First female/female relationship, a little overwhelmed

[moonshooter]

Hi Everyone,

I hope all of you are having a lovely Thanksgiving and the beginning of a good holiday season.
I was wondering if I can get anyone's advice on my relationship situation. I am a woman and I met and started dating another woman about 2 months ago. The first month was great, a lot of butterflies and infatuation. I admit I was quite carried away with the novelty of it and I think she is a great person. But lately, the last couple of weeks, I have been having very mixed feelings about us. She asked me to be her girlfriend a couple weeks ago as well, although I feel like the circumstances surrounding the question were pretty intense. I also feel that she keeps wanting to introduce me to all her friends and integrate me in almost all aspects of her life. The more she does that, the more I want to withdraw.
At the same time though, I feel like I am putting a lot of effort in the relationship in terms of being the one to call or initiate contact in some form as well as being the one to drive over to her place more instead of the other way around. I know I shouldn't be nitpicking these things in a relationship, but this is my first real relationship with a girl and in my past relationships with guys, I have never felt that I needed to put in this kind of effort.
In addition, I think I am still dealing with the same-sex relationship identity. So I am kind of confused about what I want. In summary, I feel overwhelmed that she wants to integrate me so much which is a sign that she might want to be serious, which I am not sure I am ready for yet. At the same time, although I don't think I want to be serious yet, I would like her to make more of an effort in terms of communication so we can get to know each other better and spend more time together. After all, it has only been a couple of months.
Lastly, am I overthinking this entire situation?

Thanks a lot!

[moonshooter]

I also wanted to clarify that the intense circumstances surrounding her asking me to be her girlfriend included a conversation where she spoke about her "practical" (pessimistic) opinions on relationships, an uncomfortable dinner she had with an ex she dubbed "crazy", and her taking me on a tour to visit 3 groups of her friends over the span of a day. As well, she drinks quite a lot too. She's not an angry drunk or anything, but I find drinking a lot a bit unattractive and that's all she does when she goes out with her friends. I wish I can suggest somehow that I would rather her spend time chilling out with me and watching a movie at home rather than binge-drinking 5 nights a week. I don't know. I extremely like her, and our personalities match well and we get along great. It is just all these underlying things that are starting to get to me.

[rei]

have you tried talking to her about what you want that you aren't getting, and what you're getting that you don't want? a sober conversation is preferable if possible. these are the kinds of things that will eat away at you if you don't try to talk about them with a partner of either gender.

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by moonshooter

Lastly, am I overthinking this entire situation?

Let's start here. Yes, you are. Chill.

Originally Posted by moonshooter

I know I shouldn't be nitpicking these things in a relationship

No, it's fine. You're in a new situation, so it's normal to be hyper alert to all those little things that might make you trip. It's like visiting a city you've never been to; you've got to keep an eye on the map and everything is fascinating and all the people are different and and and. Two years later, the novelty wears off and it's just your home and the market's over there your best friend's place is over there and hey, it's the accordian guy on the street corner again.

Originally Posted by moonshooter

But lately, the last couple of weeks, I have been having very mixed feelings about us. She asked me to be her girlfriend a couple weeks ago as well, although I feel like the circumstances surrounding the question were pretty intense. I also feel that she keeps wanting to introduce me to all her friends and integrate me in almost all aspects of her life. The more she does that, the more I want to withdraw.

So my feeling on this was that she thinks of the idea of being a "girlfriend" differently from you. The strength of commitment she attaches to that idea is probably smaller than the strength you assign to the idea.

My recommendation?

Take a breath. She sounds like the kind of person who you kind of blend into and follow them around and you get a thrill just from doing stuff with. Go with it most of the time; I suspect you've had a lot of fun the times you've let yourself go, and there's nothing wrong with that.

But.

Ask her to take a break every now and then. Maybe go for a hike in the woods or a long drive or maybe a local tourist thing or something else that's slower paced. Something that changes it up from her routine and gives you a chance to spend lots of time together.

Originally Posted by moonshooter

In addition, I think I am still dealing with the same-sex relationship identity. So I am kind of confused about what I want.

There's nothing wrong with that. You're new to it and you're not sure you're in all the way yet. Relax. You've got plenty of life left to figure it out, and a romance with another girl isn't the end of the world. You've come this far, so you might as well see what there is to see.

If it doesn't work out, then you can go find some guys again. Or maybe find a different girl.

Originally Posted by moonshooter

In summary, I feel overwhelmed that she wants to integrate me so much which is a sign that she might want to be serious, which I am not sure I am ready for yet. At the same time, although I don't think I want to be serious yet, I would like her to make more of an effort in terms of communication so we can get to know each other better and spend more time together.

So, this is what you say: "I really like you, but I'm really scared and I don't know what I'm doing. I want to get to know you, but we keep running off and doing all these different things that I just can't keep up. Can we try things my way for a night? This Friday, let's get some popcorn and watch a movie at my place. Just you and me. We can have a couple beers, too, but we'll do it at home. You interested?"

Think that might work?

[moonshooter]

That sounds like it might work! thanks Michael! it is relatively new and i am trying to adjust. i think we are good and allright when we are hanging out together besides a couple of those small speedbumps.
Upon reflecting, I think the bigger difficulty I am having now in terms of communication is that whenever we are not around each other, like this thanksgiving break when we both went to our respective homes (as one example)... i feel like she doesn't make the effort to keep in touch. I mean she might instant messaged me online, but I'm talking about calls or simply texts. I feel like I always have to initiate these kinds of communications and that is what is really starting to bother me. If she asked me for a commitment, shouldn't we be doing the simple fundamentals without an issue?

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by moonshooter

Upon reflecting, I think the bigger difficulty I am having now in terms of communication is that whenever we are not around each other, like this thanksgiving break when we both went to our respective homes (as one example)... i feel like she doesn't make the effort to keep in touch. I mean she might instant messaged me online, but I'm talking about calls or simply texts. I feel like I always have to initiate these kinds of communications and that is what is really starting to bother me.

If she asked me for a commitment, shouldn't we be doing the simple fundamentals without an issue?

You make it sound like a moral issue. People think of communications differently. Me, personally, I don't like to use the phone, whether with voice or with texts. I just don't like it. I prefer using an IM client, or being there in person; the phone is this halfway, not physical, not mental, coordination device.

But that's me. I know a lot of other people really like being on the phone and hearing the other person's voice, and don't like all the typing involved with an IM client. I know some other people who just eschew all of that and don't talk about anything important except in person.

Maybe she doesn't realize you want her to call you or text you? You could just flat-out ask why she doesn't. People are different and we've all got our weird little habits and quirks.

[spirit4711]

Originally Posted by moonshooter

...
If she asked me for a commitment, shouldn't we be doing the simple fundamentals without an issue?

It's not so simple, apparently. Different people have different needs. E.g. you want to be sure she initiates contact as much as you do, for her it's not so important (or so it seems).

Your mutual expectations differ. That in itself is OK, but it sure helps to talk about those expectations. Not so much to change them, but to get a feel of what the other needs / wants / appreciates. And to not feel disappointed if the other doesn't meet your expectations all the time.