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10-31-2009, 08:42 PM
| #1 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 7
 |  please help!
Hey can someone please help, i recently broke up with gf of a year and a half. the relationship ultimately ended because i was selfish and complacent. I messed up big time. I know i am a difficult person with baggage. I was stabbed at a young age, my parents havent loved each other since i was young but they still live in the same house, my father was violent when i was a kid. I was never too confident at meeting girls. so at 24 i rushed into a relationship with an american girl and i got married. we were married 3 years in total though we were only together physically about 12 months due to immigration stuff. i moved to the US and tried to make it work but it didnt. i came home and soon after met my GF, i love her so much everything was so good she was everything i wanted, she is beautiful smart and funny as hell. Then she had to go away for a year to france to study and that was hard. it was different to before when i was married. This was true love and i was so scared of loosing it. We made it through the year and she came home. I really dropped the ball then, i was stressed, i was working alot while also trying to work at my real career goal and i just felt pressured. I distanced myself a little and i was careless and i hurt her. As a result she broke up with me. I told her i am sorry and to this day i am trying to make it right. She says she cant trust me not to hurt her again. I wouldnt tho. This was my first proper relationship, i was learning too, what to do, what not to do. I was also changing as a person in terms of things i had learned from my marriage and my parents assways relationship. We have seen each other, been intimate and its always passionate but afterwards she still says no. Then we met two weeks ago and she said we could try and work things out. An hour after she went home she txt'd me and said no it cant work. I was heartbroken all over again. it was like hope had been held in front of my face and then snatched away. I am heart broken. i know i let her down but i would give anything just to make it up to her. i am so lost i dont know what to do. can someone please give me some advice.
Last edited by foxweasel; 11-01-2009 at 01:51 AM. |
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10-31-2009, 08:50 PM
| #2 (permalink) |
| Senior Member  Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: USA/Mississippi
Posts: 1,042
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breakup pain is really hard, i feel for you foxweasel. are you wanting advice on how to get her back or advice on how to feel better about where you find yourself? breakup pain does get better with time, taking care of ourselves, finding fun hobbies or spending time with friends. do you feel like you need to be in a romantic relationship to be happy? have you in the past been comfortable and happy with being single? |
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10-31-2009, 09:20 PM
| #3 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 190
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If she's willing to talk to you, you may have a shot at least; but beware of false hope. That can be a real bummer. First off, if you want her back, DON'T BEG. That's a turn off off for most women; trust me. I tried it when I was much younger and she lost even more respect for me. Believe it or not, you have to break most of your contact with her initially. She has think that you're not desperate and that you don't "need her". That's very hard; but also effective. It shows strength and woman are attracted to that. Remake yourself in any way that would make you more attractive to her and casually let her know you're making changes. get some new clothes. make yourself a bit more attractive and let her know that you're taking really good care of yourself in spite of being split up. That may arouse her curiosity as to what's going on with you. If you're doing the same old things as before she'll think you're exactly the same guy she broke up with. You don't want to be that guy. You want to be the guy she's attracted to. I would go online and do some searches on how to get her back. There's lots of good advice available and much of it is the exact opposite of what you may think you need to do. Good luck. Oh, and if it's over and you;re worried about just being alone, that will pass in time. It can be really bad emotionally, but it does pass and there IS a tomorrow. Believe me. I've been through it, and almost everyone I know has been through it and come out fine, and in many cases; even better than before. I'm no relationship expert, so seriously look up all of the advice you can. If you know anyone who has won back a lost love, talk to them; get some advice on how they went about it, but no matter what, DO NOT appear weak and needy. That's the last thing you want to do because it just shows desperation on your part, and women don't