Problems keeping real life and internet life separate

[Rockchick26]

I was wondering if anyone else has ever had this problem. Basically, I want to keep my online life seperate from my real life, mostly because the people I talk to online I feel I am closer to in a lot of ways, and it's the only place I can find like-minded people, and people who accept me. Out of all my real life friends (and family) there are only about 2 people who know everything about me and accept me. Online, they ALL do. I guess you could say there are things about me I don't want my real life friends and family to know (what religion I am, some of my hobbies, beliefs, and thoughts about certain things). Believe me, i'm MUCH better off keeping these things from people, I'm usually walking on eggshells around them so as not to cause any arguments.

Well, I have about 30 online friends that are on Facebook, I joined it because of those people. Well, on Facebook you have to use your real name, so now, my real life friends and family members are finding me on there!! I have family members seeing stuff I say on there and talking to other family members about it!! I have real life friends who become offended at some of the things I say, saying stuff like "I can't believe how you are on there!!" or "That isn't really you, why do you say stuff like that?" The truth is, they want me to be how they want me to be, and they can't accept me, which is most of the reason why I have to have online friends because they accept me.

This goes beyond Facebook too, like if I do something with somebody that I met online, my real life friends have to make comments about it or belittle me for it or they get jealous and upset, saying stuff like "How well can you even know them!?" 'WAY better than you know me', I want to say.

One time a real life friend found a post I made where I was asking for advice about a situation involving them, and it caused a huge fight and I even lost one of them because of it. All I was doing was posting anonymously asking for advice!

I recently was found on Facebook by some more real life people I used to hang out with, and they butt in with comments to my online friends and make me look bad! This is really making me uncomfortable having to watch what I say online when I didn't ask them to find me on there.

I don't want to get rid of Facebook because that's the main way I keep in touch with all my online friends, and that isn't even all of the problem anyway. I don't even want to have to monitor what I say because that isn't right either.

Has anyone else ever had a situation similar to this? Anyone have any ideas of a way I can fix this?

[seeker5]

You have total control over your facebook.

You can remove your "real-life" friends from facebook that don't support you and who are mean to you and your online friends.

Alternatively, you can setup a second facebook account for your real life friends that is public (all you need is to use another email address you can get at gmail), and keep your online friends facebook hidden from any searches or anyone. That way if anyone searches for you via your name, they can go to your public facebook where you can keep things tame. Then, you can give your email address of your hidden facebook for your online friends so they can find that one.

[davidchung]

Please take from my thoughts what you will, these are my gut feelings about the matter.

My feeling is that you are allowing what others think about you to influence you too much. There is no need to separate your authentic self from your 'real self'. You are who you are, and what you want to do is not to learn how to hide your true Self from those around you, but how you may best utilize your divine gifts and talents to serve them and make the world a better place to be.

Take Back Your Power from those who would deride you and try to make you think you are anything less than the beautiful, magnificent being you truly are. Nobody can ever make you feel 'less than', not unless you allow it.

I don't feel that you want to hide yourself, what I feel you should do is to find a way to express yourself so that you can live from a place of Truth and Love for those around you.

[Tanja]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

The truth is, they want me to be how they want me to be, and they can't accept me, which is most of the reason why I have to have online friends because they accept me.

As far as the technical part goes, you can do what seeker5 suggested.
However, the question that came to my mind when I read the quoted part was this: how long can you keep your 'true' self from RL? If you want to truly grow won't that reflect in your RL eventually, so you'll need to deal with their acceptance/non-acceptance sooner or later?
I understand you want to be with like-minded people and don't want to share everything with everyone, and that's okay.
You speak of walking on eggshells, I'm guessing you spend a lot of energy and focus on that, and it must be draining, why not try to reach a point where you don't need to do that?

Just my 2 cents...

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by seeker5

You have total control over your facebook.

You can remove your "real-life" friends from facebook that don't support you and who are mean to you and your online friends.

