Dating more than one girl

[Coffeesmurf]

My girlfriend dumped me a week ago - it wasn't a long relationship (two months) and the breakup had been brewing for some time. Surprisingly, I'm already OK again now and feel ready to start dating again.

I reactivated my online dating profile and during the last three days, three different girls have sent messages wanting to get to know me. Obviously it's very new, but they all seem like good candidates whom I have a lot in common with - all of them are active, love travelling and enjoy participating in sports. I'm on the dating site to find a long-term relationship and so are the girls that I'm now writing with.

I don't have a problem with writing to all three. I know from experience that it's not uncommon for people on dating sites to just stop writing/responding and sometimes you find out you're incompatible and never get to the actual dating part. I am, however, hesitant when it comes to the prospect of potentially dating all three at the same time. I know that I'm technically single and allowed to date whomever I please - but I can't shake the feeling that dating more than one girl at once is somehow wrong. Also, I don't like the thought that one or more of them could get hurt in the process.

I'm pretty conflicted. On one side, I'm interested in finding one girl to build a relationship with. But on the other side, I think that dating several girls could really help me build more of an abundance mindset when it comes to dating.

Any thoughts on the matter is very welcome. If you were a girl on a dating site looking for a serious relationship - how would you feel knowing the guy you're dating is dating other people as well?

[brendannz]

Good question,

I think that Steve Pavlina's label free relationships article, may be useful in your thinking on the subject.

[aelle]

Originally Posted by Coffeesmurf

I am, however, hesitant when it comes to the prospect of potentially dating all three at the same time. I know that I'm technically single and allowed to date whomever I please - but I can't shake the feeling that dating more than one girl at once is somehow wrong.

As long as all participants are informed and willing, there is nothing inherently wrong with it. Now, why do you feel uncomfortable? Is dating the same as being in a relationship to you? And is it a relationship you want to be monogamous?

Maybe you'd benefit from switching your mindset - from dating=romantic relationship to dating=interviewing to decide who you want to be in a romantic relationship with. It makes sense to interview several people even if there's just one position, right?

Originally Posted by Coffeesmurf

Also, I don't like the thought that one or more of them could get hurt in the process.

Good for you. To avoid this, you need to communicate clearly from the start. Something simple like: "By the way, I am looking for a relationship, but for now I'm also seeing other women until this gets serious. Are you okay with this?" If she's not, you'll always have time to decide what to do then.
And of course, keep communicating as the relationship progresses.

[PhoenixFlames]

No you were right first time Coffeesmurf.

Whether an Online Dating Database or using your Mobile's Phone Book to store, schedule and Manage multiple dates it is perfectly fine.

In fact I seriously doubt you are the only Male number on these Female Candidates Phones and they may also be Speed Dating and looking at other options or avenues.

In fact within the PUA movement, they call these Multiple Long Term Relationships, in fact PM on the way to you!
An MLTR is perfectly acceptable to some girls. In fact there was a study within some of the E-books that I sent where a survey was done of women rating men for Attractiveness.
It turns out that women rated Men Higher if a particular photo of a Male had a Female Standing next to him smiling. In fact they had two male photos of a good looking guy standing by himself, and a not so good looking guy with a Smiling Female (miraculously most women chose the not so good lookin guy's photo- even though technically the other guy was better looking.)

In the same E-book, the PUA (who is noted for his MLTR skills) had a link to a video where he talks in detail on how to convey to other women you are seeing more than one person (without lying or hiding) and for them to understand and be comfortable with this.

Overall the reason for the above is an Emotion called "Pre-selection".
Unless a woman is strictly into Monogomy she will be unable to deny she goes for Men that other women are into.
In fact at any Social Gathering regardless of age watch the Social Dynamic change when a woman shows interest in a particular guy.

[James81]

Originally Posted by Coffeesmurf

I know that I'm technically single and allowed to date whomever I please - but I can't shake the feeling that dating more than one girl at once is somehow wrong. Also, I don't like the thought that one or more of them could get hurt in the process.

The more you evolve along the path of becoming a more social creature, the more you'll understand why it's not wrong and it's almost necessary to date more than one girl at a time in the beginning.

I used to think like you too, but I'm really starting to see how having a pool of girls from which to date can really help keep you sane. The biggest reason for that, IMO, is that it doesn't make you anticipate just one girls communication with you. If you have more than one iron in the fire, you are busy and distracted enough that you aren't hovering over your phone or email waiting for her to call or respond to you.

