Its never enough

[striving4peace]

This post is about trying to help me understand the female gender (i'm male).
Is it just me or do women normally never happy enough with what the men in their life are doing for them?
My mom, my sister, my ex-best friend, and now my wife all usually just complain that I don't do enough. As someone who believes he is always trying his best at everything - most of all ensuring people he loves are happy and problem free - it's quite frustrating and angering. Most of the time everyone's happy, but when they get frustrated- off they go.
Common phrases always start with "You NEVER...." or "You ALWAYS..."

I can take it to an extent but if it goes on and on, and in extreme circumstances I turn into the hulk, lose my temper and yell back - resulting in tears, a difficult road back to recovery, and possible loss of a bit more of trust / comfort zone.

Its not that I don't explain myself, but at times it's really amazing the stupid things that need to be explained. I mean isn't it common sense to not tell the person who is fighting for you, going the extra distance to do the best he can that "He never even tries"?

[spirit4711]

Originally Posted by striving4peace

This post is about trying to help me understand the female gender (i'm male).

Forget it

My mom, my sister, my ex-best friend, and now my wife all usually just complain that I don't do enough.

So what? Really. So what?

Either you agree with them, and change your ways, or you tell them to do it themselves.

Common phrases always start with "You NEVER...." or "You ALWAYS..."

That's the tip-off. It seems more about them complaining than really addressing the issue, whatever the issue is.

What do you think the issue is when they say things like that?

[marinik]

Well boys I have the revers problem. When ever I try to say something is bothering me, and I only do it when it is really getting on my nerves or hurting me... then I get YOU ALWAYS, or YOU NEVER.... each time I have to teach my husband how to "fight" for his right not to agree or what ever this way... and not get into this type of nonproductive blaming... or visiting old events.. I am trying to look at the future and he is looking at the past , that realy gets on my nerves!

Just to point out that you do not have the exclusivity on this!

[Brutha]

It's very probably that your problem lies in thinking to much about what other people think of you.
If you don't have clear expectations about what you will do and what you won't do, you will always be in situations where someone says "it's not enough".

The problem isn't about them.

[cylon]

Absolute best thing you can do when someone is yelling at you, and saying "you never do this" or "you always do that", is to take deep breaths, stay as centered as possible. Don't talk back, just let them say their piece. When they are done, CALMLY and without emotion say something "I understand that you feel this way, but I disagree with your opinion of that. I have done a,b,c many times so it is not true that I always/never do that. I do not want to stand here and argue though, so I'm going to leave now."

No emotion, no trying to get them back, just let them calm down, acknowledge what they say in a non-judgmental manner, and then get the hell out of there.

Easier said than done, but it's the only way to stop this cycle. Takes a lot of maturity to pull off.

[chrisrushton]

Originally Posted by cylon

Absolute best thing you can do when someone is yelling at you, and saying "you never do this" or "you always do that", is to take deep breaths, stay as centered as possible. Don't talk back, just let them say their piece. When they are done, CALMLY and without emotion say something "I understand that you feel this way, but I disagree with your opinion of that. I have done a,b,c many times so it is not true that I always/never do that. I do not want to stand here and argue though, so I'm going to leave now."

No emotion, no trying to get them back, just let them calm down, acknowledge what they say in a non-judgmental manner, and then get the hell out of there.

Easier said than done, but it's the only way to stop this cycle. Takes a lot of maturity to pull off.

i'd tell them where to shove it.

seriously though, i wouldn't be happy living like that. i'd have to decide wether what i was always or never doing was important to me. if it was, i wouldn't stop doing / not doing it. if that was the deal breaker for the relationship, i'd have to consider the relationship broken.

[cylon]

Family is family, when you get older you appreciate them more and forget a lot of your differences. Best thing to do is just not get emotional. Speak your piece, but refrain from saying things you'll regret later when someone is on their death bed.

That's what you do with people you love. Not easy to do because they know where to hurt you the most.

[sheffy4]

Read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus." It helped me a lot. There is a communication technique in there called the "Love letter" and it really helped teach me how to find the root of my upset feelings and express them in a productive manner.

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by striving4peace

Common phrases always start with "You NEVER...." or "You ALWAYS..."

One way I've dealt with useless criticism myself is just to say "I know I'm not perfect" and ignore the comment..

Another thing you could do, is tell them you don't like the criticism and feel it is unnecessary, it probably is..