How soon & often do I call her?

[AthenaMarina]

No my social skills are not lousy but I've never been an initiator in friendships my friends always found ME THEY initiated the friendship THEY did the initial follow up. I never learned how, never HAD to. Now, I do, I've been in another country for a while, happily married but want female friends ESPECIALLY those who are positive etc! So I'm working on it AND I asked an acquaintance from a group I go to if we can exchange numbers & have coffee together even though I thought oh she's SO popular etc. but she agreed!
Now, my question IS how soon & often to call?
We exchanged numbers weekend before last & I DO have plans a few times this month MIGHT also be seeing her in the group in 2 weeks' time. She has my number too. So I'm thinking 3 weeks from the time of exchange? To call her & suggest a meeting day etc for coffee. And how often to call? A friend of mine who IS an initiator calls me every one to two months I'm thinking of following her lead.
I KNOW this is a weird question but I've never needed to know the answer before plus sometimes I got rid of toxic friends but found no replacements for ages now I'm meeting great people & trying to learn how to take it to the next level - turn acquaintances into friends.
I also got an email address from another girl.
AND I am meeting people over the next three weeks at a couple of different meetup groups but how soon to ask for numbers for coffee? The girl I exchanged numbers with runs a group & I've been going for three years!!! I am organising one of the upcoming meetings myself & I'm hoping that might make it easier - or not?!
Any tips REALLY appreciated!!

[ssandra]

I really hope you get lots of answers.. it will help me as well

[Michelle]

You are thinking about this way too much.

What does your intuition tell you?

Personally, I dislike games and prefer someone to just call me if they want to call. It feels nice when someone thinks enough of me to pick up the phone, send an sms or just say hi.

Put yourself in the other person's shoes. How would you want her to act toward you in the same situation?

[Tanja]

It's difficult to give specific answers, it depends so much on the other person as well. Why don't you just call her and see what happens and what she says?

For example,I'll call someone maybe even two/three days/a week after I've met them if I think something I'm doing might interest them (movies/concerts).
I'd say something like ''I'm going to this theatre play so I thought you might join me if you have some time, we can meet for a coffee before that.''
Or ''I'll be around town tomorrow so if you're free for a coffee let me know''.

I know that work and family take up a lot of time so it's difficult to meet with some people, then I usually call them, send an sms or email when I feel like it, which is often It's nothing too long, just to see how they're doing and what's going on with them.

[Manomanman]

Calling is a crappy way to connect with people. Call her IMMEDIATELY after you get the number. If she doesn't pick up, never call her again.

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by Manomanman

Calling is a crappy way to connect with people. Call her IMMEDIATELY after you get the number. If she doesn't pick up, never call her again.

That is bad advice...
She can be in the shower, busy, at work etc.

Calling is a good way of connecting with people. Especially arrange for a date and place to meet to connect in person.

[AthenaMarina]

I texted her. (I know!) I totally texted her. I asked if she wants to meet up on Friday evening/afternoon & gave her some options, also said she can bring some other friends too if she wishes - or not. At least I did SOMETHING to follow up so I'm still proud of myself. I'll let you know what happens & thanks for your help. If it wasn't for your replies I think I would have left it even longer.

[Tanja]

Good for you! It's a start.
And don't worry about it too much, what works for one person doesn't work for someone else.
Now you see you can do it

[spirit4711]

Good for you!

But why tell her she can bring friends? You're interested in spending time with her, not with her friends, or...? If she wants to bring friends she'll tell you.

Next time, call her (not text) and say: 'Hi let's do <whatever> this weekend, OK?' Women, like most men, appreciate clarity. Even if they aren't clear themselves .

And don't think about it too much. Mind games usually are counter productive.

[IFeelGood]

Originally Posted by spirit4711

Good for you!

But why tell her she can bring friends?

She mentioned in the OP that she is in a new country and looking to make female friends. It makes sense to include others, more opportunities to meet people.

[CoolBee]

As someone who has been living in a foreign country for 2 years, I understand where you're coming from.

You don't want to come across like a needy bunny boiler on the one hand or cold and uninterested on the other.

If you want a rough rule of thumb, then initially, don't plan to get together on a 1-1 basis more often than fortnightly unless you have some very good exterior reason - eg a weekly class together.

If the people you are meeting have families esp. small kids, then once a month is often enough and even that might be difficult sometimes - time flies by! If they are single, maybe 2-3 weeks. Until you get to know people really well, then keep a good mix of individual 1-1 meet ups and group meet ups going on.

Be VERY VERY wary of anyone who is your instant best friend, invites you round all the time, or wants to see you all the time, offers (and does) many acts of apparent help and kindness while refusing to accept any kind of payment (believe me your time to pay will come when all the emotional control issues surface some months down the line!).

Try and get a good mix of being the inviter and invitee in. If you are always the one doing the calling you start to wonder if you should be taking a hint - if the other person is always doing the calling, then if you are not initiating contact because you don't want to see them, try to make that clear somehow. If its because you are too lazy or shy, there's a high chance they make take an unintended hint and stop bothering.

