Confused about a girl's flirting (Please Read)

[DazednConfused]

During the summer my cousins introduced me to a friend of theirs. Although somewhat of a flirt I always felt that she treated me differently than other guys. The summer was ending so I expressed my feelings for her but she told me she was not looking for a relationship right now.

The summer ended and I tried to move on with my life but couldn't. Eventually, I called her and we continued to talk for the next couple of weeks as friends. She was still flirty but I knew that it was all part of her nature. However, during one conversation she dedicated and sang a very beautiful/emotional song to me. At a following conversation she innocently tricked me into believing that she was pregnant so that she could hear my reactions. I started believing that she had started to grow feeligns for me.

When I confronted her she told me that she didn't want to be in a relationship (again) but this time explained that she didn't trust guys due to a previous experience. She also thought that I didn't really like her and categorized me with other guys saying "Plenty of guys have told me that they liked me, but none have ever meant it."

Of course I told her that she could trust me and that I did love her (seeing as how she is the first girl I ever opened my heart to). But, she seems to have the same unrequited love for the guy who broke her trust. In the end she told me that she never meant to lead me on and although she doesn't love me she grew to really like me. I'm just wondering, if she really did like me (as a friend) why would she blatantly flirt with me when she knew it would hurt me? Also, if she ever does move on from her unrequited love could it be possible for us to have a relationship or am I already in the 'friend zone'?

[sushanth]

Dear DazednConfused,

I find your story remarkably similar to mine. I have a friend who i thought was flirting with me and was interested in me. I developed feelings for her and told her about it. She has the same thing to say to me that 'she was not looking for a relationship right now'. She too is the first girl i opened up my heart to, and needless to say, i'm squished. I'm just as dazed and confused as you are, lets see if some others have a perspective on this.

[iDreamCatcher]

The "Game".
Nothing is carved on stone regardless of words said. Listen less and act more. Girls need 2 types of guys: listeners and the ones who act on them.
Listeners are left to listen to her adventures about the ones who act.
The choice is yours.

[DerekH]

Originally Posted by DazednConfused

When I confronted her she told me that she didn't want to be in a relationship (again) but this time explained that she didn't trust guys due to a previous experience. She also thought that I didn't really like her Thats because you never showed her that you liked and categorized me with other guys saying "Plenty of guys have told me that they liked me, but none have ever meant it."

Of course I told her that she could trust me and that I did love her (seeing as how she is the first girl I ever opened my heart to) Interesting definition of love. But, she seems to have the same unrequited love for the guy who broke her trust. In the end she told me that she never meant to lead me on and although she doesn't love me she grew to really like me. I'm just wondering, if she really did like me (as a friend) why would she blatantly flirt with me when she knew it would hurt me She flirted with you to give you a sign that she wanted you to move things along? Also, if she ever does move on from her unrequited love could it be possible for us to have a relationship or am I already in the 'friend zone'? Yes you are

Did you try to move things along?

Did you try to kiss this girl? Take her out to do something fun?

Isolate where you can move things further than kissing?

For all the girls I've slept with, only one has taken longer than the 2nd date... and it happened on the third date with her.

If you are thinking that you want to build a relationship with her first before you have sex, then you are thinking backwards.

With any initial encounters with a girl, you want to show her your masculine qualities. Dominance, resourcefulness, leadership, etc.

From then on after you have shown those and had some sexual intimacy with her that you should look to build a relationship with her... that is if you choose to.

If a girl sleeps with you quickly, it doesn't mean she is a slut. By quickly I mean within 3-4 hours of meeting. Sometimes even quicker.

All of my serious girlfriends have come from that.

[zabjoa]

She is testing you, she is comparing you to previous dudes, in other terms she is justifying what she has learned by making you expose a reaction she don't want but look for. You need to be strong, the right attitude is like a justified arrogance and still be nice. You need to remember that if she is looking for somebody, then that somebody has to be better then she is(feels she is) aka a partner.
And don't do anything dumb as confessing your feelings, it seems logical but it is not beneficial.