like that. You can express your love for her without appearing weak too. You just need to approach it in the right ways. Good luck my friend. Emotionally, it doesn't get much worse if you truly love this girl. I wish you the best. If it turns out that she really doesn't want you, don't take it personally. There could be other reasons that you're completely unaware of and that you may never get answers for. Sometimes, you may not even want to know the answers anyway. In time, you'll recover from this, grow, become WAY stronger emotionally; meet someone else and love again. There are billions of girls in this world and if you fell in love with one you can also fall in love with another. I've been asked if I ever found my "soul mate". The answer is "yes", quite a few of them; and I loved them all. There are many potential partners and there isn't just one girl for every guy or vice versa in this world. There are a multitude of potential partners out there for you and everyone else. I know that you may feel like your life is over, she's the only one for you, etc. I would tell you to just stop thinking that way but I know it isn't that simple. What you';re going through is a process and it takes time. It's actually a grieving process, but again, if she's still willing to keep in contact, that's not a bad sign. I just hope she isn't giving you any false hope, because that's a terrible thing to experience for anyone. Go online, get advice. Do it now. Take a deep breath and at least try and relax. Don't forget to eat and take care of yourself; even if you have to force it. Any physical symptoms you're having will also pass in time. Again, it's a process and you have to feel those feelings in order to get through them and deal with them. Don't try and bury them with alcohol or drugs because you're only postponing the inevitable; facing them. One drink won't kill you, but drowning your sorrows won't work. I've tried that too when I was younger and I only felt worse and prolonged the process by not dealing with it initially as I should have. i know better now, but we live and learn Come back here and report on how you're doing. You'll get support and encouragement if you need it. It won't solve all your problems right away but it's always good to know that you're not alone, that people do care and that you're not the only one who's ever gone through this. BTW, you WILL LIVE. I promise, so don't do anything crazy. Last edited by Betrade; 10-31-2009 at 10:11 PM. |
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11-01-2009, 01:53 AM
| #5 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: USA/Mississippi
Posts: 1,042
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(same thing i said in response to your other post on this topic, since i'd need to know how you answer these questions to give more advice.) breakup pain is really hard, i feel for you foxweasel. are you wanting advice on how to get her back or advice on how to feel better about where you find yourself? breakup pain does get better with time, taking care of ourselves, finding fun hobbies or spending time with friends. do you feel like you need to be in a romantic relationship to be happy? have you in the past been comfortable and happy with being single? |
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11-01-2009, 01:55 AM
| #6 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 7
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Sorry Rei like an idiot i didnt think my first post went up. rrr stupid me did it again now i look whiney lol. i dont mind being single. but i am in love with her and i want to be with her. she says she is in love with me but she cant trust me.
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11-01-2009, 01:59 AM
| #7 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: USA/Mississippi
Posts: 1,042
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you're not an idiot and you're not stupid. i refuse to acknowledge that part of your post. did you try to act out aggression with this person, like is she now worried you might try to hit her? or did you sleep with someone else? i won't lie to you, trust is very, very hard to rebuild. but not entirely impossible, as long as a person actually wants to give a second chance. if they don't want to give a second chance, well, there's not a whole lot we can do because it is their choice. i think the things Bertrade said to you are really helpful advice as well. |
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11-01-2009, 02:04 AM
| #8 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 7
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god no i would never cheat or hit her. i was just careless, she wanted to spend time with me and i was pre-occupied. i let her down on her birthday by not spending the whole day with her. bascially she was having a tough time and i wasnt there for her. i just messed up. i never and would never hit her. and you dont cheat on someone you love, i would have no right to post here had i dont either.
