Is she not the one OR am I blocked and I don't know it? HELP!

[peacefareast]

I have seen some great and insightful advice in this forum and would love some opinions about my situation, thanks in advance. I'm grateful!

I'm 35 year old guy, and have been with my GF for 3.5 years now, living with her for 1.5 of that time, and I have revealed that I am "not sure" about her for the future, ie, getting married, having kids etc. She is pretty set on me, and has said "I would marry you if you asked me." That pretty much put the idea in my head that I should have an answer for her, especially as we are completely honest with each other. We had a big blowup last weekend that stemmed from this instability, and we've discussed it in couples therapy (which we've been in for six months). We both have histories of abandonment in childhood (mine emotional, hers physical and more abusive) which I think was the subconsious magnet that brought us together.
I'm pretty calm at baseline and very practical, but she is a powderkeg and has a significant degree of taking things personally and having a hard time managing emotions- this has been stressful for me as I've been moving more and more towards a spiritual existence.

My ability to be sexually intimate with her hit a wall at year 1. We have kept trying different things, tantric practice, counselling, variety (not partners, situations, places) meditation, relaxation to help me get more in the mood, but it hasn't worked.
This last week we took a break- we took the week off after she said she couldn't take my "not sure about the future" stance anymore.
This last week has been trememdous as far as pressure relief for me, I feel an ease that i haven't in a while- but I feel sad as well. I haven't been able to get "deep" into the relationship, 3.5 years in. That's sad to me.

Here's the issue for me: I've been in relationships before that on the surface have been textbook, but inside I've always been blocked from a deep intimacy level, especially sexually. In the past, I've decided that it was always the girl, but I realized (in my sageness) that it has been me not allowing the intimacy. This time, it's happened again, the difference is that I am working really hard to find that ability, but it seems to be missing still. This triggers her "stuff" and she has been getting jealous and insecure more and more the last year or so.

She suggested tonight we take a longer break, so we can see if that helps, but I'm scared that its not going to help. I don't know if it's really us that's not compatible or if it's just me again, or if it's just that I'm not at that place yet. I have grown tremendously as a person able to have relationships but in each case even this one as healthy as it is, I cant get the sexual intimacy to be at a rewarding level. in fact I'm generally "checked out" or pretty numb emotionally during the experience, no matter how hard i stay present.
If I go to a fantasy (of someone else) I can stay erect but otherwise it's pretty bad.

How can I find my way into my own heart?
Do I let her go?
Do I fight to stay in it?
Is it just not time for me?
Help!
Thanks!

[James81]

Originally Posted by peacefareast

but in each case even this one as healthy as it is,

Good lord, man, if this is what you call "healthy" then you have my deepest sympathies regarding your past relationships.

This is the opposite of healthy. You hit a sexual wall at year one and have been beating a dead horse for 2.5 years. You're in couples counselling and now you are on a break. And during that break suddenly you feel relief.

I don't know how many signs you need, man, to let you know that this girl isn't right for you.

Also, stop blaming yourself. It takes two to tango and you said yourself that she was a "powderkeg." It's not all your fault. You have your issues and you are contributing to this relationship failing, sure, but don't shoulder all of the blame.

But you already know all of this stuff (and what you need to do). it's all in your post. You just need to find the courage to do it.

[ar81]

I can see there is fear of being abandoned in both of you.
You expresss it by being attached to past relations and opening the possibility of abandoning her and not letting your true soul to show up.

She also has fear of being abandoned as she faces the possibility of being abandoned (you told her). You may be sincere, but also you may hurt her where it hurts her the most. Her instability comes from those words of yours. You pushed the wrong button...

Being abandoned was an isolated event in the past.
But you keep believing it is real.

Why not support each other, and decide that no one will be abandoned anymore as long as it depends on you? No one deserves to suffer what you have suffered.

Be a role model. Parents often do not know how to be a role model, so you will have to be a rebel and create it from scratch.

Do not let resentment to get in the middle of your relationship. If resentment gets in the way, it will pave the way to pain and "divorce". And then both of you will be headed towards abandonment and fear again.

Copy/paste the contents of this thread:
for committed partners/spouses
Discuss it with your partner.

You also may need to forgive your parents (I bet they would not have abandoned you if they were mature enough and aware of the impact they would have in your lives), both of you forgive them, and then forgive yourselves (you must forgive yourself and she must forgive herself, because abandonment brings lots of guilt to young people).

