Drama triangle?

[tk421]

Hi everyone,
Though I have only just joined, this site and forums have been invaluble over the past few years in my growth as a human being, so before I start, Thankyou.

Well, to start this off, I have always been able to solve my own problems through observation of others and being able to admit when I am wrong, not sure that it means anything but these are the words my brain is coming up with so please bare with me.

This is the first time I have felt at a loss and really could do with some advice...to shorten a long and complicated story it involves two of my friends and myself.
They married recently after knowing each other for just over a year, she is my ex and he has become almost like a brother to me, strange I know but oh well.
Anyhow things have been going bad for them for a while now and he has lost 2 jobs in the space of 4 months, now it's not like he is a bad person, its just that he has had a very difficult childhood and unconfident but is also very intelligent and coming from a small town to a big city must be a cultural working shock especially one like London.

Now she wants to leave him or at least take a break and I have been helping him find a job...I feel as if I'm missing my initial point here but she is a wonderful person but can be very critical and he is intelligent but unconfident and nervous at times of confrontation.
I have tried to be as constructive as possible between them both helping him with his CV's, cover letters and possible jobs in the hope that he will pick up a few good (ish I hope) habits but also got him to do some and to question what he did rather than directly point out or criticise and also point out when she is a little too aggresive in her opinions.

Another friend of mine told me I was a rescuer and I did some research on this and I fear that I am part of their problem, have I been too supportive of them in their times of need (housing, money, advice etc) and have I become too involved?
I really want him to do well and if he has to go back home I fear he won't have support there also I want her to be at peace and not worrying over things that havent happened yet.

There is more to this but I'm sure I've rambled on too much already.

Thankyou

[Hatred4Scammers]

Yes. You have involved yourself too much. I know you are trying your best to help them but perhaps, the best way to help them is to allow them to solve their own problems?

[tk421]

Thanks for the reply.
Now things are worse, she has told me she loves me, I can't do that, I don't think of her like that and now I feel like she'll feel like i'm abondoning her (or on her side) if I become firm with her, though I have already told her no it won't happen but I havent been harsh with her yet though that may be the only way to get her to see sense.
Either way I feel like I'm going to be right b@$?@#d, none of us have close relatives which I think magnifies the situation.
She has threatened me that if I break contact she will send him back home, I feel sick of always shouldering responsibility.

Don't get me wrong he has made a few errors of judgment early in their relationship, he stole money from her but he now regrets that and came clean with her but she already has trust issues.

I know these are their problems but she always expects me to "fix" things and without sounding selfish I have been having probelms with funding for my college course and need to work on my own projects and am neglecting these in favour of helping them out, I just don't have the strength right now.

[CoolBee]

You know what you have to do.
It feels cruel but it is not.
Forcing people to stand on their own 2 feet is good.
You know what it always says in those safety ads on planes? If you have to help someone with their oxygen masks - FIT YOUR OWN FIRST. You'll be no good to man nor beast if you don't work on your own issues right now, and believe me, she will be off emotionally-vampiring on someone else before you know it.

PS I don't believe for one minute she loves you - she probably thinks you have some kind of lingering love for her and will fall for it. DONT.

[marinik]

Originally Posted by CoolBee

You know what you have to do.
It feels cruel but it is not.
Forcing people to stand on their own 2 feet is good.
You know what it always says in those safety ads on planes? If you have to help someone with their oxygen masks - FIT YOUR OWN FIRST. You'll be no good to man nor beast if you don't work on your own issues right now, and believe me, she will be off emotionally-vampiring on someone else before you know it.

PS I don't believe for one minute she loves you - she probably thinks you have some kind of lingering love for her and will fall for it. DONT.

Have almost nothing to add, totally agree.

When ever I have intervened in this way with close friends, I who was the one blamed in the end so I stopped. I became a Life Coash

[tk421]

Thank you both for your replies, they make absolute sense and tonight they both came round and when he had left the room she asked me if I "hated her" after what she told me the other night and I replied that "I don't want to talk about it, not now" which gave her the the jist, I will explain it to her at a better moment, we have enough of a verbal short hand for it to make sense until then.

I didn't want any drama or for him to get caught in any crossfire, they left earlier than usual (her request) and she seemed a little stand offish but not argumentative.

I wouldnt say she was emotionally vampiric, I've known people like that and she doesnt quite fit the type but she can get cold and aggresive at times and can be quick to criticise, only people who are real close though (boyfriends) also why would she be testing me? and don't fear I would never go back, it was a hard and necessary decision when we broke up (divorced) which has only helped me grow since.

I do feel that even we had broken up a couple of years ago there were parts of our relationship that didn't change and maybe because I know what she can be like if you have "failed" in someway I feel protective over him and don't want him to take what she says to heart as if he is all wrong, it can be easy to believe the propaganda as it where.

Just got a text from her, thanking me for tonight (Halloween dinner and movie) ...hope she's not being sarcastic after what I said to her

I do feel a little mixture of hope and sadness right now which is better than I have felt in a week, I haven't even carved my Pumpkin this year

I will maintain a friendly distance and I know it will be hard as I feel others pain quite acutely at times and since a child have always been "fixing" things.

Happy Halloween