What the hell is wrong with me?

[lostinspace]

I guess this subforum seems appropriate enough for what I'm about to tell you, as it must be largely a social issue.

I'm 34 years old and am going crazy. I don't have close friends. I've never been in a relationship with a woman (I'm a guy) though I've dated a few times. If you knew what I looked like, you'd be shocked I'm single. Women NEVER approach me, and people in general pretty much ignore me in social situations. I still can't figure out what I want to do when I "grow up," jumping from one job/career/hobbie to the next; the Purpose articles on this site don't seem to be working for me (at least not yet). Always depressed, always alone. My state is totally affecting my productivity at work and life in general. I have nobody to talk to save for a psychologist I recently made an appointment with...my parents are uneducated immigrants who can't really relate to my problems and generally don't talk to their kids that much.

My youth was a nightmare. I couldn't hold a steady job until I was 26, so I never had any money. Even now I have great difficulty just getting through a job interview, and just take whatever menial job I can get. This despite the fact that I have a high IQ. I never went to parties or any of that because I would just freak out. On Fri/Sat nights I was often home crying myself to sleep. Stayed away from malls, stores, public bathrooms...that sort of thing. If I was forced to be somewhere, like school, I just couldn't talk. I'd try to but when I opened my mouth nothing would come out--I believe this is called Selective Mutism. The only time I seemed to function normally was when I was out with my skateboarding pals.

I'm scared. I don't want to live like this any longer, and I often just want to die. I can't even describe the feeling I get when walking alone through a "cool" part of town and seeing all these people out doing fun things and having a good time together.

Anyone else in a similar situation? Any advice? Sorry for the long post, but I just had to vent, I guess.

[JHL]

Hi lostinspace,

you're clearly in a lot of pain. You sound very down on yourself, confused about what to do with your life, and its a scary place for you to be.

You've made an excellent choice in choosing to go see a psychologist, so well done for that. It shows that you care about yourself and that you're willing to do what needs to be done to help yourself.

From what you wrote, it sound like you're feeling depressed, and have felt that way for quite some time. The thing with depression is that its so difficult to see the positive when you feel that way, and so difficult to imagine life being any better - but its just a feeling, one that your therapist will help you manage and that will go away in time.

Remember that you're not alone, even if it feels like it. You'll always find friends here for comfort and support when you need it. I encourage you to write often here and share more of how you're feeling.

Here's a question for you - if you imagine having no fear of social interaction and felt pretty comfortable with yourself - is there any type of work that sounds appealing to you?

[munish]

I'm 34 years old and am going crazy. I don't have close friends. I've never been in a relationship with a woman (I'm a guy) though I've dated a few times. If you knew what I looked like, you'd be shocked I'm single. Women NEVER approach me,

-----------
You are only punishing yourself when you want to be in a relationship with a woman more than she wants to be in a relationship with you.This is not viable grounds for intimacy between a man with a masculine essence and a woman with a feminine essence. It is better to move on and work with your hurt than it is to continue demonstrating that your feminine desire is stronger than hers.
source-Way of the Superior Man.
By David Deida.

Amazon.com: The Way Of The Superior Man: A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Woman, Work, and Sexual Desire: Books: David Deida

[ethereal]

Great quote munish, but might be a little out of context here for LIS. This isn't just about relationships or women or a social life, but about life in general (although, LIS, it seems like if you got a girlfriend and cool friends your life would turn around 180 degrees -- not so!).

Happiness and fulfillment is 100% directly correlated with consciousness level, as David Hawkins (the guy who mapped out levels of consciousness in the first place) discovered. Jobs, money, relationships, friends, entertainment, approval, status, fame, etc. are nice, but we can see that even people with all of the above often still aren't happy (i.e. celebrities).

It's tough getting yourself out of depression and healing your self-esteem, but we're all glad that you've taken the initiative to change and to talk it out with others. I highly recommend exposing yourself to high spiritual-energy sources; i.e., happy/helpful people, friends that make you feel good (rather than make you feel bad, but you believe you still need their companionship), inspirational music/movies/quotes/books, perhaps joining a church or other spiritual/religious group, going out into nature and admiring the beauty in all things. If you need them, take anti-depressants too, they can help.

Though if there is one thing I'd suggest you do, it is to understand as much as you can the levels of consciousness and the various techniques to raise them. The main thing is to keep holding the intention that you want to change, that you want life to get better, and pray to God that He show you the way. The fact that you're even here on this forum means that you're actually doing quite well and being responsible for yourself, and your destiny is to eventually overcome these obstacles. Otherwise, you wouldn't even be here. Two books I recommend are:

1) Ask and it is Given, by Esther and Jerry Hicks
2) Power vs. Force, by David R. Hawkins

I'd actually stick mostly with 1 and do their exercises (or "games" as they call it ), they're very useful. 2) is for a greater understanding of consciousness levels, as well as exposing yourself to very high spiritual energies that may help you rise in consciousness just by reading it and understanding it. What's very useful is to identify what level you are at (in various areas of your life), and try to get yourself to the next level up. For example, in social/relationships it might be the level of fear; the next level up would be desire, and so you set your intentions on learning how to talk and socialize with people in order to get what you want (dates, friends, etc.). In due time, your desire will overpower your fears (or the pain is too much to bear), and you'll naturally be guided to push yourself out of it and into a higher level of consciousness. The exercises in "Ask and it is Given" are very helpful for doing just that.