Alternatively, you can setup a second facebook account for your real life friends that is public (all you need is to use another email address you can get at gmail), and keep your online friends facebook hidden from any searches or anyone. That way if anyone searches for you via your name, they can go to your public facebook where you can keep things tame. Then, you can give your email address of your hidden facebook for your online friends so they can find that one.

You can remove people?! I didn't know you could do that! Do they find out though? I would hate for them to realize I removed them, because I see my real life friends in real life and would have to explain myself then!

I thought about having two seperate accounts, but I feel like it's too late, the damage has been done...they've all seen my profile already, and seen everything else. I guess I could create a new one just for my online friends and then have them all re-add me on the new one. I would actually quit using my real life friends one then, because I don't even want it for that purpose.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by davidchung

Please take from my thoughts what you will, these are my gut feelings about the matter.

My feeling is that you are allowing what others think about you to influence you too much. There is no need to separate your authentic self from your 'real self'. You are who you are, and what you want to do is not to learn how to hide your true Self from those around you, but how you may best utilize your divine gifts and talents to serve them and make the world a better place to be.

Take Back Your Power from those who would deride you and try to make you think you are anything less than the beautiful, magnificent being you truly are. Nobody can ever make you feel 'less than', not unless you allow it.

I don't feel that you want to hide yourself, what I feel you should do is to find a way to express yourself so that you can live from a place of Truth and Love for those around you.

Well the whole issue is that by letting my true self out, it causes problems with people who didn't know my true self before. That's probably why I have this preoccupation with wanting to be invisible, with hiding from people. Because hardly anyone in my real life has ever accepted or understood me. I know you are right in saying nobody can make me feel less than what I am, it's just energy wasting and time consuming and frustrating dealing with these people. And it only bothers me what they think because if they have problems with me then it always becomes an argument or creates a rift in our friendship, and these are all people that have known me for 10 years or more, so it's just really hard, it isn't like people I barely care about who I haven't known long.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

You can remove people?! I didn't know you could do that! Do they find out though? I would hate for them to realize I removed them, because I see my real life friends in real life and would have to explain myself then!

Yes you can remove friends. I'm a big fan of using that feature. Yes, they would eventually find out, and you'll have to deal with that.

Alternatively, you can limit your physical life friends access to your facebook info, status, friends list. You can do that by creating a new list of friends, and then going to your privacy section and deciding what that list of friend can access. You can decide that anyone whom you've assigned to a list will not have access to your status updates (so they just see no status update from you), or from seeing your pictures, or from seeing your list of friends, or from seeing your tagged pictures, etc. You can even create multiple lists so you can have one group of people that can't see your friends list, and another list of people you don't want to see your status updates. That solution is pretty nice to implement actually.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Tanja

As far as the technical part goes, you can do what seeker5 suggested.
However, the question that came to my mind when I read the quoted part was this: how long can you keep your 'true' self from RL? If you want to truly grow won't that reflect in your RL eventually, so you'll need to deal with their acceptance/non-acceptance sooner or later?
I understand you want to be with like-minded people and don't want to share everything with everyone, and that's okay.
You speak of walking on eggshells, I'm guessing you spend a lot of energy and focus on that, and it must be draining, why not try to reach a point where you don't need to do that?

Just my 2 cents...

I don't know how to take the next step though, without causing fights or problems. For example, I don't want my family and friends to know that I'm not a Christian anymore (I'm Wiccan), this would honestly probably make 90% of them disown me or quit talking to me. That isn't really my goal, I mean I still need my real life friends because I have known them half my life and I still need people to do things with.

I also have "tested" a few of them with how they would react regarding certain things, and each time it happens I am damn glad I didn't keep going with it because even that little bit almost caused a problem. I'm actually worried about losing 2 of my friends because every time we talk, I open up a little more about my opinions and they are ALWAYS the opposite of theirs and they is starting to think I'm doing it just to push them away, which i'm not, I can't help it we're so different! So then I revert back to being my "old" self. Most of this is because I've been so into personal development that I'm changing so much, I've changed massively over the last 2-4 years, and the result of that is this distance I'm feeling between me and these people in my life. It's just like how Steve has said, when you raise your vibration about certain things, you will start to notice things in your current life aren't vibrating the same as you anymore.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by seeker5

Yes you can remove friends. I'm a big fan of using that feature. Yes, they would eventually find out, and you'll have to deal with that.