Tell me if you've ever experienced the following scenario:

You meet a girl and she is into you pretty heavy. It seems like every single day she's calling, texting, or emailing you, wanting to go out all the time. You have fun with it and you do it for a week or two (or sometimes longer). And then, suddenly, out of nowhere it seems, she doesn't contact you one day. So you contact her, but she doesn't respond. So you wait and anticipate, and FINALLY she responds as if nothing is wrong. You're a bit confused suddenly as to how she can go from contacting you incessently to suddenly pulling back on the contact/response time...and she doesn't even act like anything is wrong, so you don't question it. But what you DO do is sit and obsess over it, wondering if she's lost interest or if there is another guy or whatever.

Has that ever happened to you? Well, it's happened to me with pretty much every relationship/dating experience I've ever had. lol And in the past, when I didn't have many irons in the fire, the obsessing about why she suddenly stopped contacting me all the time caused me to say needy, clingy things to her. "Why haven't you been calling/texting?" "I feel like you're losing interest." Etc.

And the minute I say that stuff, that anticipation which turned to frustration causes a fight/arguement and/or if it's too soon to be fighting it causes her to go away.

My point is that the more girls you are dating/talking to/whatever, the less inclined you are to engage in the above scenario. I'm seeing that in my own life right now actually. I'm starting to get enough "irons in the fire" (not just with dating, but with other things) that I stay busy enough that I rarely get a chance to sit around and obsess like that.

Like Angela said yesterday in my intimacy thread, the more you spread your social needs out over people, the less obsessed and worried you get about just one of them.

[spirit4711]

Originally Posted by Coffeesmurf

...
Any thoughts on the matter is very welcome. If you were a girl on a dating site looking for a serious relationship - how would you feel knowing the guy you're dating is dating other people as well?

I'm a guy but I assume any girl I would contact on a dating site would also date other guys until she explicitly says she doesn't. Nothing wrong with IMO. I wouldn't have a problem with dating more than one woman at the same time either. As long as you're honest with yourself and them about your intentions it's OK.

BTW you don't need to tell them every single detail about their 'competitors'. Just say if the question comes up: yes I'm also seeing other women.

[Coffeesmurf]

Originally Posted by aelle

As long as all participants are informed and willing, there is nothing inherently wrong with it. Now, why do you feel uncomfortable? Is dating the same as being in a relationship to you? And is it a relationship you want to be monogamous?

Maybe you'd benefit from switching your mindset - from dating=romantic relationship to dating=interviewing to decide who you want to be in a romantic relationship with. It makes sense to interview several people even if there's just one position, right?

I don't equate dating with being in a relationship and I don't have a problem dating multiple women as such if we're just talking going to museums, for walks or whatever.. it's more a question of being concerned about what to do when we get beyond that point. Like, is it still OK to kiss with more than one girl? How about having sex with more than one?

I don't know what the general attitude towards dating multiple women is, but I know that the women I've dated didn't date more than one guy at a time. My ex went as far as to not wanting to write with me at first, because she was writing with someone else.

[billionairekid]

Originally Posted by aelle

As long as all participants are informed and willing, there is nothing inherently wrong with it. Now, why do you feel uncomfortable? Is dating the same as being in a relationship to you? And is it a relationship you want to be monogamous?

Maybe you'd benefit from switching your mindset - from dating=romantic relationship to dating=interviewing to decide who you want to be in a romantic relationship with. It makes sense to interview several people even if there's just one position, right?



Good for you. To avoid this, you need to communicate clearly from the start. Something simple like: "By the way, I am looking for a relationship, but for now I'm also seeing other women until this gets serious. Are you okay with this?" If she's not, you'll always have time to decide what to do then.
And of course, keep communicating as the relationship progresses.

I agree with this response 100%. As long as you communicate clearly what is going on and what you are looking for, I think you'll be fine. Now if the negative feelings are arising due to thoughts you have about being involved with 3 women at one time, I'd invite you to investigate these thoughts. If you have not heard of the process called "the work", I would highly recommend you Google it. There is a book written about it and you can also get a couple worksheets for free that act as a guide through the process. I've used it to investigate, in depth, a lot of my thoughts about other people and myself and it's help me in a lot of different ways.

