handling online drama

[rei]

i hope this is the best category for the topic. while there's been some heated intensity here several times since i joined, there are fantastic moderators so it seems it rarely, if ever, gets truly out of hand. on another forum i frequent, there are no moderators. it's about free expression and all of that.

i'm finding myself in a difficult situation, people saying some nasty things about me. i know it only triggers me if i let it, and this may mirror internal drama or just show that the community is growing, or all of the above and more. also some of the comments insult my friends by implication (by, for example, calling them 'minions' to my evil plot for world domination).

so far there are only 2-3 people doing this, but it's overwhelming sometimes because i don't really like getting in the mudslinging stuff. what's possibly even worse is this is a forum for spiritually minded people. one of these individuals shared a story recently that amounted to mutual abuse between that person and the other parent of a child (physical and verbal abuse), and i may be a generally kind person but that doesn't make me weak and i'm kinda tired of just tolerating the negativity.

i have no intention of trying to censor or control these people, but i'd like to respond consciously if possible (to what at times seems to be pure bullying). i know i can go on the offensive, i can ignore it, i can try to understand where the other parties are coming from... i could also just leave that forum but the friendships i've made there are valuable to me, especially since it's hard to find a lot of spiritually minded, non-religious people in my geographic area.

how might i handle this? any of you been through something similar who can offer ideas on what worked for you - especially when there are no mods?

[cylon]

When there are no mods it's all on the honor system, and in my experience, it doesn't work. If there are no consequences, people will do whatever they want, they'll push it as far as they can, say really vile things, and sometimes even "hack" into your personal life through their computer wizardry. I've had a pretty bad experience myself somewhere else, and my choice was to just leave that forum.

It really comes down to what you're willing to tolerate. I miss a lot of the people I used to talk to, but in my case I decided I wouldn't participate in a forum that had no standards. Honestly, if a forum doesn't realize the need for mods, I would question the value of that place, or at least of the administrator/owner. Often times they are just normal busy people with jobs though and don't have the time to read all the threads and keep people honest.

So I guess in my case it came down to defining to myself, what my personal boundaries are, and being willing to have those standards, even if it meant having to lose touch with some people I was close to.

Good luck.

[Daffy Duck]

It is hard when there's no moderators, but it's possible to still be a good forum.

Since I started using forums many years ago, I've found the best way to handle trolls is to treat them as if they're not a troll. When they say something negative, you ignore it or don't respond. Trolls are like most people... they want attention, and you can train them how to act by only praising them (giving them attention) when they do something positive.

Learning how to deal with online trolls has helped me offline. It taught me how to not get caught up emotionally because of what other people do. I'm able to stay very calm, even in the midst of chaos. Some of my friends have commented that it's one of the things they admire about me.

Your other option is to completely ignore them as if they're not there, and that's an okay thing to do, depending on the circumstance. If everyone hates a troll, then it made sense to me to usually just ignore them. But if I was the only one who had a problem with a troll, it meant one of two things. One, that they were actually being nasty and no one had picked up on it yet. It was usually just a matter of time before they got themselves banned. Or two, that they just didn't get along with me for some reason, and I was able to remedy that most of the time by changing my approach with them (usually by praising their positive aspects).

Something funny happened once or twice. The troll was so confused by how I was always nice to them that they decided to leave the forum completely! When all you're looking for is conflict, it makes no sense to stay around people who are nice to you, does it?

[rei]

@cylon: yes it is about limits and what we tolerate. at this point the cost of losing those friendships and spiritual connections is worth the flak. last night my friends turned the idea of me being evil into a running joke, and i appreciated that more than i can say.

as i said before, there's no mods because it's supposed to be a place of free expression. when the founder created it i'm sure the honor system was what he had in mind, and there can be more responsibility when people have to handle their own words.

