In love...

[dreki]

Hey there,

I have some questions or some thoughts I would like to share with you.. I would be very grateful to get some feedback.

The thing is... I've fallen hard and deeply in love with this great, amazing girl and for the first time in my life I feel this way about somebody. I'm ready to make a commitment, ready to go all the way to be with her, share myself with her, protect her, and give as much as I am capable of!

The question is now... What should I do? I have so much doubt!
She lives far, far away from me. In fact in another country which I will only visit in five months. I met her while I lived there this fall and met her several times, but our relationsship never developed into anything serious. Not even as friends. We had a lot of good conversations over MSN though - and although we didn't see each other that often, I felt that we were on the same wave. We inspired and learned from each other and she made me think. That's how I want a mate to be... God, it's taken me a lot of time to realize I felt like this about her. I have been too scared to face the reality that I simply want her and that I believe we can be together although that dream seems so far away right now and it might never come true! But I want to! Cause I am ready like never before and for the first time in my life, I feel I deserve to be happy!
I am just so afraid she can't and won't ever feel the same way.. She said she wasn't ready for any relationship.. And I respect it! I won't make her love me.. But still I want to fight! I want to be in her life the same way as she is in mine although we are not together right now. I believe in her and I believe that we can make it work.
My doubt is that I am simply being too naive and we don't know anything about each other.. Maybe in reality we are totally incompatible and it will never work. And so be it. I can live with that. I just can't live with myself if I don't try!
But how? How can I fight for my dream?
I just don't know anymore...

I'll appreciate your answers a lot!

[cylon]

I would say, date some girls now. You're not in a relationship with her. So you're free to meet girls and see who you are compatible with. Then see how you feel in five months.

You've got a massive case of what's called one-itis. It sucks, I should know.

[ethereal]

Lol, gotta agree with cylon here. After you date 10+ girls, they don't seem that special anymore, which is a good thing by the way. Girls don't like it when you project massive value and expectations onto them that they can't live up to, it's uncomfortable. Contrary to what most of society thinks, girls would rather you see them as who they are, rather than worshipped at a pedestal; normal human beings, imperfect and flawed but you accept and love them anyway.

Sounds harsh, but do what cylon suggests, even if you don't want to, force yourself to meet and date some new attractive girls. If you still feel the same way after 5 months...then go for it but until then...

[zpivat]

Just curious, in what country do you live and where does she live? Take things slowly and make effort to get to know the girl better....
Long distance relationships can work, but I personally believe it requires more effort than regular (i.e: non long distance) relationships. So if you can meet her regularly, or if one of you could make a sacrifice and move to the other's country (either in the near or far future), you'll have a better chance of making the relationship work well, I think.
I think direct physical interaction is an important component in a relationship, because it lets you learn about each other better, as opposed to merely having one through the cyber space.....
I wish you all the best luck!!

[dreki]

Thanks for the tips you guys!

Well, I will move to the country she lives in in July, so the physical part won't be an issue in five months... I'm from Denmark. She's from Iceland. You know Northern European countries.

Yeah, I know I should go out dating and try and see other opportunities... And surely I have very high thoughts about her, but how can I remove them? I'm really in love from a distance! I don't have illusions that in reality everything will be the same. I know it is much, much harder to make a relationship work and that she has flaws. I certainly have them too! The thing is I've never dared to try anything before. Every one of my picture of the other girls have been illusions. I know this is one! But, for once in my life, I am finally ready to take it a step further making the illusion real. And maybe I can risk losing everything or gaining anything, but the most important thing is that I am ready.
And trust me, I've been dating a lot of girls before - never met anyone that had so many qualities that turned me on mentally and physically.
But yeah, of course I am not gonna turn down the opportunity to date other girls.. Right now, I just don't feel like it. Been out there on the dating scene.. Never had any luck.. and got tired of just having fun. I had my share of fun, but I think it's time to move on...

[zpivat]

Hmm......so he's from the land of Michael Learns to Rock, and she's from the land of Björk....nice!!
(Just wondering......I'm not sure if the Danish and Icelandic people learn each other's language in school unlike the Swedish and Finnish do, so........what language do you speak to her? English may be??)