[DazednConfused]

@DerekH: You have a point, my definition of love is too naive and it's possible that she noticed that. How can I show her that I'm different than other guys?

@zabjoa: She already knows about my feelings for me so what should I do now?


My biggest obstacle seems to be her feelings for her previous boyfriend. This guy has moved on and has already hurt her. Should I talk to her about this or should I just ignore it and hope that she'll forget about him over time.

I haven't talked to her since we had this conversation on Monday and I was wondering what the appropriate time was for me to call her back. I don't want to call her too soon because I still need some time to get over her but if I call her too late I'm afraid that any possible feelings she might have will be gone.

[LifeFirst]

Originally Posted by DazednConfused

The summer ended and I tried to move on with my life but couldn't. Eventually, I called her and we continued to talk for the next couple of weeks as friends. She was still flirty but I knew that it was all part of her nature. However, during one conversation she dedicated and sang a very beautiful/emotional song to me. At a following conversation she innocently tricked me into believing that she was pregnant so that she could hear my reactions. I started believing that she had started to grow feeligns for me.

She tricked you into believing something....and you just let it slide. Ignore the red flag and volunteer to be the prey in her web.


Look, someone play a trick like that on my emotions......that would be the end of it.

[DazednConfused]

@LifeFirst: I let it slide because I thought that her 'joke' was a way for her to figure out my true feelings for her, as a sort of test. However, what confuses me is that is she didn't have any feelings for me there would be no reason for her to do this. Am I just being delusional or over-thinking all of this?

[TonyToneTone]

Women are emotional beings. You cannot confront her logically the same way you could a man. You have to make her feel something for you, then you've got her hooked. The second you said "The summer was ending so I expressed my feelings for her" I knew it didn't work.

I would do something light and playful with her. Take her out for drinks somewhere cool (providing that you're both 21 or older). Have fun, act like everything's no big deal. Go on with your day as if she's just any other girl. Invite her to stuff when you're free. Try this different approach and you should be able to have her.

My 2 cents, she sounds like she's just having fun right now so have fun right back. If you're both having fun together it could lead into something.

If you believe in the LOA think of it like this, you're serious and she's not so it equals no connection. If she was serious but you weren't it would also equal no connection. But if you're both having fun..... maybe a serious connection

[Mynder]

Do you really think it's "okay" to mess with people like that just to prove a point to yourself?

Do you really think her tricking you (which is just a polite way of saying she had you believe in something that is not true, which in one word is usually called lying) is acceptable?

If she is so insecure, she somehow seems to feel undeserving...or as if she can't have what she wants, but at the same time she wants it so bad she tries to both prove herself right and prove herself wrong.

She's got to sort this out...but I suggest you stop letting her play you like a ragdoll. Set boundaries. Be clear. And however much it hurts...walk away if things don't change.

Would you like to be stuck in a year-long relationship with this girl if that means this kind of "testing" continues over and over again? Read the signs...confront her about it, let go of your "need" of her which will only make her more powerful and more inclined to "play you". Either she wants to really find out whether you're different, in which case she needs to commit, or she's just spinning in her own circle, or looking for somebody else who "gets her". Either way...you're better off distancing yourself from any feeling of "needing her".

[pjhaggerty]

Here's my interpretation of this.

She was flirting with you because she liked you. Things were good. She probably didn't think it would end and didn't think you'd get hurt.

When you told her how you felt, it kinda ruined it. I'm not saying you shouldn't express your emotions. I'm saying that in my opinion it would have been more effective to show her how you felt by starting to treat her like you would if she were your girlfriend. If she was uncomfortable with it, make her bring it up. You were obviously comfortable with dating her.

I'm assuming that you guys don't have easy access based on your post (i.e. she's not your next door neighbor). If this is the case, then nothing's going to happen anyway until you guys are around each other reliably.

To answer the question you asked, yes, I believe that now you are in the friend zone. However, I don't think that getting out of the friend zone will have anything to do with her ex. In order for you to get out of the friend zone, you're going to have to move on. You're going to have to live your life to the fullest. Go date some other girls. Go follow you passions. Go have fun.

