Relationships with divorcees

[stripysweatergirl]

Around two years ago, I began a relationship with a divorced dad of three. I was 20, and he was 36 and had been divorced for around 2 years. His children were 8, 6 and 5.

He had shared custody of his children, and they came to stay with him one day and night every weekend. He worked away many days during the week and his ex-wife would not let him in the house, so he had to make do with phone calls every night.

At first the relationship was great. He would cook me amazing meals, send flowers to my workplace, promise me amazing holidays and generally swept me off my feet. I thought it was sweet that he was so loving towards his children- everything he did was for them, and he involved me in their lives straight away. Things got serious very quickly, and I practically moved in after around a month.

He would tell me about his relationship with his ex-wife. She was a complete bitch- divorced him for no reason, treated him badly and withheld access to the children whenever she was dissatisfied- which she often was due to my presence.

Over time, though, I began to see cracks in this story. While she didn't seem like the nicest woman in the world, I stopped believing that she had left him for no reason. They were at least as bad as each other. His jealousy and possessive nature drove me mad. I couldn't speak about male friends I had had for years, or any men in work. He constantly accused me of cheating with everyone I met or everyone who looked at me. If he could not find evidence of it, it was because I was good at hiding it. He said that since I was so much younger than him, I must certainly be looking for a younger man.

His ex-wife was a nightmare. She would drive to the house when she knew I was alone there and sit outside in her car. She was a policewoman and would check my car tax and tyres. She would say that the children could not come round if I was there, and her whole family pretended I didn't exist.

In addition, I came bottom of his list of priorities. Of course, his children came first. This is absolutely right- I would not expect any man to put anything above his children on his list of priorities. But this still irked me on occasion. Not one holiday that he promised me, or even night away, ever materialised because it would interfere with the children's visits. Our nights would be ruined by a bad phone call to his children. He would always have the children on any special occasions, including Valentine's day and our birthdays. Day-to-day, I was shown no consideration when my needs differed to theirs.

After 15 months, I had had enough. In February this year, I finished it and have never been so sure of anything in my life. Except that never again would I be in a relationship with a divorced man.

Divorced men, for me, come with far too much baggage. In addition to the jealousy and ex-wife, this does include the children. I do want my own children. But, until that time, I want someone who's going to put me first.

This also applies to age gaps. I will never again have such a big age gap. My boyfriend is 8 years older than me, and that seems about right. I tend to find that men over 30 are single for a reason. Either they are divorced, or they are playboys who never could settle down. And neither are right for me.

There is one caveat to this story- the only time I would consider a relationship with a divorcee would be if I were divorced myself, and therefore carried the same baggage.

Perhaps I just got a bad one, and not all divorced men are the same. I don't mean to imply this so, if you are divorced, please don't take offence. (You probably wouldn't want to be in a relationship with me either )

I suppose this has come about off the back of Steve's impending divorce, but I'd be interested to hear other people's thoughts on it. Would you have a relationship with a divorcee, or people with children? What if those children would be coming to live with you? How do you feel about age gaps?

[shasah]

I can understand why you would be gun shy, but I don't think the guy being divorced, a father, or older had anything to do with it. Possessiveness, jealousy and selfishness appear to be the problems. I agree that a man should put his kids first, after all, as a woman, I put my kids first. Sounds like this guy used it as an excuse for everything.

The other problem that I see is that you moved too fast. A month is not long to get to know a person. Take a little longer next time. It could save you a lot of heartache.

[stripysweatergirl]

I know things moved too fast, I've definitely learned my lesson from that.

I think the jealousy and possessiveness came about a result of being divorced. He thought I was going to leave him because his wife left him- his experience with women had not been good so it affected the way he conducted his relationships.

Having children was not a direct cause of the end of the relationship, because I liked them and they liked me. I miss them more than I miss him. But I don't want to be in another relationship with someone who has children.

[spirit4711]

Originally Posted by stripysweatergirl

...
I think the jealousy and possessiveness came about a result of being divorced. ..

Maybe he was possessive and jealous which was the reason for his ex to divorce him? In other words, you seem to hold the divorce part responsible while that is merely the effect, not the cause.

Furthermore, most of us have been in relationships even though it wasn't marriage, and have experienced break-ups. Marriage is no more than an offical, legalized relationship.

A relationship with a partner with kids is more complicated than without kids, I agree with that.

[stripysweatergirl]

Perhaps I put too much information about the circumstances that led to the break up of that relationship. I'm more interested in hearing about how others feel about having a relationship with someone who is divorced and their reasons for that, rather than analysing the reasons I had for coming to my decision.

[Holistic Star]

It would depend on how long ago the divorce was and how raw the emotions were. I wouldn't rule out someone who was divorced if was dating, just as I wouldn't rule out someone who had previously had a long-term live in relationship.

I would want to know what they had learned about themselves from their marriage, what their relationship with their ex was. How much unresolved emotion was there.

I think it is a very individual thing and would depend on the people involved. If after 2 years someone was still very bitter towards their ex, that would be a big red-flag for me. If after 2 years it was all their ex's 'fault', again I would be wary. There's two sides to everything. If they talked about their ex a lot and in particular compared me to her then I would be out. That's even if they said things like 'You're so much better than my ex, she would do X and you do Y'. (Been there, done that, it doesn't work!)

I would take it very slowly, particularly where children were involved. I wouldn't want to meet the children for several months after beginning dating incase it didn't work out.

I would be vary wary about being the 'rebound' relationship too.

[TheColonel]

Your post was interesting to me. I'm a divorced father of one, and I'm 40. I've dated several 20-somethings since my divorce 16 months ago.

One thing I've learned is that every person is different and brings a different set of benefits/challenges to the relationship dynamic. I made a conscious decision at the start that I would have an abundance mentality when dating this time.

