mother that drinks a lot

[nube]

I have some problems with my mother, she drinks a lot and completely change personality when she drinks and becomes completely silly and tries to get confirmation from all men in a very sexual way. And she attracts the worst kinds of men, that only exploits her, because she has an affirmation that all men are ********. She reads a lot of academic books on psychology and also spiritual books like Tolle and Hay, but it doesn't seem to sink in at all, and she is really silly, proud and angry all the time. I have been living with her for a month now after coming back from a long trip and I will be moving out in a couple of weeks. I get quite annoyed a lot of the time. And sometimes I pick up on her depression as I am very sensitive to peoples energy around me. It just seems being around her lowers my consciousness and it doesn't seem I can help her at all. She has just stagnated. She is also very lonely and has a lot of shame about her life. She has a lot of plans but never follow through no matter how much my sister or I encourage her. Is this because of my thoughts about what she is like? Can I envision her differently? I don't really have problems with addictions or anger, or most of the problems I have with her so I don't think it is a reflection on me in that way. Or should I simply restrict my contact with her? I would feel very guilty about this since she is lonely, but she must have a strong affirmation on loneliness as all of her friendships get broken (due to the drinking mainly).
Would appreciate some advice as this has been a problem for me for a long time.

[stayfly]

that's a serious issue and I've experienced something similar.

basically, your Mother has some personal issues and insecurities and to escape them she began drinking and know she is addicted to alcohol which makes it even more difficult to face and overcome her original issues and insecurities which causes her to drink more. she's in a sad and vicous cycle.

there are two goals here, one is for you to not blame yourself or feel like you were the cause of your Mother's issues and addiction and two, to help you Mother break free from the addiction to heal herself and her life.

both goals are challenging. for yourself, you may be best to distance yourself a bit so that you do not constantly see it and can life your own life and you may also want to try and help your mother be being loving towards her and encouraging and supporting her to improve.

for your mother, it is totally necessary that she gets professional help and treatment to overcome her addiction. if she doesn't, she will be unable to resolve her other issues or find true happiness and her health will most likely suffer as well. professional treatment is totally necessary as well as if she tries to quit herself then she will experience serious withdrawal symptons that can be life threatening without professional treatment.

would it be possible that you could help her seek and undertake professional treatment for her addiction?

[nube]

thank you for your answer

We have tried to make her realize that she needs professional help, and she realize it to a certain degree. The problem is she needs to write herself in to AA or similar and she is too proud to do that. Maybe if I had a meeting with her along with my older sister, talking about it seriously. It has just gotten to a point where we sort of accept it, because we have tried so many times to help her and discuss it with her. But of course we could try again. She also tells us that she needs help, but we have ended up becoming her psychologists the last years, and she is also diagnosing herself with all her psychology and self help books. She went to many different psychiatrists for many years but it doesn't seem to have helped at all, she is kind of stuck in her childhood traumas and talk about them all the time. I hoped Tolle and similar philosophy would help her, since it has helped me a lot, but that doesn't seem to help either.

[stayfly]

I can see that you are very caring and want to help your Mother very much which is great.

I've heard a lot of mixed things about AA (mostly bad) and I think it would be better if she went to see a doctor (maybe you could go with her) and they will most likely help her through with medication and supervised rehab to help her break the addiction.

It's no fun and quite confronting but it will help her to finally become well again. After that, some counselling may be required to help her to stay alcohol free and deal with her other issues too.

Do you think you could convince her to see a doctor for medical help?

[ssandra]

I don't think that I really have any advice for you, but I just wanted to let you know that I feel for you.

Remember that nobody can be helped if they don't want to be helped. And it is not your fault. It is not because you are not trying hard enough that she doesn't want to fix it. It is because of her, not you!!

[iDreamCatcher]

Try to come from (hard to accept) point of view that you created everything in this world.
You are all powerful creator of reality.
Above also means that you created and caused her to be this way she is.
That does not mean that you need to feel guilty - but rather that you may feel how powerful and great you are.

Having taken this point of view - you don't and cannot change anything by trying to change the result of your manifestation.

