Children of Divorced Parents

[James81]

I'm pulling this in from Steve's blog thread:

Originally Posted by Radactrice

That's the absolute key...you've structured your new life around your kids and you've made a choice. However, it is easier for the non-custodial parent to have the "out of sight, out of mind" attitude. To be honest, it's harder to be a vital, present, active divorced parent than it is to be one in a marriage. Certainly not impossible and my ex and I did co-parent, but we made the choice. The days the kids were with me were non-negiotiable and vice versus. The kids came first. Period.

IMO, parenting has become a lot easier now that they aren't around everyday. When they were around everyday, I took them and my time with them for granted. Now that I don't see them everyday, I value the time we have together more and it's better. And I feel like I've improved as a father because of the divorce.

It's 6 of one, half a dozen of the other. One the one hand, not seeing them everyday creates the potential for you to really appreciate the time you DO have with them. On the other, it's hard on you both emotionally to keep drifting in and out of their lives.

One the one hand, in a marriage, you get to see them everyday and you don't have that emotional turmoil, but you also take your time with them for granted and the quality of your time may be degraded because of that.

[Radactrice]

Originally Posted by James81

I'm pulling this in from Steve's blog thread:



IMO, parenting has become a lot easier now that they aren't around everyday. When they were around everyday, I took them and my time with them for granted. Now that I don't see them everyday, I value the time we have together more and it's better. And I feel like I've improved as a father because of the divorce.

It's 6 of one, half a dozen of the other. One the one hand, not seeing them everyday creates the potential for you to really appreciate the time you DO have with them. On the other, it's hard on you both emotionally to keep drifting in and out of their lives.

One the one hand, in a marriage, you get to see them everyday and you don't have that emotional turmoil, but you also take your time with them for granted and the quality of your time may be degraded because of that.

It's entirely possibly that your experience is the norm for divorced parents and I've just had the misfortune of meeting the few for whom divorce did not improve their parenting skills. For the sake of all the children out there whose parents have divorced, I do hope that those I've seen are truly the exception.

[Betrade]

I MUCH preferred living with my kids and seeing them every day as opposed to what I'm going through now.

And I'm one of the few VERY FORTUNATE fathers who isn't locked into that every other weekend and one or two nights a week "visitation" schedules. My wife and I agreed (after a bit of a battle, but it was definitely worth it for everyone) that we have full joint custody and an open door policy. I can stop by and see my kids daily; and I do. The only time I don't is if i work really late and it's too late to stop by.

My youngest son has been living with me for almost 4 years now, but he also stays with his mother during the day while I work (they're home schooled so it works out very well). I pick him up every night and drop him off every morning. That is SUCH A BLESSING. That kid saved my sanity to some degree whether he realizes it or not.

There's also been sort of a role reversal. My oldest was always Daddy's boy from the time he was born. We were inseparable and I took him everywhere I went except to work. I also took my youngest most of the time as well as my two step kids. I never went anywhere without at least a couple of the kids; and I loved it. I was proud of those kids and I truly loved being a husband and father. I miss it to this day; despite any hardships or problems we had to endure over the years; which happen in any marriage at one time or another.

My youngest was Mommy's boy, but that's completely turned around. Now my oldest spends most of his time with her; and honestly, that's been one of the biggest heartbreaks of my life; losing that relationship as it was. It's not like he doesn't love me or anything like that; not at all. He tells me he loves me every day. It's just that since we split, things have changed. I believe things were far better when the family was still intact. I knew that things would never turn out the way my wife, and myself for that matter; had envisioned. I can also honestly state that EVERYONE got hurt because of this ordeal; in one way or another. That doesn't mean we're all walking around grieving because we're not, not at all; but everyone was affected negatively to some degree.

I also believe that some fathers (well, mostly fathers because women get sole custody in about 87% of divorce/custody cases) are actually okay with only seeing their kids 8-10 days a month, but I could never have agreed to that type of arrangement. Those kids need a father and frankly, I need them too. They're a huge part of who I am, they're a part of me and there's no way I was going to just roll over and have that taken away from me from someone in a black robe sitting behind a huge desk. That probably would have killed me emotionally. Well, not killed, but it definitely would have been another difficult experience to go through on top of everything else.

At the time when my wife and I split, my Dad had also just died less than 4 months earlier, so I was really grief stricken at several levels. I missed my dad terribly and on top of that, I missed my kids. I probably could have handled it better if it hadn't happened all at once like that.

I missed the little things; like just tucking them in at night; telling them stories, hanging out, etc. These are things I just took for granted as just normal parts of being a Dad, but I never dreamed that I would ever lose any of that; and when I did, I basically came unglued; I mean; emotionally; for a while. It was like a death in a sense (of what would have been; but all of a sudden, was no more) and it was actually a real grieving process that followed. I hated my life for a while throughout that time; but after some time of getting used to the new arrangement, it got way better.

I was always very much a hands on dad and having to live somewhere else was SO hard for a time. I missed SO much; even though I see them daily. It wasn't like that in the beginning. There was one period where I didn't see any of my kids for almost 4 months; and I went into a pretty serious depression at the time. I was kinda' lost for a while there.

I think that too many people underestimate the importance of father's in their kid's lives. Kids need mothers AND fathers. I think that's pretty obvious since it takes a mother and a father to make a child.

There are and always will be things that only my wife is capable of doing with them and other things that only I am capable of. There are also things that involve both of us. But, thankfully; I didn't sign away custody and allow the courts to dictate when I was allowed to "visit" my own children. That whole idea is insane IMO and I believe that men are mostly responsible for allowing the laws to come to this by not wanting to spend time with their kids.

Overall, IMO, and in my case, living with my kids on a daily basis was WAY better than living in separate households. No matter how much contact is available, it's just not the same; and it's certainly not better. If I could go back in time and somehow prevent any of this from happening, I would; even now; and it's been 8 years. It's not like I'm pining away over the whole thing; I just preferred being with my kids regularly rather than living somewhere else. I only live about 4 minutes away which is also a big plus; so it could be worse. I have a brother whose wife took their kids to another state about 1000 miles away. He had to drive two days to see them; so he obviously missed out on a huge part of their lives.

Thankfully, things are civil between my wife and I. I've heard so many horror stories where that bitterness goes on for years and years, and sometimes; forever. I'm thankful that this is not the case for my family.

I was bitter for quite a while because my wife cheated on me. I forgave; but never forgot. It's impossible to forget that type of thing. I don't hate her, and I never did, but I did hate what she did. It only happened one time, for one night, but that was all it took for trust to be broken, and I tried for the next 4 1/2 years to regain that trust. I think I almost got there, but she eventually wanted out of the marriage and I had no choice but to leave. I didn't leave easily though because that was the last thing I wanted in my life at the time. But, life doesn't always turn out the way we would like and we have to take the good with the bad. I just hope and pray more than anything that my kids come out of this okay; and that they never have to go through what their parents did. That's my biggest concern of all.

[ns123]

Betrade, it sounds like you are a wonderful father and your kids are very lucky to have such an involved dad. Keep up the good work. I wish there were more fathers like you out there.

[Betrade]

I decided to delete this post. It was way too long and may have come back to haunt me one day if the wrong person read it.