Polyamoury? ?

[Stray]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

How do polyamorous people actually find willing partners, i.e. those who are willing to have this kind of relationship with you? Do you end up getting rejected a lot, or do you have a way of pre-screening people like via some polyamorous dating site?

Do you end up with partners who are polyamorous too, or are they normally monogamous towards you?

It seems like there would be a significant social bias against this lifestyle that could make it hard to find like-minded partners.

I know there's at least one polyamorous dating site, PolyMatchMaker, but I've never used it. I met one of my partners through a regular dating site (I think it used to be called Emode, but it's been through a few name changes since then) and one through OkCupid, which I've found to be pretty poly-friendly. My other current one I met in one of my college classes. Other past partners have been online or meatspace friends, usually. There are often local poly groups for discussion, education, and community outreach, and though they usually emphasize that they do not exist as a member dating service, of course they're a good way to meet like-minded people, and it's certainly possible to meet someone you hit it off with. (Steve, a cursory search revealed a Yahoo group called PolyVegas and a Las Vegas Polyamory group on Meetup.com, if you're interested.) I've also found that alternative sexuality communities, such as queer or BDSM groups, often have a higher percentage of polyamorous or at least poly-friendly people than the general population (the reverse is also true, for that matter--more GLBTs and kinksters in the poly community than average); I have a hypothesis that once you've confronted one major point of "unusualness" in your sexuality, further ones become easier to accept. Also, it's my perception that people who enjoy exploring alternative realities are more likely to be poly or poly-friendly. This can take the form of historical re-enactment, sci-fi/fantasy fandom, role-playing games, or what have you. I don't know why this is, maybe it just indicates a certain mental flexibility or open-mindedness to alternative worldviews, but the trend is definitely there.

As for rejection, yeah, it happens a fair bit. I'm always very up-front about my existing relationships and the amount of time I have available for anyone new, and the people worth getting to know better have never had a problem with it. (Hee hee...I don't just have a harem, I have a harem with a waiting list. The hilarity of that never fails to slay me.) In the past few years I haven't been actively seeking anyone to date, but every so often someone will find me, and if I keep myself open to exploring the possibilities that come along, it nearly always goes well. Of course there's a social bias against polyamory, but I think if you keep a certain mindset and know a few good places to look, it won't trouble you too much.

Two of my three current partners already self-identified as poly when we got together and were dating other people, the third one had just heard of polyamory a short while before he saw my OkCupid profile and decided to message me, but it happens he was at exactly the right point in his life to start learning about it--nice bit of synchronicity. He was monogamous with me for the first few months, but just started dating someone else about a month ago. I prefer to date people who are already poly-identified to start with, I just find it easier if we have some shared experience to go on, and expectations usually match up better. Plus I have a finite amount of patience for being someone's training wheels And I like for my partners to be dating other people as well. I find I'm slightly uncomfortable with being somebody's sole source of attention/affection/sex/etc., I sort of feel like it puts pressure on me somehow. I'm still sorting that out. I'm also very low-needs and low-maintenance, so it's nice if my partner's need for romantic quality time exceeds mine, they can get it met elsewhere. Also, since I'm a computer programmer and that means an occasional month of 80-hour work weeks when a big project is near deadline, it's nice for them to be able to just spend more time with their others while I'm taken up with that, and I don't feel guilty for neglecting them. (Plus my abuse and bad-temperedness during that time can be distributed amongst them, instead of all of it landing on one person )

[Dr Gonzo]

Originally Posted by JHL

Hi there Gonzo, you mention that you hated monogamy and the possessiveness that accompanied it. What do you mean by this?

I mean this:

How does it negatively affect one partner, if the other is seeing someone else in the time they spend apart? As long as each relationship is not allowed to interfere negatively with the other (which is a subject in itself), there should be no reason anyone would care who their partner was seeing when they were apart.

However, most people tend to reject this idea. I think their reasons are mainly fear based - they are about insecurity and fear of loss, living from a scarcity mentality where there's not enough love to go around, social conformity and getting their validation from other people rather than from within. None of those seem like good reasons to me.

Does it mean that you resented not being able to sleep with other women because you were in a monogamous relationship?

I wouldn't say that, because when I realised this was how I thought about relationships I changed the relationship I was in at the time. My choice to do this was eventually a major factor in the end of that relationship, but it was the right thing to do and it was going downhill anyway.