Once your consciousness level raises, your experiences will naturally change, and you'll attract friends, girls, success, happiness, etc. into your life as a direct consequence of who you've become. Pushing yourself over the edge to Courage, and you're set to go; self-improvement then becomes self-sustaining.

Hope this helps, I've been through it before and I can feel your pain (and I also have some experience with the way out of it). There is hope at the end of the tunnel, so keep at it

[rondon]

Hey there. I dunno if this will be helpful. (Elevator vs cage?) Though just add to your awareness that - hey - I'm headed to your situation myself.

And yes, there's ton of advice out there about not comparing yourself to other people, so I'll just say what we have in common:
- no close friends... check! (actually, I _do_ have friends, I just try to stay away from them for my own reasons - partly also coz dont wanna bother them)
- never been in a relationship (and I'm also a guy) ... check! (You at least had a few dates under your belt. I had two dates, and my pals had to set that up!)
- still can't figure out what to do when I "grow up" ... check!
- the Purpose articles on this site don't seem to be working for me (at least not yet) ... check!
- Always depressed, always alone - well... not exactly. I prefer to be alone with my own thoughts, don't want to bother other people about self-help stuff and sound preachy (and at the same time hypocritical)
- never went to parties or any of that because I would freak out ... lesseee - more like I got to parties, but I didn't _choose_ to be in those parties.
- On Fri/Sat nights I was often home crying myself to sleep ... well, I'm more like depressed about my situation of not having a girlfriend and not being "inspired by a purpose"

No, can't offer any "advice". Maybe this Perfect Universe has a plan for us? I heard that Eckhart Tolle said us Contemplative types would be the "Frequency Holders" who will "anchor the frequency" of the New Earth. (Hmmm - not to hit on Tolle, he's great, just that being a "Frequency Holder" sounds like a doorstop or cup-holder or something.

BTW - my vice of choice is anime, and I'm in my "up-swing" mode. An hour ago I was depressed as hell, skipped work, and tried to get myself "out of it" by reading SP's "Overcoming Depression" article. Worked a little. You can try it.

Oh yeah, I'm 30 btw. And, as ashamed as I am, I'll admit it - still livin' with my parents. (Case of NEET / Freeter / Hikikomori?)

[Shaden]

I'm scared. I don't want to live like this any longer, and I often just want to die. I can't even describe the feeling I get when walking alone through a "cool" part of town and seeing all these people out doing fun things and having a good time together.

It seems like you've surrendered yourself to the socially conditioned perceptions that exist around us. You might be walking through a "cool" part of town, but in reality it's not really a "cool" part of town, you just believe it us. I sympathise with you - I think we all do - but let me tell you something - these "cool" parts of town, are populated by people who you don't want to be. They wear the same clothes, try and be like each other, don't care for originality and do whatever the concensus dictates them to do. They go to parties because that's what people do. They drink alcohol because that's what people do. They be loud and racous because that's what people do.

These people won't help you with your depression, or help you to find your purpose, or to find your higher consciousness. All they will serve as is a distraction - they will cover over the problems you face without actually ridding you of them.

Surround yourself with people who are intelligent, funny and individual. Think of an interest you have and join a club with like-minded people. Pretty soon you'll see that going to parties, drinking alcohol and being loud and racous aren't the only ways people have a good time - they aren't the only fun things people do. They're noticed because they're brash, loud and popular - but the reality of the situation is that they probably have just as many problems as you do, but drown them out with anything they can use to distract themselves.

List your interests and join a club focused on that particular interest. And also kudos for seeing a psychologist - that's a very brave step to take. You might think you're weak at the moment but the truth is that you have the potential to solve all your problems - you just have to appreciate this. If you get time, read my article.

Focus Your Confidence Internally

I wish you best and remember - we've all been there before (yes that is hard to believe but trust me)

[Scorpio]

It sounds like your problem is some sort of social anxiety. If underlying anxiety is your issue then all the talk of finding your purpose or fixing your views on having friends won't help much until the real issue is handled.

You sound like your people skills are rusty as well. This site has been mentioned on this board a few times and is a pretty good resource for that... but again, if the anxiety isn't addressed you'll have a hard time implementing any advice.