Alternatively, you can limit your physical life friends access to your facebook info, status, friends list. You can do that by creating a new list of friends, and then going to your privacy section and deciding what that list of friend can access. You can decide that anyone whom you've assigned to a list will not have access to your status updates (so they just see no status update from you), or from seeing your pictures, or from seeing your list of friends, or from seeing your tagged pictures, etc. You can even create multiple lists so you can have one group of people that can't see your friends list, and another list of people you don't want to see your status updates.

Oh wow, that helps a lot!! I'll check into that, because that's exactly what I need to change and then everything will be ok! Thanks for those suggestions!

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

Oh wow, that helps a lot!! I'll check into that, because that's exactly what I need to change and then everything will be ok! Thanks for those suggestions!

You're welcome

[davidchung]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

Well the whole issue is that by letting my true self out, it causes problems with people who didn't know my true self before. That's probably why I have this preoccupation with wanting to be invisible, with hiding from people. Because hardly anyone in my real life has ever accepted or understood me. I know you are right in saying nobody can make me feel less than what I am, it's just energy wasting and time consuming and frustrating dealing with these people. And it only bothers me what they think because if they have problems with me then it always becomes an argument or creates a rift in our friendship, and these are all people that have known me for 10 years or more, so it's just really hard, it isn't like people I barely care about who I haven't known long.

I understand your pain and frustration, these are valid emotions given the situation you are in.

It's easy for us to tell you to do this because these are not our acquaintances, and these are not our relationships we are putting in jeopardy, but you must ask yourself, are these YOUR relationships?

The question I pose to you is, if you exposing your True Self causes who you consider to be your friends to drift away from you, then were these people friends of your True Self, or friends of your Other Self? Is the person they have known for 10 years really you, or do they 'know' someone else?

How many more years, time, and energy are you willing to waste maintaining relationships with people who do not know, understand, or accept who you really are?

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by davidchung

I understand your pain and frustration, these are valid emotions given the situation you are in.

It's easy for us to tell you to do this because these are not our acquaintances, and these are not our relationships we are putting in jeopardy, but you must ask yourself, are these YOUR relationships?

The question I pose to you is, if you exposing your True Self causes who you consider to be your friends to drift away from you, then were these people friends of your True Self, or friends of your Other Self? Is the person they have known for 10 years really you, or do they 'know' someone else?

These people are friends of my other self, not my true self. Basically I have lived my life to please others and fit in. Now, I am living my life to please myself and be myself, which is causing this problem. I think this must be what people feel like who are in the closet and have a hard time coming out to everyone who knows them, so they go and build a secret life where their new friends can know who they really are.

How many more years, time, and energy are you willing to waste maintaining relationships with people who do not know, understand, or accept who you really are?

Well, I want to move away and start a new life and then I won't have to "end" these friendships, they will just end because they have no choice and then my friends can't blame me for changing or dropping them. I guess I just feel like I want to escape so I can become myself comfortably. I don't want to be the bad person here, who became "too good" for my friends. I don't feel like I'm better, I just can't relate to them and they aren't in the same vibration as me, but of course people always blame you, they can't think open mindedly and non-judgementally about it, which sucks.

[Rockchick26]

I have to add, I just messed around with my Facebook settings, and I put all my real life friends in a list and I made it so none of them can see certain things, but now OTHER friends can't see those things either and I don't know why because they're not on the blocked list! So it's all screwed up. I gotta get to bed, I'll try to fix this tomorrow.