You're going to have to let her come back to you. When she reopens communication, she's interested. At that point, you'll be having so much fun that she'll be attracted again and it's all good. And if she doesn't, then you are having so much fun that it doesn't matter.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by DazednConfused

... she didn't trust guys due to a previous experience. She also thought that I didn't really like her and categorized me with other guys saying "Plenty of guys have told me that they liked me, but none have ever meant it."

Sounds to me like she is being run by the gremlin of an old limiting decision. That gremlin has her trying to prove the belief she has isn't true, and at the same time trying to avoid other people finding out it IS true. There is no way to convince someone that their gremlin isn't true -- it's like trying to fill a bottomless pit. (I'm guessing her belief is something like "I'm unlovable.")

Now, you're trying to convince her that you're different, that you really DO mean it, plays right into her unconscious game -- her gremlin thrives on guys doing that; it's wonderful food that keeps the belief alive. You are exactly like all those other guys in that by trying to *fight* the gremlin on your own terms, you unwittingly keep it alive and happy.

If I were you, I'd ask myself what my own belief about myself is, the belief that is complementary to hers and has drawn you in. Dismantle that belief, and you'll have all kinds of freedom and choice with this woman, and with every other woman. Until you examine your own beliefs, you'll almost certainly keep repeating this pattern over and over again, wondering "what is it with all these unavailable women?!?"

[Mynder]

"what is it with all these unavailable women?!?

I hear spirit4711 keeps them all locked up in his attic. SCNR.

[neilward2]

I have come accross this type of woman over and over and over again in my line of work.

Simple answer: She has had trouble with previous guys messing her around combined with (I would suggest) family problems..... you will need to speak to her on that. She in insecure. She needs constant attention and praise. She wants to treat guys like they treated her. This is why she flirts with you, it's all a big game - she is treating you like her toy. Sorry to be so blunt. Bottom line: it is all about her.

Simple solution: I would not get into a relationship with this type of woman. There are plenty of other women around that will not cause you problems and mess you around. If you get in deep with her, you will not be able to escape, I have dated a woman like the lady you describe, and it was very hard work. It took a long time to break off my ties with her as you end up feeling like her protector as opposed to her lover.

Hope this helped.

[TonyToneTone]

I just realized your name is DazednConfused and you're confused about something.....

[TonyToneTone]

Edit. Nevermind...

[ang569]

Originally Posted by neilward2

I have come accross this type of woman over and over and over again in my line of work.

Simple answer: She has had trouble with previous guys messing her around combined with (I would suggest) family problems..... you will need to speak to her on that. She in insecure. She needs constant attention and praise. She wants to treat guys like they treated her. This is why she flirts with you, it's all a big game - she is treating you like her toy. Sorry to be so blunt. Bottom line: it is all about her.

Simple solution: I would not get into a relationship with this type of woman. There are plenty of other women around that will not cause you problems and mess you around. If you get in deep with her, you will not be able to escape, I have dated a woman like the lady you describe, and it was very hard work. It took a long time to break off my ties with her as you end up feeling like her protector as opposed to her lover.

Hope this helped.

I agree with most of this. Some girls CRAVE confirmation that they are wanted, especially if they have been rejected in the past. Think of strippers, they get off on the attention that the man gives them. There is always a line. Most of the time it stems from bad previous relationships.

[suddentwist]

Well, what I have to say, you might not want to hear, but I will say it anyway. Of course, I only know what you've written in your post - I don't know how she really acts with you, the way she speaks to you etc. Those, I think are most of the time great ways to tell if a girl is really into you or just "into you".

From what you've written and from my own experience (I am a girl who also got her heart broken a few years ago and shortly after met a guy similar to you), I think she is just "into you". As others have mentioned in their replies, most women are insecure. She just had her heart broken by some dude, so it's pretty certain that she's dealing with some sort of insecurity. Then, you came along. You showered her with kind words and paid her a lot of attention. She was flirty back because of her insecurity. I'm sure she liked/likes you as a person, but I think that right from the beginning you were seen as a friend type for her. It would help me make a better assumption if I knew your age - but these sorts of things usually happen when you're still quite young. Perhaps late teens, maybe early 20's.

