Checking out women, male instinct

[rohan]

Hi,
I have always had this issue with "checking out" females and wanted some clarity, specially from women themselves. I've asked my girlfriend and one other female friend regarding this but need some more feedback:

It is a very natural male tendency to look at good looking women. But I observed that women aren't too comfortable being stared/looked at! Because of this I've always made a conscious effort to NOT look at any woman passing by because I feel that it'll make her extremely uncomfortable. Anyways, there are loads of other guys who ogle at women and I feel very bad for the women but nothing can be really done about it.

My question is this:
1.What can we as guys do to deal with this primal urge, apart from consciously NOT staring at women?
2.As women, what do you'll feel about this issue? As in, what exactly is it that makes you;ll so uncomfortable??

In anticipation,
Rohan

[Bradshaw]

Girls stare too, you know. I find the look, look away, look, look away, look, look away thing that girls do really amusing, ha ha ha.

[marinik]

Originally Posted by Bradshaw

Girls stare too, you know. I find the look, look away, look, look away, look, look away thing that girls do really amusing, ha ha ha.

No we don't, not the way men do! We look but never stare with lust, drooling and hanging jaws.

I have been looked at/stared at all my life. Sometimes it is flattering and sometimes it is offensive. It depends on the way HOW it is done. When it is a obvious scan from head to toe it rarely is a comfortable feeling. Or when you feel that you are being striped down there and then.

But if it a longer gaze with a nice smile then it is OK. Or a discreet look you feel and not really see. When I was a very young girls I was so ashamed to be looked at, but as I excepted the fact that I am considered very attractive I just learned to live with it in a way. And use it!!!

The most problems I have had are men who can't hold their eyes in a conversation on my eyes or face because they keep looking down at my breasts. I have had board meetings where I would ask a colleague if he could please lift his eyes up from my decollete! I even asked one if he had ever seen a pair of them before.

But I have a friend who is passionate at looking at women all the time. It gets on my nerves when we go out when he does not stop at all. I like seeing a beautiful lady and a gorgeous man! I am not jealous at all, there just should be a "measure of all things". When I start looking at men and commenting them he becomes aware and stops.

[James81]

You're a man, dude. You have these very natural, very common, and very NORMAL urges to look at women. Deciding that those urges and those needs are offensive puts a damper on YOUR sexuality.

Here's the deal...in order for a woman to take offense at you checking her out SHE has to make a decision to take offense at it. What does that mean to you? It means that her taking offense at being checked out is a conscious decision that she makes. Or, if she continously makes the same decision to be offended over and over again, it no longer becomes conscious it becomes subconscious and a decision that gets put on autopilot. But even then, it STARTED with a conscious decision for her to be offended.

Notice something about that? You were nowhere in that last paragraph. It means that it's not your problem if she gets offended at you checking her out.

The only thing you need to realize is that there is a time and a place. There are situations where you need to control yourself a bit simply out of respect for the situation. For example, staring at a woman's chest at work is something that could get you sexual harassment charges. Try to be discreet about it in those situations. Another good situation is if you are out with your girlfriend/wife it's kind of rude to blatantly be staring at the women around you.

IMO, you should embrace your sexuality. Checking a woman out is a compliment. It's not your fault that she sees otherwise. And it's not your responsibility to try and make the women of the world feel more comfortable. That's the most ridiculous notion ever perpetuated in our society. Each one of us is responsible for our own level of comfort and what we can accept. Women are no different.

I think if you do with with discretion (in inappropriate situations) and tact (in all other situations), then you shouldn't worry about it. You're a man. Men like to like at attractive women. Don't make that out to be anything less than a beautiful, natural urge.

[aggie]

gee, i find it nice that you are concerned about women's feelings on this, and would consciously like to not do it so much or the wrong way

i agree, there is looking and LKING!

being giving a nod or a light double take can be flattering...but some men...well, you'd like to hand them a towel

i think a woman can provoke or avoid some of the unwanted stares...but the way most dress...well, a guy could hardly take it.

while we are on the topic...when guys are out with your girls...if you must...please be discreet, so the "lookee" knows who the "looker" is really with

[ssandra]

Short version:

Looking is good, starting is bad.

Longer version:

A guy who makes you feel beautiful is good.

A guy who makes you feel like a lobster about to be put in boiling hot water.. not so good.