Sorry, if you already know that about yourself, which you might

[Mayo]

Start working on your body, if you have high IQ start hanging with high IQ people, go to museums, start learning to paint in local art group where there are people your age, go Yoga classes (many chicks there also - pls. stay away from loonie type of women - i hope you have good nose for that), mixed aerobic classes - first go body-building

If you have physique problem: body-building, aerobics(running, swimming,...), get a good skin tanning(it makes miracles) but pls. do not over-tan!

Women like men first look at the physique, with good physique if you can attract many many women even if you are geek, after that you have to be able to speak, so that is why i encourage you to go to local art groups,museums,... where intelligent women tend to go, and many of them are darn sexy too, no matter what age (^_^)

[lostinspace]

Hey, thanks guys!

JHL-
Yeah, I'll write back. If I could choose a career, given what you said, probably actor.

Munish-
I wasn't talking about women specifically; just included the topic to help illustrate the fact I have no people to talk to or hang out with.

Ethereal-
Thanks dude. I'll look into the books.

Rondon-
Move out of your parents'. You'll be glad you did.

Shaden-
I know about "cool" people. I just used them as an example. It's the idea that most other people in general have a "life" and I don't is what gets me down.

Scorpio-
I think social anxiety *was* my biggest problem. When I was younger I was in constant terror. I seem to have grown out of much of it though. I can go to parties and crowded places now and not get anxious anymore. But I think I still carry the scars and bad habits that developed during those days. Also, yes, my social skills are lacking and I don't really know how to interact with others that well (which is probably what fueled my anxiety in the first place.) I've already been reading howtobecooler.com. It's good stuff.

Mayo-
The first thing I did on my self-improvement journey was get fit, so the body stuff is taken care of for now. Now it's just my social skills/life and I guess next year I'll make my major career move, whatever that will be.

[andrew]

Hello my friend.

I can empathize with you and your situation, even though I'm about half your age. Do a search on some of the posts I made about myself to see what my story is, it's not as bad as yours, but maybe it's some inspiration.

You need to know that there is no quick fix for this: it WILL take years. Now I can't really relate to somebody so old as in what to do with social situations, because the things I'd do, you would look foolish doing.

But what you need to do is really, now I mean really think about how grateful you are for what you DO have.

I'd also like to point out this about the cool part of town talk. People like me and LIS space don't care if those people are trendwhores or aren't great people; we see that they're having fun doing what they're doing with other people. It doesn't matter what it is, it's just the fact that they with other people enjoying social activities and we're not. I mean sure after going to parties and being obnoxious you find it isn't right for you, great. But there's nothing really wrong with reasonable partying, and for somebody that can't or hasn't, it's something quite mystical.

But it's the fact of not being able to do it if you WANTED to that is hard. Not having the option of doing something. If you don't like it, great, but at least it's available to you.

Hell, being almost 20 and not doing a lot of these things and I feel like I've waisted so much time. I can't imagine what it's like another 14 years.

The truth is, you can do it. But it will be an uphill battle and you're going to have to put so much more effort into it. The feeling is that most people just do these things: "oh party friday at Amanda's see you there man", whereas we have to spend months just getting around people that might even know about parties, let alone be INVITED to one.

I started my turn around about 4 years ago. I look totally different, I think different, I get treated different, and girls look at me different. All in good ways. Now I am considered attractive, as modestly as possible, but 4 years ago I wasn't. I may have been born with it, but it was automatic. I had to work 4 years to look like what I am, so it's like the ugly duckling story all over again. I'm saying this because there's SO MUCH you can do both mentally and physically to become more attractive. It's one of the biggest parts of social aspects, what others see you like. But here the catch: they see you how you se yourself. So if you see yourself as a million bucks, dress like it, think like it, act like it, and expect to be treated like it, so will other people. It's not about CARING what other people about you, that's different. This is the RESULT of what you do to be the best you can be to yourself, not to please other people.

The cool part of town talk again, yes, those people care what other people think. They do stuff to be acceptant because that's the easy way, or they just enjoy and are ignorantly blissful. But I digress. The point is to make yourself look nice, make yourself a better person for you. What other people think of you isn't the goal, it's the result.

Make sense?

[Shaden]

I know about "cool" people. I just used them as an example. It's the idea that most other people in general have a "life" and I don't is what gets me down.

Glad to hear it. Based on your reply then I think the best option you have is to work out what you want your life to be like - and then to make that a daily reality. Of course that's when you'll run up against some of the fears that you currently can't handle.

From the sounds of things you're a bit of an introvert (you dislike parties, you're very quiet, you don't have many close friends) but you'd like to be an extrovert. Have you thought of trying to embrace your introversy and seeing if you can enjoy it? I know that most people's definition of fun is being out with a bunch of friends, but trust me - friends can be at times quite, how shall we say, ****.

The only time I seemed to function normally was when I was out with my skateboarding pals.

That's good... did you find it easier to function with these people because of their nature, or because you knew them well? I've known skater's before and there pretty relaxed and laidback. Perhaps that's the group of friends you'd like to look for now? A bunch of really cool and laidback people. Not immature, but relaxed and free?