If we don't examine our thoughts, they can create false realities in our lives which can have negative consequences. If the girl is the one with the problem, by openly communicating, you will find this out and be able to avoid hurting anyone.

Good Luck

[Coffeesmurf]

Originally Posted by PhoenixFlames

In fact I seriously doubt you are the only Male number on these Female Candidates Phones and they may also be Speed Dating and looking at other options or avenues.

Sure, that's entirely possible.

In fact within the PUA movement, they call these Multiple Long Term Relationships, in fact PM on the way to you!
An MLTR is perfectly acceptable to some girls.

The thing is, though.. I'm not interested in a MLTR. Call me old-fashioned and conservative, but I kinda like the idea of monogamy

Overall the reason for the above is an Emotion called "Pre-selection".

No doubt that pre-selection is a powerful way of generating attraction. I've seen it happen lots of times. Just this week, after attending a spin class with a very attractive female friend of mine and joking around with her, I was approached by a girl who flirted with me after my friend had left the room. Something that hasn't really happened to me before. There wasn't any interest on my part, but it was an interesting incident.

[James81]

Originally Posted by Coffeesmurf

The thing is, though.. I'm not interested in a MLTR. Call me old-fashioned and conservative, but I kinda like the idea of monogamy

If you were to be 100% honest with yourself, are you interested in monogamy because you truly enjoy the idea of being with one woman? Or are you interested in monogamy because it's less scary, less risk, etc?

I think if you were honest with yourself, you'd discover that underneath it all you DO have a desire to get some experience with multiple ladies.

Seems like most guys go through a certain "journey" of sorts. A good chunk of them never truly complete the full "journey," but the ones that do all seem to follow the same path:

1. Start out a nice guy who gets walked on and doesn't have much luck with women. Think that they only want just one woman.
2. Get sick of their situation, hurt, etc.
3. Decide to change, and seek out ways to do so.
4. Discover PUA and read incessently about it, figuring out the lingo.
5. Try to apply what they've learned and have a string of stilted interactions based on "canned" social material, getting marginal success.
6. Shift from PUA material over into personal development material as a whole.
7. Become extremely successful with this and more natural, gaining lots of different social experiences.
8. Realize that multiple experiences tend to lead to the same old thing and get bored.
9. Decided to settle down and that they want a deeper connection with just one woman.

It's interesting that the general path begins and ends at the same place. Want to know what the difference is? The EXPERIENCE. When you start valueing your experiences over your destinations, you will enjoy life a whole lot more.

[RagsToRiches]

Originally Posted by Coffeesmurf

<snip>

Polyamory is the way forward.

It might burn you once or twice to begin with.

But once you find the correct way of using it with some useful understandings (like no sleeping with friends or enemies of the other person, etc.) then it's fine.

I struggle to ever see myself in a monogomous relationship again.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Coffeesmurf

I can't shake the feeling that dating more than one girl at once is somehow wrong. Also, I don't like the thought that one or more of them could get hurt in the process.

Dating more than one girl at once is the whole idea of dating! I assume that a man is dating other women until we have The Talk -- the one in which we agree that we'd like to date only each other. I don't even think it's necessary to spill your guts -- to tell them you're dating other women, tell them you are interested in monogamy/polygamy/bromosexuality -- on the first date or two. The first couple of dates are for having fun together, seeing how your personalities fit, see if there's any chemistry.

Dating more than woman, too, helps keep you on an even keel and helps you keep perspective -- if you get too crazed about one woman, you may lose your equilibrium and get too clingy and needy. Keeping yourself open helps you stay calm and centered, until you get to a point where you're ready in a conscious way to make any sort of commitment, one that's more or less balanced in energy.

If you don't like the thought that someone could get hurt, maybe you should give up dating altogether and become a monk. If you're dating, someone's probably going to get hurt somewhere in there. Your job, if you choose to accept it, is to act in accordance with your highest values, to be kind, and hopefully (from women's point of view) to behave honorably. It's an emotional risk, dating, and it's up to each person to take on as much of that risk as they feel up to -- it's not your job to subjugate your desires, needs, or values to avoid hurting others.

Go for it -- go date for fun.

[Coffeesmurf]

My point is that the more girls you are dating/talking to/whatever, the less inclined you are to engage in the above scenario. I'm seeing that in my own life right now actually. I'm starting to get enough "irons in the fire" (not just with dating, but with other things) that I stay busy enough that I rarely get a chance to sit around and obsess like that.