@Daffy: (btw i can't help but notice the irony... but that is not an invitation!) the thing is, the person who has been the nastiest is trying to make it seem like i'm the bad guy, like all my efforts to be a good person and be helpful to those who ask are just a power trip. i'm being framed as the malicious one or like some kind of psychologically abusive cult leader. he called my Jesusb*tch earlier tonight. i do admire the creativity though. i don't so much admire how he is trying to reverse the roles and frame it as pushing people to be authentic. (i'm usually very self-aware so if he had a point i'd be able to see it.)

also this community i'm speaking about became known as a place for people with bipolar, i'm one of the only ones there without that diagnosis. so you can imagine how things can get distorted, how a regular 'off day' pales in comparison sometimes.

i find myself thinking that karma may be the best source of consequences, and then i feel malicious myself for thinking that. i have a very strong feeling that the person who's done the most of this was sexually abused by his father, and he constantly tries to mistreat people because he is terrified of getting close to anyone... basically really strong defensiveness. he doesn't need or want my pity.

anyway, i got into ventilation mode there. i'm certainly open to any other ideas, thanks to you both for sharing your perspective.

[cylon]

One thing I have come to believe in my life is that whatever is happening is a reflection of something going on inside myself. If I am having a dilemma or concern or question about life or anything like that, invariably it gets reflected in my reality. Sometimes it takes me time to see what's happening but I usually can make the correlation, often times it just hits me in the face. Happened today as a matter of fact.

So.... that doesn't mean what people are saying is "true" about you, because you are obviously not those bad things... but there is always the possibility that you may have at one time believed that what they were saying is true and that you haven't fully accepted a certain part of yourself or have mistakenly judged yourself as inferior in some way.

I really hope that makes sense in the way that I meant it.

Basically, we are always growing and learning and sometimes when we see an issue within ourselves that we choose to move beyond, consciously it is not surprising to get plenty of "hits" from the universe that basically say "so you want to dwell on this subject? Here you go. Deal with it."

In other words, when things fall apart, quite often it's a sign that you are actually breaking through old barriers, and that's the rubble laying around your feet.

[rei]

Originally Posted by cylon

One thing I have come to believe in my life is that whatever is happening is a reflection of something going on inside myself. If I am having a dilemma or concern or question about life or anything like that, invariably it gets reflected in my reality. Sometimes it takes me time to see what's happening but I usually can make the correlation, often times it just hits me in the face. Happened today as a matter of fact.

it did eh? how ironic

Originally Posted by cylon

So.... that doesn't mean what people are saying is "true" about you, because you are obviously not those bad things... but there is always the possibility that you may have at one time believed that what they were saying is true and that you haven't fully accepted a certain part of yourself or have mistakenly judged yourself as inferior in some way.

I really hope that makes sense in the way that I meant it.

it did make sense and i did not take it as you saying you, personally, feel that way about me, only that this could be a hello shadow type of mirror moment (if any of that intended meaning stuff was about choosing your words with some care out of respect, i'm quite grateful - if not, that's a silly thing for me to say). i do have some inferiority stuff that i'm still working through. i don't believe i'm evil and i'm not as controlling as i used to be. but there is often a residue, when we start getting cocky about how we finished dealing with something the universe usually humbles us.

Originally Posted by cylon

Basically, we are always growing and learning and sometimes when we see an issue within ourselves that we choose to move beyond, consciously it is not surprising to get plenty of "hits" from the universe that basically say "so you want to dwell on this subject? Here you go. Deal with it."

In other words, when things fall apart, quite often it's a sign that you are actually breaking through old barriers, and that's the rubble laying around your feet.

how poetic that was.
i was not active on that site for a while, and when i first became active again i asked what was going on since there seemed to be a lot of squabbling and sniping. the person who did the most attacking of me had been laying into someone else. i don't know how much of it is about me and my stuff and how much is him and his stuff, that's something that confuses me in situations like this.

he did help me own a part of myself that prefers to go off on people and roll around in the mud sometimes. sometimes i do repress the inner b*tch (scorpios can strike with amazing efficiency and i got tired of hurting people just because i could). sometimes when i help people it's partly because they ask and partly because it feels good for me to know i helped (actually that's pretty much all the time).

