Is it ok for a 28 Year Old Male to date 18-28 year old Females?

[PhoenixFlames]

Hi guys and gals

Ok you've read the subject title- but before you jump to conclusions I need some serious opinions on the subject once you've read my background.

I am indeed a 28 year old Male, however I have never been in an relationship with a female ever (especially if you've read my "Contextualised relationships" thread).

However now I am ready to "take the plunge" and start regularly seeing females on a regular basis either as girl/friends. Or by being in a relationship with a single female- whilst befriending her Social Circle.

From thew last 2 years of going out I noticed that I have been Attracting a lot of girls in the 18-25 year old bracket, gotten Phone Numbers, have met girls afterwards. But- been holding out on dates or trying to sleep with them.

The reason I have never been in a relationship before is simple (and this has been backed up by 3 Psychologists/Counsellors and an NLP expert I met once when discussing theories of Parenting, Peer Groups, Friendships and Relationships.)

As my father was in the Royal Air Force as a ground technician I was moved around different parts of the country no less than 3 different times in, what I consider to be, the "key years" of my development aged between 14 and 17 years old, when to two different schools.
I spent between ages 5-13 in a town which wasn't where my family was originally from, so I had no Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents and Cousins to visit as they were hundreds of miles away. In this time my parents argued A LOT, constantly rowing, smashing plates.
Then between ages 14-16 I was moved hundred of miles away to effectively start my first day of High School all over again. In this time whilst I was intially bullied I managed to fit in, developed a killer sense of dry humour and even attracted the attention of girls (but was never brave enough to make a move or be encouraged by a father figure to make a move). My mother was extremely intrusive and consntatly interogated every girl I brought home (unfortunetly I never rowed with my Mum at a time when I should've been). Instead I would just lie to her or block her Investigation by saying No to every question.
Ironically just as girls were getting used to me (I'd had my first kisses) and some girls were admitting they liked me and were considering "going further"..................

...........................I was moved hundreds of Miles again to a new Town (where I currently live). I joined College to do a 3 year study in Media Studies (a drop out course if you ask me). To my horror not only was it a small class size but it had next to no "dateable" women on it- all had self esteem problems or were just plain unattractive- so I learnt nothing about girls (I was expecting Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll as well as finding myself at College).
Also with constant moving I didn't develop any healthy Social Skills, didn't recognise Social Subleties of Dating and I had no real advice on how to Approach Girls I didn't know and overall I never developed a Core Indentity of Beliefs, Self Belief or Male Musculinity.

NOW. Before I give you the rest of my life story- what I am try to say is I missed out on the core years of my life.
Through picking up a book on Self Improvement, seeking Counselling, studying NLP, PUA and meeting a greeting random people whilst out and about or being in Social Gatherings I did manage to lose my Virginity, have had numerous encounters with women, and passionately kissed and dirty danced well over 200 women in various Nightclubs.

By investing in myself over the years via taking care of my Health, Finances, Appearance, learning about Sexual Psychology and Evolutionary Biology- listening to people who have recognised my willingness to learn have also chipped in and given some serious insider knowledge of How to date members of the opposite sex (and its not stereotypical or patronising fluff talk).

So now you've read what I have to say what are you opinions?

PS- none of this "Younger girls go for older men as they are more mature, more experienced" (I'm not experienced as such)
none of this "I should date women my own age" (I've seen guys aged 40 years old making 18 year old blondes giggle over their cocktails).

And please no one sentence answers. If any guy has revisited his (Missed) Youth either aged 25 years or even older I'm sure it would be constructive.

As this section is about "Alternative Relationships" lets all chip

[cylon]

1--don't ask permission.

Your whole post is qualifying yourself to get permission to do something you already want to do. If you want it, go get it.

2--this what life is for. Being an older man with younger women.

Being older gives you an advantage, enjoy it.

Originally Posted by PhoenixFlames

And please no one sentence answers. If any guy has revisited his (Missed) Youth either aged 25 years or even older I'm sure it would be constructive.

That is not constructive. The more you dwell upon what your life used to be, the longer you will remain that person you are trying to leave behind.