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11-01-2009, 02:10 AM
| #9 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: USA/Mississippi
Posts: 1,042
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yeah... women do tend to expect a partner to be there for them. especially if the partner has shown a past willingness to be there. we (women) tend to think that's important. i honestly don't know what to tell you. maybe she just needs some time, but i think it doesn't make sense for you to hold off on living your life in the meantime. she may find out how well you're doing and be curious and give you a call. i don't think it is very helpful to try and coerce or manipulate a woman into getting back with a guy. but some honesty would help, not neediness or desperation as those are totally unattractive, but speaking to her about how sorry you are, you know you made a mistake, and is there anything you can do to make it up to her? that may help, but be prepared for honest answers to honest questions. she may say 'no, there's nothing you can do. that ship has sailed' and you'll need to live with it. arguing with something like that or trying to convince a girl after that is probably not the best course of action. maybe this is an opportunity, sure it is painful but maybe it's what you need? would be hard to see it that way but it's possible. |
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11-01-2009, 02:21 AM
| #10 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 7
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I understand that, but she has come to my house and been intimate with me and then walked off. she has been to my parents house since we broke up and chatted with them. she said we could try and work things out, then she went home and changed her mind. i have been steadfast and clear from the start i am sorry and i want to make it right. Also i understand women need someone to be there for them, i am male not a machine i will make mistakes i will have hard times. there will be times when i am down. i wont get it right every time. i did my best to make it all as special as possible.
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11-01-2009, 02:27 AM
| #11 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 449
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It does sound like she has sent you some pretty mixed signals which have confused you and emotionally left you torn. IMO she hasn't gone about things in the best way here either, so you aren't the only one who messed up. It takes two. Maybe if you can express it to her in some way that you feel comfortable with, and let her know how it has affected you, she can know the mistake she has made. Break-up sex very rarely leads to any healthy outcome or happiness, it's just a human thing that people in love fall into the trap of doing which can only bring more pain and complications, as you are learning. If she tries to sleep with you again, it would be wise of you to either refuse her advances or at least get her to be honest about why she is doing it, and let her know that you aren't willing to be her personal yo-yo! |
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11-01-2009, 02:42 AM
| #12 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 7
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I do feel used, she knows i love her and i am sorry. same time i know we are here because of my mistakes. but arent we all allowed to suffer hard times, is it not the people who love us that are meant to stand by us and above all be the ones to try and understand and not give up, its not like i wasnt there for her at all in the last 2 months, it just i was under pressure and i messed up. but i would never give up on her. i know its easy for me to wax lyrical here because she cant respond. but i am being honest. she was the light in my day since we broke up i find it hard to enjoy anything. all i want is her back.
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11-01-2009, 03:11 AM
| #13 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 1,253
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It sounds to me like she really does care for you, and is just afraid. It's possible that you don't have to "get her back," you just have to let her come back. Right now you're fighting a battle you don't need to fight; you're trying to get her to understand how much you care. She obviously knows you care, and she knows she cares for you. You know you made mistakes, and you can freely admit those mistakes. You don't have to make promises you can't keep, and you don't have to say you'll never make mistakes again. Perhaps let her know that you are who you are, for better or worse, and that you care for her as she is. Ultimately she has to decide what she wants, and if you really love her then you'll want her to make that choice without feeling pressured by you. She can only be the girl you love if she makes this decision because it is right for her, and not because you coerced her or imposed on her. Accept her for whatever decision she is going to make. Right now it is probably you freaking out that is making her wary. Just let her know, in no uncertain terms, that you want her back but you are willing to accept whatever decision she comes out with. You don't have to convince her of anything, and you don't have to make it right. Let the past be the past, it's already over and you can't change it. You have everything you need to get her to come back, if you just stop focusing on all the crap that doesn't matter. At least that's my opinion.