[TonyToneTone]

Originally Posted by rohan

Hi,
But I observed that women aren't too comfortable being stared/looked at!

I would change your idea about this whole situation to something more positive. "Women I look at enjoy me looking at them." or something along that line. It's your belief about this situation that is creating your reality for it.

[cylon]

Originally Posted by rohan

1.What can we as guys do to deal with this primal urge, apart from consciously NOT staring at women?

Stop believing that women actually dislike being considered attractive. They spend so much time on their clothes, hair, makeup.... you think they don't want you to notice?

[cylon]

Originally Posted by James81

IMO, you should embrace your sexuality. Checking a woman out is a compliment. It's not your fault that she sees otherwise. And it's not your responsibility to try and make the women of the world feel more comfortable. That's the most ridiculous notion ever perpetuated in our society.

Yup. Guys embrace their sexuality when they decide they don't need a woman's permission to look, speak, or act.

[rawxstasy]

Now I enjoy men and women looking at me. That wasn't the case until about a year ago. I think it's perfectly natural for men to check out women. I agree with the others, be more discreet when you are with your girlfriend.

What I do not like is when I am working at the hospital and the husband is bringing in his wife who is literally dying or is very ill and I am being checked out by the husband. (sometimes in front of the ill spouse!!) That is totally the wrong time to be doing that.

[ar81]

Originally Posted by marinik

When it is a obvious scan from head to toe it rarely is a comfortable feeling. Or when you feel that you are being striped down there and then.

Hey scanning people instead of reading them is piracy....

In my case I stare or scan because I like arts.
The difference between an artist and a prvert is that a pervert will have a blank canvas.
I admire a good looking woman just like I admire a nice car, from an artistic point of view. And still women feel uncomfortable. They do not make a difference between an artist who observes, and a pervert who feels lust.

I recall a case when I was looking at a woman's nose and eyes, and she felt uncomfortable.

In another ocasion I liked a woman in the distant past when I was single, so I flattered her in a weird manner: "Excuse me. Artists know that beauty of a woman comes from a beatiful skeleton. What a beautiful skeleton you have!!"

[James81]

Originally Posted by rawxstasy

What I do not like is when I am working at the hospital and the husband is bringing in his wife who is literally dying or is very ill and I am being checked out by the husband. (sometimes in front of the ill spouse!!) That is totally the wrong time to be doing that.

Sexuality is not resepective to the situation you're in. A guy is going to notice a pretty girl even if he's on his deathbed choking to death.

[DerekH]

I usually try to make eye contact. I just do it for fun and usually smile a little bit.

[dsc]

"Excuse me. Artists know that beauty of a woman comes from a beatiful skeleton. What a beautiful skeleton you have!!"

I suppose it's better than:

"Hey baby, can I make like an archeologist and dig your bones?"

[TonyToneTone]

Women check out men as well. It goes both ways rohan.

[rawxstasy]

Originally Posted by James81

Sexuality is not resepective to the situation you're in. A guy is going to notice a pretty girl even if he's on his deathbed choking to death.

LOL you got that right!!

[MichaelMaxwell]

I think about this a lot. Its like a balancing act. On the one hand, if you can't look at women whats the point of living? On the other hand women are autonomous beings with functioning psyches deserving of not having their psychic space encroached upon by creepers such as myself. I find peripheral vision is usefull but often a bit of an ascetic mind set is the best course of action.

Oh and if I get cought I like to give them a smile or something.

[Patricia]

Originally Posted by ssandra

Longer version:

A guy who makes you feel beautiful is good.

A guy who makes you feel like a lobster about to be put in boiling hot water.. not so good.

Exactly. There's a big difference between noticing a good looking woman and staring at them as if they're just a piece of meat. The reason why we feel uncomfortable is because we feel disrespected when the latter is the case. I don't feel offended if a man is noticing me and seems to find me attractive. That's just plain flattering. But when a man acts like the second described scenario, in the back of my mind I'm thinking "seriously, dude, grow up." That's my first mental response, followed by a feeling of disrespect and I just want him to look away already. So I guess we look like we're offended/uncomfortable because we just want to hint you to look away. (Edit: I guess we're thinking "ok, it's nice and all that you find me attractive, but that's enough. And with that attitude, you'd be the last guy I'd ever consider going out with. So, seriously, just move on.").

