Rant: What do you mean when you say "marriage"?

[Cyllya]

I feel like any discussion about marriage suffers from a problem of definitions. There are three separate things people refer to as "marriage," and not only do they never specify which one they're talking about, they seem to lump them all together.

1: An institution in certain religions. Simplified, it's what you need to do to be able to have sex and make babies without committing too much of a sin. In a country like the USA, where there is a separation of church and state, the government/law has nothing to do with this. If you're not a member of an applicable religion, this is completely inconsequential to you, though you may use some traditions anyway, e.g. wedding (similar to non-Christians celebrating Christmas).

2: The legal institution. It's sort of the government's way of recognizing two otherwise unrelated people as family members. In the USA, there are over 1000 Federal laws that affect legally married couples specifically. It has nothing to do with the church or God; you don't have to be a member of a certain religion. This is what gay people are fighting for the right to have.

3: Long-term sexual/romantic partnership. Generally when people talk about this as marriage, they mean monogamy with a lifetime commitment, but that's not necessarily what it has to be. Unlike the other two, this isn't actually an official definition of the word marriage, but it's probably the first thing people think of when you say marriage. (Ask a married person why they got married. They probably won't give you their reason for getting a marriage license.)

Now, all these things are heavily related (#2 and #3 evolved out of #1, if you want #1 your pastor may require you to get #2, once upon a time you had to get #1/#2 to have #3 because it was unacceptable to have sex outside of marriage, the whole point of #2 is to facilitate a life partnership[#3], some places have common law marriage, etc.), but they are three different things. You can have any one or two of these without getting the other(s). If you want one of them, you should put conscious thought into whether it actually makes sense to get the other two. If you're going to discuss marriage in any way, you need to clarify which of these things you're talking about, or the discussion is pretty useless.

Furthermore, you can conceivably be life partners (live together, pay off the mortgage together, raise kids together, etc) without having any of the above, which may also be relevant in a marriage-related discussion.

Another concern is what other people think of your relationship. (Steve and others have complained that getting married make people put them in the "marriage box," and couples will find that their lifetime romantic commitment is not taken seriously if they do not call themselves married.) As easy as it is to say you shouldn't care about what other people think, I feel it's a valid concern. BUT I figure there are more practical ways to affect people's perception of you than to get or avoid a marriage license. For example, if you have a wedding or wedding-like party, wear a ring on a certain finger, and call each other husband and wife, won't people think of you as married whether you have a marriage license or not? So long as you disclose your legal marital status when it's relevant, I'm pretty sure there's no rule against that. (You should probably tell the truth in casual conversation if it comes up. I doubt anyone will mind. I always thought of my mom and step-dad as married and wasn't offended or anything when I found out they technically weren't.)

So... get a religious marriage if your religion tells you to (or you want the priest at your wedding the same way you'd want a clown at your kid's birthday party, whatever), get a legal marriage because those 1000+ laws make your life easier, be romantic partners because you're in love with each other.

[ssandra]

Thank you for writing this!

I agree with you. Most of the time when I talk about marriage I talk about #2, just the legal paper (a signature on a worthless piece of paper). I also say that I didn´t marry my husband out of love. I married him because then we could stay together here in Europe. I am with him for love...

So.. thank you for this clarification and from now on when talking about marriage people can simply refer to #1, #2 or #3

[openeyes]

Originally Posted by ssandra

Most of the time when I talk about marriage I talk about #2, just the legal paper 3

Same here. For me right now, marriage would mean that if my girlfriend and I wanted to do Peace Corps together, we could, and if we were to end up teaching at a public school in Korea, we could share housing rather than be provided with separate housing, and we could share insurance when we're in the US. Later, when we're at different stages in our life, it would have new benefits. For anyone netting six figures though, many of the benefits may no longer be there.