i saw your post earlier and decided to wait on a response, both to sidestep any desire to do the defensive 'no way that's true' thing and to let my subconscious ponder the things you were saying. most people don't like to admit they feel inferior unless they feed on negative attention/pity parties. and i find myself triggered in an intense way when i come across someone who seems needy and clingy, so i think that's a shadow self thing as well (not so much about being typically feminine... before you go there ... more about a fear of being vulnerable).

so part of this is me, part of it is him, and part of it is the community in that place growing as a group and trying to figure out how much room to allow for those individuals who don't share a pro-love worldview.

i'll face the fear of vulnerability to tell whoever is reading this that the attack (which i allowed at some level) last night ended up making me cry. i didn't feel like it was deserved, and it was painful for me to stoop to the level of telling that person he could kiss my a** and later saying if he values authenticity, he can kiss my authentic a**. getting that negative and combative feels a wee bit unnatural for me. but it does bring me to a place of greater balance. i started this thread to get ideas on other ways to approach such encounters in case i would rather not retaliate if it happens again.

thanks for your post cylon and i welcome additional ideas/feedback from you and others here.

[cylon]

Don't have to tell me about scorpios, belie-e-ve me.
(It's ok, saggs have a reputation for saying the wrong thing at the wrong moment and wondering what all the shocked expressions are all about. )

Well I'll give you a bit more background. It was a personal growth site like this one except it was basically guy stuff, so it revolved around issues of masculinity, dating, what it means to be a man, all that stuff people get tired of hearing me talk about.

But these guys could be very judgmental and would sort of demand info on sexual pursuits and other things and call it "tough love" if they didn't think you were progressing how they thought you should. Well, one of these guys who previously was a friend, started becoming very critical of my life choices and I finally told him that what he was saying was making me feel worse about myself. I basically told him to leave me alone and he started stalking me and saying all sorts of threatening things and making accusations about me that were untrue.

He managed to get a little group together from our "sister site", and they posted some of my photos from the member's area and began threads making fun of my physical appearance and started picking me apart, saying a bunch of lies about me. It was actually pretty traumatic for me, mainly because photographs were involved, I'd never had an experience like that before. And I kept getting PMs from friends who had heard some rumor that someone else was going to start a thread on me at the request of this guy, it happened, it just SUCKED. To put it simply. Left me with a really sick feeling in my stomach.

But, eventually the guy got banned, and then he threatened the owner of the site that he had personal info on another poster and would destroy their lives if the site wasn't shut down for good.

Anyway, I guess the POSITIVE moral of the story is I was not liking that place, I didn't like the attitudes that I was "expected" to have and I REALLY didn't like the way I was feeling about not fitting into the mold these guys demanded I fit into. I was judging myself so harshly. So, through whatever divine intervention, all that crap came to the surface and now it's behind me. I have a few people there that I contact through PM because they are true friends, but I am no longer an active poster at that site and life is much better. So in the long run, I was sort of forced into leaving behind beliefs and expectations that were harmful.

That is WAAAAAYYYYYYY more info than you needed but it helped me clarify that situation to myself, a little better. Sounds like the same things happen more or less when you get harassed.

[spirit4711]

Adding to what already has been said:

An unmoderated forum is like the Wild West: everybody can take a shot at you and the law is far away most of the time. It's not a fair environment nor should you expect that.

So, being in the Wild West, what would you do different than in the 21st century?

You get value out of it or you wouldn't stay there. You say you want to stay there because of the online friends there. Maybe you could persuade them to come over to this forum?

But maybe you get other value out of the Wild West too?