Anyway, if she's still hung up over the guy who broke her heart, it's probably going to stay that way for a while and only someone either very similar to him or another ****** will be able to get her. You, the nice guy who treats her right, is overlooked. Unfortunately that is too often true with women. I think this is one of our biggest flaws.

As for what you could do - well, you could try being more assertive, but I would suggest you give it a rest. Don't be eager to talk to her. Don't write e-mails every day. Don't message her the moment she comes online. In fact, just stop everything you're doing. Don't be mean, and if she starts a conversation with you don't blow her off. Be the same person you are. But perhaps all she needs right now is some space. She finds your attention flattering and she doesn't want it to end, but it's exactly when it ends that she'll start appreciating it more.

[whitehawkman]

Do try not to overthink it, I've stifled much of my efforts doing that.
She said didn't want relationship but does she want friendship?
She lied (for whatever reason) , can you live with that, sounds like you aren't one for mind games.
Do you really love her or just infatuated with her so that you are ignoring her obvious insecurity and questionable approach to your relationship.
I'm not trying to answer for you, just asking the questions you should be answering to get beyond the confusion.
If a bit of time apart means her feelings dissappear is that the relationship you want, after all she has very quickly moved on from a previous relationship.
Dont be the one who gets hurt, you will suffer more than her I think.
Think carefully before jumping back into this one, be sure, but keep the issues simple.

[DazednConfused]

I'd like to thank everyone for their feedback. I still haven't moved on but your messages have shown me that it was not completely my faul that this relationship was unable to work out. Perhaps under different circumstances it might have, but I'll try not to think about details like that. Most importantly, this experience has taught me alot, and hopefully will help me in my next relationship.

[Writertype]

That sucks man. It sounds like you are really into this girl, but she's just not that into you.

So, what do you do from here? I recommend going after other girls. Date around, have fun, learn more about life and love and women. Maybe one day she will change her mind about you, but by then you may have changed your mind about her.

[marito]

Originally Posted by DazednConfused

During the summer my cousins introduced me to a friend of theirs. Although somewhat of a flirt I always felt that she treated me differently than other guys. The summer was ending so I expressed my feelings for her but she told me she was not looking for a relationship right now.

The summer ended and I tried to move on with my life but couldn't. Eventually, I called her and we continued to talk for the next couple of weeks as friends. She was still flirty but I knew that it was all part of her nature. However, during one conversation she dedicated and sang a very beautiful/emotional song to me. At a following conversation she innocently tricked me into believing that she was pregnant so that she could hear my reactions. I started believing that she had started to grow feeligns for me.

When I confronted her she told me that she didn't want to be in a relationship (again) but this time explained that she didn't trust guys due to a previous experience. She also thought that I didn't really like her and categorized me with other guys saying "Plenty of guys have told me that they liked me, but none have ever meant it."

Of course I told her that she could trust me and that I did love her (seeing as how she is the first girl I ever opened my heart to). But, she seems to have the same unrequited love for the guy who broke her trust. In the end she told me that she never meant to lead me on and although she doesn't love me she grew to really like me. I'm just wondering, if she really did like me (as a friend) why would she blatantly flirt with me when she knew it would hurt me? Also, if she ever does move on from her unrequited love could it be possible for us to have a relationship or am I already in the 'friend zone'?

I'm a bit late into the party but I can give you one good rule that will help you with women. Never (and I mean NEVER) try to understand what they do. It will break your mind.

It's not easy to leave Friends Zone, but it's still doable. Just work to be the "cool" friend who has other women, fun everywhere, who is popular, etc... She'll look at you with different eyes. If you are lonely and desperate it's easier for her to keep you in FZ as long as she feels like it.

And of course it's hard to become the cool guy. But you can make it! Just make a habit of working hard for it =) Good luck!

[James81]

Look at it like this...

You've attracted a girl like this into your reality, and you find yourself attracted to a girl like this. What does this tell you about yourself?