A different way to put it is this: if you're with your wife or girlfriend and notice another guy noticing her (and you can see he finds her attractive) but then he looks away, that's one thing. If you're with your wife or girlfriend and another guy is staring at her like he's ready to get in her pants, that's another thing altogether. See the difference? I know it's not an accurate explanation, but I just wanted to point out the distinction from another perspective.

Originally Posted by MichaelMaxwell

On the one hand, if you can't look at women whats the point of living?

I hope you're being sarcastic there...

------

And I'll add myself to the other female voices on boyfriends/husbands checking out other women: don't do that... and if you absolutely must, be very discrete (and I don't mean make sure she won't notice, but that the other woman doesn't notice it either. I always feel bad when a man is with his significant other and stares at me. A guy once hit a pile of products with his shopping cart in the grocery store because he was too busy checking me out. The wife was right behind him. I mean... how do you think she felt? I felt even worse.). But anyway, you guys checking other women out feels very disrespectful, unless you're both ok with it (talking about exclusive partners, traditional relationships here). I know some couples are, but for the most part, good luck finding a woman who will enjoy having her husband or boyfriend check other women out, whether she's there or not. Again, noticing is one thing. Checking out, looking top to bottom and enjoying the cleavage makes us wonder what exactly are we doing with you. Especially if you know it makes her uncomfortable. Respect is key here.

[spirit4711]

Eddie Murphy sums it up quite nicely here, plus adds some other topics as well. Not for the sensitive souls out there .

YouTube - Eddie Murphy Raw Part 3

YouTube - Eddie Murphy Raw Part 4

'What have you done for me lately?'

[Daffy Duck]

Originally Posted by marinik

We look but never stare with lust, drooling and hanging jaws.

Oh really! Clearly you've never seen me walk by!

[shasah]

My mom and I were walking down the beach with our respective guys and I guess since we were in front, they both felt it was okay to ogle. I turned to make a comment and noticed them elbowing each other and nodding toward this woman. I looked over and there was this woman with an absolutely gorgeous body laying on her stomach. A few seconds later, she rolled over and she was a 60ish woman with lots of wrinkles etc on her face. I was LMAO!! They were both much more subtle after that

[James81]

Originally Posted by shasah

My mom and I were walking down the beach with our respective guys and I guess since we were in front, they both felt it was okay to ogle. I turned to make a comment and noticed them elbowing each other and nodding toward this woman. I looked over and there was this woman with an absolutely gorgeous body laying on her stomach. A few seconds later, she rolled over and she was a 60ish woman with lots of wrinkles etc on her face. I was LMAO!! They were both much more subtle after that

The funny thing is, a lot of guys are actually into older women. They just don't admit it.

Don't believe me? Google "Granny porn" and see where that takes you.

[cylon]

Hey man, don't crash my servers!

[marinik]

Originally Posted by Daffy Duck

Oh really! Clearly you've never seen me walk by!

Well that would be a first.

[Magicinthenight]

Everyone looks. Just don't ogle or touch without permission and you'll avoid coming across like a loser. Applies to both men and women btw.

[Rose of Cairo]

Hi Rohan,

how nice of you to be concerned about how women feel about this issue.

First of all, it is also a very natural female tendency to look at good looking men. We do it too.

As others have said, there are just different ways of looking.

When a man notices me because he finds me attractive, and looks at me simply because he likes what he sees, or smiles or makes a compliment or says hello because of that, then I see nothing bad about this. I take it as a compliment and smile back.

Now when a guy stares at me for minutes in a row no matter the situation like he cannot control himself anymore, I tend to think "Yeah, it's okay now... Go get yourself a life, dude."

There are some guys who also look at us in a very dirty way. I don't mean dirty because sexual. I don't find sex dirty in any way! What makes those glances dirty is not the sexual attraction, it's that those guys see us as pieces of meat, as mere sex objects without any personality.

They don't care about who we are, they don't see the whole person. With them, sex is just a satisfaction of their ego, no true exchange. Basically, they just dream of masturbating inside our vagina. Their glances just mean "I want to use you like an object for my own little needs.". That's abusive, disrespectful and no compliment at all, which is why I don't like those glances.

I used to be offended by them. Now I'm not anymore, after all it says nothing about me and a lot about them. We don't have to let those guys affect us in any way. But I won't be friendly to them, that is clear.

Love.