[rei]

wow
that was difficult to simply read about, i can't imagine what it was to experience, and i don't really want to. sounds terrible enough, geez.

thankfully things are not at that level in my situation and i am grateful for that. i don't think i would tell the person from my own situation that he brought me to tears... he loves to act like a predator (my theory - he's terrified of being preyed upon again). i don't want to fuel the fire any more than i may have at this point.

but it is similar with the faction thing, dissenters or a different type of in-group. ganging up and trying to tear down one's self-worth. psychological/emotional abuse is what it amounts to. i've made efforts to try and understand this person and he gets very combative (my theory - he knows i have a background in psychology and thinks i will use it to 'fix' him against his will... he has repeatedly thrown in my face the psycho-trick excuse). i'm not always acting as the daughter of two psychologists and i'm not always acting as a counselor in training. sometimes i'm just a person who wants to hang with some friends.

yeah what you described from your experience totally beats my story - not that it's a contest of course. but i do recognize it could obviously be much worse and i'm grateful to have a deeper acceptance of that after reading your post. helps me get some perspective on my own situation as well.

and probably most of the people who do this type of thing have massive amounts of pain themselves, or they wouldn't need to act in those ways. i try to keep that in mind as, not as much for pity (place of superiority) as to keep a level head for a longer amount of time (just another person).

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by rei

he doesn't need or want my pity.

You are probably right here... but I do think he may need your compassion.

Picture this:

A very cure puppy who has been beaten before and therefor now is scared. He is sitting in a corner and you want to help him and reach out. When you do, the puppy growls and seems mean to you. But really, you can stil see he is just a scared little puppy.

After you have pictured this, answer to his posts. It may make a difference..

[rei]

Originally Posted by spirit4711

Adding to what already has been said:

An unmoderated forum is like the Wild West: everybody can take a shot at you and the law is far away most of the time. It's not a fair environment nor should you expect that.

So, being in the Wild West, what would you do different than in the 21st century?

You get value out of it or you wouldn't stay there. You say you want to stay there because of the online friends there. Maybe you could persuade them to come over to this forum?

But maybe you get other value out of the Wild West too?

great analogy! (thought you were only going to hang in PM land mister? )

i should not expect fairness, true, but i have a lot of faith in humanity to do the right thing, to be just and all of that. but i'm a jaded idealist, not just an idealist, so i know this may not happen all the time.

actually, framing it as you did, i'm quite impressed there aren't more people taking advantage of the lawlessness. who joins a spiritual community that talks about using one's gifts to spread love if you want to stomp on people's hearts? (i actually think the person who does most of the stomping probably treats himself that way, which is sad). oh, and he wasn't always like that either, if it was like that from the beginning i could say he is just being a troll or whatever, but he seems fairly neutral towards people when they first come there (i guess that's a common trait for some types of abuse though).

i don't like rules in general, so yeah i guess i enjoy having no one forcing me to play nice and doing it anyway (most of the time anyhoo). that forum has a different flavor, it's more intimate. kinda like sunday school versus worship in the sanctuary (sorry to pick that particular reference but it's pretty late here). i mentioned this forum to my closest friend and she visited but didn't like how this place doesn't have a lot of eye candy (photos, etc.) and she does a lot to balance head and heart (as do i). but i did bring it up as an option.

like i said, that place has a close-knit feel that's harder to experience on a site this size, and the main focus is spirituality instead of PD (though we do a lot of that without labeling it).

i have good reasons to stay, so until the cons outweigh the pros i'm staying there. i realize leaving is an option but it's not one i'd want to use right now.

thanks for helping me look at it this way... now leave already!

@ssandra: yes that is a useful image. i have been very compassionate with him before, i once coached him through his fear of seeing a counselor at his mother's insistence. and eventually he has thrown the compassion back in my face, but that doesn't mean i can't still remind myself that he must be in amazing emotional and psychological pain to be so mean to others. he follows the golden rule too. thank you.

[cylon]

Originally Posted by rei

but it is similar with the faction thing, dissenters or a different type of in-group. ganging up and trying to tear down one's self-worth. psychological/emotional abuse is what it amounts to. i've made efforts to try and understand this person and he gets very combative (my theory - he knows i have a background in psychology and thinks i will use it to 'fix' him against his will... he has repeatedly thrown in my face the psycho-trick excuse)

Yeah, my story sounds bad, didn't mean to bring the tone down, I'm completely over it now. But this will help others, I know this stuff happens to people.