I think you're absolute right about that. I have a pretty busy, fun-filled life at the moment and I'm sure that will help me be less needy in general.

I've only done the clingy/needy thing once where I lost a girl from seeking her attention too much. She essentially ended our "relationship" because I called her and texted her the day after having sex for the first time.. she thought it was "too pushy" of me and she needed space.

I think I'm generally good at not displaying needy behaviour - but that doesn't mean I haven't done the whole "why don't she answer the phone, return a text message, email etc. etc."-thing

Like Angela said yesterday in my intimacy thread, the more you spread your social needs out over people, the less obsessed and worried you get about just one of them.

Exactly. But the way I see it, it's entirely possible to get your need for (non-sexual) intimacy covered by friends and family alone. I have a lot of friends I can talk to about anything and feel close to - and spend a lot of time with those friends.

Wasn't always that way, though.. I've gained a lot of close connection in just the last few years. Before that, I relied on just a few close friends. Knowing how easy it is to make new friends has helped a lot in reducing my fear of losing people in my life.

[Coffeesmurf]

Originally Posted by James81

If you were to be 100% honest with yourself, are you interested in monogamy because you truly enjoy the idea of being with one woman? Or are you interested in monogamy because it's less scary, less risk, etc?

I've thought long and hard about this and I'm not fooling myself. I genuinely would like to be in a relationship with one women. Besides, to me, monogamy is more scary than the alternative - so I'm not deciding out of fear.

Seems like most guys go through a certain "journey" of sorts. A good chunk of them never truly complete the full "journey," but the ones that do all seem to follow the same path:

My path is a little different:

1. Start out a nice guy who gets walked on and doesn't have much luck with women and think it's impossible to attract a women - for 32 years
2. Get a wakeup-call in the form of a chance wild relationship with a girl
3. Decide that maybe the belief that I'm unable to attract women is wrong
4. Start socializing more and dating women - with less success
5. Be a lot more successful simply from dating and applying lessons learned - as well as a few lessons from (the good parts of) PUA-material
6. Realise that I'm actually pretty good at dating, but that relationships hold some challenges I need to overcome

That's pretty much where I'm at now. It's funny, I felt like giving up (not that I would ever do so) after having dated two different girls after the relationship with my girlfriend ended. I kept at it, realising this is a numbers game. Now, I've dated five different girls - including the two I dated first - had a relationship with two of them and just sex with one.

It's interesting that the general path begins and ends at the same place. Want to know what the difference is? The EXPERIENCE. When you start valueing your experiences over your destinations, you will enjoy life a whole lot more.

Good point. Actually, after breaking up with my GF just now, I do really think my whole attitude has shifted. Now I'm ready to just have fun with dating and take things less seriously. I've already proven to myself that I can attract women, so if I "fail" there's always new opportunities out there

[James81]

Originally Posted by Coffeesmurf

I've already proven to myself that I can attract women, so if I "fail" there's always new opportunities out there

That's the biggest and most important realization that we can have. So, good show mate.

[newsbone]

I think best person to mentor you could be Tiger Woods!

[Coffeesmurf]

Originally Posted by Angela

Dating more than one girl at once is the whole idea of dating! I assume that a man is dating other women until we have The Talk -- the one in which we agree that we'd like to date only each other. I don't even think it's necessary to spill your guts -- to tell them you're dating other women, tell them you are interested in monogamy/polygamy/bromosexuality -- on the first date or two. The first couple of dates are for having fun together, seeing how your personalities fit, see if there's any chemistry.

Dating more than woman, too, helps keep you on an even keel and helps you keep perspective -- if you get too crazed about one woman, you may lose your equilibrium and get too clingy and needy. Keeping yourself open helps you stay calm and centered, until you get to a point where you're ready in a conscious way to make any sort of commitment, one that's more or less balanced in energy.

Very good points, Angela. I'm becoming more and more certain that dating several women just for fun and seeing how it turns out is the way to go.

If you don't like the thought that someone could get hurt, maybe you should give up dating altogether and become a monk.

You're right. Not about me becoming a monk, that is I guess it's just my "nice guy" ways kicking in. I'm going to focus on getting my own needs met and make that my number one priority.