[freddy]

I had a similar situation. At some point, your real life friends will figure out you have dropped them off as face book contact, and will call you on it, And at that point you'll have to deal with the tension that is sure to come. As you change and grow, some people are so closed minded to your new ideas, especially on religious subjects, and will not see things your way. They will think your thoughts are foolish and try and convince you that you are all wrong. I dropped contact with some family members, To this day some 12 years latter I have no idea if they are still alive. I would think it would be similar to admitting your gay to family. Some will accept you for who you are, and some will not.
To use a old preacher favorite Christian bible verse that was use in my old church days,and hammered into my head.
You’re neither hot or cold, but luke warm, and God will spit you out of the kingdom. So in other words, pick a side Rockchick. Good luck

[Brutha]

I don't know how to take the next step though, without causing fights or problems. [...]
These people are friends of my other self, not my true self. Basically I have lived my life to please others and fit in. Now, I am living my life to please myself and be myself, which is causing this problem.

How long do you want to go around hiding your true self from people in real life?
One year?
Two years?
Five years?

I think we both know that you will sooner or later show your real face in your real life.

[Tanja]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

I don't know how to take the next step though, without causing fights or problems. That isn't really my goal, I mean I still need my real life friends because I have known them half my life and I still need people to do things with.

If you could move, would you move somewhere where your ''online'' friends live? The reason I'm asking is what if you moved somewhere and you didn't find like-minded people right away, would you go back to ''hiding'' what you truly think again?

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

Well, I want to move away and start a new life
I guess I just feel like I want to escape so I can become myself comfortably.

So, you'd like to change but in a way that your real life friends don't think you've changed
I understand the need to wipe the slate clean, and if you feel moving away would be good for you, than I hope you do that. However, don't forget that we take our ''issues' with us, no matter where we go, they just resurface in other situations.
That's not to say moving isn't fun in itself, getting to know new people, places and experiences etc.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Brutha

How long do you want to go around hiding your true self from people in real life?
One year?
Two years?
Five years?

I think we both know that you will sooner or later show your real face in your real life.

Well I WISH I didn't have to hide my true self, but if I don't then I'll probably lose everyone. I'm not saying I want that to happen, either.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Tanja

If you could move, would you move somewhere where your ''online'' friends live? The reason I'm asking is what if you moved somewhere and you didn't find like-minded people right away, would you go back to ''hiding'' what you truly think again?

Well it isn't so much that I have to hide myself from people who aren't like me, I have to hide myself from people who KNOW me, who aren't like me. I don't care if I meet a bunch of people who aren't like-minded because I will have nothing to lose if I upset them. But yes I would move someplace where I already know someone (from online). I actually want to travel the country and not stay anywhere very long. I know people all over the country though.

So, you'd like to change but in a way that your real life friends don't think you've changed
I understand the need to wipe the slate clean, and if you feel moving away would be good for you, than I hope you do that. However, don't forget that we take our ''issues' with us, no matter where we go, they just resurface in other situations.
That's not to say moving isn't fun in itself, getting to know new people, places and experiences etc.

I am not calling these "issues" though...they're just my beliefs, feelings, thoughts, and desires that don't mesh with my real life friends and family. This problem CAN'T resurface anywhere else because i'm only having this problem because of people that I grew up with or have known for years. If I move somewhere else and meet people who can't accept me, I have no ties to them and I could easily keep moving and find different friends.

[davidchung]

I think this is a case where you really should 'Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway'.

Right now all speculation about what will happen if you 'come out of the closet' is just that - speculation. You have no way of knowing what the end result will be unless you do it.

I also think you're being unfair to people you would like to call your friends if you do not allow them to get to know who you really are. If you love them, you should give them a chance to love YOU, not some alternate self you created to please everyone.

Your relationships do NOT have to end, but they may need to grow, evolve, and change. Then if they aren't willing to accept who you are, then they weren't good friends in the first place, and you can let them go in order to create the space in your life to attract REAL friends.

[Rockchick26]

Yeah David you're right, I shouldn't let my fear stand in the way...it's just so hard. I'm a pretty fearful person anyway and I have lots of anxiety so it isn't easy for me to change how I've been for the last, well, my whole life really.

