Feeling really depressed in college

[misscheerios2]

Hello Community,

I am so happy to have found this site. I really need some advice. I am a first-year student at an expensive private college 300 or so miles from home. My parents threatened me to make a certain choice in schools (I wanted to go somewhere closer to home). Now I am at the preferred school and have been unhappy ever since. I have been grappling with some serious issues in my life including a divorce with my parents, a nasty step-mother, a brother with awful behavioral problems that affect the family, etc. I miss my friends and my boyfriend, who has come a few times to visit and support me but it's not the same.

I am doing ok academically, but I hate the environment. The people here are snobbish and then get wasted on weekends, which I don't. It's a tiny school, and I feel overwhelmingly isolated. I have joined some groups but it hasn't helped much. I don't fit in at all, even though I've always been pretty social...I'm struggling badly here. Every minute is slowly wasting away for me. I'm also have a lot of trouble concentrating on my work. I was always a good student, but now I find myself struggling like never before. I have counseling here and was diagnosed with short term depression that'll last a few years. I'd never guess that'd be me! I feel like I worked all my life for college (I had credentials, blah blah honors), and it's not what I needed now that I'm here.

I just want to leave and go to community college so I can calm down, then transfer. Or just transfer now to another school. I knew being this far from home would be an issue, and I miss just regular nice people (I'm sick of snobbishness). I know it would make all the difference to not feel isolated. What should I do?

[The Big D]

I always feel so bad reading these posts because for so many people college is the happiest time of their lives.

Have you considered getting wasted on the weekends? Or perhaps more conservatively one weekend a month. It's apparently working for them...

Have you thought about getting out of the long distance relationship? Those are a real bummer.

One reason to go away to school is so you can stop defining yourself in terms of your family. The whole "failure to launch" thing is ugly. Is that why your parents made you go away to school? If so, they may have done you a favor.

What's the root of the snobbish issue? Are you poorer than the average student by a big degree? Is it just an attitude thing?

[misscheerios2]

I have the money like the other kids, but the snobbishness is not in my personality. Also, my parents wanted me to go there because of the name...they want a certain path for me. Honestly, I don't know what I want anymore. Pre-med was my track and it's stressful already.

[The Big D]

Do you mind naming the school? I'm just curious.

Do you want to be a doctor?

[nutella2]

Sorry you're going through this. Some suggestions:
If you're not doing sport, start doing it, optimally to music you love if it's not a team sport. Ideally several times a week minimum. Give it a few weeks - it should help.
Consider meditation/yoga too - see if there are any groups around. If you are artistically inclined, see if there are art or photography studios you could get involved in. Or a writing group. Or something musical.
There are a lot of other people at college who are having a hard time, it's very common. Take off at the weekend if you can - get away from the college environment. Plan a trip. If it doesn't work out too well at college right now, it won't be too late to do something else that makes you more happy further down the line. It'll work out.
Try St Johns Wort (hypericum) for the depression, if you don't want to take traditional antidepressants. It's good.
Keep up things you enjoy, and try and find new ones. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Talk it out as much as you can. It's going to be OK. You have a lot on your plate. It makes sense you're finding things tough.
Don't worry about your concentration too much. Work in small bursts and don't give yourself a hard time about it. You didn't ask to feel like this.
If you can, try and look consciously for things that you are grateful in your life. When you feel really low, it can help. It can be the simplest stuff.
Consider doing voluntary work in the community - when I was low at college I got involved in visiting elderly people who were lonely - it really helped, and meant I missed my own grandparents less.
Also, if you love animals, see if there are any animal shelters or anything like that you can volunteer at.

Take care :-)

[Riddle]

If you still feel like this at the end of the academic year, then I would consider moving to another college, I'm sure your parents only want you to be happy.

[wolverine]

I had a huge downswing during the middle of highschool (depression, bipolar symptoms etc), and the thing I found most important, absolutely critical to getting out of it was this:

Believe in yourself!

