Moving Out...

[elliot]

I need to move out. I have tried to work around some basic obstacles while here but it seems my efforts have failed. I like my family and think they mean well, but at the same time...

1. My efforts at having even friends over have failed. Other than most of my friends not being around anyway, it turned into a huge thing about not wanting 'transient' people over. I really have only had friends come over twice in the last two years. I'm 26, that's pretty bad.

2. I have tried to work with my mom on this, but I think it's a wasted effort. She doesn't accept me being gay, doesn't want me to come out of the closet to people she knows / are in the neighborhood, worries too much about what other people think and doesn't want me to have company over. Then she disagrees with me meeting people online, out of fear one of them will be psycho. I actually got loud about it, for the people who know me this is something I rarely do. It pains me to yell at someone I love, especially when they are the only person I really can depend on other than myself. How long is this going to go on though

Seriously though, I still feel like I'm 16 even though I'm 26... Actually I know people who are younger than that who have friends come over. What happened to the idea of parents wanting to get to know who their kids are dating? Is it a double standard being that I'm not heterosexual? Perhaps I haven't had the kind of relationships you want me to have because I could never feel comfortable even having a normal platonic friend over without fear of being judged. I'm tired of living inside a box. Some days I want to sell everything I own, move out and just start over from scratch.

[elliot]

I went on a bit of a rant there. Didn't leave a whole lot left for people to really comment on. I'm trying to focus on getting out of debt right now. At least get the car paid off. I owe about $8900 right now, just wrote two checks out for 1500 and 500. Then comes the 41k of student loan debt... What do you think my action plan should be?

[JMonkey]

It's ok to be honest, I'm 26 and living at home and actually never have friends round either. I don't mind that, I can go see my mate around the corner who's Mum has moved out their family home to go live with her new partner.

I think the main issue is always independence. You need to have your own space for you to grow in. I feel like a lodger in my own house, but when my Mum sometimes says goodnight it makes me angry, because like you, I feel like a kid again.

Still...My sister just moved back home and she's 30 and now living in the 'box room' on a bunkbed

[mysticaltyger]

Originally Posted by elliot

I went on a bit of a rant there. Didn't leave a whole lot left for people to really comment on. I'm trying to focus on getting out of debt right now. At least get the car paid off. I owe about $8900 right now, just wrote two checks out for 1500 and 500. Then comes the 41k of student loan debt... What do you think my action plan should be?

I'm gay so I understand your plight. I left home at age 18 to go away to college and never came back. I told my parents I was gay over the phone from a distance 2500 miles away from home. They eventually got over it--were probably better than a lot of people would have been.

You are right. You are 26 being treated like a 16 year old. Gay or not, it's time for you to find a new place to live.

One possibility might be looking for a roommate situation to keep your rent low. Just make sure the roommates are gay or gay friendly. Gay or gay friendly roommates in your age range might provide for a really nice social network.

As far as the debt thing goes, you might consider finding a 2nd job (I know, hard to do right now) or finding some kind of way to make extra money on the side so that you can pay off the debt sooner.

Are you watching your expenses? Most people spend about 20% more than they think they do. If you're really motivated to get out, track your expenses every day for a month and see how much you spend. I bet you'll be surprised at how much you can blow on small amounts over the course of a month.

What it really comes down to is this.....how bad do you want your independence/freedom? You're stuck with 2 kinds of bondage right now. You've got the social aspect of being gay and still living with an unaccepting parent. And then you've got the financial aspect of being in debt over your eyeballs. I would say you should probably at least pay off the car before you move out, if you can do that within the next year. But I would not wait longer than 1 year.

I also recommend a really good book on money and career management called The Difference by Jean Chatzky. This woman did research on the traits of well off and rich people and narrowed it down 20 traits that the "financially comfortable" and "rich" people have. The more of the traits the people studied had, the more likely you were to be "financially comfortable" or "rich". She really hones in on the essentials and shows the beaviors/attitudes that got people out of what she calls the "paycheck to paycheck" and "further in debt" categories into the "financially comfortable" and "rich" categories. Unfortunately, almost 70% of Americans fit into the bottom 2 categories, although she says it's usually not because of inadequate income.

The book is an easy read and is one of those books you can dip into again and again. She provides quite a few good psychological strategies to help you adopt more positive behaviors/attitudes. The other good thing about the book is that the traits promoted that lead to financial and career success also lead to satisfaction in other areas of life as well.