[ssandra]

How about for starters stop refering to women and girls as "females".

If you are looking for a partner, you are looking for somebody who you are compatible with. A real person. Not "a female".

I would also not consious go looking for a relationship. Just start dating girls / women, and once you find the one you click with you date her exclusively for a while and after that you will have moved on to girlfriend/boyfriend stage.

There is no point what so ever to be in a relationship with someone you don´t really care about. Sure you are in a relationship and may feel that you need to be, but it will not give you the experience that you are looking for.

[CoolBee]

Date who you want, any age (over whatever the relevant age is for your society's laws - 16/18/21), as long as it is mutual attraction and not one of you in it for money / visas / free accommodation or whatever.

The only rule really is if you want kids or suspect you want kids down the road, don't date a woman over 40 without making that very clear right from day 1 (yes even on your first date! it can be in a 'long term I want to settle and have kids' kind of a way doesn't have to be heavy)

My family moved a lot too - every 2 years - during my formative years and being naturally very shy (yes really ), I didn't have a great social life. I always say I had my adolescence from age 28-35 when I lived in central London, had an easy-going job for a couple of years and partied!

[moonrambler]

Originally Posted by cylon

2--this what life is for. Being an older man with younger women.

That's what life is for?

From a woman's perspective, I don't think this type of age difference has to matter at all. 28 to 18 can be problematic because of life experience, but 28 to 22 is quite different. People mature a lot during those years.

When I was 18 I dated a guy who was 26, and at 19 I dated a guy who was 30, and another 30-year-old when I was 21. Then when I was 30 I was back in college again and I reversed the trend and dated guys who were 21 and 22. The age thing really didn't matter.

One of the best marriages I know is a close friend (a man) who in his late 30s started seeing a 21-year-old and they've been married now over 20 years, and they get along great.

[moonrambler]

Cylon. I just turned NPR on and This American Life is on. Ira Glass says "This is Mark's girlfriend at the time. She's younger than Mark. She's 21."

[cylon]

I just read that Fred Armisen (from Saturday Night Live) married Elisabeth Moss (Peggy on Mad Men). He's 42 and she's 27. Which I think is the age my parents were when they married.

It's extremely common. If I were the OP I would track down the "origins" of why society says men shouldn't date younger women.

It came from somewhere.

[moonrambler]

Originally Posted by cylon

I just read that Fred Armisen (from Saturday Night Live) married Elisabeth Moss (Peggy on Mad Men). He's 42 and she's 27. Which I think is the age my parents were when they married.

My mom was 21 when she married my dad who was 32. His brother married a woman seven years younger than he was.

It does seem like a non-issue.

[Indiana]

Wait. Society says men shouldn't date younger women?? Since when?

I thought it was far more uncommon to see a man with an older woman, that the younger man/older woman combo was far more looked down on by society.

[cylon]

Society shames men that date younger women when older women start being jealous that the younger women are getting all the older men. So men are conditioned to feel embarrassed or somehow sleazy if they go for younger women. That's how the OP knew to come up with this question in the first place. Where else would he get the notion that he actually needed permission to do so?

Older women aren't as attractive to men (on average), that's why it's rare. Unless you're Demi Moore.

[Eduard E]

My perspective: It's definitely OK. As long as you're attracted to each other and have some common ground to stand on, I think it can work as well as dating females your age.

I think that in general, there is no solid practical reason for not dating out of your age range, although some people (aka part of society) will tell you so. But that is not a practical reason, just social pressure we all confront sometimes.

[rei]

when i was 18 i dated a 26 year old. age is only an issue if we decide to make it one. if you're attracted to a girl and she happens to be younger, i'd say there's still no reason not to ask her out.

[Indiana]

Originally Posted by cylon

Society shames men that date younger women when older women start being jealous that the younger women are getting all the older men. So men are conditioned to feel embarrassed or somehow sleazy if they go for younger women. That's how the OP knew to come up with this question in the first place. Where else would he get the notion that he actually needed permission to do so?

