How can I enjoy socialising again?

[Riddle]

Hi,

My current situation is that I'm in my final year of college, but I live at home and commute by car. The problem is that I used to enjoy socialising with the few friends that I had, and was also motivated to make conversation with other people, i.e. potential friends. Although I have never really had an active social life and prefer just staying home talking to my family or watching TV shows. However, after a very stressful year of working part time and doing my degree, I fell into a bad spell of depression and anxiety, which I have struggled with in the past.

I went to the psychiatrist and he thought that I might have an underlying condition, namely aspergers. He subcribed me antidepressants which are also an anxiolytic. They work and I feel better, but I still don't enjoy socialising. When I had the spell of depression I withdrew from people and became comfortable with my own company. And now I don't feel any motivation to talk to people unless I have to.

I feel no happiness when I see my old friends, and instead dread having to put on a persona. This makes me view socialising as a chore, because I don't get any enjoyment or even end up feeling worse for it. When I see old friends that I used to feel comfortable around, now I feel so pressured to put on a persona that nothing is wrong and act cheerful, it makes me experience a rush of anxiety even with the antidepressants, and I can barely manage a forced grimace/smile. Afterwards I feel like I have done something wrong and failed to act like a "normal" person. This makes me feel worse and reinforces my negative view of socialising.

Is there any advice to overcome this besides keep trying?

[The Big D]

Living at home during college smacks of "failure to launch" to me. Are you fulfilled by your living conditions? Do you intend to move out?

Do you exercise for your depression? Depression causes forced and unwanted introversion, and you may still be suffering from it.

[Riddle]

Originally Posted by The Big D

Living at home during college smacks of "failure to launch" to me. Are you fulfilled by your living conditions? Do you intend to move out?

Do you exercise for your depression? Depression causes forced and unwanted introversion, and you may still be suffering from it.

Thanks for replying, although I'm a bit unsure of what you mean by "failure to launch"? In the first year I stayed on campus, but in the subsequent years I lived at home with my parents because there are only halls of residence for first years at the university, and since I live close by (it's my local university) I would be silly to pour money down the drain on rent when I already have a nice rent-free place to stay in my parent's house. In addition, it would cost more money and take longer to commute by bus from a rented accommodation in the city than it would to drive there by car from my parent's house.

Also, I like my family's company, in fact during the first year it was a bit lonely staying on campus, since no one in my flat had much in common and we each kept to ourselves. Whether I am fulfilled by my living conditions is not something that has really crossed my mind, but I am content and don't plan to move out until I have a full time job and the economy is in better shape.

I do exercise fairly regularly, though it didn't help my depression much. What do you mean by "forced introversion"? I have never had an active social life, but feel even less motivation to socialise than before, since I don't really enjoy it for reasons already stated.

[The Big D]

By "failure to launch" I mean that part of the purpose of going away to college in our society is to develop a life outside your parents. It gives you a cut off point in time when you can say "I no longer live with these people or make my decisions based on them. I'm my own man (or woman) and take responsibility for my tribulations and credit for my successes." Making that move and making it stick (ie. not moving back, even if it's financially sensible to do so) is IMO the start of your own life - your "launch". So whenever I hear about someone living at home later in college or afterward, that's the first issue that springs to mind about why they may not be happy - they want to be their own person, but aren't. I'm also a fan of people paying for their own college, although I realize that the rise in tuition relative to salaries is making that increasingly hard.

It's good to hear you exercise. I mention that because I suffered from mild depression, and that cured it. By forced introversion, I mean that depression makes people who would be, in a non-depressed state, extroverts turn into introverts because the depression makes social interaction too hard. Since this is not congruous with how they'd like to be, it causes further problems.

[Riddle]

Originally Posted by The Big D

By "failure to launch" I mean that part of the purpose of going away to college in our society is to develop a life outside your parents.

This seems a bit alien to me, because I have been under the impression that the sole purpose of going to college is to get a degree. I appreciate that one can choose to expand his/her social circle and become more independent, but I never thought that this was considered part of the purpose of going to college. Also, I thoguht that most people lived with their parents until they got a stable full time job, no?

[rei]

launching is a developmental stage of life and in western culture it usually coincides with moving to college. it's not the college thing, it's the age/developmental stage most folks are at when they are ready for college.

if you really do have asperger's socializing might be difficult for you since that's a very mild form of autism. but i've met aspie's who can socialize and they do it without major problems. often the key is finding a group that focuses on something you, personally, are interested in (hobby, a cause, etc.) and you will know you have at least that in common.

in the first post you said something about feeling fake when you socialize, i think most of us have gone through that whether we're depressed/anxious or not. if it happens with your old friends, i say there is a very good chance that you really are itching to chart a new, more independent life for yourself, so at one level you have an urge to sever ties with those folks from your old life (would include those old friends). and then there's another level that clashes with this urge to get into a new path. do you have to put up a front? why can't you just be yourself? not everyone expects people to be bright, cheerful, perky all the time. there's quite a few people out there who enjoy being around someone who is authentic, true to themselves.

i think i agree with The Big D though... it seems like you aren't quite ready to go be on your own in the adult world... well, you are ready but you aren't sure, so you are giving many rational reasons why that's not true. and that's fine. i'm just wondering, if that is your initial reaction to the whole launching thing, what is your reaction after you ponder it for a while? and what do your emotions say to the idea of living on your own (meaning what feelings come up to the idea of living on your own)?