Here's the link. Best of luck and feel free to email me if you have any questions or need support:

Amazon.com: The Difference: How Anyone Can Prosper in Even The Toughest Times (9780307407139): Jean Chatzky: Books

[elliot]

I suppose part of it is relative. However, I think there needs to be a point where we 'grow up'. It would be different if there was someone close who I could just go stay with. However that is currently not the case. Also a lot of people move out, only to come back a few years later. I want to make a clean break. If I move out, I don't want to come crawling back asking for my room back. I don't have any siblings and often have a lot of alone time. Not always the best thing for someone who craves at least a little bit of attention from another.

Originally Posted by JMonkey

It's ok to be honest, I'm 26 and living at home and actually never have friends round either. I don't mind that, I can go see my mate around the corner who's Mum has moved out their family home to go live with her new partner.

I think the main issue is always independence. You need to have your own space for you to grow in. I feel like a lodger in my own house, but when my Mum sometimes says goodnight it makes me angry, because like you, I feel like a kid again.

Still...My sister just moved back home and she's 30 and now living in the 'box room' on a bunkbed

[aelle]

Originally Posted by mysticaltyger

You are right. You are 26 being treated like a 16 year old. Gay or not, it's time for you to find a new place to live.

Absolutely. Your mom has way too much control on your life. She won't let you become an adult. It's more than time to move out and grow.

There are ways to agressively pay off debt and become financially independent. I guess it depends how hard you want it, as Mysticaltyger put it. Here's a bit of an extreme example from which you could reap a few ideas... but even without going there, there are plenty of ways to reduce your spendings, increase your income, pay off your debt and become financially independent.

[elliot]

mysticaltyger, you hit all the main points. I kind of wonder how my life would have been if I did that.

I have thought of roommates. It would be an adjustment though. Think I would need to downsize a bit. I have a lot of books that would best either remain here, sold, given away or put in storage. I have thought of a 2nd job, in some ways I guess I thought it was beneath me, but it would take me closer to my goal of being out of debt.

I am doing my best to cut back on expenses. Thinking of doing a planet fitness membership for $10/mo instead of the current 40/mo program I use right now. Downgraded to a cheaper iPhone package, which will save me 240+ per year. Buying soups and other foods at the supermarket that are on sale. Not making any big ticket purchases. Going la carte where possible if it makes sense.

I will take a look at that book. I think I've seen here on the Oprah show a few times.

Originally Posted by mysticaltyger

I'm gay so I understand your plight. I left home at age 18 to go away to college and never came back. I told my parents I was gay over the phone from a distance 2500 miles away from home. They eventually got over it--were probably better than a lot of people would have been.

You are right. You are 26 being treated like a 16 year old. Gay or not, it's time for you to find a new place to live.

One possibility might be looking for a roommate situation to keep your rent low. Just make sure the roommates are gay or gay friendly. Gay or gay friendly roommates in your age range might provide for a really nice social network.

As far as the debt thing goes, you might consider finding a 2nd job (I know, hard to do right now) or finding some kind of way to make extra money on the side so that you can pay off the debt sooner.

Are you watching your expenses? Most people spend about 20% more than they think they do. If you're really motivated to get out, track your expenses every day for a month and see how much you spend. I bet you'll be surprised at how much you can blow on small amounts over the course of a month.

What it really comes down to is this.....how bad do you want your independence/freedom? You're stuck with 2 kinds of bondage right now. You've got the social aspect of being gay and still living with an unaccepting parent. And then you've got the financial aspect of being in debt over your eyeballs. I would say you should probably at least pay off the car before you move out, if you can do that within the next year. But I would not wait longer than 1 year.

I also recommend a really good book on money and career management called The Difference by Jean Chatzky. This woman did research on the traits of well off and rich people and narrowed it down 20 traits that the "financially comfortable" and "rich" people have. The more of the traits the people studied had, the more likely you were to be "financially comfortable" or "rich". She really hones in on the essentials and shows the beaviors/attitudes that got people out of what she calls the "paycheck to paycheck" and "further in debt" categories into the "financially comfortable" and "rich" categories. Unfortunately, almost 70% of Americans fit into the bottom 2 categories, although she says it's usually not because of inadequate income.

The book is an easy read and is one of those books you can dip into again and again. She provides quite a few good psychological strategies to help you adopt more positive behaviors/attitudes. The other good thing about the book is that the traits promoted that lead to financial and career success also lead to satisfaction in other areas of life as well.

Here's the link. Best of luck and feel free to email me if you have any questions or need support:

Amazon.com: The Difference: How Anyone Can Prosper in Even The Toughest Times (9780307407139): Jean Chatzky: Books