You switch attention to manifest what you want instead of what you don't want.
Don't try to convince your mother to change her behavior - she is just the result of your own manifesting powers.

Imagine and feel her being the way you want her to be - cheerful, healthy, full of energy and creative person. Don't give attention to "negative now".
Give more attention to positive "how you want it to be". Even if your present "now" is different from what you want.

Don't tell her what you do.

This is your job - she has nothing to do with that.
Keep seeing her the way you want her to be, keep feeling her being the way you want her to be and keep feeling great about her.
In other words - keep giving your energetic attention to what you want instead of paying attention to what you don't want.

Manifested reality should follow.

Gleb

[Lamusa]

My mother died almost two years ago and though she wasn't an alcoholic their were some patterns that she had (and I) had that made it difficult for us to connect on some levels. Though in hindsight, being my mother's daughter, I can see how we were always connected profoundly. There were some choices my mother made towards the end of her life that I didn't agree with and I struggled with for a long time. I ultimately came to accept that I had to let it go and live my life while giving her as much love as I could and show her that though I didn't agree with her destructive (my judgment) choices I respected and accepted her decision to live and die in the manner that she pleased. I came to this decision first by asking myself what I needed and what I was able to give and then asked my mother what it was that she needed and wanted. And at first I tried to impose my will on her - Insisting that things should be this way or that way but that just left me an angry depressed heartbroken woman full of little hope. When I finally decided to listen to her and me and give her what she wanted which was space to die in her own way I was overcome with sadness, then peace. In one of our last conversations when she realized that I came to accept what she had been trying to tell me all along, she wept openly in a way she hadn't done before. She deeply appreciated my acceptance of her decisions. It was is if she was waiting for that. Two weeks later, she passed away in her sleep.

Though my views on this matter may be a bit controversial it is ultimately what worked for me and my relationship with my mother. And even though this turning point came two weeks before her death, my relationship with her continues to deepen everyday. Had she lived longer I would have had more energy to picture her happy and healthy and could be more focused and detached when I did energy work on her. This is not what happened and I have no regrets because she was allowed to live and die in the way that she pleased. Do what you can, what you are willing and able to do and only what your mother will allow. Realize that there is a great intelligence inside of your mother and that the best help you can give to her is to love her without condition, accept her choices and live your life. And though, believe me I know, this is much easier said than done, realize that there is so much more to your mother that she is not presenting to the world right now. She may have many reasons to be angry. Focus on her higher aspects. Communicate with her at this level in meditation or dialogue with her in writing. Focus on memories of her that you have of her doing well and feeling loved. If you don't have any, make them up. Most importantly, focus on yourself. Let your happiness be an example to her.

A book I recommend is "Codependent No More" by Melody Beatty.

All the best,

Lamusa

[nube]

I have adopted the belief that I create my reality more and more the last couple of years, and seen a lot of proof for this. I will try your tips, thank you for posting them

I have some more questions though, since the situation has been like this since I was born more or less, did I choose her to be my mother because I needed her to be like that to learn something? I couldn't have created her to be like that since before I was born. Or could I?
And it seems, when I change for the better (less destructive etc.) some people seem to slowly disappear from my life while more conscious people appear and become my friends. Why is this? Why don't they simply change for the better too? I guess this is also a belief.

[iDreamCatcher]

I have some more questions though, since the situation has been like this since I was born more or less, did I choose her to be my mother because I needed her to be like that to learn something? I couldn't have created her to be like that since before I was born. Or could I?

I have the answer on this question that was shared by enlightened entity - but giving it here would distract from original very important question and spark unrelated and opinionated discussion. So let leave it for now at least...

And it seems, when I change for the better (less destructive etc.) some people seem to slowly disappear from my life while more conscious people appear and become my friends. Why is this? Why don't they simply change for the better too? I guess this is also a belief.