[Riddle]

Originally Posted by rei

what do your emotions say to the idea of living on your own (meaning what feelings come up to the idea of living on your own)?

I think that I am used to the support and company of my family, I would feel a bit lost without them. My family are the most important people to me, because they know everything about me and accept me for who I am.

[rei]

Originally Posted by Riddle

I think that I am used to the support and company of my family, I would feel a bit lost without them. My family are the most important people to me, because they know everything about me and accept me for who I am.

no one is saying you can't still get support from them, only that maybe part of this is the inner conflict - wanting to stay AND wanting to try it on your own... that's a confusing space to be in, i know from experience... and that inner confusion can also be very taxing.

no one here can tell you what to do ultimately, because it's your life and your decision. and if you are strictly wanting advice about socializing, it may not be appropriate for us to encourage you to launch into the world as a (more) independent adult. so i am doing my best to focus on what you asked for, but i do think the launching stuff is part of this.

if you don't enjoy socializing, why bother? is there some requirement to be around people? oh... if you are very close to your family, there is a good chance you meet most of your genuine social needs with family members. naturally this would make you less motivated to socialize, and frankly, living away from them would help IF this is part of the situation.

[Riddle]

Originally Posted by rei

if you don't enjoy socializing, why bother? is there some requirement to be around people? oh... if you are very close to your family, there is a good chance you meet most of your genuine social needs with family members. naturally this would make you less motivated to socialize, and frankly, living away from them would help IF this is part of the situation.

By socialising I really mean every face-to-face interaction, e.g. talking to friends in lectures, seminars, etc. These things are hard to avoid for want of not being rude, but I don't do anything outside of classes. I think you are right about my family meeting all of my genuine social needs, which probably helps contribute to my lack of social motivation elsewhere.

[rei]

Originally Posted by Riddle

By socialising I really mean every face-to-face interaction, e.g. talking to friends in lectures, seminars, etc. These things are hard to avoid for want of not being rude, but I don't do anything outside of classes. I think you are right about my family meeting all of my genuine social needs, which probably helps contribute to my lack of social motivation elsewhere.

i gather from the way you said this, you don't get the same reaction when you have face-to-face interaction with your family. so i guess a good question would be, how is that different? how is interacting with family different from interacting with people at school?

i get that your family accepts you as you are, but i find especially on college campuses (admittedly this may depend on the specific area of study) a big chunk of the people there tend to offer that same acceptance. if it is obvious they don't accept you as you are (once you've shown them who you really are behind the fake front) then maybe they aren't good candidates for friendship.

i really do understand a bit about what you're going through. i have no interest in socializing, i am an introvert and i meet most of my social needs through the internet. but i have graduate classes to attend so even if i don't have any social needs to meet i still make an effort to chat with classmates/colleagues. how do i get the motivation? most of us, my classmates, will be entering the professional world together this summer. i live in a city, but it's still fairly small, so we will probably use each other for referrals (i'm in school for counseling... in case you wanted to know or couldn't tell). so my motivation comes from a desire to have a certain reputation with them. i don't want them to pass me up for referral because i keep to myself - i don't actually think there is anything wrong with keeping to yourself, but many people do, so i do the dance a little... because it's in my best interest in the long run. i don't look at it as being phony because i am my true self with them. i don't deny who i am just to talk to them, but i make more of an effort than i otherwise would.

i don't know if what i shared in that last paragraph will help or not. hopefully it will give you an idea of other ways you can look at the motivation. if you have no long-term reason to socialize with those people, then i'm not sure i understand why it bothers you that you don't do it. does it bother you because you think you're supposed to socialize a certain amount? what would be the absolute worst consequences if you continue your current approach to socializing? and what would be the absolute best consequences of changing that approach?

[Riddle]

Originally Posted by rei

i gather from the way you said this, you don't get the same reaction when you have face-to-face interaction with your family. so i guess a good question would be, how is that different? how is interacting with family different from interacting with people at school?

It feels different because my family knows all of my secrets, about my depression, possible aspergers, etc, and I feel that there are no expectations of me.

Originally Posted by rei

i don't know if what i shared in that last paragraph will help or not. hopefully it will give you an idea of other ways you can look at the motivation. if you have no long-term reason to socialize with those people, then i'm not sure i understand why it bothers you that you don't do it. does it bother you because you think you're supposed to socialize a certain amount? what would be the absolute worst consequences if you continue your current approach to socializing? and what would be the absolute best consequences of changing that approach?

