LONELY, depressed and just about ready to give up altogether =( (Semi-long)

[trogdor005]

I'm a 21 y/o guy w/ no close friends and never had a GF. And I am constantly depressed because of this. I am a Computer Science student right now entering my fourth and last year. I still live at home and work a PT job to cover my gas and basic expenses. I find myself in quite a predicament:

- All the people from high school are gone (moved far away, etc)
- The area of town I live in is mostly older people (30-40+)
- The area of town I live in has like no girls!!!!
- My school's population consists of mostly people in their 30's who are just coming back to school for a raise/career change/etc, there are like no girls around my age range either at this school (private college)
- I have one year of school left and about $30K in student loans looming shortly after graduation, and I don't really know where to begin looking for employment, I have like no contacts. Getting employed is SUCH an uphill battle if you are shy it's ridiculous.

I feel really bad because these are supposed to be the "best years" and yet i feel as if I am wasting them and failing MISERABLY =(

Here's my problem:

I don't want to be lonely, but at the same time I don't know where to start. I find that I have a lot of acquaintences around school, but they are mostly older people and we have little in common. I also have a REALLY hard time w/ small talk, for example if I am talking in a group I usually feel fine, but one-on-one conversation I just choke and fall apart. In most conversations w/ people other than my immediate family, I rely HEAVILY on the other person to "carry" the conversation.

When talking one-on-one, people quickly catch on to my nervousness and I know it makes them uncomfortable. This in turn makes me MORE nervous and I behave more nervously, which causes more ackwardness, sort of like a cycle. Some people have told me I'm too "serious", but really what do you expect after being alone for 5-6+ years? It gets to you, it really does, eats at you from the inside, sucks the emotions out of you.

The last time I had a geniune "I'm happy" smile on my face was probably when I was 11 y/o if you can believe that. Sad I know.

I am doing great in my program and have a new car (2007 Jeep), but I feel so empty at heart, life is so ..... empty without people. I've come to the realization that it's the PEOPLE in life that matter, not the material possessions you may have at any given time.

Any ideas? I've wasted 3 years, I got 1 year of college left, I want to make the most of it.

Oh and ... thank you for reading this, I needed to get this off my chest

[Johnny Skosnik]

Yes, you do sound depressed. You're in college? Take advantage of the free counseling they offer, and tell a therapist what you just told us.

[shavenraver]

Ah mate, you haven't wasted anything. You're making steps. You've identified you're not happy and you're seeing what you can do about it

What you need is the courage to actually do something about it. So, your fist thing should be about developing your confidence. Many books on the subject - i really got on with Paul McKenna's hypnosis book "Change your life in 7 days" (it'll take longer than 7 though)

This website is a great resouce

Don't worry about the talking to girls bit yet. But if you did want a book recommendation there I'd say "How to talk to women' by Ron Louis and David Copeland. It dispences with crap sayings like "just be yourself" - I found it really refreshing. Actually I think a lot of what they say has relevance with talking to a lot of people.

Still, confidence is a seperate issue. It is something that can be practiced and built upon slowly, so don't be scared to develop your confidence

It won't hurt to speak to some counsellors though - that is good advice

[Minimabs]

Are there any clubs that you would interested in joining that are linked to the college?

Loneliness is tough - you can think you are the only one on the planet feeling these feelings but when you start to reach out and get honest with others - you'd be surprise how many others feel the same or similar.

Take one step at a time - take the focus off the ladies and just begin by relaxing into friendships - with both sexes - that really can take the pressure off of you. You sound like you are putting a hell of a lot of pressure on yourself - no need to at all.

People like other people who are interested in them - folk like to talk about themselves in the main - sharing stuff, giving advice, swapping ideas etc. Why not have a "practiced" set of questions in your head when you meet new folk - just light and casual questions or comments.

You get lots of "best years" in your life - you can choose when you take them! For some it's college or school years, others it may be having children, or early marriage years etc - and for others the whole of their lives are the best years!! Truly you are not set for a downhill struggle once your college years are over - you get to make it as pleasurable or as terrible as you want it to be!

Mabs

[brendannz]

I think the whole university / college life = the best life, is a bit of a myth myself. I was much happier after uni..

The mistake I made in my younger days, was I put too much emphasis on getting the piece of paper, and not enough on the joy of learning and being in the moment. Basically I got duped by society thinking the piece of paper would be the gateway to everywhere, that you get the right job, never have to work in McJobs again, have everything paved your way.. and so I didn't do enough planning for my career.