No it's not the belief. Belief is just the thought we keep thinking.
What happens is that you started to offer different energy vibration and that vibration attracted others who also have matching vibration. The ones who's vibration no longer matches - loses ability (interest, inspiration, desires, means) to be in contact with you. Others who's vibration started to match your new one - are magnetized into your experience. It's like you tuned on new frequency and started to hear new music (experiences, encounters, events, people) and old one is gone.
So when you'll start to see your mom in "new, happy light" - something got to change to match this new, happy light. It cannot be otherwise. And regardless how - it will always happen to the highest good of all concerned - yours and mom and everyone who is part of this relationship.
I cannot say more specifics than that because I am only the student of this universe - but few lessons that are learned seems work well.
"They" - always have a choice - to change to match your vibration or be gone out of your energy field (life, experience). But you neither can decide for "them" what's the best for them neither you can change them no matter how sincerely you believe it would be a great idea. You can only change yourself - your vibration rather. All "doings" and "problem solvings" is far secondary. Inner vibration is primary cause and reason. Most people do seems to take it backwards.

Gleb

[stayfly]

Originally Posted by iDreamCatcher

Try to come from (hard to accept) point of view that you created everything in this world.
You are all powerful creator of reality.
Above also means that you created and caused her to be this way she is.
That does not mean that you need to feel guilty - but rather that you may feel how powerful and great you are.

Having taken this point of view - you don't and cannot change anything by trying to change the result of your manifestation.

You switch attention to manifest what you want instead of what you don't want.
Don't try to convince your mother to change her behavior - she is just the result of your own manifesting powers.

Imagine and feel her being the way you want her to be - cheerful, healthy, full of energy and creative person. Don't give attention to "negative now".
Give more attention to positive "how you want it to be". Even if your present "now" is different from what you want.

Don't tell her what you do.

This is your job - she has nothing to do with that.
Keep seeing her the way you want her to be, keep feeling her being the way you want her to be and keep feeling great about her.
In other words - keep giving your energetic attention to what you want instead of paying attention to what you don't want.

Manifested reality should follow.

Gleb

while it is possible that somehow she created this experience for her Mother, is also possible that she didn't create this experience?

not every single thing that happens in this world is the result of just one persons thoughts and energy and sometimes people actually do things on their own accord believe it or not.

[nube]

It's interesting, this thread kind of reflects my own views on reality, part of me believes I create it, part of me is skeptical to this. Hmm.

[iDreamCatcher]

It's interesting, this thread kind of reflects my own views on reality, part of me believes I create it, part of me is skeptical to this.

Well if you assume that you do not create your own reality (and you get 6+ billion of ones who will insist on that) than you cannot really change anything. Then the only thing left to do is blame, fight, push, resist. End of story.
But if you assume that you create 100% of your own reality - there is a huge hope at the end of the tunnel. Try to change yourself and see what happens. It's more fun this way. Play the game. Don't invite others though - they'll bore you to no end insisting that it's not fair to play the game "your" way.

Gleb

[ar81]

First. Addiction to alcohol is a biochemical problem.
It creates such a strong compulsion as if you were dying of starvation or you were thirsty in the desert.
Basically the biochemical cheat is cheating your mom, making the brain to work differently.

So when you say "she is not the same", you are right. A computer with a spybot would have a different behavior when it is taken by a hacker. Alcohol works like a brain hack.

Our behavior is determined by the brain, which is just another organ.
Some aspects of our biology can be controlled by us, but some others are controlled by biochemistry.

Unfortunately for you, there is nothing you can do.
She needs to hit rockbottom to realize that she needs help and that she wants to get out of the hole.
However rockbottom is different for many people.
It may be shallow or very deep.

I may advise you to put some distance from her, and tell her that she needs help but you won't interfere until she looks for help and she is willing to find a solution. Do not blame yourself, there is nothing you can do. Only she can get out of this on her own.

If she reads about psychology, it feeds her rational mind, but biochemistry alters thoughts and perception, so she might be unable to use rational thoughts when her brain is hacked by biochemistry. Rational mind is useless when facing a biochemical need like alcoholism.

The only thing you could do, at most, is to help her to hit rockbottom, which would not be very pleasant (for example "I will leave you alone while you are doing this") and it could make you feel bad.

Or you may tell her about hitting rockbottom and tell her that when she wants to get out, you'll be there. Until then she is on her own.