How to help someone who just got raped?

[Rose of Cairo]

Hi all,

someone very close to me just got raped. I'm good at handling crisis situations, so I talked her through the drama, made sure she'd go see a doctor and get legal help, etc. Now that all this is taken care of, what shows up is the whole emotional turmoil. She's traveling in another country. I cannot hug her. Even communicating is difficult. I listen to her and tell her that the way she feels is normal, and encourage her to express her feelings and go see a therapist. But... I'm feeling quite overwhelmed. Does anybody have experience with this? Is there something smart I can say that would be more helpful?

Thanks.

[Michelle]

The best thing you can do for her is to be there, be a friend to her and encourage her to get the professional help she may need. What more can any friend actually do? In the end it is her choice whether or not to take this advice, and you do not help her by taking emotional responsibility for her or her situation.

[rei]

Rose, i have experience with sexual assault survivors.
loved ones often want to do something to help, but there is probably not a magic thing you can say. be there for her, hold the space for her to express any emotions that come up. being there for her is the best thing you can do.

i know in the U.S. there are Rape Crisis Centers in each state where people can be seen by someone trained in this area, but i don't know how other countries are set up.

also watch for PTSD symptoms as this is a traumatic experience.

if you have any specific questions let me know. and hey, a lot of people try to act like nothing traumatic happened to their loved one, so at least you aren't ignoring this.

p.s. there is no 'normal' way to respond to rape. there's not a formula, there are stages but not everyone passes through them in the same order or at all. so while you may prefer knowing what to expect, hopefully it will help to know there is nothing standard to expect.

[spirit4711]

Rose, I think you're doing fine so far. You are there for her, more you cannot do.

Is she travelling alone? Does her family know and support her? Other friends maybe?

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by Michelle

The best thing you can do for her is to be there, be a friend to her and encourage her to get the professional help she may need. What more can any friend actually do? In the end it is her choice whether or not to take this advice, and you do not help her by taking emotional responsibility for her or her situation.

Yes, you're right. I'm not taking responsibility for her, I just thought that maybe someone knows of something particularly helpful that loved ones can do or say in such a situation.

Originally Posted by rei

Rose, i have experience with sexual assault survivors.
loved ones often want to do something to help, but there is probably not a magic thing you can say. be there for her, hold the space for her to express any emotions that come up. being there for her is the best thing you can do.

OK. Thanks rei. Could you PM me those stages? I get that's nothing standard to be expected, but maybe it would help if I knew what they are and if I could recognize them?

Originally Posted by spirit4711

Rose, I think you're doing fine so far. You are there for her, more you cannot do.

OK. *nods*

We talked on the phone twice today and she writes many emails. I listen and write back. The connection is crappy and breaks all the time when she's online or when we are on the phone. But at least she knows I'm there and think of her.

Is she travelling alone?

Yes. She's in Africa! For work, and alone. I encouraged her to talk about it with the woman whose place she's staying at and she did, so I'm glad that at least she has in person support now.

[Daffy Duck]

Rei, please PM that information too. I'm not dealing with anyone who has been raped, but I'd like to know more about the best ways to comfort people in this situation.

[rei]

i don't have it memorized so i'll need to track it down. i should be able to find it after dinner. if not i'll do my best with what i remember. i do know the first stage is Denial. it's similar to the Kubler-Ross stages of dying i think.

encouraging a person to continue doing things they enjoy, getting plenty of rest, eating regularly is helpful too. seems a lot of women respond to this by getting a bit passively self-destructive, so encouraging life affirming choices should help with that. but done in a supportive way, not a pushy way obviously (though pushing can be useful for people who seem determined to self-destruct).

[Gene]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

We talked on the phone twice today and she writes many emails. I listen and write back. The connection is crappy and breaks all the time when she's online or when we are on the phone. But at least she knows I'm there and think of her.

Yes. She's in Africa! For work, and alone. I encouraged her to talk about it with the woman whose place she's staying at and she did, so I'm glad that at least she has in person support now.

I wonder if contacting her nations embassy and and seeking help would be useful to her. They might well have some suggestions for professional help and how to handle any legal issues which might be considered.

[aelle]

Originally Posted by rei

p.s. there is no 'normal' way to respond to rape. there's not a formula, there are stages but not everyone passes through them in the same order or at all. so while you may prefer knowing what to expect, hopefully it will help to know there is nothing standard to expect.

This is very important. Different assault victims react differently, are traumatised at various degrees (or hardly at all), and this can change with time, in either direction. Be there for your friend and follow her lead. Take clues from her on how you should act. If she asks for support, offer it. If she says she's fine, don't second guess her. As a sexual abuse victim, more often than not I've been made to feel (by well meaning people) like I wasn't traumatized enough, and that's infuriating.

Bu tit seems you're handling it really well so far. Hugs to you and your friend.

[Holistic Star]

I think follow her lead and remember that it might take time to process all the information. it will go in cycles. She might be in shock and not really be processing what is happening to her right now.

