understand ourselves.

I'm 27 years old, don't get along with my father; have a wonderful relationship with my mother -- we're very close. Parents have been separated for about 12 years (mom & kids left dad). I was glad when we left him -- I'm the eldest of 3 children.

I would call my father a fundamentalist Christian, which no longer jives with how I choose to view the world and others. We've had many conversations/arguments/emails about how we each don't really accept the other's viewpoint. When I was growing up, he was very judgemental and controlling. So based on that, I've developed a consistent habit of not wanting to share much of my life with him because I don't want him to judge my behavior. (side note -- I'm a very well-put-together person, professional, smart, capable... nothing overtly 'wrong' with the way I live my life.) He doesn't agree with the fact that I'm living with a guy before being married, the fact that I watch mainstream movies, the fact that I don't go to church, the fact that I used to like Madonna's music...seriously.

I don't see him often, but when I do, I have a very strong physical repulsion to having to be near him -- like a panic attack. My senses are on high alert, and I feel incredibly uncomfortable around him. If I had my way, I'd try to never see him again.

My siblings don't have great relationships with him, but I think they deal with it a bit better (or differently) than I do. My mom refuses to speak to him unless it has to do with the kids. Like I said, they've been separated for 12 years at least, and just a few months ago Dad finally accepted that they would not be getting back together! He has some depression issues (I do too) and probably some psychotic issues. Maybe bipolar or schizophrenic (this is what a therapist suggested -- not me) I think even his parents and siblings just tolerate his presence -- he's kind of the black sheep, socially not very adept.

My problem, to try to state it clearly: he wants to have a relationship with me. He says that we need to communicate openly and by talking more, we'll get to a place where we feel comfortable together and can be happy and share things. Like I said, I am so uncomfortable around him -- I don't respect him, don't feel that he respects me, I don't want his advice, don't want to know him. I honestly never see us having a 'normal' relationship. I'm getting married this year and don't want him at the wedding. Part of me knows I may be callous and immature in behaving this way, but the other part of me reacts so physically and strongly against having to be near him and communicate with him.

I feel like 'society' would say "He's your father, even if you don't like him, you owe him a relationship... to not include him in your life is wrong." But the other part of me says "This is unhealthy! This is not good for you...and it will never get better."

So... leaving out ALL the sordid details... that's it. I know that cutting ties with him would be incredibly painful to him, but to me, it would be wonderfully freeing.

[Matthew Shea]

It sounds like you've got a tough decision to make and a lot of thinking to do. Let me suggest that, if you do give him a chance, lay down a framework for your relationship that you both must abide by. In other words, agree to disagree about the sensitive topics that cause friction and don't talk about them. Perhaps you shoud be frank with him that you really would rather never speak to him again, so he understands the gravity of the situation, but, since he's your dad, etc, etc, etc, you'll maintain contact under certain conditions.

[lrose]

Matthew --

I think that is the point I'm at. But it's also part of the problem (and I hate to keep saying 'problem' because that promotes a certain mind-set on my part):

I have suggested to him that we agree to disagree. His response is that he will keep talking about the things he believes to be true 'until the sun implodes'. He doesn't think we're disagreeing -- he thinks he is sharing with me vital information that is for my well-being and happiness.

Lay down a framework: my therapist suggested this also. It's kind of a one-sided thing... I can abide by it, and he will too, for a little while, but then things deteriorate to what they were. Which is where I'm at now.

In any case, many thanks for your thoughts! It's just been on my mind a lot lately.

[Love]

Hi Lrose.
It does seem like a difficult situation. You're supposed to want to have a relationship with your father. He's supposed to be at your wedding. Well, what do you do if you don't want that relationship? Me, I love my dad, but I had to kick him out of my life because I can't agree with his values or the way he conducts his life. Maybe this could work for you too? I told my dad, dad, we've tried, it doesn't work, we have a great deal of differences, I love you, but you need to stay out now. I don't speak with him any more, but I still care about him, and that what works for me. My other friend, who also has dad problems, just tries to escape him the best she can. She told her dad not to come to our graduation and he didn't. My dad did (it was before I kicked him out). But basically if you don't want him to be at your wedding, tell him that. If you feel really guilty invite him to meet your new spouse at some other time. Your day shouldn't be spoiled. It's really frustrating to think that blood ties are the be-all and end-all of everything, when there are so many different types of relationships that can be more meaningful and beneficial than one of blood.

Good luck, lrose.

[lrose]

Heavy stuff! Thank you, Love, for your insight. I don't often hear from people who have gone the route you have. I appreciate the feedback!