trying to date a gorgeously ugly superficial man

[cbreeze]

I'm involved w/a man who is (in my eyes) gorgeous. Intellect, physique, voice, eloquence, intelligence - a dream machine. In the beginning of "courtship" it was he who stuttered at times due to shyness, however with time he made my feelings of feeling comfortable and looking forward to seeing him now into making me a nervous wreck for I'm learning that he is so superficial and scrutinizes everything I wear from head to toe. I consider myself attractive and the only thing we have in common is an unbridled passion that is now hindered for I've succumbed to insecurity and feeling I don't measure up. Should I stop now before being hurt more? He's an electrician and these guys hang around comparing women - I'll never feel good enough and it only brings up feelings of inadequacy and selfcritisim. I'm seeing him tomorrow after not seeing him for two months and quiver, but am psyching myself up to project feelings of worthiness and loving thoughts and intentions on good communication. But, while being selective to a degree is okay, being superficial at his degree makes me feel its not worth my ego's time. I myself am a little superficial and forever self critical - is he just a projection?

[Margaret]

Dump him fast.........there are millions of decent men in the world why spend one more evening with someone you describe as superficial. I hate it when women are described as being "masochistic" but this is what you are if you keep on seeing him. This is the equivalent of throwing the dice and loosing, then continuing to throw the dice. Meanwhile with each throw you feel worse and worse about yourself.

[yossarian]

I know this is a cliche but I think you really need make it clear to him how you feel in a loving and dispassionate way

it's very easy for guys to be insensitive without knowing it

if he isn't interested in making you feel good while you're around him, then it's time to move on

[Shaden]

it's very easy for guys to be insensitive without knowing it

That's very true.

Also have you considered the fact that his occupation (electrician) could have something to do with the way he's acting? In other words it's not really his true self, just the influence his friends have on him, that makes him act the way he does.

I bet if you bring it up with him, he'll be shocked that he does it

[Angela]

Originally Posted by annah

he made my feelings of feeling comfortable and looking forward to seeing him now into making me a nervous wreck ... I'll never feel good enough and it only brings up feelings of inadequacy and selfcritisim.

Mr. Dream Machine is not the issue here. Things may or may not work out with him, but he doesn't "make" you feel anything; you are free to feel what you choose. If you banish Mr. DM, "I'll never feel good enough" will still be there when you meet Mr. Next Fab Guy.

Start at home.

[C33]

I bet you can find someone much much better than this guy.

This is so sad that you feel that way. I agree with the previous poster, you are doing it to yourself, you do not have enough self confidence for the next really great man who will come along.

You should let this guy know, that his constant put down bothers you. It s not about the people he hangs around with. After all, if you had to work with thieves, would you become one, just because you would be exposed to them? I bet not. So, there are no excuses. If he is looking for a trophy girlfriend, then, does he have what it takes to attract her? If he wants movie star looks and the perfect wardrobe, maybe he should take a good look at himself and see that he doesn t have the means to date someone like that.

Sometimes, men delude themselves looking at 2 dimensional representations of women, thinking they could get some gorgeous playboy bunny. Buy him a nice poster of a perfect ( with some Photoshop help) lady and go find a real Dream Man.

Take good care of yourself, I hope you get your self confidence back very soon!

[Rapid]

May I ask why are you seeing him again after two months of hiatus?

I once dated someone who cares about superficial things like appearance. I really didn't like that (felt really uncomfortable) but still continued to date this person. Eventually he broke up with me, saying that, although I'm the most caring soul that he has ever met, I'm not the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with.

Don't compromise yourself. Never settle. There's probably a better guy out there for you!

[Narz]

To annah, just enjoy him for what he's worth and if he starts getting too critical let him know. If he continues, move on. Passion is good but overly critical people (unless they're trying to change and/or realize they are critical and make up for it with ALOT of love) aren't worth it.

Originally Posted by Angela

Mr. Dream Machine is not the issue here. Things may or may not work out with him, but he doesn't "make" you feel anything; you are free to feel what you choose. If you banish Mr. DM, "I'll never feel good enough" will still be there when you meet Mr. Next Fab Guy.

Start at home.

I'd say the fellow AND her are the issue. Just because it all starts at home doesn't mean you have to hang out with people who push all your buttons.

