Should I break up with my long distance girlfriend?

[zackster]

My GF and I have been dating for 6 months. But, a month and a half ago I moved to NYC, so we are now doing long distance. I am 22 and she is 20, and this is my first serious long term relationship

Why I want to break up:

+ I miss the thrill of being single
+ I feel like I don't want to marry her, so why stay together now?
+ The only reason I don't want to marry her is because I always told myself I wanted to marry a really intellectually rigorous woman because growing up, I hated having an irrational mother. My GF is very socially intelligent (which I appreciate *far more* than intellectual intelligence) but not academically bright
++ Similarly, career-wise, I don't think she will ever be up to par with me. But I am encouraging her to start expanding her skills while she's still in college, even though her core competencies (grammar, spelling, critical thinking) aren't at an A-level.
+ Long distance seems silly.
+ I am neglecting new connections out of loyalty to her. I showed her Steve's polyamory article and she threw a fit.
+ I desire other women sexually, on an everyday basis, but realistically I don't think I would cheat on her.
+ I also desire her on a quasi-daily basis, but not being able to connect sexually can be excruciating
+ I waste mental energy wondering whether to break up or not
+ When I was single, I always criticized friends for being irrational and wasting time on long distance relationships on the road to nowhere
+ She can be needy


Why I don't want to break up

+ I like her
+ I like her a lot
+ I do love her
+ I think that if I broke up with her, I would regret it and miss her
+ She's my best friend
+ We have fun together
+ If I broke up with her, she would cut me off for a long time, so she could heal properly
+ This is my first long term serious relationship where my significant other truly loves me and that is something I appreciate
+ She's very feminine and I like that
+ We have a great connection


I don't know what to do =( We would have to be long distance for another year and a half while she finishes up school, although she may potentially come live with me for the summer.

[real20something]

here is where you lackster.

We are going to elaborate. The only reason why u are still with her is because you think you're in love. You wouldn't recognize love if it sat on your lap and called you daddy.

How many girls have you been with?

Here's the deal..at your age all that matters to you is career or education and booty.

Do you have your Bachelor's degree?

There's two types of degrees, one academically and one physically.

Having your Masters is very important to your future employer. Just as having your booty degree is important to your future spouse.

Do yourself and her a favor and move on and experience LIFE. When the time comes and your have tasted all the flavors of love..you will be ready.

[Eduard E]

You seem to be doing OK figuring this one out on your own. You have the reasons pro and against narrowed down, now quantify those reasons based on their impact. Give them points. Sum it up and see what's the conclusion. Numbers don't lie, just people do

[joyfulgrowth]

Imagine it is January 11, 2011. How do you feel?

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by zackster

I don't know what to do =( We would have to be long distance for another year and a half while she finishes up school, although she may potentially come live with me for the summer.

Your checklist for breaking up with her seems to be rationale-based, while your "staying with her" list is based on emotion. Which is more important to you?

[joyfulgrowth]

Another challenge:

Take some more time to sit down and find the need behind each of your points. Dig long enough with each point until you find a beautiful quality that has more to do with love than with fear. What is it that really matters to you about it? What do you love?

Once you have done that and are sure that all your data is based on a beautiful need you are present with right now, weigh again and find out what you want to do (hint: there might be a thousand other options other than break up / not break up).

Example:

"She can be needy"
My need (general): I value self-responsibility and mutuality.
My desire (specific wish): I want to have a relationship with a woman who has more than one strategy to care for herself. I want to learn how to say no in a way that still appreciates her. I want to have a relationship with a woman who shares my passion for personal growth.


Challenge number 2:

Find out how you in a situation where she says or does something irrational could express what you need in a way that values both her and you. Write down 10 clear, specific, positive, doable action or connection requests you could make in such a situation.

If that seems too complicated for the beginning, imagine you in those situations had the skills to both see her with love and express what is going on in you with clarity. How does that imagination feel?

[theorique]

zackster - it sounds like you have defined the pros and cons very intelligently. I think you probably know deep down what you want most much better than a gang of friendly strangers on the internet do.

Visualize and really the two possible futures as realistically and in as much detail as possible - which one does your heart want more? Which one would create more regret for you?

"[Advice is] what you ask for when you already know the answer but wish you didn't." (Erica Jong)

Also, Steve's podcast #7 seems to address choosing between two alternatives pretty well - I recommend it if you have not already heard it.
StevePavlina.com Podcast #007 – Solving Frustrating Problems

Good luck!

-jack

[joyfulgrowth]

Originally Posted by theorique

"[Advice is] what you ask for when you already know the answer but wish you didn't." (Erica Jong)

Wow, I love that one!

[akoma]

At your age, you seem to have things straighten out. One thing you must bare in mind is that you've only been dating this girl for 6 months. Long distance relationships only work when you KNOW for SURE that you'd be with the other person by rook and crock. And 22 is too young an age to be considering settling down. Comport yourself and call her and explain to her your concerns.

One thing, I would suggest you do before breaking up with her is finding a "potential" other before doing it. Otherwise, Trust Me, you'd end up calling her back few days, maybe weeks, later.

[joyfulgrowth]

You could also focus all your energy on becoming who you really want to be, and observe what happens to the relationship (could go both ways).