But yes, the part the stories have in common, any time there is a popular poster, who has a "following" if they are unstable they will turn that following against you if they CAN. They can't face rejection or criticism, so their only alternative is "DESTROY!".

You cannot reason with these people or make them "See the light". All you can do is ignore them, and hope that you can somehow co-exist with them without them interfering in your other exchanges with people. But some people absolutely cannot stand to be criticized or rejected and you need to watch out for them because they will make you notice them despite your best efforts. And if it's other people that they are harassing that you care about, your only option is to report posts--assuming, that they have mods to read those reported posts.

Bottom Line: if it's not helping your life, if the things happening are upsetting you, then they do not belong in your experience and you can walk away.

[rei]

you know cylon, apparently this does have something to do with people generally admiring and appreciating my contributions there. i guess that's why i was compared to Jesus. maybe i threaten him by having that many people who value me since my psych background means i could technically do all sorts of sneaky things with that power (that i have zero desire to do). i've learned some tough lessons about responsible use of power and have no intention of doing those things he seems to be playing chicken little over.

for this situation, i don't think it's as much about criticism (he gives it and gets it) as a desire to go on the offensive to avoid feeling weak. not sure if i can explain this but intuitively that feels closer to the truth, especially with the predator/prey theme.

i hope you are completely over it... wouldn't want you to get a universal humbling by saying that

i agree with your bottom line, and the moment the bad outweighs the good, or the moment i notice i have internalized any of those malicious ideas, i'll leave that place. the joy i get from connecting with those friends and the boost my inner authentic self gets from the help i'm able to give is not worth sacrificing the gains i've made in the area of self-esteem.

[Michelle]

A while back I advertised my mastermind group on an expat forum in Switzerland. It ended up being compared to the KKK and Scientology and I was called some really awful things.

It was totally weird and upsetting to me.

After processing the info, what I realized (and continue to realize again and again) is that the power is 100% in my hands concerning where I choose to focus my attention and energy. I removed my membership from that forum, and focus my attention on these forums where the energy is much more positive and healthy.

Since then I have been at peace with the issue. I don't get involved in drama anymore simply because I have no use for it. My life is exciting, beautiful and emotional enough without having to artificially generate those things.

Fact is, if you find yourself continually involved in online drama it is you who is responsible and you are always free to make the choice to step away.

[Daffy Duck]

Originally Posted by rei

@Daffy: (btw i can't help but notice the irony... but that is not an invitation!)

What irony is that?

Another benefit of learning how to deal with trolls is being able to argue without feeling mad. I can argue for something and be very serious, but while doing this I'm not feeling upset or angry. Being able to argue and feel controlled and happy at the same time is very nice!

the thing is, the person who has been the nastiest is trying to make it seem like i'm the bad guy, like all my efforts to be a good person and be helpful to those who ask are just a power trip.

Yeah, I know how that is!

The best thing you can do is explain your side of the story, and if people are smart, they will see that you are not the "bad guy". If people are not smart, then don't waste your time hanging out with them.

Gee, on second reading that sounds so judgmental. What I really mean is that if people don't believe you, don't believe the truth, then I wouldn't waste too much of my time trying to convince them. Ya know?

also this community i'm speaking about became known as a place for people with bipolar, i'm one of the only ones there without that diagnosis.

Ah, I see. That's interesting.

Originally Posted by cylon

Bottom Line: if it's not helping your life, if the things happening are upsetting you, then they do not belong in your experience and you can walk away.

I agree.

And Cylon, after reading about your past experiences, I can now better understand why you have some mistaken ideas about me, and why you think my offer of mutual forgiveness and friendship is somehow dangerous or dishonest. But alas, I don't think anyone here is like those sick PUA guys you had to deal with.