I've been down this road, so I can offer you some of the stuff I discovered about myself when I was attracting these types of women into my reality. Here's some things I discovered about myself:

I was insecure.
I was needy and clingy.
I lacked self confidence.
I had low self esteem.
I overcompensated my insecurities by trying to please people.
I had no boundaries in my relationships and let people walk all over me.

When you look at that list, do you see why that type of person would attract this type of girl? To me, it's so abundantly clear why this type of guy would attract these types of broken girls into their lives because they are a perfect "fit" for each other.

For example, insecurity in yourself will attract women who are insecure with themselves. This insecurity is usually due to negative experiences they've had in their past.

Needy and clinginess will attract the types of girls who want attention. Because you are needy, you will shower whoever comes into your life with more attention than the average guy, and as such girls like this will revel in that attention.

A lack of self confidence and self esteem will attract a girl will will dominate the relationship. She'll lead you around by the nose because she knows she can and can get away with it.

Overcompensation will attract girls who ultimately feel bad about themselves, but are validated by the overcompensation you give them. (i.e. overly nice)

No boundaries will attract women who will constantly push you to face your boundaries. Girls are always testing your boundaries, and the fact that you have none (or very little) shows her that she can toy with you however she wants and get away with it cause you won't say anything other than stuff she wants to hear.

***

The issue is, though, that all these qualities are qualities that women find grossly unattractive. So, the dynamic will always be such that you are constantly pursuing her approval while she gives you just enough attention to keep you confused/hooked to her so that you will validate her with your attention.

The realistic advice here is for you to put her out of your life. But most guys never take or follow that advice until it's far too late and they are too hurt (and thus become bitter).

So the advice I give to you is to face these qualities in yourself and start improving them.

[achtungbaby91u2]

Originally Posted by DazednConfused

During the summer my cousins introduced me to a friend of theirs. Although somewhat of a flirt I always felt that she treated me differently than other guys. The summer was ending so I expressed my feelings for her but she told me she was not looking for a relationship right now.

The summer ended and I tried to move on with my life but couldn't. Eventually, I called her and we continued to talk for the next couple of weeks as friends. She was still flirty but I knew that it was all part of her nature. However, during one conversation she dedicated and sang a very beautiful/emotional song to me. At a following conversation she innocently tricked me into believing that she was pregnant so that she could hear my reactions. I started believing that she had started to grow feeligns for me.

When I confronted her she told me that she didn't want to be in a relationship (again) but this time explained that she didn't trust guys due to a previous experience. She also thought that I didn't really like her and categorized me with other guys saying "Plenty of guys have told me that they liked me, but none have ever meant it."

Of course I told her that she could trust me and that I did love her (seeing as how she is the first girl I ever opened my heart to). But, she seems to have the same unrequited love for the guy who broke her trust. In the end she told me that she never meant to lead me on and although she doesn't love me she grew to really like me. I'm just wondering, if she really did like me (as a friend) why would she blatantly flirt with me when she knew it would hurt me? Also, if she ever does move on from her unrequited love could it be possible for us to have a relationship or am I already in the 'friend zone'?

Stay away from that crap man ive been in your situation before, and its just a game to them. They like to tease and theyll just keep letting you down. Heres some advice for All women, dont every get too attached otherwise itll end harder and youll feel worse than it actually is

[Gracestars]

From my experience, "not looking for a relationship" usually means "I'm not interested in you." Sad but true. Perhaps it's time to look to greener pastures.

[SmartAlx]

Absolutely true. I've seen it time and again. Girl tells a guy she is not ready for a relationship. 3 weeks later she is involved in a serious relationship.

Always take what a girl says with a grain of salt.

BTW, I agree with suddentwist.. She knows. Your girl has baggage. She is damaged. She has not moved on. Until she overcomes the damage and sheds her baggage she will never be able to have a genuine healthy relationship. You don't want to be the rebound guy, do you? Well maybe that is exactly what you were.

Can you help her to get over her ex? Probably not, and if you tried you would probably end up in the FZ permanently.