Older women aren't as attractive to men (on average), that's why it's rare. Unless you're Demi Moore.

I'm not sure this is strictly true. Sure, very large age gaps are looked down on in any relationship (say, more than 10 years) but I think this is more to do with perceptions that the older person is likely to be at a different life stage/level of mental maturity than the younger one, and so there may be a control aspect to the relationship that could be seen as unsavoury.

On the other hand, the much-older man/younger woman combo is constantly glamorized on television and film, so society's prejudice against it can't be too strong!

I don't know where the OP got the perception that dating anyone younger than him, or even the same age, would be improper. That seems an extraordinary delusion. But based on the OP's other posts, I don't think it would be unfair to say he does not have a very intuitive grasp of social interactions.

[cylon]

Originally Posted by Indiana

but I think this is more to do with perceptions that the older person is likely to be at a different life stage/level of mental maturity than the younger one, and so there may be a control aspect to the relationship that could be seen as unsavoury.

But I highly, highly doubt that men have that attitude. Sounds like you're reinforcing when I said the belief came from women.

Who knows, some guy might respond to this thread and say that older men should not date what their physiology tells them to because that is somehow "beneath his maturity level."

I am not going to hold my breath, but it could happen.

[Indiana]

Originally Posted by cylon

But I highly, highly doubt that men have that attitude. Sounds like you're reinforcing when I said the belief came from women.

Sure, that's possible. I'd like to hear from guys!

Men, when you have a friend or colleague dating someone much younger than him, do you ever feel differently about it than if he is dating someone much the same age?

And how do you feel differently? More positively ('Gee, lucky fella!') or negatively ('Hmm, that's slightly creepy.')?

[cylon]

Originally Posted by Indiana

And how do you feel differently? More positively ('Gee, lucky fella!') or negatively ('Hmm, that's slightly creepy.')?

Don't leave out the "jealousy" part... envy disguised as disgust.

[JSB]

Date whomever you want, as long as it's legal and not destructive to yourself or someone else, and others' opinions be damned.

You may discover that there is too much of a maturity and life-experience difference for an 18 year old to keep you interested in a relationship, but there are young women out there who are emotionally mature for their age.

Why not have the experience and find out?

[JSB]

Originally Posted by Indiana

Sure, that's possible. I'd like to hear from guys!

Men, when you have a friend or colleague dating someone much younger than him, do you ever feel differently about it than if he is dating someone much the same age?

And how do you feel differently? More positively ('Gee, lucky fella!') or negatively ('Hmm, that's slightly creepy.')?

Depends on both the absolute and relative age differences, e.g. 20 years is no problem for a 35 and a 55 year old, but 16 and 36 is headed for real problems (even if 16 is legal in that particular place). As long as everything is legal and we aren't talking about child abuse, I won't judge my friend as wrong or judge the relationship as creepy, but I may worry that the couple is setting themselves up for difficulty and heartbreak.

[brendannz]

In Italy, it's not very uncommon for teachers in their late 30s to date students when they turn about 17. Jerry Seinfeld dated a 17 year old girl when he was in his late 30s.. (he's not italian sure)

I had a teacher at my high school, who was exactly the same as Seymour Skinner, (from the Simpsons) had a similar kind of chirpiness to him, and he lived with his mum, and he hooked up with a 17 year old girl, I think he taught her when she was 16 I think..

But anyway I've known of an older dude dating lots of younger girls, and he was like "Why do you have to be so childish!" apparently. Well I didn't know this guy, but I eavesdropped on some girls gossiping about him..

Anyway there is a formula for the minimum age of women you should date, half your age, then add 7, which means that you should be dating 21 and up girls, but to hell with formulas, age only means the number of times the sun has circled the earth since you've been here.. and plus time is an illusion, there's only one moment..

So go for what feels right, but if you're dating an 18 year old, her ties to her mum and dad will be stronger, she may be less independent, and she may be more about herself.

I'm 28 and if someone says they're 28, I'll be like "wow, you're so old.. ohh wait a minute, that's how old I am.. duhhh"

But if you focus on getting to know her more, and having fun.. Then you'll find out if you're compatible or not.