I would never get into a monogamous relationship now, not only because I couldn't sleep with other women - there have been long periods of time when I've been in an open relationship and only been seeing one person, but that's been for other reasons like not having met anyone who took my fancy recently, being too busy with other things to fit more than one person into my schedule etc.

Apart from this in what ways did monogamy restrict you, that polyamoury allows for?

I would feel trapped in a monogamous relationship, as though my partner were deriving validation from me and wanted to own me. I would not be able to respect anyone who wanted that, so they would ultimately not be a suitable long term partner for me. I would feel like they hadn't overcome their jealousy issues, which I think is something anyone is able to do and is a big step forward in growing as a person. I would ultimately feel that they had more interest in getting something from me than in my happiness.

Are the women you form polyamorous relationships with allowed to simultaneously have other male sexual partners besides you?

Absolutely. I positively encourage it, and feel a glow of satisfaction and happiness when they have a great time screwing someone else. This comes back to what I said above about giving rather than getting - I want them to experience all the joy, love, excitement and adventure life has to offer.

Gonzo

[Dr Gonzo]

Originally Posted by Stray

I find I'm slightly uncomfortable with being somebody's sole source of attention/affection/sex/etc., I sort of feel like it puts pressure on me somehow. I'm still sorting that out.

Stray,

I feel the same. I'm curious to know your thoughts on this, and what you think is the underlying reason for preferring this.

Gonzo

[JHL]

@ Gonzo

Thanks for responding to my questions. You've given me some insight into why someone might choose this route, which, frankly, horrified me when I first read of it.

Its still not something I would ever choose, though my reaction to it is a lot more understanding now, than it was a few days ago!

I understand your and Steve's reasoning behind much of it - and while I cant say I agree with it all, I also must concede that I dont think I could properly understand because I'm simply not designed to be able to share the person I love in an intimate way.

I think the beauty about a monogamous relationship is that - in spite of all the other choices out there - I choose to remain faithful to my love, and she to me. Each of us feels fully alive with just each other.

I guess those with a preference for polyamorous relationships dont feel that same sense of contentment with just one partner, and require something more. Which is fair enough.

[Stray]

For whatever it's worth, I don't believe that monogamy is in any way wrong or unnatural, or that I'm better or more enlightened than a monogamous person, or anything like that. My pet theory is that people have a relationship orientation, same as they have a sexual orientation, and that these things are completely independent of each other. Some people are predisposed towards monogamy, some towards poly, maybe there are some people who could be happy in either situation depending on the circumstances. I totally understand what you say about you and your partner choosing to be only with each other despite all the other options/temptations out there, JHL, and I totally respect that. I just think people should closely examine and question the assumptions underlying their approach to their relationships, and be sure that they're doing what they're doing because it really is what works best for them, and not just because it's the model they inherited from their parents/society/whoever and it never occurred to them to examine it and consider other options.

[Dan.Linehan]

Well put Stray.. I think you've hit the nail on the head.

[Angela]

Well, Gonzo, you and I have very different ideas about the role of manipulation and judgment in all of our relationships, as well as a vastly different preference for the shape they take.

I'm very grateful that Danger Man and I have built a mutually empowering, joyful, loving and free team of two that we both treasure. And it sounds like you have plenty of personal power to create the menages a' manipulation that satisfy and fulfill you. Also it sound like there are enough folks out there who are either into polyamoury or might be open to it that you have a good pool to fish from. To each our own! I wish you everything you want.

Love,
Angela

[munish]

The act of sex ,you safeguard ;you indulge yourself in marriage,thereby making your wife into a prostitute which is all apparently very respectable.

[Dr Gonzo]

Originally Posted by Angela

To each our own! I wish you everything you want.

Love,
Angela

Thankyou. I wish you the same.

Gonzo

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by Stray

I don't believe that monogamy is in any way wrong or unnatural

FWIW, I believe instances of monogamy in the animal world are called "mate-guarding".

[Stray]

I suppose I should qualify that by saying "unnatural for humans." I don't know a lot about mating patterns in the animal kingdom, except that with the advent of DNA testing we're finding out that monogamy is much less commonplace than previously thought. I'm sure every species has evolved a system that works well enough for it, and humans are no different.