Go for it -- go date for fun.

You know what - I think I might just do that

By the way. I'm more than a little confused. When I activated my dating profile, I just changed one picture and updated the text a little. Usually women don't really write men on these sites - which I've found to be the case for me as well in the past. But just a couple of minutes ago, I got a letter from the fourth girl in three days

[Coffeesmurf]

Originally Posted by James81

That's the biggest and most important realization that we can have. So, good show mate.

Thanks!

I think the realization came from a combination of my success in the last months and the dating site being a very real and concrete way of seeing just how many women are out there looking. Don't know why I never saw it that way before.

[Coffeesmurf]

Originally Posted by newsbone

I think best person to mentor you could be Tiger Woods!

Haha - I think I prefer Hank Moody.. he's cooler

[Liz Caitlin]

Definitely date more than one girl at once! I broke up with my boyfriend of two and a half years this past summer and seemed to immediately meet several guys I was interested in dating. So instead of picking just one, I dated all of them - and ended up falling for one, whom I've now been with
for over 5 months. It keeps your options open but most importantly it's crazy fun!

[Eduard E]

Personally, I believe that dating more than one girl at once is not only OK, but a very good idea. It's time effective and it keeps you in the mind set of abundance.

[TonyToneTone]

Go out with all three. Just because all 3 wrote you doesn't necessarily mean you are going to have a longterm relationship with all three. Go out with them all and see which you connect with best.

[James81]

Originally Posted by TonyToneTone

Go out with all three. Just because all 3 wrote you doesn't necessarily mean you are going to have a longterm relationship with all three. Go out with them all and see which you connect with best.

I'll go a step further and say that just because 3 girls have messaged you, doesn't mean that you are going to even get a date with all three.

Yet another reason why your mind needs to be set on keeping your options abundant and open in the beginning because girls can be a flaky a christmas convention in the North Pole.

[TonyToneTone]

James81! Thanks for your sig quote. I had wanted to see that movie but couldn't remember the name of it. I just put in my NetFlix que.

And Coffeesmurf, James81 is right. You want as abundant of a mindset as possible. Women pick up on these vibes as you're going to come across more confident.

[Coffeesmurf]

Quick update. I'm still working on convincing myself that it's perfectly fine to date several girls.. but I'm pretty sure it'll sink in soon. As for girls being flaky, one of the girls was actually seeing another man, so she took herself off the list But I'm currently dating the other three girls. They are very different, which is fun. The youngest is 23 years old and the oldest is 35.

This abundance mentality thing is pretty cool!

[cylon]

Sounds like you're bouncing back pretty quickly. Good for you. I don't know where we get this belief that everything has to be one man/one woman. Looks like you don't care for that particular belief. I don't blame you.

Along the same lines, I don't think it's that big of a deal if a girl is dating other men. You're dating other women after all. What's fair for you should be fair for them.

[Coffeesmurf]

Originally Posted by cylon

Sounds like you're bouncing back pretty quickly. Good for you. I don't know where we get this belief that everything has to be one man/one woman. Looks like you don't care for that particular belief. I don't blame you.

I think the experience gained from my earlier "relationships" - my first ex and the other girl I dated somewhat recently - helped me get back on my feet faster. Also, to be honest, my feeling were a lot less intense for my ex than with my BPD girlfriend. That took me half a year to get over.

Along the same lines, I don't think it's that big of a deal if a girl is dating other men. You're dating other women after all. What's fair for you should be fair for them.

Absolutely. As for the one who "took herself off the list", it was because she told me she wanted to pursue a relationship with the other guy she was seeing, not because I had a problem with her seeing other men.

No matter what happens and how this all plays out, I'll have fun and learn something along the way. That's really the most important thing. I'm realising that it's not up to me to worry about whether people get hurt in the process. I'm going to be honest if asked whether I'm seeing other girls - but I won't actively advertise it.

It's pretty fun. Writing with four girls at first on the dating site and not being in any hurry at all to set up dates has made getting dates very easy. One of the girls indirectly tried to get me to ask her out ("Sooo.. what are you doing tomorrow? I'm in town shopping for xmas present") over MSN a day when I didn't have the time.. so I didn't ask her.

The next time on MSN, she was a lot more direct about it. She made a sexual remark, gave me her phone number and asked me to text her so we could meet up. Abundance mindset vibes in action, I guess