I think with relationships, there usually aren't boxes that fit perfectly, because it's more energy and vibes and attitude.

I think girls in mid 20s much more interesting to talk to, but every person's unique..

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by JSB

Depends on both the absolute and relative age differences, e.g. 20 years is no problem for a 35 and a 55 year old, but 16 and 36 is headed for real problems (even if 16 is legal in that particular place). As long as everything is legal and we aren't talking about child abuse, I won't judge my friend as wrong or judge the relationship as creepy, but I may worry that the couple is setting themselves up for difficulty and heartbreak.

If she's 8 and he's 18, then it's quite a big difference, but if she's 18 and he's 28 then it's quite a bit less of a difference, and if she's 28, and he's 38 it's not very much of an age difference at all.

Still Anakin Skywalker was only about 8 years old when he met the love of his life..

[cylon]

Originally Posted by brendannz

I think girls in mid 20s much more interesting to talk to, but every person's unique..

Once a girl gets to the late 20s she can start worrying about marriage and kids, the whole biological clock thing, so that's something worth considering. They can start taking relationships way more seriously than the guys they are dating would prefer.

[joyfulgrowth]

Heck, date whomever you want, share your heart, see her as a beautiful unique human being and make sure to shift perspectives once in a while (especially if your daily realities, age or background differ a lot, but also if you think you are "totally alike").

[joyfulgrowth]

Could it be that you are still pretty much living in the past?

What's alive in you today, now, when you connect with your longing to have a relationship with a woman?

(as a woman, I really like guys whose focus is on the present)

[llong]

Men:

Take your age and divide by 2 and then add 5.

[cylon]

And keep that number static for the rest of your life.

Sounds like a plan to me.

[Daffy Duck]

Originally Posted by llong

Take your age and divide by 2 and then add 5.

Watch out 17 year olds, here I come!!

[joyfulgrowth]

If you had the choice, would you prefer to live in a reality where there are simple rules for everything (like, whether it is okay to date someone who is 10 years younger), or in a reality where you just meet life as it approaches you, trying to make wise decisions that meet your needs as much as possible?

I have tried both, and while I certainly loved the ease and sense of control of the version where there were simple answers for life, the universe and everything, I wouldn't give up the second one for anything in the world.

[cylon]

Originally Posted by joyfulgrowth

or in a reality where you just meet life as it approaches you, trying to make wise decisions that meet your needs as much as possible?

I'm choosing this option.

It's a wonderful thing when you start looking to yourself for permission to live your life, not others.

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by joyfulgrowth

Could it be that you are still pretty much living in the past?

What's alive in you today, now, when you connect with your longing to have a relationship with a woman?

(as a woman, I really like guys whose focus is on the present)

I think this could be the case for the OP,

I think it sounds a bit like he's trying to make up for a missed youth, or lost time in the past..

Living in the now, will make the OP more able to tell if the girl is right for him, regardless of age, and will also make him happier and more attractive.

PhoenixFlames, have you read the Power of Now by Echart Tolle? Or if you're too busy to read a new book, at least read Steve Pavlina's article on the power of now.

[joelr]

For a year I dated someone 17 yrs younger, she was holding off on college and had her own place (w/roommates). We met through both being musicians.
It was fine. We had great conversations, watched movies, hung out, great sex...it was definitely my favorite partner overall. After the initial surprise the age thing became a non-issue.
I had better communication and less silly arguments with her than with partners my own age or older.

Our culture very much favors 18/19 yo women. Models at that age are the best for selling any product - food, clothing..all the classic movie stars where that age when playing some of their most romantic and sensual roles, all the mens magazines from porn to Maxim are constantly selling with "check out our new 19 yo model...".
If a 19 yo woman can be the sexual icon for a generation and every mans fantasy, all ages, then yeah you can take one to the movies.

50% of marriages and 90% of relationships end in breakups. When people warn that an age difference might lead to a break up it's pretty weak. Anything leads to a breakup. Boredom leads to a breakup. Why would someone suddenly care about someone else having a breakup? Jealousy I guess?