With some of my friends though, I would say i'm 99% sure it would drastically ruin our friendships, and my dad and I would have a huge falling out too. These are types of people who want everyone to be as much like them as possible, I think if they knew my "secrets" and had a chance to go back in time to before they knew, they would, just to make things "ok" again.

[brendannz]

I used to have this problem with DeviantArt, because you don't have to show a face, sometimes you type a bit more freely and sometimes write random personal things online, and then when I show family and friends my art site they see.

With me, it's the other way around I have 156 friends and about 10 of them are internet based and the others are real life based. I'd rather keep facebook for real life friends mainly, but if an internet friend adds me, I accept..

But anyway, the short term solution is get another facebook profile with your online persona, and have one for your real life friends and family.

But I suspect the real problem lies in your anxiety. Inability to be your real self in person, and so developing intimate online friends to make up for this. It's good to be aware of the fact that you're being different online to with your real life friends, and work on facing your anxiety in the real world. Nothing wrong with having internet friends who you can be open with, but it's good to have a good balance, and not use internet friends to hide from the real world with.

For me, it's like Internet friends you type a bit more randomly and don't mind if others judge you, then there's your real life friends, you can let loose and swear with but still don't want to reveal your weaknesses, then there's workmates, who you despise but pretend to like, (I actually don't have any workmates, but used that as an example) and then there's family who you love but have to be on your best behavior with.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by Brutha

How long do you want to go around hiding your true self from people in real life?
One year?
Two years?
Five years?

I think we both know that you will sooner or later show your real face in your real life.

Come'on Brutha. Can't do everything at once here. First she has to find her true self and her online friends are helping her. Once she gets comfortable with knowing who she is I bet it will eventually filter into her real life. One step at a time.

[brendannz]

Another thing I'd add..

You say you're a scared person with anxiety and worried how your real life friends would react to your issues. You might find they'll be more forgiving/accepting than you'd think. People usually mean well.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by seeker5

Come'on Brutha. Can't do everything at once here. First she has to find her true self and her online friends are helping her. Once she gets comfortable with knowing who she is I bet it will eventually filter into her real life. One step at a time.

I feel like i'm very comfortable with knowing who I am, I just know that people in my real life are the complete opposite of that, and since I've known them either my whole life or most of it, it's just like a constant abrasion dealing with them, and that's without me even totally being myself! I usually let it out a little bit and it always causes problems so then, me being a peacemaker, I always let it go and revert back to the same thing so I'm pleasant to be around.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by brendannz

Another thing I'd add..

You say you're a scared person with anxiety and worried how your real life friends would react to your issues. You might find they'll be more forgiving/accepting than you'd think. People usually mean well.

Well whenever I even halfway let these parts of me out, their reaction is horrible, so I'd hate to see if I totally let them have it! Like I said in my last post, I do let my true self out enough to guage their reaction and it always causes problems. This is how I know I have these problems with these people because it's already happened. It doesn't even matter if it's something trivial like my taste in movies or something deeper like religion. Either way, I'm always "wrong" or "going against them" and it's always my fault!

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

It doesn't even matter if it's something trivial like my taste in movies or something deeper like religion. Either way, I'm always "wrong" or "going against them" and it's always my fault!

If you have no commonalities maybe you need to find new people?

[Brutha]

Well I WISH I didn't have to hide my true self, but if I don't then I'll probably lose everyone. I'm not saying I want that to happen, either.

If you have to hide your true self when you are interacting with those people, those aren't real connections anyway.

I usually let it out a little bit and it always causes problems so then, me being a peacemaker, I always let it go and revert back to the same thing so I'm pleasant to be around.

Sooner or later you will make a decision to face those conflicts and play them out.

Yes, you will lose some people in the process, but you never had a real connection with them anyway.

Once she gets comfortable with knowing who she is I bet it will eventually filter into her real life.

You can't really truly be comfortable with knowing who you are without other people seeing yourself that way in their eyes.
Online contact is so substitute for real connections.

Well whenever I even halfway let these parts of me out, their reaction is horrible, so I'd hate to see if I totally let them have it!