On another forum, I dealt with some people who got pictures of me, put it on another site, and started making fun too. They did it because they found pictures of a friend and made fun of her. When I defended her and basically told them to get a life, they attacked me next. They also found information about my family and started posting that. They weren't very smart... they could have also found my address if they knew where to look. Anyway, I basically told them to **** off and didn't interact with them anymore. Eventually the whole group was banned from the forum by a new administrator and their site was taken down too. They weren't seriously dangerous people... they were just jerks. I also found pictures of them and they were the nerdiest most un-intimidating looking people alive... thus adding to their stereotype that "people like this have nothing better to do with their time." I gotta admit though, it's funny when a tiny 110lbs. male talks about "finding you and kicking your ass!"

[rei]

update: several people on that site have now or will soon be contacting the creator to ask that the main person creating the drama be banned.

one of my friends sent me a message to let me know this person was saying some pretty mean things in a public chat applet, which i'll be censoring here:
'rei, you f***ing psycho-b**** **** off you user i hope she reads that eventually if not, then one of you can tell her yeah, you, you lurkers f*** that s***'

what did i do that lead to this?
i made an effort to reach out to a person i was formerly on good terms with. that person has now become some kind of sidekick and i can tell she has mixed feelings about it. i guess he got territorial. even though i said nothing about him to her, he thought i was trying to use her to get to him according to his actual initial response (?)

he also told me to pack my bags, he really wants me to leave that site, i guess so he can have free reign to be abusive to anyone he wants without my psychology background seeing through it.

i'm not one to typically present a difficult story and ask for support, but i'm doing that now. if nothing is done i will at least stop actively participating on that site since i don't deserve it at all, but i don't want him to feel even more freedom to behave this way (no, i am not trying to directly talk him out of it, but apparently me being there at all makes him feel limited). hopefully this person gets banned and that is the intention i choose to manifest.

so if anyone here has read this and you realize it is undeserved and would be kind enough to offer some encouragement and support i'd really appreciate it.

p.s. i have new-found gratitude for moderators.

[Plays With Life]

Originally Posted by rei

.. (by, for example, calling them 'minions' to my evil plot for world domination).

Dude .. you have an evil plot for world domination? Nice.

Originally Posted by rei

hopefully this person gets banned and that is the intention i choose to manifest.

Sounds like you've taken up the battle. For the record, I'm rooting for you. Good luck winning the fight.

[rei]

thank you Plays With Life

and thank you for the joke. great timing.

[Plays With Life]

Anytime.

[Trezker]

When people accuse you of having plans for world domination, just admit that you do and lay out your whole plan for everyone to see. Most people have several theories on how to achieve WD, though probably not carefully worked out and in print...

Just describe your image of utopia and your ideas on how to get there, through a conspiracy lense of course. Anything you come up with should make a good basis for a novel.

I recommend reading Feet of Clay by Terry Pratchett, and pay special attention to Captain Carrot. He is a strong character with a very special attitude to everything. He is extremely nice and fair to everyone and seems to be totally unaware of any wrongdoing towards himself. All insults thrown his way seems to be reinterpreted in his mind and he replies with nothing but helpfullness. I think you have to read the book to understand.

[cylon]

Originally Posted by rei

i'm not one to typically present a difficult story and ask for support, but i'm doing that now. if nothing is done i will at least stop actively participating on that site since i don't deserve it at all, but i don't want him to feel even more freedom to behave this way (no, i am not trying to directly talk him out of it, but apparently me being there at all makes him feel limited). hopefully this person gets banned and that is the intention i choose to manifest.

Ok, y'all just got WAY too close. And this guy is having some sort of maybe romantic entanglement with this girl (online at least) and that is getting mixed up in how he feels somehow betrayed by you... it's messy. Without knowing the details too much there have been some crossed personal boundaries and you guys are just way too emotionally tangled up in each others experience right now.

Frankly, I would take an extended vacation from that site. You're too close to it. And that's hard advice to take for us people who love to chat online, because the drama can sometimes be like catnip, but I don't see how this lightens up unless you just walk away for awhile, then come back and see if the tone of the site has mellowed out a bit.

