Violent father

[2bananasandamushroom]

A long time ago, there lived a girl named Lilly. She had a father who was called Edgar.

Lilly`s mother and Edgar divorced when she was 7. (people used to say, what a poor girl, her family breaking up when she`s only 7). But Lilly was secretly very happy, she was scared that her father would return and even told her mother once that if they would get back together then she would move out and go live in an orphanage. Edgar had a bad temper, he liked throwing things and hitting people. Lilly didn`t like that, sometimes she was scared of him and sometimes she even hated him. But there was also a feeling that made her very confused, sometimes she felt that she loved him. And sometimes she liked him, he was very funny and witty and smart and tender if he bothered to be. And he drew well. Really well.

When Lilly got older and smarter, she started understanding how wonderful her mother really was. She had never uttered a bad word about her father to her, despite all the bad things that he had done to her. But at that point Lilly started remembering things more clearly and aknowledging the things that Edgar had done. She started hating him. Either Edgar sensed that or “had a change of heart”. When Lilly was 12, he stopped calling her and taking her out to dinners. He called on her birthdays and sometimes stopped by and gave her a gift. Lilly was furious, she really started hating him with everything she had in her, like a true teenager ever.

As she got older, her rage cooled down and she decided that there were more important things in life that had to be dealt with. She forgot him and was happy. Slowly Lilly grew into a beautiful young woman and by the time she was 19 and her life was better than ever, Edgar showed up. He started calling her, asking her out, asking her to go visit his mother with him and so on. Lilly was startled. She had grown into a pretty woman but somehow her sense of decision-making hadn`t caught up. Sometimes she made up a lie and said she couldn`t go because of x,y and z. Other times he caught her off guard and she reluctantly had to agree to go with him, events that usually left her nervous and confused afterwards.

She didn`t respect him. She hated his personality, she hated him as a person. But parents aren`t just personalities or persons, they are parents... Lilly understood that this story is more complicated than she had thought. Edgar might be a cojones but he was still her father, which meant that there was a part of her that wanted desperetly to ask him some questions: like, was he suffering from a mental disorder, or was he simply a jerk.... what made him act like that, why was he so violent. She once told her mother that she`d like to ask those questions from Edgar. Her mother told her that he`d probably deny everything, that he didn`t have ANY empathy and probably suffers from some sort of a mental disorder... all this made Lilly change her mind about asking him questions.

Everything that Lilly wants to do is find a way to get Edgar out of her life. She`s wondering if she should say “no” directly and be honest – something like “I don`t want to see you again.” And maybe explain why? Or maybe not, since maybe he doesn`t DESERVE her honesty and feelings.

Or should she just ignore his calls forever?

Making up lies is not an option anymore since she`s tired and embaressed of being so cowardly and weak. She actually has made this situation worse by not being direct and delaying “no”. She`s been going out with him and accepting presents... and then she`s been ignoring his calls... it`s not a nice way to treat people and she`s disgusted with herself.


What do you think Lilly should do?

[Betrade]

When in doubt, tell the truth.

OTOH, if Edgar's attempts at reconciliation are genuine (people DO change, grow up, etc.), then maybe Lily should try to just have an open and honest discussion with him, explain WHY she has resentments and see how he reacts. If he's truly repentant, then maybe they could find some kind of happy medium, because after all, despite who he was in the past, he's still her father, and we only get one father in life.

He could die tomorrow and if that happens, there will be many things left unsaid and Lily may live the rest of her life regretting the fact that she didn't confront him openly and honestly. That's not something anyone would look forward to. Who knows, maybe she can reconcile this mess and have a decent relationship with her father, more on her own terms, if she's honest about it. he may be wanting just that, but she'll never know unless she asks.

Forgiveness can work miracles in life and this may be a case where forgiveness is needed, maybe on both ends, maybe not. If he's a changed man, then giving him the benefit of the doubt may not necessarily be such a bad thing. It depends on all of the details and whether or not he's being genuine and honest himself. It does sound like he's trying.

The past is gone forever, even though it may filled with be painful memories. Her Mom apparently suffered, but didn't allow herself to hate, which is probably a good thing, because hate eats up the hater; not the one who's hated. They just go about their business while someone else spends their time hating. That's no way to live either.

It sounds like it's time for a real talk where everything is laid out in the open and dealt with; one way or another.

[minervana]

If that's what she wants, Lilly should get Edgar out of her life until she feels ready to have him in again. That time might be never, or it might be tomorrow, but until that day comes (if it comes) this relationship should be on Lilly's terms.

If Edgar asks her to come to some event, she can just say no. If he asks why, she can say something like "Because I don't want to," "Because I don't respect you," "Because I don't really want you in my life." It might be hard but Lilly can practice not being afraid, and if he gets emotional she can just sit there like a stone. Lilly could tell Edgar that she doesn't feel like forgiving him or having him in her life, and until she is interested in doing that, he has no business with her. If he persists, Lilly could get a restraining order.

On a safety note, if Edgar is a threat, getting a restraining order is not enough. Even carrying around a cell phone isn't enough. If he's hit people in the past he might do it again. Lilly would be well advised to carry around mace and a loud siren alarm around at all times. Even if the threat is slight, it's best to be prepared.

You might like to read this webpage.

[ssandra]

Be honest. What Lilies mother sais does not have to be true. She sees Edgar through her own glasses...

Ask the questions that she wants to ask, she ows herself. After that, wait a few days to digest the answer and make a decision. But be honest.

Honesty is not something you do for the other person it is something you do for yourself..