Inviting Helpful Perspectives On Divorce With Kids

[ehillis]

The Separation post was easily the most shocking thing for me in three years of reading Steve's blog. I was raised with the understanding that once a couple decides to have kids, they have turned their marriage into something bigger than themselves and have the responsibility to stay together and make it work at least until the kids have grown up and moved out. I understand that this may be a flawed perspective, and I'd love to hear what other people think about divorce with kids.

To take care of the disclaimers, I have never been married and do not have kids and so don't have first hand experience with any of this. I am young and therefore probably relatively unwise in this area. I do not wish to project onto Steve and Erin's relationship. I do not know them personally, but respect them both very much and see them as highly intelligent people who I'm sure have made the right decision for them. It just challenged my personal view that I grew up with and I'd like to understand the other perspective.

I can easily see how two conscious people could both be more conscious and happy as a result of separation, but I have trouble understanding how the two people would make this decision from the kids' perspective. (I understand and respect that Steve and Erin don't want to share specifics about their kids, and have probably received more input than they care to process, so lets keep it to the more general issue and understanding a lack of perspective that I bet others share. If anyone has had parents separate their input would be awesome as well.)

[ssandra]

I am married without children, my parents are married (obviously with children). They have never seperated.

With this background out of the way...

I personally believe that children are much happier with 2 happy parents living in different houses then 2 unhappy fighting parents living in the same house.

I love the idea of for example the children having the house and mom and dad moving between that house and another, especially when the children are still young (lets say, less then 14 years old).
This provides the stablity that children need, yet gives freedom from the marriage that the parents need.

I do think that if you have children you should try just that little bit harder to make it work. You cannot just give up. You have to fight for your marriage (not IN your marriage). of course, if one of the partners is abusive, you have to get out asap and take the children with you.

[spirit4711]

My parents have divorced. In the opinion of my siblings and me much too late. It was a relief when they finally announced it.

I am divorced myself too. My ex and I parted as friends, which was not always easy but it was our intention and we reached that goal. We both are happier now and so are our kids.

I've seen bad divorces and bad marriages as well with family and friends. That has much more impact on kids than an amicable divorce.

I do not believe in staying together for the kids (like my parents did). I do not believe in trying harder to make the marriage work because of the kids. You either make it work or you don't. Kids are not entitled to two parents in the same house (and don't need that either). They are entitled to loving parents who help them grow up in the best possible way. There's no 'one size fits all' model.