At least she is talking about it and communicating about it. That's a great step. So many people just bury it deep.

You will be doing a wonderful loving service by holding that healing space for her. Even with a dodgy phoneline you will be doing that energetically anyway. She will find her way through in some way. I know you want to sweep her up and make it all better for her, but just hold that wonderful loving space and really listen and that will be a huge help.

Take time to look after yourself too. You will be affected by what she tells you if you're not careful to keep your vibration raised and clean. So please remember that after talking to her to ask whatever energy isn't yours that you've picked up to leave. You don't want to be a sponge and absorb a load of crap. Let it bounce off you and you will be of much better service.

I don't think there are any magic words, I wish there were. When she is ready you could offer an SR clearing for her - but I would wait a bit before offering until the shock has passed.

Big hugs to you and your friend.

[rei]

Holistic Star made a really good point about doing this mindfully.
i've gotten overly-involved energetically in these types of stories before and then i had to focus on myself, so better to just keep it balanced from the get-go. might be easier said than done but you don't need to accept the traumatic influence to be supportive.

[ssandra]

I just wanted to say that you are doing good.

From what I remember reading somewhere is especially after a while some people get tired of hearing about the same traumatic event over and over again. If you can still be there for her in the future and listend when she needs to talk, I believe you are being the best friend she could wish for.

I´ll think of her and while meditating send her and you some love.

[Gene]

Originally Posted by ssandra

I´ll think of her and while meditating send her and you some love.

I like ssandr's post. I am sending special Love and energy to your friend and to you.

[Rose of Cairo]

Hey, thank you so much everybody for the good advice, love and hugs.

Going to the embassy is the first thing I told her to do. She went there and they gave her the names and addresses of a French doctor, psychotherapist, etc. She is being legally and officially supported and getting both medical and psychological professional assistance now.

For now, she's still in a state of shock and not doing good at all, but tonight she wrote an email which sounded better. I will acknowledge that.

Thanks for reminding me of the energy thing! I admit that I have a hard time not letting it affect me. It's not only the negative stuff that I pick up from her, it's also what I create myself. For example, I'm worried. The rapist didn't use a condom and the HIV infection rate is very high where she is. She's on a preventive HIV therapy now and also got a load of other vaccines and medicine. All this makes her feel like crap physically and she also was slightly injured when it happened. I try to stay positive and detached but I can't help it, I'm worried. I'm also a bit irritated because every time I do really great, someone shows up with some big **** happening to them which distracts me. And I feel like I have to be strong now in order to be there for her, when "being strong" is totally not aligned with the energy I'm currently trying to bring into my life.

Anyway, I just needed to vent.

She will definitely get a Soul Realignment reading and clearing when I'm done with my training. She always attracts such crap and I know that's because of something in her record.

Actually, I feel bad about the whole thing because my intuition was strongly telling me that something would happen if she went. But I didn't say anything because I thought it was her decision to go or not, and I didn't want to hold her back or pressure her in any way. And now, this happened.

[rei]

well, there you go taking on some of that vibe of a survivor who blames him/herself.

i think you even know you're doing that in terms of saying you felt something and didn't express it to her. as you said it was her choice. it may sound cold to you for me to say that, but if this was some destined thing or some type of karmic balancing, she would have attracted it even if she had not gone on this trip.

so if you agree with what i'm saying, this is a good example of why it's important to have that energetic mindfulness - and if you're incredibly empathic, even some energetic distance. not so you can be uncaring, so you can be a better caring influence in the long run!

p.s. Rose, i hope you know i'm not just trying to be mean or trying to make you feel bad. i'm just trying to help you be conscious as you support your friend.

[Roxon]

Hi Rose, sad to hear of your friend, rape is a big problem in many countries here in Africa my love to your friend. You are being a very good friend i can empathise with you wanting to do more yet you are doing more already some ideas:

to help her to be safe you could put protective energy around her and tell her often that you are helping to protect her...this can be a real comfort even if she holds very different beliefs than you.

if she has different beliefs to you it can help to quote platitudes like "God loves those most who suffered most" etc. Sayings that take blame away and make suffering spiritual (you say she attracts bad stuff) its excruciating to face lurking LOA thoughts after

tell her often that she is handling the whole thing very well and tell her often that you admire her courage and strength

tell her often that she will get thru this and the sun will shine again

perhaps you can do surrogate EFT tapping on yourself, for her and tell her you are doing healing for her

i hope something here can be helpful

[Rose of Cairo]

Hi all,

just wanted to say thanks again to everybody for all the support and advice. She's slowly getting better.

Originally Posted by rei

p.s. Rose, i hope you know i'm not just trying to be mean or trying to make you feel bad. i'm just trying to help you be conscious as you support your friend.

I perfectly understand that, Rei. Actually, I don't even see anything in your post that could have offended me! Thanks for reminding me of the energetic distance thing. I always tend to forget that.

