Approval seeking

[ZenFender]

After nearly 2 years of "self help," I've come to the realisation that the main (perhaps only) thing holding me back is my need for approval.

Granted, my situation isn't THAT bad- I lead an absolutely great life filled with loads of great relationships. But internally, my need for approval is slowly eating away at me, and I KNOW I can do better.

Basically, at the core of it, approval seeking is wanting other people to like me. Sounds pretty innocent, but there are a lot of hidden dangers behind it. Firstly, I may act differently and not "be myself" just so people will like me. Also, I may occasionally act shy and not interact much so I won't screw up and ruin my image.

Basically, my need for approval is preventing my inner me from shining! In truth, why the heck should I care what someone thinks of me?!?! It's none of my business, it's theirs! And it truly isn't worth it to fake myself just to gain some approval from others.

So, I guess my question is, do you guys have any tips or advice on helping me remove my need for approval and in effect, kill my ego? So far, I've been meditating, and reminding myself during my day to not seek approval, but I'm sure there are more effective ways out there?

Thx!

[norbert]

How about focusing on others instead of yourself? Be interested in people around you, listen to them and soon they'll seek your approval. Not many people are really concerned about the other. Some of them might turn out to be intelligent enough to start appreciating you and walk beside you instead of leading or following. That's how great friendships are established which can lead to unconditional acceptance where no approval is "needed" anymore.

[Colm OReilly]

ZenFender,

As a child we need to seek approval. If people don't get approval/validation/acceptance as a child they die, simply. As adults however, we need to validate ourselves. It should be noted that very, very few do.

You recognise that it's holding you back, so congratulations on that for a start.

The "problem" as I see it is that you are trying to get away from this behaviour, rather that reaching some new paradigm or behaviour. Since all you're doing is focusing on what you don't want, that's directing your behaviour and beliefs.

So what do you want? Based on what you wrote you want:
A sense of acceptance/validation/assurance/approval. (pick whatever words resonate best with you)

Your inner self to shine through

To feel connected with people.

So start focusing on those three things. These are of course my interpretations and you should adapt them to suit you.

Simple affirmations to aid you focusing on it:
"I am self assured."
"I feel validated."
"I'm self validated."
"I'm connected to people"
"I let my inner self shine through."
"My inner self shines through"
"People like me"
"People like me for who I am."

Lots of love,
Colm

[Shaden]

Seek your own approval, noone elses approval.

I'll tell you a harsh truth now - if you seek the path of personal development, you're not going to get much in the stakes of approval from other non-seekers. They're usually quite heavily ingrained in the socially conditioned expectations they've experienced all life - which normally doesn't include personal development - and they only want to approve that which they recognise within themselves, so they feel some sense of peace with what they have chosen. Acceptance isn't a part of the average socially accepted ideal.

If you approve of what you are, that is the only approval you really need. Take satisfaction in this and develop pride in the fact that you have become what you have chosen to be and not a pale shadow of your surrounding influences.

[Scorpio]

I don't think there's anything necessarily wrong with wanting approval from people. We are social beings after all.

I wouldn't try to deny that need or write it off if it is something you feel. I don't think you should mindlessly want approval from everyone or the wrong people, but I think everyone wants to be liked and recognized by people they respect and look up to.

You must be feeling this way for a reason. Maybe this nagging need for other people to like you is a kind of flag, indicating that, if you're honest with yourself, you're not entirely where you want to be in life. If you made some changes for the better maybe the flag would be lowered?...

[ethereal]

Here's an exercise I picked up from my fav. teacher Dr. Hawkins --

Write down every single thing that others can say about you, and own them. Own all your downsides and limitations. So you're stupid, fat, and ugly.

So what?

Once you own everything, nothing can hurt you anymore.

This gets rid of all the dualities. People might think you're "programming" yourself negatively or whatever, but that's assuming that positive is good and desireable, hence creating the duality. If you don't care either way, nothing bothers you

I noticed this when I realized that I wanted to have a good self-image, I wanted to be attractive and intelligent and witty and likeable. This creates its opposite, and thus the fear always arises whether I was aligned with my ideal self-image or not, whether I'll lose approval or not, when, how, why, blahblahblah. If you have no self-image at all, if your ego is gone -- does any of it matter?