In practical terms, that means I decided what qualities I wanted in a woman, and I won't accept anything less. The two main personality traits I'm looking for are: Down-to-earthness and non-neediness.

After the initial "good behavior" phase of the relationship, it's been interesting to me to see the true colors come out. This is stuff I always missed or ignored when I was in my 20s. Someone told me that there are little 'flags' or indicators at the start of any relationship that'll tell you what to expect down the road.

I've decided what's acceptable for my son and me, and what's not. When I see precursors to unacceptable behavior, I end it and move on.

There are guys out there for you who aren't governed by fear and anger. My advice would be to focus on finding what you want in a guy. Best of luck

[stripysweatergirl]

Originally Posted by TheColonel

There are guys out there for you who aren't governed by fear and anger. My advice would be to focus on finding what you want in a guy. Best of luck

I do have a partner now, and the relationship is very good. We took it more slowly! He is not divorced and doesn't have children. When my relationship with the divorcee ended, it was absolutely the right time to let go and I have never regretted it. It helped me make the decision I have about the people I would have relationships with in future.

[Betrade]

If I were younger, I may consider getting involved with a woman with kids; but that would depend on the woman and what type of relationship we had. I actually married someone with two. But now, I'm older and if the kids are grown, it wouldn't be that a big deal, but I'm done raising small kids.

I've been with several women going through divorce. One of the divorces was a bit ugly, the other wasn't that big a deal because there were no kids involved. Every case is different. You can't really judge all divorced people based on one experience; you can only judge your experience with that particular guy. It sounds like you just got hooked up with a really insecure and jealous guy, and he may have been that way before he was married or became a father.

If his wife cheated on him, then maybe that's where the trust issues come form; OR, HE may have cheated on her, and that could be where they come from. That does happen because people who know that they're capable of cheating find it very easy to assume that anyone can and/or will at some point.

It's really hard to say without knowing all of the facts, and it sounds like this particular guy wasn't completely honest with you to begin with.

I was dating a girl a few years ago and before we did anything whatsoever (before our first date), I said to her; "Lemme" tell all about all of my red flags and baggage". I was married for years and have two kids. I basically said something like

"I was married for 12 years and have four kids, two of my own and two step kids that I raised. The separation has been ugly at times; my financial situaton sucks at present because most of what I make goes to the ex wife and kids."

She asked me if had had cheated on my wife and I told her "no; never did, never would". I told her I'm not the jealous type but I do need someone I can trust because my wife DID cheat on me. That was pretty much it. I then answered every question she asked me completely honestly. There's no point in hiding what will come out eventually anyway; at least, that's the way I see it.

I think if people would just admit that they have issues (who doesn't??) and get them out in the open from the start; it's easier on everybody and may even save everyone involved some pain and suffering, or at the very least; wasted time.

When I said "red flags"; I meant reasons that she may want to reconsider getting involved with me because of the situation I was in at the time. I gave her every opportunity to back out, and she respected that. In fact, she was very impressed I think. I felt that that was only fair and I still believe that this is the best approach. Lies and deception only lead to more lies and deception.

It didn't work out between us, but neither she or I had any hard feelings either because she knew up front what she was getting into. There were basically no surprises and we're still friends because neither of us did anything wrong toward one another.

But, I'm basically a very honest person; but not everyone is. It sounds like the dude you get involved with just wasn't. maybe he wasn't even honest with himself. Some of his issues probably had nothing to do with you personally.

Also, if someone has kids, they usually love those kids more than anything or anybody. Many married men can attest to going from "first" to "second" after the kids come along and it commonly applies to men as well.

Honestly, there's no woman on this earth I'll ever love more than my kids, and if they can't handle that, oh well. It's a completely different type of love, but it runs very deep. That doesn't mean that I can't fully love a woman; not at all, but if it came to saving my girlfriends life or my kids, I would let the girlfriend die first. That sounds cold, but like I said; I'm honest; sometimes to a fault.

That type of scenario is highly unlikely to ever happen and I'll probably never have to choose between allowing my kids or girlfriend to die; or have make that choice; but I would lay down my life for my kids. I would have done the same for their mother at one time as well.

Lots of people "over 30" as you said are single for lots of different reasons too. It's not as cut and dry as you may think.Personally; I would be very hard pressed to actually marry anyone again because I have no reason to. I'm definitely not fathering anymore kids, so why should I legally bind myself to anyone again?? It's just too hard and too costly to get out of IMO; and the courts are set up in a way that favors women. No offense, but that's just the way it is. If they made marriage as hard to get into as it is to get out, the divorce rate would probably plummet.

But overall, a divorce where kids are involved is just a messy; or at the very least; complicated situation by nature, no matter how "nice" (or not) the parents are toward one another. The baggage is there simply because of what took place and it's almost impossible to just pretend it isn't.

One in particular dear friend of mine is divorced with two kids; who are now grown. She also has her own baggage, and for some reason, the men she has gotten involved with haven't appreciated or loved her enough to marry her.

She's one of the few people I know who can relate to my own marriage/separation/divorce experience and "gets it". It's hard to fully understand until you've been there. In my position, it's been kinda' hard to find someone willing to accept me and my kids.

It's really no different with men than it is with women when the children live with the man or spend a great deal of time with their father. It's the same exact scenario and it can be hard for single fathers to find women willing to take on kids and an ex wife. It's not that surprising when you think about it.

When you get seriously involved with ANYONE; their problems become your problems, so many people choose not to take on more problems. It's usually not personal, it's just a matter of convenience vs inconvenience and whether or not someone really loves another person enough to take on those kinds of challenges.

I guess you should just be glad you didn't marry the guy and become his second ex wife.