I think the best thing for you to do instead of saying "I'm wasting the best years of my life" you should be trying to enjoy these years while you have them, and look at creating the awesome future you deserve. Start imagining yourself in the job that would have you excited about getting out of bed in the morning. Brainstorm ways to make new friends, meet new girls etc. I'd also recommend Paul McKennas book.

You have a lot of future ahead of you, start being excited about it!

[Ezekiel2517]

You sound like you're in the exact predicament that I was in. I was extremely shy and never had a relationship all through school, and then college, and then university! Even now, I've left university and am nearly 30 - I still haven't had a relationship! That probably dosen't sound very encouraging, but anyway...

One thing that completely saved my life was spirituality (and I don't mean religion!). I am now at the point where I don't really care if I ever have a relationship, and it's actually a very good place to be (don't get me wrong, a relationship would be nice, but I'm not so hung-up about it anymore). For one thing, it's great to be free from the 'curse' of needing someone to make me happy. Also, because I don't really want a relationship that badly, I'm more likely to give off the right 'vibes' to attract and keep someone. Furthermore, if I did have a relationship and the woman broke up with me, I'm pretty sure I could deal with it without getting suicidal - because I was happy on my own in the first place. So I would definately reccommend that maybe you look in this kind of direction. One book that is an absolute classic in this area is 'The Power of Now' by Eckhart Tolle. Another great book by Tolle is 'A New Earth'. Also, maybe read some books by Timothy Leary, who has great insights on consciousness. Finally, check out stuff like Reiki and Zen Meditation. Essentially, the point I'm trying to make is that exploration of the 'spiritual' is the answer to all your problems.

The whole "youth is the best time of our lives" thing is a complete myth. Perhaps for the lucky few, youth is a wonderful, heavenly time, but for me it was a total nightmare, and I know it's that way for the majority of people. In my life there is a definite trend for things to get better as I get older. The slogan 'life begins at forty' might well turn out to be true!

Finally, with regard to actually getting and keeping a relationship, I would reccommend you check out the seduction community. These guys have got a very bad name: many claim that they're just teaching guys to take advantage of women; many would claim that the whole thing is just a con. Personally, I would say that these seduction community guys are the real deal and that they really do know how to succeed with women. A lot of the material is very expensive though, but you can find a lot of free resources if you search the net.

Yes, I know you're thinking 'if the info they give is so good, then why am I still single'? Well it's because I still have major blocks in this area. But I am a million times more confident in this area than I used to be, and it's all thanks to this material. You see, before I read this material, I used to think I was so hideous that no woman could ever want me, but now I see that women are interested in me all the time, but I'm just too shy to do anything about it! I would say this goes for you and 99% of guys who have no luck with women. Women are flirting with you, and giving you come-ons all the time, but you're so wrapped up in feelings of unworthiness that you never see.

Best Wishes,

Ezekiel

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by Ezekiel2517

Finally, with regard to actually getting and keeping a relationship, I would reccommend you check out the seduction community. These guys have got a very bad name: many claim that they're just teaching guys to take advantage of women; many would claim that the whole thing is just a con. Personally, I would say that these seduction community guys are the real deal and that they really do know how to succeed with women. A lot of the material is very expensive though, but you can find a lot of free resources if you search the net.

I'd say look at the seduction community for your own awareness, but don't live by it religiously, because when people over-analyze and calculate everything it can get a bit weird..

[Gracestars]

In regards to how to manage a one-to-one convo, the saying "fake it 'till you make it" might be a good headspace to have to begin with. Try to put less importance on making friends or being successful at it, and just try to have fun with it instead. Pretend you're an actor in a film and you're dangerously charming! And remember... conversation is really pretty simple. People, at the end of the day, like to talk about themselves - that's the number one rule! Ask questions about the other person and go from there. The plus side of this is that you take the emphasis off of yourself - what a pressure lifter?! What should you ask them? Anything, it doesn't matter! Just do it with a smile on your face. "what do you do for a living?" "what do you study?" "how do you find uni?" "have you seen such and such a movie?" ...these all work fine, and provide a springboard for more spontaneous conversation. Tell them what you think and feel about these topics - don't be too guarded. And remember that flattery always works too and is a great icebreaker - "awesome shoes, man, where did you get them from?" Be yourself, trust yourself, and so will others.