A lot of this is easier said than done, though. If it were easy to deprogram the ego, we'd all be enlightened 10 times over

-------

Raising consciousness and spirituality are real easy ways to release the ego, I suggest reading Dr. Hawkins' works (power vs. force, Eye of the I, I: Reality and Subjectivity) and do the A Course in Miracles workbook:

A Course in Miracles - Workbook for Students - Table of Contents

One lesson a day, 365 lessons in total. Awesome stuff

[moviestar]

That was my huge issue. Here's something that helped me a lot:

- approval seeking comes from the fear of loss
you are afraid you will lose the people you love, you are afraid your friends won't like you and will leave you. Think about it. Feel how it would feel if you lost all the people you know. If you would become an outcast. Imagine what it would be like and start accepting it. See that even if it happens you will still live and be happy. Imagine different scenarios, where you have to move out to a different town or even a country. You are all alone, but it is fine, you don't NEED them. Don't be afraid of losing your friends and relatives.

[MementoMori]

This question resonates. You described the situation very well. I've wrestled with this issue and only recently realized what's been going on for so long.

I'd nearly driven myself insane, worrying over every word I spoke, replaying conversations and critiqueing myself. "Oh, I hope she didn't think I meant _______!" "Oh, that sounded stupid!" (Etcetera) All self-imposed btw, my DH is a very good, patient soul.


A dear, wise friend (who is one of those people you're certain doesn't live to please others) told me something so brilliantly simple: stop caring

Silly as it might seem, I've developed this mantra: I don't care. So. Be out of my thoughts now.

I vary it a bit to spice it up.

THEN, I immediately FORCE myself to stop thinking about whatever it was. Immediately place something benign in its stead. Dinner menu, for instance. Anything else until the urge to worry over pleasing someone/what someone thinks of me, is gone.

(Reading all that sounds kind of funny out of context. Don't please anybody!Try hard not to! LOL)

I've felt much better since I've begun to work on/do this.

Hope this helps. If it doesn't, that's YOUR problem! LOL (kiddin')

[Lola]

I'm a LONG time approval seeker - in recovery for a couple of years now. (Almost seems like there ought to be a 12-step program).

I learned, after 40 some years of constantly auditing and altering my behavior to gain the unconditional love and acceptance I was seeking from everyone else, that what I was really seeking was for me to approve of me. I wasn't sure who I was or how I should be so I had to look outside of myself for validation that I was doing it right. As long as I relied on outside sources to define me, I was subject to what everyone else thought, and in some cases to their control. My identity was defined by whatever role I was playing and my self esteem was dependent on receiving positive feedback from the principal people in my life.

Consciously work on loving, accepting and approving of yourself, regardless. Then either the approval comes with it, or, like MementoMori says, you don't care anymore.

(I'm very tired so this may sound like senseless babbling. In which case I'll fix it tomorrow. Or, maybe I just won't care!)

[Steven Moros]

I think that it's important to develop self acceptance, and a positive self-image of your own creation. It's something I that I'm working on at present. Whenever I begin having negative thoughts about what other people may be thinking about me, I focus on my own self-image, I 'reel' in my awareness. I give myself self-acceptance, and thus become independent of what anyone thinks of me. If I accept myself, then I won't need the approval of others. I have, in the past, projected my awareness too far outward and have lost myself in the objects I was perceiving.

Call it a form of self love, or self-nurturing, but it's working for me.

Good Luck and all the very best.

[JimOfferman]

I was walking home yesterday, drumming a beat with my hands on my chest (a habit I picked up from my band's drummer). A cyclist who was passing by in the other direction saw this and felt a need to make fun of me by immitating my behavior and drawing his "you're a retard"-face. Without missing a beat, I made my "screw you gesture" and moved on. Afterwards, I only felt pity for the guy, because he apparently needed to mock me to feel good about himself. Poor thing!

Guess I don't need anyone's approval anymore... I'm fine with being me.
Plus, all my friends approve of me too - even when I'm doing silly things like drumming on my chest :P

Thing is, no matter what you do there will always be people who approve of you and people who don't. So, if you just behave and act in a way that leads to self-approval, then at least you'll see approval from the kinds of people YOU like to be around!

Jim.