I want to enjoy socialising, mainly because I realise that in a society you have to interact with people in order to survive, and I possibly have a long time ahead of me until I can eventually RIP and not worry about surviving. Therefore, if I enjoy socialising life won't be such a hassle.

[rei]

you said you feel your family has no expectations... does that mean they have no expectations related to those secrets? (aside: our general culture has much less stigma about mental health than it did in previous decades, if you didn't already know)... seems to me they would probably have expectations related to them, like if you don't seem very eager to participate in a specific experience, they don't push because they figure you may not be up to it due to one of those things you listed. or some other thing where, if you think about it, they are probably acting from some expectations.

i would think people who don't know you at all are less likely to have expectations. if they don't know you then they can't know what to expect right? i think maybe what you mean is your family doesn't expect you to be happy and perky, and you think people you would socialize with would expect that. but that's not necessarily true.

life doesn't have to be a hassle. even if you socialize. it's all about how we see things. i think part of this is you dread socializing, you think it feels phony, etc. but you could choose to look at it differently. technically you could save up money and live in a cabin by yourself the rest of your life, grow your own food, drink mountain spring water, etc. ...or you could meet most of your food and water needs by ordering online and pick a full-time job that requires no social contact in person. you have choices.

my point, aside from trying to help you see that you have choices (not all of them would be interesting to you, but they do count as choices) is that socializing is only a chore if you choose to look at it as a chore. things are only good or bad because that's how we see them. you might try letting go of the assumption that the next face-to-face encounter will suck. go into it either expecting things to be pleasant or go into it with a neutral perspective. you're smart, you can easily do this - especially if you tell yourself it's something you can easily do.

is this helping? my experience with this type of suggestion is either people click with it instantly, they think it's stupid and then it clicks, or they just aren't receptive at all. if you don't think the stuff about shifting perspective helps you then i wouldn't want to continue offering that type of idea to you.

[The Big D]

Originally Posted by Riddle

This seems a bit alien to me, because I have been under the impression that the sole purpose of going to college is to get a degree. I appreciate that one can choose to expand his/her social circle and become more independent, but I never thought that this was considered part of the purpose of going to college. Also, I thought that most people lived with their parents until they got a stable full time job, no?

OK, I'm thinking more and more I've got this one diagnosed right

Yes, most successful people "launch" sometime during college, and IMO it's the #1 purpose of going to college. Career training isn't that hard to come by, and you can take English Lit courses from guys in bad sports coats whenever you want from any number of sources for a reasonable fee. All that stuff is secondary. Becoming your own person is primary. A degree is good because lots of jobs screen out people without degrees. But it's still secondary.

As far as moving out and jobs, most people get a real job so they don't have to live with their parents. I think you've got the causality backwards

Here's one way to think about it: nearly every primitive culture has a ritual for men (and usually for women too) that marks their transition from being a child to being an adult. Afterward, you have a "vote" in societal affairs, are responsible for your own soul, must engage in warfare if need be, are free to marry etc. You can see small echos of these rituals in modern things like bar mitzvahs, debutant balls and confirmations. But as a society we really don't have one. The closest we have is going off to college, but since we don't explicitly state that that's what's going on, sometimes people miss the point.

[Magicinthenight]

Do you actually WANT to have an active social life outside your family circle? Do you think you could be satisfied living a life where you'd go to work, see people there, keep socialising to a minimum and go home alone?

You don't HAVE to socialise with people any more than you're required on daily communication (lectures etc.). But if you actually want to become more social, the only way to learn is to push yourself into situations where you involve yourself with others.

[Riddle]

Thanks for your replys, I think I just need to keep trying until I get comfortable doing it again. My medication has increased a dose and I think it has a greater beneficial effect now, as I am feeling more positive and less worried about things.

[Riddle]

Originally Posted by Magicinthenight

Do you actually WANT to have an active social life outside your family circle? Do you think you could be satisfied living a life where you'd go to work, see people there, keep socialising to a minimum and go home alone?

You don't HAVE to socialise with people any more than you're required on daily communication (lectures etc.). But if you actually want to become more social, the only way to learn is to push yourself into situations where you involve yourself with others.

To be honest, I'm not that motivated to increase my social life at the moment, I am happy just going to college and relaxing at home with my family. But I guess when I eventually move out and start feeling lonely, then the motivation will come back.

[earylbird]

Originally Posted by Riddle

I think that I am used to the support and company of my family, I would feel a bit lost without them. My family are the most important people to me, because they know everything about me and accept me for who I am.

I am convinced there are plenty of other people out there who are also ready and willing to accept you for who you are, you just have to find them. As others have mentioned, if you find "general" socializing difficult, try starting out by finding people who have the same interests as you.