__________________ We must conquer ourselves, and allow our selves to conquer the world. |
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11-01-2009, 01:18 PM
| #14 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 190
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There's lots of good advice here, especially the part about abstaining from sex with her fr now. I know all about that break up sex and it's the pits. Anyway, this is ultimately going to be up to her. it does sound like your getting mixed signals, but that's really not uncommon. Women can be very fickle. I really don't know what to say other than what's been said. You're in the 'wait and see" stage; which totally sucks emotionally, but it's something you'll still have to live with. Just try and be strong. Be honest with her about everything, but strong and not needy and/or desperate. Neediness is almost guaranteed to push her away. I really don't see how not being there for one day could lead to any serious breech of trust though. Cheating; yes. A no show?? I'm not sure. That's happened to everyone and sometimes there are valid reasons; even though you say you messed up that day. maybe you did, but I stiull don't see hwo that could ruin trust completely. But, I don't know either of you so I sure can't judge her emotions and trust issues. Hang Tough. Hope for the best; but you may have to prepare for the worst at some point; but not quite yet. It ain't over until it's over. If a woman wants to be with you, she'll be with you, so give it some time. Like the other poster said, you may have to allow her to come back, but she'll only do that if she truly wants to, and that's something that you may not be able to change. I feel for you. I've been there; and it's probably the worst type of emotional experience possible IMO. |
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11-01-2009, 02:24 PM
| #15 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 449
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Females do tend to over-react at times  Be strong, try to occupy your time in constructive ways, keep eating even if you don't feel like it or can't taste anything, force yourself to run around the block or any other form of exercise that will get your serotoninpumping. It really isn't the end of the world though it definately can feel like it...don't let it be the end of your world...noone is worth dying for...not even her.
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11-01-2009, 08:32 PM
| #16 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 190
| Quote:
I could easily say that she should have known that you had something else to do on her birthday, but you still made time to be with her FIRST. That's not the end of the world and she may be overreacting; depending on how bad it was and whether or not what you had to do was really important. But don't constantly blame yourself for 100% of what;s going on because it's almost certainly not true. It takes two to make ; or two two break it; and that applies to almost every case where there isn't blatant abuse or infidelity; so just at least try to go a little easy on yourself. I know how frustrating it is and in your head it makes perfect sense that she should just come back. I was once in the exact same situation and when my girlfriend told me that decided to come back (we were engaged for two years at that point BTW). I had just spent about 4500 bucks taking her to the Florida keys just three weeks earlier; so you can imagine how I felt about that. I was more hurt than pissed, but I can't imagine anyone deciding to break off an engagement in three weeks. I think she just wanted to go on that trip and I felt really used, because she never could have paid for a vacation like that. I freely gave everything I had to her because i loved her unconditionally. I actually would have died for that woman. I mean, I was in DEEP; probably too deep, but deep nonetheless. When she called and said she was coming home, I was the happiest guy in the world and truly believed that our crisis was over. BUT, then a little while later one of her girlfriends; who didn't care for me too much called and talked her out of it; and she left again; like; an hour after coming back. I couldn't believe it, and went from elated, to completely despondent and depressed in a moment. I was also mad that she was playing with my heart so carelessly; and it showed a side of her i had never seen before. That completely sucked; but i realized that anyone so fickle as to make such big decisions in a matter of minutes just can't be thinking straight; so I had no choice but to let her go. Those roller coaster rides are the pits and so are mixed messages. This girl called me and asked if we could just get together for sex once or twice a week, like friends with benefits. I told her at that pint :you just have no clue". I couldn't believe that she couldn't understand how much I truly loved her, and that my actions hasn't shown her that clearly over the years we were together. I was just in a state of shock over the whole thing. I was a mess truthfully. It took me a long time to get over that woman. That was 20 years ago, and I recently found out that she never married and never had any kids. That made me sad for her; because she would have been a great Mom. I actually feel sorry for her that she never found what she was looking for, and she's a bit old to be starting a family now. She's 46; single, no kids and no husband, but she could have had all of that; yet just walked away from the opportunity. OTOH, and here's where it gets very clear and why I'm SO glad it happened. Had I married her, and if she couldn't have kids (which I have very good reason to believe that she can't; and I'm almost certain that she never could; but din;'t know this at the time), then I wouldn't have my own kids now; who have been the absolute joy of my life, beyond any romantic relationships with women; although they too have been fantastic and rewarding, as well as hard in a few cases as well, but such is love. You always take a big risk when you completely throw your heart out there to someone. So what I thought was THE greatest tragedy of my life (and it was at the time; make no mistake) in hindsight