Am I being selfish?

[ssandra]

I am having a fight with my husband and he accuses me of being selfish... I actually think it is the other way around.. I´m looking for imput here, not to rub his nose in it, but to see if I am seeing reality or if I need to see it more from his point of view...

Small backstory...

For 1,5 years he didn´t work (not his fault, and I don´t blame him). He did most in the house and I helped every now and then
Next 1 year we both worked and divided the household choirs equally
Then I started my own company and worked from home for 6 months.. I didn´t make any money to speak of and I did most of the house work
Now...
We are moving to Mexico soon (already lots of stress so therefor the fights probably..)
I arranged most of the moving. He helped friday night and saturday morning and midday. I did all the heavy moving myself.
I have also been running around town getting everything arranged for this move.

Yesterday I have been out all day doing stuff, arranging stuff etc. Today I had to stay home because we had to wait for the company to pick up our stuff. All the same I did the dishes and vacuumed.

Tomorrow there are several errands to run... I suggested that I would do them so he can sleep in (he took that day off). In the evening we have to take a train so the next day we can be at the airport.
I am asking him if in the afternoon he can clean he house we are staying (of friends) and do the dishes.
In the mean time I do the laundry (outside the house, so I have to stay there) and pack our bags. This is in the afternoon, after lunch, since in the morning I will be busy and he will be sleeping.

He now sais it is selfish of me to ask him to do anything because when we get to mexico he will have to work 2 jobs, including one with a time difference so he will be working very hard.

I am saying that I am already doing 98% of everything and will do so in Mexico as well, so that he is selfish not to want to vacuum and do the dishes tomorrow.

What is your opinion on this?

(for the rest our marriage is good, only we live in 2 different realities most of the time... I think he is selfish, he thinks I am... I think he is difficult, he thinkgs I am... but we love each other and there is no abuse going on)

[Holistic Star]

No, but he probably doesn't realise how much you do because it all gets done magically when he's not looking.

Can you sit down and have a calm discussion about who does what and see if you can come up with a good solution together.

Also, it's probably time to invest in a cleaner.

[James81]

It's hard to say.

I mean, the way you present it, it sure sounds like he's an awful cad and being extremely selfish.

But, there are two sides to every story. I wonder what his would sound like. Probably similar to yours. usually situations like this are. In which case, both parties are being bullheaded.

Here's the deal: do what you have to do and get it done. It's one situation one time. Then, set up a situation in Mexico that you both can live with.

[brendannz]

My suggestion;

1/ ask him why he believes you are being selfish

2/ tell him everything you are contributing towards the marriage

3/ find a compromise where you both work towards Mexico

[suddentwist]

Having just moved across the ocean 2 months ago (from Canada to Georgia the country, not the state), I know all about these sorts of arguments. I can assure you that most of them are because of the stress - now, 2 months into being in Tbilisi and everything is back to it's normal state. Before we left however, my boyfriend and I were having the same arguments as you.

I don't know about you, but when he would tell me I'm selfish I would jump into defensive mode and get angry. That never solved anything. As hard as it may be in the moment, take a breather and try and talk to him calmly. If I talk to my boyfriend in a calm voice he is 99% more responsive. Perhaps all men are like that?

Good luck with the move!

[The Cloud]

It seems to me that, from your perspective, you lose either way. Either your husband is selfish, or you are. Neither scenario allows you to be happy, because there is either something wrong with your husband or something wrong with you that needs to be fixed. You're giving your husband the choice of making a bad guy out of you or him, and he's choosing you. You've given yourself the same choice, and big surprise, you chose him. I doubt this is a one-time incident, either. It's probably a tacit part of your relationship that only becomes apparent under strain.

I don't know what your solution to this could or should be. I only know that there is no way for you to win if you make this about who's right and who's wrong. Whether or not your husband is being selfish, so are you, and the fact that he might be worse than you does not negate that. You have to admit your wrongs, at least to yourself, before there can be any lasting peace. I bet your relationship will go a lot smoother once you stop trying beat your husband at being a good person.

[ssandra]

Hi all,

thank you so much for your answers.

In the end we settled on me saying that it is ok I would do everything (without any resentment or bad feelings, or expectations that he would do anything) and him doing everything (and then some) that I wanted him to do...

I appologized for being angry and sort of screaming to him, and he admitted that he knows that sometimes he can be an *ss (which is as close to appologizing as I can expect from him, which is ok with me).

We do have this settled in Mexico, since we will have a maid to do most of the work, and until I find a job I will do the rest. Once I have a job, we will have a maid for everything

Our main problem is that we see our relationship from 2 different view points because we have different things that we find important. It happened a lot of times that we were having a heated argument (not a fight) and that in the end it turns out we both agree and are trying to argue the same thing. We just have 2 very different styles of communication.

This is ok, because we are both aware of it, and although it leads to misunderstandings, it does not break anything or hurts us in our relationship.

I wrote this when I was angry, and it helped to clear my head... I mainly wanted to know if I had a complete blindspot here that I wasn´t aware of. Which I now see that it doesnt really matter... him being wrong or me being wrong is wrong either way
I´ll just settle for both of us being right

[Betrade]

ASK him to consider getting up early to do the work so it's done and over with early; and if he really needs that much sleep, to take a nap later. If he's agreeable to that; problem solved.

It seems like a petty argument on the surface, but it's those very type of unresolved disagreements that can lead to resentments and ultimately, bad outcomes.

Communicate, maybe stop doing 98% of everything; but gradually; not all at once; or he'll just think you're being vindictive; trust me on that, I'm a guy and I've been in your shoes; as well as his. I know what it's like to be stuck doing everything AND work full time. But if it's gradual and handled well; and openly, he'll realize what you DO, do, and likely appreciate you all the more for it. he may be clueless as to how much you actually do, and if he is, it may not be his fault and he may not be doing anything wrong INTENTIONALLY.

Men typically don't ask for much for the most part. They want to be appreciated and not nagged at. We like peace in our homes. Try and settle this thing agreeably and; in an encouraging and complimentary way, and I'll BET you get more out of him.

Men will usually do almost anything for their wives if they feel like they're truly appreciated. I know that applies to women as well, but many women don't realize how important it is to men too.

OTOH, if the two of you are regimented in your routine in how you divide up the chores, you may have to develop more flexible habits and accommodate one another a bit more. Better to get it out in the open than let any resentments build up though; regardless of how you decide to approach it.