Well okay you know what...in your very first post, when you said "In fact in another country which I will only visit in five months", I thought you only meant that as a regular visit/vacation to Iceland (i.e: that you'll eventually go back to Denmark after a while), but since it turns out that you're really moving there, then I think that's even better....he he... LOL.
I agree with the other posters' suggestions on how you should keep your options open and keep dating, BUT........since you two are going to be together in 5 months due to your serious effort, it's she whom I think you should date.........(if she wants to too of course take it slowly though, since she said she doesn't want to be doing anything serious yet ) seriously!! Afterall, at some point in our lives, we should stop "playing" and get serious once and for all right?
Anyway........greetings from the "icee" and *brrrr* "freezee" Toronto, Canada, and I say held og lykke to you both!!!!!

[Shaden]

You sound like you have a great relationship. However I think one of the best things you can do is remain friends. I know you think she's a wonderful girl. I fully expect she is. But a long-distance relationship can be an extremely taxing for a young person. I wouldn't want you to scupper your chances with her because you jumped in the deep end.

So build up the relationship and if you do that you'll have a platform to build upon when you finally move. Keeping your options open will mean you have something to do, which will stop you from going crazy over the following 5 months.

It sounds like you're in a rational state of mind which is the best state of mind to be in, in these situations. I'm sure things will work out - plus we're here to help you

[JHL]

I can relate to what you're going through - I went through exactly the same thing myself.

Ethereal is 100% right about the pedestal effect. In any relationships one spends an amount of time on the "honeymoon" phase, which is when you cannot help but contemplate the magnificence of your beloved on a glowing pedestal. After some time this wears off and they come back down to earth (sometimes with a thud).

In long-distance relationships, the honeymoon period is greatly extended and thus your feelings, desire and longing are amplified to the point that you're ready sell up every last thing you own, hop on the first plane out the country and announce yourself at her doorstep (yes, I did think of doing that! )

This makes relationships of these kinds somewhat tricky because it can distort reality a tad, as you might imagine. Having said that - 5 months is nothing, and what is the worst that can happen? For those 5 months your heart will ache with longing to be with her, she will continue being friendly, blissfully unaware of your feelings, you will begin to feel tortured by your own silence, you will strain and struggle to not blurt out your true feelings, you will drive yourself mad with "should I, shouldnt I's" ...but one way or another you will make it through the 5 months and end up in Iceland.

Nobody can predict what awaits you there - you may end up with the woman of your dreams or you may get your heart broken. In my case I ended up with my heart smashed into a zillion little pieces (some of which I'm still trying to locate), lost about 15 pounds of bodyweight through angst, and consulted a psychologist demanding anti-depressesants (he was unimpressed and declined my request). In hindsight, I learned some wonderful lessons and became a better person for it (these days, I ask politely for anti-depressants )

I'm not going to offer advice, instead I just wanted to nod in acknowledgement of what you're feeling, having been there myself and remembering the richly textured emotion of it all. Good luck, and definitely let us know how it goes!

[dreki]

Thanks for all the replies! Really appreciate it! It helped me to get it off my chest and now there's no big burning sensation in my heart. It really comes in waves! Hehe... I just gotta take it cool and see what happens in five months.

(Actually it is two she's (both "out" hehe) and yeah, Icelanders learn Danish in school although Danish people aren't aware of it. We spoke English cause even though they learn Danish in school for many years there are no people to practise with.
And Toronto sounds cold, but would love to go there sometimes! )

JHL - I am sorry you got heartbroken, but it's good that you're taking a positive approach to it. We need to learn from what happens to us!

[zpivat]

Originally Posted by dreki

(Actually it is two she's (both "out" hehe) and yeah, Icelanders learn Danish in school although Danish people aren't aware of it.

"Both "out""? What's that supposed to mean? ^_^

[ElizaJ]

Well, Dreki, you have piqued my curiousity and you will definitely have to keep the forum updated on the latest developments with your girl.