You've been told that you're going to have this depression for a few years and you're just going to accept that and live with it? When I realised that I was depressed, I basically said '**** this, I'm not staying like this'. Who was anyone to tell me that I couldn't change? And yes, I tried and failed many many times (self harm, including emotionally hurting others sometimes), but with the support of one of my closest friends at the time, I just keep trusting and believing that I wasn't a **** person, that I knew I remembered times when I was happy and content before so why shouldn't I be again? You're worth it. Your situtation may be awful, and it sounds like it, honestly; I'm another of those anti-snob people. But even now, you already sound like you're looking at options, feeling out the waters as it were. That's awesome! Keep it up, try some of the suggestions mentioned earlier for getting the chemicals out of your system that are pulling you down (exercise, arts etc) and find a counsellor that doesn't label you but supports you in your efforts to make the best of your life.

Many, many hugs to you! You've got a tough path to follow but damn well follow it and find a life you enjoy living, whether that means changing the situtation drastically (eg, moving colleges) or changing it internally to better fit you and the person you want to become as you become a proper adult.

Good luck!


Wolverine

[suddentwist]

Ah yes. I had a very similar experience in University - except the other way around. I wanted to go to a University that was far far away from my parents and everyone I knew, but my parents did not allow it. I could have gone and they would have been angry and disappointed, but I also knew at the time that they would get over it. Still, I complied with their wishes. Why? I always wanted to do what made them happy. I wanted them to be proud of me.

So, I went to a University about an hour away by car. Not very far by Canadian standards. I remember the first week there - orientation week. My god was it awful. I was upset that I didn't get to go to the University of my choice and in a way that stopped me from enjoying what was going on around me. It also didn't help that I was naturally a bit on the quieter side. I did everything alone during orientation week and most of the time, all I could think about was how I wish I had gone to the far away University. My entire first year of University was rather average. I even tried to get wasted with the rest of the people in my residence, but couldn't connect to anyone. If I couldn't connect with anyone when I was drunk, how was I going to connect to people when I was sober? I ended up displacing myself from my life at school.

Fortunately (or unfortunately) I had bought myself a car at the end of high school. This car was put to immensely good use during my first year of University. If you look at the map of a Canadian Province, you will realize just how big most of them are (I'm talking about Ontario and Quebec here). I pretty much explored every city in those two provinces. Yeah, didn't leave much time of actually being AT the University. I failed. Every single class.
That's when I pulled myself together. I felt like I was rebelling against my parents, but really I was only doing myself harm. I would be the one left with the debt, not my parents. I realize that money and attendance most likely isn't your issue here, but I think I have a point, so just bare with me.

It was when I decided that I will try to make the most out of what I had at the moment, that I began to see changes. Yes, you miss your friends and your comfortable surroundings, but that's almost expected. Many people go through a serious case of homesickness during their first year of University. I remember my roommate crying some nights because she missed her home which was about 20 hours away by car. I really think that if you decide to let go of the "anger" you have towards being where you are, you will see the good of your situation. Your school, although snobbish, is probably a very good one. Instead of thinking how unlucky you are that you were forced to go to a school far away, think rather that you are lucky to have the opportunity of attending such a great school. For the moment occupy your time with other things. You mentioned you joined some groups - get more deeply involved. Join others if the ones you're in aren't working. Join a language club, usually you find pretty interesting people there. Let go of what you had and concentrate on what you have right now. Work with that. If you do that, and it really doesn't get better by the end of your first year, then, although I am very vary of saying this, perhaps the place really isn't right for you. I don't usually like to say such things because I think that if people decide to look just at the positive things of their situation, they can turn their thoughts and ultimately their feelings around.

Personally, I stuck to my University. At the end of the first year, did I wish I would have gone to my choice University? Yes. Now, 5 years later, do I still wish that? No. I let go of the past and built a better present because of that. If I had to do it all over again, I would still do it this way, because the lessons I learned from going through the hard days have been incredibly useful in the long run. It just sucks in the present, I know.

All the best to you!

[ar81]

Originally Posted by misscheerios2

Hello Community,

I am so happy to have found this site. I really need some advice. I
I just want to leave and go to community college so I can calm down, then transfer. Or just transfer now to another school. I knew being this far from home would be an issue, and I miss just regular nice people (I'm sick of snobbishness). I know it would make all the difference to not feel isolated. What should I do?