was probably the greatest blessing I could have possibly ever received; and I'm very grateful and humbled that it happened. I also grew in ways I never would have had that trial never occurred. You just never know about these things, so if it does come to an end (and I honestly hope it doesn't IF she's truly right for you; because you CAN fully and completely love someone who isn't), just believe that it happened so that something better can come into your life; and that it will at some point. Just flow with it the whole process. I know your pain, I feel it and it stirs up a few old wounds just talking about it, but like I said, there IS a tomorrow. There's always a tomorrow and tomorrow is another opportunity to be whatever or whomever you want to, and to love someone as well; so never, EVER give up no matter how this plays out. The moment my first child was born was the happiest moment in my life; equal only to my second child being born. Had I stayed with that woman who I loved so much and was so devastated over, that likely never would have happened, so in a sense, I was taken from one situation (kickin' and screaming) and eventually placed into another that brought me unspeakable joy that nothing can ever take away from me; and for that. I am eternally grateful. These things happen every day to people everywhere. Know that you're not the Lone Ranger in this. There are millions of people walking around feeling just like you do; both male and female. These wounds heal, no matter how deep and how enormous they are right now, and they become more and more obscure as time passes. Eventually, you wonder why you ever made such a fuss, but that comes in time. Like I said, it's a process that you can handle, but please, don't blame yourself entirely. Own your part and let her own hers. It's not completely your fault. Everyone makes mistakes, including your GF, so don't take all of the responsibility. It's not your job to control the entire relationship, nor is it hers. It always takes two, and if you really think about it, you'll have to admit that she hasn't been perfect either; because none of us are, nor will we ever be. | |
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11-01-2009, 09:26 PM
| #17 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 1
| power of dreams
Please understand that what you experience in dreams is exactly same as what you expreince in real life. So start dreaming. and be with her in your dreams  Understand the nature of love Radha or Merra had for Krishna! Hope it helps.
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11-02-2009, 01:40 AM
| #18 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 449
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Betrade: I'm just wondering, from your post you said that you felt sorry for your ex, who has no kids and isn't married. Is it possible she is HAPPY not being married? Not everyone WANTS to get married or have kids. It may be the beez knees for you and that is your value system, and penultimate dream come true...but that doesn't mean it works for everyone. Do you actually know that she wants the same things you have? |
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11-02-2009, 02:07 AM
| #19 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 219
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Betrade, Thanks for sharing your story. It just shows how sometimes things happen that seem terrible at the time but later we see it in a whole new light. Beautiful story about your children. They are very lucky to have such a loving father! |
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11-02-2009, 01:48 PM
| #20 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 190
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She's been through lots of men since then and I wonder if any of them left her r because they wanted kids and she couldn't have them. I don't pity her life, I just feel bad that she missed out on being a parent when I know that she wanted to be one. Last edited by Betrade; 11-02-2009 at 01:52 PM. | |
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11-02-2009, 02:06 PM
| #21 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: the Netherlands
Posts: 2,246
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There are different options: - talk with her (face to face!) and make clear what it is you want / need. And listen very carefully what she wants / needs. And accept it if you want different things (i.e. no relationship). - give her space. Tell her you'll be out of her life for some time so she can decide what she wants. And tell her you'll contact her not before that period has passed. She may contact you earlier if she has decided, of course. What most certainly will not work is behave like a doormat, or being a needy, clingy guy. | |
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11-03-2009, 01:13 AM
| #22 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 7
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Hey all, listen thanks for your support and advice. Its really hard, i know i no longer matter to her really. She was worried til recently she might be pregnant after we slept together (we had gone through this every month for as long as we have been going out) and i was the only person she could talk to, which was hard becuase i knew she wasnt and deep down she knew it too, but i love her so of course i was there for her. i knew that once that time of the month came she would be fine and she wouldnt need me anymore. all of which has happened. I also got her a job through my uncle, she txt'd to say "thanks for all yr help". the last time i heard from her it was brief, and i havent heard from her since. I mean she has told me she has kissed two guys since we broke up. I couldnt even contemplate doing that, i would feel like i am betraying my love for her. i dont know what to think, she told me she loves me so much, but if she can kiss other people then does she really? i want the hurt to stop, i wanna stop thinking about her, i dont wanna look at my couch and remember when we used to sit there, or when we used to walk down my road. i just dont want to think about her anymore because i seriously doubt she is thinking about me.