[taylor2]

unbridled passion sounds good.men seem to always think they are just so "it".I have seen the ugliest men talking about women like the women were so lacking but actually the women were way better looking than the very women they were putting down.i would just take what he offers.good luck-taylor2

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Narz

Just because it all starts at home doesn't mean you have to hang out with people who push all your buttons.

Annah feels "unbridled passion" with this person, in other words, she's very attracted to someone who pushes her buttons. When someone pushes your buttons, it's a gift! It's true that she, or anyone, doesn't have to hang out with someone who makes her feel bad, and this guy does sound like a good candidate for kicking to the curb. But if she kicks him to the curb without dealing with her own feelings of inadequacy, and she pushes all of the responsibility for the bad feelings onto him, then she can look forward to having the same button pushed over and over in relationships until she does.

[Dating Specialist]

Originally Posted by annah

I myself am a little superficial and forever self critical - is he just a projection?

He very well could just be Annah!

While I agree with what Angela say, I also like to add that this man could be here to tell you something. What is it about him that makes you feel so less of yourself, yet you still have this urge to go and meet him? Though you said you are quivering at the thought of meeting him again, but deep down inside, are you hoping to meet him? Is it to prove something to him? Or to anyone in fact?

Perhaps getting recognition from a man as superficial as him could mean something to you? Well, I'm just taking a shot here...I could be wrong..

[taylor2]

well-she said "he scutinizes her from head to toe."maybe he is looking her over with lust.she did not say he said anything negative but that she thinks he is superfical and shallow but she admits that she is the same way.maybe she is not reading him correctly.if they are having unbridled passion-and now she is imtimidated by him,maybe it is cause she wants him.he likes her too-cause of the passion between them.SO what if the guys all hang around and compare women...if he has not said anything to break away-well-maybe it is what she thinks he feels about her.she said she was critical herself.sometimes we think someone feels a certain way and they never even thought of it.well-good luck.hugs taylor2

[cbreeze]

Could it be from needing his approval since my Dad was critical w/me? Yup - you're all right. I let him disempower me - but, truly girls, if you were to look at this guy and i'm not exaggerating - he's a pitt/cloony/depp the pirate this charismatic and sexy guy is - a ken doll. Unfortuantely, I cannot find anything wrong w/his body/face/hair/teeth/etc. I CANNOT! and i've met lots. it's as if i need his approval and am running to mirror a thousand times to check out how I'm looking. Today he asked me to suddenly turn a certain way and assessed; you R pretty/sexy. Sometimes he doesn't want 2 B seen w/me. WHAT'S THAT ABOUT? I'm in another relationship who treats me like a queen and I sometimes don't want to be seen w/him - it's the same reflection of things I like/hate in me which I like/hate in Mr. Dream Machine. Last year we talked about moving in together. I couldn't stand his BS anymore and didn't see him for 2-3 months, till he came back a'callin and BAM! I melt. I've never met someone so compatible romantically (pheramones) yet, so infuriatingly emotionally abusive. He has admitted out loud he knows he's shallow and superficial, self centered and selfish. And I can't stay away. It's like I'll forever be looking for his approval and wonder/ponder what he's thinking. While w/the guy that's balanced, I only think about and want 2B W/Mr. DM. I'm torturing myself and need to focus on my major issues of lack of self love. If I choose to move in w/him in 2 months - sure fire sacrifice and disappointment. gawd - to the nearest shrink.

[zpivat]

I think the following article perfectly describes why you're still together with Mr. Critical: Answers to Why Single Women Are Attracted to Jerks . Trust me; read it....it's utterly accurate it's scary. It explains everything, from why you're most attracted to Mr. Critical, to even why you're just feeling so so with Mr. Balanced.

That's why all the "nice guys" finish last....it's because women tend to stick with these "bad boys"!! Make the world a better place by dumping him; NOW!

[cbreeze]

Just read the page you recommended on why women are attracted to jerks and yes, it was uncanny how accurate it explained a lot and made me back off from the ill feelings I felt toward my self, altho, I still need to wake up and walk away or do much learning on how to not focus on his approval for self validation. Thanx so much for in-sight-filled material!

[Shaden]

Damn me for being a nice guy

[andrew]

ah, the power of attraction.

[Dharma]

Angela's two posts are right on. Read them again.