Well, first of all, when I was your age, I also had a hard time.
I survived, so I am confident you will too.
I know what it is to have a messy family and to have snobs around too.
I had that at your age too.
You have my support!!

Later, when I have more time I will pass you some tips to make things better for you.

[WorkitSmart]

I feel for you.. My 20 year old daughter is off in Germany finding her way so I understand.

First, pls. ignore the advice about getting wasted. That is never a long-term answer.. and all you'll do is create more trouble for yourself and get even more depressed. Geez.

I'm just going to put a few things out there that helped my daughter when she was confused and unhappy.

Counseling - google counseling for your area and see if there is a place you can go to begin processing the tremendous upheaval in your life.. your parents' divorce to name one.

Volunteer - help out needy kids, the homeless, go anywhere you might have a 'heart' for giving. You'll feel good.. and make new friends.

Church - even if you're not into it, you'd be amazed at the awesome youth groups that the churches have going today. Pick a progressive church with a big youth ministry and you'll find lots of support.

Good luck sweetie..

[minervana]

If you want to leave, then leave. Going to college for no reason is not a good use of your time. Who cares what your parents think?

You're not alone in your alienation. You might like to read What's the Matter With College? by Rick Perlstein, who describes what you're describing.

I wrote an essay awhile ago on the Importance of Education. It's not so much about college, but it's how the education system works, which might be useful to you.

You might find that you're more interested in some kind of trade, like woodwork or forestry. You might also like the book \The Uncollege Alternativ] about possible alternatives.

[Hatred4Scammers]

I just want you to know, that things will definitely look up but only if you choose to allow to see thing things can possibly look up. The people around you might be snobbish but perhaps you can try to look past the snobbish exterior? And I definitely agree with a poster above that you should think about your long-distance relationship. They sometimes tend to do more harm than good.

I think your parents sent you away because they know that an expensive, private school would be good for you. I know you are wondering how it can be good for you- but it will help you learn to be less dependant on your parents. And, it could be an eye-opening experience, you can learn to cope with a new environment. It will be difficult at first, you are experiencing difficulty already but in the end, I assure you, it will be a great learning experience and you will be glad you received it. And, the school you are at is prestigious and well-known amongst the rich circles, yes? Do you have a roommate? Perhaps, you can talk and get to know your roommate? Or anyone who happens to dorm nearby? It will be difficult but I sincerely believe you should stay. It really "is" a great learning experience to be away from parents and familiar people. You learn that you should rely on yourself and that others cannot always be there for you. If after your first semester or first year is up and you still feel horribly lonely, then do your best to convince your parents that you wish to study closer to home. You are currently making the best of your situation but you still feel very lonely, I really think you need to try your hardest to approach others and make some friends in order to ease the loneliness. I just want you to remember, your childhood friends and your parents will not be by your side forever. Best of luck.

[bluedragon]

Do not be afraid to leave, if you can, and use whatever advantages you can.

When I finished highschool, I thought I wanted to become an aeronautics engineer and design jet planes and spaceships. I hoped I would one day be able to fly the planes I would create. So I got accepted to INSA de Lyon, one of the most prestigious engineering university in Europe. After 2 weeks, I came back to Romania. That university was just not for me, and I wasn't meant to be an engineer. I didn't want to spend my next 5 years crunching numbers and equations. The funny thing is that 4 of the Romanian people who left with me, also came back within 1 year. Only 1 girl has stayed, and he is now in her 3rd year, but she's pretty unhappy, although she believes in the long term, life in France can be better than back home. And she was GOOD at math, she loved what she was doing.

I recommend you to listen to your heart, but also to logic, but in any case, be very clear about what you want in the long term, and if you can be happy there or not. Try everything you can to make your life better, take advantage of what can be done there, but after that, you can pack your things and go if you really think it is better elsewhere. Do not be ashamed to do this, you are not weaker if you leave, and you are not necessarily strong if you stay. You are only strong if you do what YOU decide.

[misscheerios2]

Thank you everyone!!!!!