It's not really something that works if you are on the defensive.
If you are on the defensive will trying to reveal a bit about yourself you fail.
You actually have to be one the offense and stand up for being yourself.

As long as you let the people around you get away with not accepting your true self, they will.

[Tanja]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

I don't care if I meet a bunch of people who aren't like-minded because I will have nothing to lose if I upset them. But yes I would move someplace where I already know someone (from online). I actually want to travel the country and not stay anywhere very long. I know people all over the country though.

Originally Posted by brendannz

If you have no commonalities maybe you need to find new people?

I was about to suggest this as well.
You said you didn't want to alienate your current friends because you still needed people to do stuff with. I don't know where you live but do you think you would be able to find like-minded people in your current town? If it's a smaller town, are you afraid of being ''labelled' as different so you think you wouldn't be able to find new friends?

When you say that your online friends accept you, does that mean they always agree with you?

How you plan to deal with this situation is, of course, only your choice and decision, but try fast forwarding 2/3 years, if you don't change this situation, how will you feel?

[Parthon]

Hey RC.

In the past two years I've seen you gain confidence, take actions and general go out there and kick butt. This is the consequence of that. Your true self is bursting forth in a celebration of who you are, and it's starting to shake up your life. The only problem is that you can't cut it down again, without losing all that you've gained so far.

Look back on yourself from 2 years ago, and ask if you really want to be that person again. I very doubt you do. Given that, it's time to start causing some problems. The funny thing is that you don't have to do anything.

As for it being your fault. Of course it is. But that's a good thing. If you weren't being blamed for anything, then it means you aren't living. If your pushy family and 'friends' are complaining that they can't fit you in their neat little box anymore, then of course it's your fault. But you don't have to do anything. It's not you with the problem. You only have to do what you have to do, and you can leave everything else up to everyone else to deal with. They will all get over it eventually. The only question is whether they will still be in your life or not.

This whole thing is really inevitable, and that's what's awesome. I'd say, start dealing with the fallout, instead of just the issue at hand. Use your new courage to deal with what you can, and let the expression of your true self just come naturally. Eventually people you know will like the new, more awesome you. Even if it doesn't seem like it, your parents will be happier when you are happier, they just have very very strange ways of showing it.

[wolfgang]

This probably isn't just because of facebook or real life/online contacts.

You may be a people pleaser - in need of presenting a facade just to please others. This is tantamount to letting others control you. If others don't want to deal with because you aren't Christian - and then you pretend to be Christian you are letting them control you and letting them dictate what you think and do. If they don't see through your facade - they are not very keen or you are really good and hiding your likes/dislikes or your rigid "need to have" beliefs.

I think also you are making too big an issue of it because you might be a people pleaser. You may be imagining everyone will disown you or not want to deal with you or something because you might have your own opinion. This could be projection of a belief that people are fundamentally judgmental. Instead you bend your opinion in response to this belief that others are judgmental. Maybe they are - but so what? That is them not you.

So if you are wiccan and your family doesn't get it, there are ways to work that out. One was is like you are doing - pretend to be Christian and suffer and hide. The other is to just connect with something else other than religion. Why the need to be the same religion? Surely that's not all there is that lets you relate to people.

Anyway, I relate. I'm a people pleaser from my childhood. I think of it as going with the flow - but sometimes I don't even know who I am other than what everyone else around me wants from me. Ironically, I more often find people are more able to connect with me when I don't try to guess what will please them or try to be like them and am able to say what I think. They actually enjoy me more that way then just bending to their wishes of me being a certain way for them. They know where I'm coming from and I'm not being fake. Otherwise it's like pretending to be something I'm not and it's doesn't feel like a connection, to me. Even the approval from them in that way is based on a lie and doesn't actually please people - they kind of feel that I'm being fake and either dismiss me for being fake or pull up their facade to be agreeable too. And then, also, I get people totally pissed off at me for not being real - it can really backfire being a people pleaser. It can be really annoying to someone else if you always agree with someone else.