Originally Posted by Roxon

Hi Rose, sad to hear of your friend, rape is a big problem in many countries here in Africa my love to your friend. You are being a very good friend i can empathise with you wanting to do more yet you are doing more already some ideas:

Thank you very much for the kind words and good ideas, Roxon! I applied several of them. Thanks especially for reminding me of EFT. I love EFT, but I hadn't thought of using it for surrogate tapping.

Love.

[Roxon]

Hi Rose, i hope your friend is recovering well and you are also able to focus enough on your own endeavours.
Your empathetic, practical support is wonderful im happy the ideas may help, EFT is great. After such an ordeal is the time when deep seated limiting and destructive beliefs are often formed while trying to cope and make sense of it all and so all your support, healing and considerate words are helping to minimise it. Its also a time when one thinks and feels many awful things that cant be put into words or expressed for fear of reprimand/rejection by those willing to listen and comfort, so your reassurances and encouragement are helping to minimise it too.

It could help to remind your friend that being raped in a foreign country is too often a case of being a victim of cultural misperceptions and misread nuances on the part of the perpetrator, here in Africa (as in many other countries and cultures worldwide) there are often cultural beliefs, myths and gender role beliefs that are..... wrong or illogical realizing that could help your friend to process her ordeal somewhat better.
The added trauma is the waiting for her to be declared HIV negative (the added complication here in Africa) Louise Hay in her book Heal Your Body gives an affirmation/new thought pattern relevant to HIV perhaps you could make a laminated card and post these or similar words to your friend and suggest she read it every day or whenever she wants as an affirmation/prayer from you. It says..." I am part of the universal design. I am important and i am loved by life itself. I am powerful and capable. I love and appreciate all of myself." you dont have to tell her exactly what its for if you think it best not to and maybe you even want to say it in her name for her as a type of healing affirmation every day. Blessings to you and congrats on you upcoming move to Norway
Sending love, peace and healing to your friend

[Rose of Cairo]

Roxon, thank you SO much!

Louise Hay, what a great idea! I will give her this affirmation to read every day. I doubt she'll do it, but at least she'll be given the opportunity to. And I'll say it on her behalf, too.

It could help to remind your friend that being raped in a foreign country is too often a case of being a victim of cultural misperceptions and misread nuances on the part of the perpetrator, here in Africa (as in many other countries and cultures worldwide) there are often cultural beliefs, myths and gender role beliefs that are..... wrong or illogical realizing that could help your friend to process her ordeal somewhat better.

Yes, fortunately she already knows about this.

After such an ordeal is the time when deep seated limiting and destructive beliefs are often formed while trying to cope and make sense of it all and so all your support, healing and considerate words are helping to minimise it. Its also a time when one thinks and feels many awful things that cant be put into words or expressed for fear of reprimand/rejection by those willing to listen and comfort, so your reassurances and encouragement are helping to minimise it too.

Yes. I can see that happening now. All this week we have been talking a lot, but right now she just sent me an email and confessed a few things she did this week while hiding them from me. I feel it would not be okay to give details publicly, but it is clearly self-destructive behaviors, as well as behaviors based on terribly low self-esteem. She seems to be very afraid I would judge, reprimand or reject her, just like you said.

Of course I don't do any of this. I think I'll write back to make it clear that she's perfectly worthy and lovable no matter what choices she makes and that I love her. But first I need to process the shock. When I read her email my eyes fell out of my head. I can't help imagining how she must feel like a piece of sh*t for doing such things. Wow that one is really hard to take. I need to remember the emotional and energetic distance thing and not let my empathy affect me.

[Roxon]

Hi Rose. Gosh with all that is going on in your life at present you are still managing to offer wonderfully attentive support to your friend, so much so that you are really reaching her inside of herself. What a drain on your energy this can be, im sure finding the balance will serve you well in your journey with soul realignment study but wow Rose you are being the type of friend people dream of yes ive been finding it a challenge to respond publicly about something as traumatic and personal about someone else but the forum topics help many others in similar situations however you can PM me if you need to talk more if it will help you, im no expert or victim of such a rape but i get what she is basically going thru. The main thing is her getting thru the early months and with as little damaging reactions and limiting beliefs as possible so its not easy to focus on the fact that we create our own reality with her but to keep firmly reminding yourself of that may help you to mantain emotional distance when she confesses and leans on you. Right now you are a lifeline and a light in the darkness, she has a long, hard road ahead but you need to slowly transfer the bulk of the weight onto a therapist, to be her first stop &with you as close support. Dont feel too responsible cos you got a premonition but diddnt emphasise it, we all create our own experiences by our choices and learn our lessons as you know. Her self destructive behaviour is a cry for help, punishing herself for getting raped, expressing her new perception of her worth, identity & future, so as you say; responding with acceptance and can also every time gently point out the pain induced-reasons you notice behind her actions- like a loving mirror for her- so she begins to understand her actions and gently remind her that she can choose to treat herself with love instead because she is so worthy of love. Wishing you love &energy &you will find that you will continue to do just the right thing at just the right time for her.