From this day, everything you do must be aimed at helping her to improve each other lives. The price for not doing so is to live in pain. And you both need to rebel against unhappiness, the horrible role model you learned from your parents.

Please. You both, get out from that world of suffering. Your mission in life is not to suffer. Suffering is a distraction. You both have a mission in life, and you may need to overcome your pain to go for it. The real world is happy, and you will discover it. Unhappiness is a biochemical cheat of our brains.

Heal the pain, do not make it bigger.

[rei]

James81 is a male, and since ar81 has spoken before about a wife, i think ar81 is also male. i'll offer a female perspective for balance.

i agree with James81. and, i think ar81 responded as if this were a marriage (even though, i do agree with what ar81 said about healing the old pain). it is not a marriage, that's one of the big issues. she wants a ring, you're not sure. after 3.5 years you would probably be sure my friend.

i think this relationship was really over around year 1, only both of you would rather cling to a sour relationship than face the idea of being alone/abandoned. you're both doing a lot to make it work, and it's still not working enough for you to see yourself making a marital commitment. you have already answered the question of staying or leaving.

i can see you are reflective and introspective... you are willing to look at your own stuff. i think you might resolve the sexual intimacy by figuring out where it started and why. many of us begin the seeds of romantic attachment with our opposite-sex parent (of course, this is not meant to be sexual, more like emotional intimacy). so i would guess you have some unresolved stuff with your mother. yes i'm getting a bit Freudian with ya. Freud was way out in left field with many things he said, but the significance of our attachment relationships is a valid thing.

you can't get from a partner what you don't give yourself. do you give yourself the type of deep love and satisfaction that is meant to find expression through sex in a relationship? does the idea of being smacked around turn you on (masochism)? sometimes that's just about being playful, sometimes it symbolizes how we actually think, at some level, we ought to be treated.

or it could be that you use sexual intimacy to control emotional intimacy... if you can't or won't satisfy your partner, the thinking may be that this will mean you push your partner away. pushing away a partner is not as scary as being abandoned for those who fear abandonment, because pushing someone away is like a conscious, controlled act of sabotage. being abandoned happens without having any control in the abandonment. and this sense of having no control can basically create a sense of impotence. so maybe you've just been granting tangible expression to an emotional feeling hm?

at any rate, you can already see this relationship is over. being single again will give you a chance to more deeply examine the root of this intimacy issue. that may sound counterintuitive at first, but once you get there you'll understand what i mean if you don't already.

[peacefareast]

thanks for the opinions and perspectives, first off, I'm grateful to james81 ar 81 and rei.
I have reflected on each reply, and will continue to do so.

we met at the therapist's office yesterday and we basically were at the same impasse we were at last week when we left. she said she's two feet in and wanting someone who is also in the same place. she said that she was hoping I would get there, but realized now that I wasn't there and to put that pressure on me was actually not helping.
I said I couldn't say that for myself, that i could be two feet in, although I did say that was 85% percent in, which by that I meant I everyday believe in it more and more. I told her that I felt there were other people's standards and expectations being placed on the relationship but I did understand where she was coming from.
even as I read what I just wrote, I realize that I believe in the possibility of relationship, maybe just not with her. its painful to look at that though.

I realize now that my own expectations of "how much I need to feel" and "where I should be at 3.5 years" were causing me to feel that the present was not okay and just where I am, that I'm doing pretty good after 30 some odd years of being locked in that abandonment/insecure attachment state.

I see the truth of ar81's insight into the abandonment issue, I'm working on forgiving my mother for just being who she could be not what I wanted her to be.
ar81 did say something that the therapist has been saying to me all along. It's simply a choice I have to make, to commit to saying i'm not leaving ever.
I just can't get myself to say that!

I can mentally see how REI's take on the control issue could certainly be the key to my sexual issues. I have had that happen over and over. When I feel anything remotely intimate with someone i know as a person, it seems the lock down comes calling. I guess that's why I have always looked to get the physical on first.
interesting that the thing I want the most, intimacy, is the thing I subconsciously/unconsciously may be avoiding the most for fear that it isn't going to last.
I'm going to see her tonight to see how we are going to proceed from here. she said she wants to move out and still see me??? I'm not cool with that. I suppose she just wants to lay off easy.

I said to her, "don't leave." she said "I haven't. you've just never been in."

[Manomanman]

SHE is not the issue. YOU are. Fix yourself. Go to Steve's CGW. You've got attachment issues. You are no longer a child, you're an adult. You're giving all of your power up to your relationships.