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11-03-2009, 01:32 AM
| #23 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: USA/Mississippi
Posts: 1,042
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foxweasel, i know you care about this girl but she sounds a bit like a drama queen to me, if she had monthly moments of being worried she was pregnant. so maybe this break is actually a good thing, will help you - if you choose, of course - work through those issues that made you feel attracted to someone who is quick to create mountains out of molehills or look for conflict when things are fine. if you want something healthy, this will give you the time you need to nurse your wounds and reflect on what may have drawn you to that type of person. also sounds like she may not have much self-love, so maybe she didn't have as much love to share as many women who are in a stronger emotional place. and maybe self-love is a place you can start yourself, though i can't know whether that's true. in my experience with women, i think you will come to a place in life where you realize this breakup is a good thing. probably when you meet a woman who is healthy emotionally and won't do so much of that catastrophizing. i realize what i'm saying may bother you if you still feel protective of her. but if she has obviously moved on, this may be a way for you to begin to do the same. |
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11-03-2009, 04:22 AM
| #24 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 219
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Fox, It may be painful now, but taking baby steps can help you move beyond this. Do something every day for you that doesn't involve her or a memory of her. Get out and socialize, you might be surprised at who you'll meet!! You sound quite young and I am sure you have some great experiences ahead of you if you allow them in!!! This too shall pass... |
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11-03-2009, 06:38 AM
| #25 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 449
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If you stop and think, why was there any need for her to tell you that she's been kissing other boys, except to hurt you? I agree with rei, she sounds like a drama queen and pretty immature and inconsiderate of your feelings. She's treating you like you're her personal toy. Is that what you want? Young love can feel so real and hurt so much...but as everyone here has stated, there is a whole world out there waiting for you to join it...take your time, but remember that. |
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11-03-2009, 08:53 AM
| #26 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 449
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There's nothing wrong with wallowing for a time. It sounds like you are telling him, in your own way to just 'get over it'? Is this what you are meaning Spirit? I'm sure everyone will agree that it isn't that easy in matters of the heart. It's a bit harsh IMO. He's a young guy in first love...cut him some slack! This isn't emotional growth boot camp! Besides, his last post didn't sound too wallowy. He sounded alot better than when he first posted. Last edited by blossom; 11-03-2009 at 09:03 AM. |
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11-03-2009, 10:37 AM
| #27 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: the Netherlands
Posts: 2,246
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@blossom, in a sense all life is an emotional bootcamp .I'm not telling OP what to do or not to. I am interested to hear what he did so far with the advice. And what his next step is, be it wallowing or something else. |
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11-03-2009, 11:24 AM
| #28 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 449
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O.k, I can see that, and I agree LIFE is emotional bootcamp, but we aren't the generals! I think a certain amount of wallowing, especially since it has only been a few days, is not only normal but probably necessary. And who's to say when one person 'SHOULD' stop wallowing...you? Everyone gets over their stuff in their own perfect time according to their own individual personalities and capacity to cope with life and it's lessons. He may not know what his next move is? I can see why you are interested to know, so that you feel like the time and energy you invested in this person is having a positive outcome, and it wasn't a waste of your resources. I'm just saying, it might not be realistic to expect that of him just yet? Last edited by blossom; 11-03-2009 at 11:28 AM. |
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11-03-2009, 12:02 PM
| #30 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 449
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I never said that you did say FW 'should' stop wallowing...only that you had implied that they were still wallowing and it seemed to bother you, so you wanted to know what he was going to do about it rather than wallow. Is that more accurate?
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