I see nothing wrong with sending the occasional text or facebook message or comment just to slowly build up friendships. Not everyone is good at phones (eg me, I have crap reception in my home so if someone calls, I have to go outside for most mobile phone calls and that is not very convenient sometimes!) and it can be most offputting if someone is going 'pardon, sorry didn't catch that' for most of a conversation!

[AthenaMarina]

I still haven't had a reply from her & I'm trying hard not to feel like I'm an unlikable loser even though on the whole I know I'm NOT & I HAVE had friends in the past. I DID include "..either way I'll see you on Friday am" in the text - the group is doing something then - so maybe she thinks that's when I want to know if she's up for it? (I warned you I'm new to this whole initiating friendships & follow up thing!) I'm a bit confused though cos before I asked to exchange numbers & if she wanted to meet up one to one I
said I wanted to ask her something and it was OK if she said no, if she didn't want to but she said she did!
Maybe there IS a reason, maybe her cell was stolen or she's been busy or who knows.
When I see her with the group Friday I guess I won't mention it just see what she says/does. Maybe I need to move on.
I just want to meet positive female friends in my city (London.) I haven't had a best female friend for a while & although I don't expect someone to be that right away! it's hard right now not to feel that I never WILL have a best friend again! I am married to a great guy but I miss having female best friends in my life. I am meeting other new people next week - again in a group situation but some of them know I also want to meet one to one & seemed open to it. They have a busy love life though so hope they'll still have time for friends too!
I AM a great person & when people get to know me they DO really like me. I just have to kind of remind myself of that right now. Still glad I texted her though, that I gave it a try & I'm not giving up on having friends yet! Be lovely if I had some potential best female friends by the end of the year though!

[Tanja]

Originally Posted by AthenaMarina

I still haven't had a reply from her & I'm trying hard not to feel like I'm an unlikable loser even though on the whole I know I'm NOT & I HAVE had friends in the past.
Maybe there IS a reason, maybe her cell was stolen or she's been busy or who knows.

Don't go there, you'll drive yourself crazy with that kind of thinking Wait till Friday, you don't know why she hasn't still replied, so wait till Friday. It has happened to me also that I forgot to reply to a message and it was because I thought I already had replied I was in a kind of busy spell.

Originally Posted by AthenaMarina

I AM a great person & when people get to know me they DO really like me. I just have to kind of remind myself of that right now. Still glad I texted her though, that I gave it a try & I'm not giving up on having friends yet! Be lovely if I had some potential best female friends by the end of the year though!

I think you're focusing too much on finding best friends. I know it's important to you, but why not first focus just on meeting as many new female acquaintances as possible, without seeing them as potential best friends, be more relaxed about it. Those relations that do evolve into friendships somehow naturally do so.
Don't get discouraged You did the first step, which is great!

And just because it may not work out with this person, doesn't mean it won't with others.

[spirit4711]

Originally Posted by AthenaMarina

... so maybe she thinks that's when I want to know if she's up for it?
...

When I see her with the group Friday I guess I won't mention it just see what she says/does. Maybe I need to move on.
...

Relax. See how it goes Friday. In the meantime, be open to meeting new people, don't focus everything on this one.

You might gently tell her that it would have been nice if she had answered your text. Depending on her reaction you will know more. But keep it light. For next time, if you do want an answer, ask a specific question. Better yet, talk with her.

One of my friends is truly horrible in answering text messages. Yet we're still good friends.

Keep going, you're doing fine!

[AthenaMarina]

Thank you for your wonderful replies!

I DO have acquaintances but want to turn some of them - step by step - into close friends.


But yes I also agree if I keep getting out their and meeting people it increases my chances! I'm meeting some more people Tuesday night & on Saturday so who knows. Plus we'll see if she says anything on Friday. Hmm I might ask her, did you get the text I sent you & see what she says.
And I agree I need to be more direct. Well I'm learning as I go.

[AthenaMarina]

Got a text back from her just now she can't make this Friday evening/arvo but she CAN meet up for coffee NEXT Friday so texted her back yes.
Cool!

[CoolBee]

Glad she's made contact - but don't get too het up over texts - when I was in London last week, a friend sent me texts on the Monday morning saying she was going to be an hour late and they weren't delivered to my phone (also a UK mobile) until Tuesday.

Sometimes my sister texts me to my UK phone from the UK when I'm here in Egypt and it can be 3 days before the texts show up.

So unless you speak to a person directly yourself you cannot know whether your text, letter, email or phone message was ever delivered (and don't trust those phones with the read receipts either - my sister's was telling her that texts she sent to me had been delivered/read when they hadn't).

[AthenaMarina]

In Egypt, huh?
My husband is Egyptian and he is visiting Egypt right now on holiday!

I realised I may actually have to do work stuff that Friday evening till 8pm but don't know for sure. If so I'll find another time that works for us.

[CoolBee]

yes I live in Cairo

[AthenaMarina]

Your site is great & I think it's so cool you can do that from Egypt who'da thunk it?! My hubby is from Ismailia although he lives in London like I do & I've been to Egypt 3x & had a great time.

[pjhaggerty]

When you call is not nearly important as how you are on the call.