Maybe don't leave for good, but you could really consider just a vacation from it all. Nothing good is going to come out of all of you being at the height of emotions and being reactive to one another. You're at the point where it can get even worse unless someone just stops talking, leaving a vacuum for some chillage to take its place.

[rei]

Trezker, that is certainly an interesting approach. fascinating character as well.

what i decided to do was compile several applicable points from a website about bullying and post it in the public area of the website with any comments requiring my approval.

i learned that bullies consider people with psych backgrounds to be especially threatening due to a risk of exposure, they latch onto those people to drive them away. as i told a friend a moment ago, if he had not decided to do this with me he would probably have gotten away with more than he did. now that i understand what he was doing and why, i'm not going anywhere AND i'm doing the thing he feared the most.

so yeah add to that how i also see myself in a genuine power-over position in relation to him and things have definitely turned around! maybe i'll make my next entry my scheme to conquer the world.

@cylon: yeah it could be that. or it could be that he is a socialized psychopath and i was trying to speak to his "emotionally needy and vulnerable" ally. i really think my understanding is closer to the truth but if you turn out to be right i'll do as you suggested and take a break, fair enough?

[cylon]

If this dude is a bully and you provoke him, there is a chance that he'll do what you want, and have a meltdown, and get banned or leave, but if he's a genuine psycopath, then don't underestimate what he's capable of doing or saying. This stuff can get really weird and scary, so just keep that in mind.

[rei]

very good point. well taken as well. i'm thinking more of the bully thing, that was just the name for the specific 'type' of bully that seemed to apply the most.

i'll tread mindfully, but i do think if it was such a big deal to get rid of me then exposure was what he was so worried about and if he is exposed he has no reason to stay there. hopefully that's the case. i'm not good at simply ignoring direct, malicious attacks on my character. and provoking me was part of the goal, this is just a different way to respond.

i hope any future updates i may decide to share are only positive and we will have co-created a new efficient method of neutralizing the cyberbully.

[Michael Chui]

My post isn't really saying anything everyone else hasn't said, but I thought I'd put it together using the framework I work under.

Originally Posted by rei

i'm not good at simply ignoring direct, malicious attacks on my character. and provoking me was part of the goal, this is just a different way to respond.

I tend to use Aikido as an illustration of dealing with confrontations. Aikido is a martial art focusing on reasserting harmony. The first lesson is that if you aren't being attacked, then nothing needs to happen. That's not applicable. The second lesson is that you can be immovable. And the third lesson is that there are a lot of ways to defuse an attack, usually by meeting it almost head-on, but a little to the side.

When someone is flaming, they're pushing. You can accept it (one way is via reinterpretation, like Trekzer suggests) and thus "pull" them off balance. A lot of Aikido involves "helping" the attacker into a position they can't hurt you from: if they're punching you, you step past and pull their hand in the same direction it was moving... but faster than they had been expecting and longer than they were planning.

An attack on your character is a push. Defending against it is a pushback. That puts you in a deadlock. Instead, "step around" it by ignoring those specific comments and "pull" on the actual points they've made. Or "pull" on their ad hominems by exaggerating them (why yes, I do have a master plan for world domination).

Originally Posted by rei

i hope any future updates i may decide to share are only positive and we will have co-created a new efficient method of neutralizing the cyberbully.

Troll-stomping is really hard. It's a war of attrition, and the most vulnerable person is you. The best advice I can give you is to find the rock of your identity and hold onto it while dealing with him.

Anyways, some ideas for you to work with. You'll do OK.

[brendannz]

Internet forums can be really addictive, so I think you need to be really careful about how you're spending your time on them if you're dealing with toxic people.

[Daffy Duck]

Michael, I like the way you used Aikido to explain it. Nice work.

Originally Posted by rei

update: several people on that site have now or will soon be contacting the creator to ask that the main person creating the drama be banned.

That's good to hear.

Originally Posted by cylon

If this dude is a bully and you provoke him, there is a chance that he'll do what you want, and have a meltdown, and get banned or leave.

Yep, that works sometimes. Heck, I've done it twice on this forum.