[Paul C]

Recently I've also become far more aware of my own need for validation from others. At first I believed that I didn't depend on others so much for my self worth, but soon came to realize that I was, but in a more indirect manner. It was only after reading Edward De Bono's book "Textbook of Wisdom" that I grasped the reality of my situation more clearly: I was holding far too many expectations of self, many which were limiting my potential greatly. Most, of course, were expectations based in fear and lack. A self constructed cage, that was far more entrenched than I first thought, even after I had already made much progress in being aware of my ego and its influence on my thinking and being.

I am constantly amazed by how much conditioning is pressed onto to the mind by family, school, society, etc. It is no mystery why so many feel as if they are in a daze or feel they have no clarity on anything anymore. Just remembering back to childhood I can see many clues to why many suffer when they reach adulthood: an ever increasing level of self-inflicted expectation of every kind and forgetting that there is always choice- you are not your expectations, you can let them go if you wish!

I feel humbled and curious knowing that there is different levels of conditioning to be either discarded or changed in which to exercise a greater level of human potential; to grow without being suppressed by fear. Being motivated by curiosity over that of fear.

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

I was walking home yesterday, drumming a beat with my hands on my chest (a habit I picked up from my band's drummer). A cyclist who was passing by in the other direction saw this and felt a need to make fun of me by immitating my behavior and drawing his "you're a retard"-face. Without missing a beat, I made my "screw you gesture" and moved on. Afterwards, I only felt pity for the guy, because he apparently needed to mock me to feel good about himself. Poor thing!

Hehe, I admire that. It's little acts of expression like that that seem so rare these days. But I must be the change I would like to see within the world, so, it's time I teach through example. Thanks for sharing that with us, I chuckle just picturing the casual chest drumming.

[JimOfferman]

Hey Paul!

Chuckles are good! We need more chuckles in the world.
Good luck with expressing yourself and leading by example!

cu,
Jim.

[ethereal]

I realized the same thing in me, in a more sub/unconscious manner that before.

I agree that most approval seeking isn't coming from outside, but from a refusal to completely accept yourself. When you are satisfied with yourself, you become autonomous; what other people think of you doesn't matter, you're aligned with a higher principle than other people's validation.

I think the key underpinning is actually that of pride, a narcissistic attachment to the secret pleasure one gets from approval. Be willing to surrender the pleasure one gets from approval, and the whole thing collapses on itself. No need to seek approval when it doesn't get you anything anymore

There's also the corollary of being afraid of disapproval, which should be treated in the same way I think; there is some secret pleasure the ego is getting off of the feeling, which is why it persists. It seems paradoxical that the ego gets off of suffering, but it's stupid like that

Still trying to figure it out myself. I've been able to get rid of the coarser aspects of it through spiritual work and releasing the above attachments, but it seems like there's deeper subconscious layers that are still there. Gotta work on them some more

[Paul C]

Originally Posted by ethereal

I think the key underpinning is actually that of pride, a narcissistic attachment to the secret pleasure one gets from approval. Be willing to surrender the pleasure one gets from approval, and the whole thing collapses on itself. No need to seek approval when it doesn't get you anything anymore

There's also the corollary of being afraid of disapproval, which should be treated in the same way I think; there is some secret pleasure the ego is getting off of the feeling, which is why it persists. It seems paradoxical that the ego gets off of suffering, but it's stupid like that

Indeed! The ego is a surprisingly cunning mental form. Although direct awareness of its' activities quickly sap it of all control. It was within Eckhart Tolle's books "Power of Now" and especially "A New Earth" that I was introduced to the more core nature and mechanics of the ego. And as you said ethereal, the ego will seek out survival by any means- just trying to live, like everything else I suppose. heh, expectation appears to sometimes play the role of an effective staple food within the egos' diet.

[dktang]

Originally Posted by Lola

I learned, after 40 some years of constantly auditing and altering my behavior to gain the unconditional love and acceptance I was seeking from everyone else, that what I was really seeking was for me to approve of me.

Gold. I learned that I was conditioned to believe many irrational and ridiculous things and projected my thoughts to other people. All this time, I was actually trying to convince myself through others. Unfortunately, it isn't a realization that changes your life overnight. You've been conditioned for years, so dropping them would require time.