How to start a social life

[Majesticzero]

One year ago I told myself I wanted to change my social life. In the last year I've changed a lot. I've become more positive and happy. But until this day I haven't become more social.

Here is the story.

When I was going to primary school I always was very lonely. I think this has to do with my introvert personality. The second thing that comes in mind is my parents. They've never been social. They don't have a lot of friends so I didn't really learn how to 'be' social. Me being lonely at primary school changed into being bullied all the time.

When I went to secondary school things changed a little. I got a couple of 'friends'. The problem was that I could never become real friends... I could never get 'close' with people. As in: know them really good and see each other often.

After secondary school I got a couple of the same 'friends' as in secondary school. I went out with them in pubs but never went to their homes.
Also after I changed completely about 2-3 years ago (becoming more positive and changed clothes etc.) they all left me.

In this current period I go a lot to my sports centre and I talk to a lot of different people. But I never get further than just talking.

How can I get to know them better? Like going out with them?

I feel really stuck. I get better at talking to strangers, but going a step further seems impossible at the time.

[Jarrod]

First up it does seem like you are making progress, no matter how slow it seems.

Secondly it is probably worth really defining what you want your social life to be in order to be happy with it.

You said you wanted to 'go out' with people. What is the feeling that you want to gain from 'going out with people'?

An example underlying goal might be that you really desire to be able to have honest conversations with people that care about what you care about. Just an example.

There is another approach you can try, instead of trying to get people to, go out with people; try going out to meet people where other people go out to meet people.

So go to places and do things that you enjoy and are interested in that other people also participate in.

So if you love art, go hang out at an art gallery, like basketball? join a team.

It's not about making people like you. If you be yourself and enjoy being yourself then there will be other people who like to be around you.

Remember to that it is fine for you to initiate the 'going out', invite people to a new restaurant you want to try, invite people to your place.

Make it an experiment and try stuff out. If you fail there are a lot of people left to try

[Tanja]

Originally Posted by Majesticzero

One year ago I told myself I wanted to change my social life. In the last year I've changed a lot. I've become more positive and happy.

Congrats on the changes so far!

Originally Posted by Majesticzero

In this current period I go a lot to my sports centre and I talk to a lot of different people. But I never get further than just talking.
How can I get to know them better? Like going out with them?

Okay, so you don't have trouble approaching people and striking up a conversation. What do you usually talk about? I'm sure that, in addition to going to the same sports centre, you could find other things you have in common. What kind of music do they listen to? So, invite them to a concert. Movies? Invite them to go the cinema with you.
Or just invite them for a coffee, like a group coffee, something like ''hey guys, we see each other only here in the sports centre, how about going for a coffee somewhere else?''

And I agree with Jarrod's suggestions too:

Originally Posted by Jarrod

try going out to meet people where other people go out to meet people.

So go to places and do things that you enjoy and are interested in that other people also participate in.
So if you love art, go hang out at an art gallery, like basketball? join a team.
If you be yourself and enjoy being yourself then there will be other people who like to be around you.

Remember to that it is fine for you to initiate the 'going out', invite people to a new restaurant you want to try, invite people to your place.

[Majesticzero]

@ Jarrod:

When I want to go shopping I would love to go with a friend. And I would love to be asked to go with a friend instead of being the one who asks. I would also love to have a birthday where I can ask a couple of friend to visit me.

I think I would be a lot happier if I didn't feel lonely. If I had people around me to have fun with.

The feeling I want to get from going out is being around people.

@ Tanja

I mostly talk about sports. Because I'm at the sports centre it's the most easy subject to talk about. I would also like to talk about music and other stuff but I usually don't... and I don't really know why. Most other people don't really ask about stuff either.


Thanks for your posts! It really helps me think about this subject and I hope I can learn a lot to develop my social life.

[Tanja]

Originally Posted by Majesticzero

I mostly talk about sports. Because I'm at the sports centre it's the most easy subject to talk about. I would also like to talk about music and other stuff but I usually don't... and I don't really know why. Most other people don't really ask about stuff either.

I know that, being at the sports centre, sports is the most usual subject, but if you want to find out more about people and their interests bring up the other subjects as well.
Ask them to recommend you a movie to see, a concert to go to etc.
Why focus only on the sports centre, how about people from work/school?

[Manomanman]

There is no such thing as a "stranger". We're all human beings. We all like feeling positive and happy. We all feel pleasure, and we all feel pain.

That rift you create between yourself and others must be eliminated.

[Jarrod]

Originally Posted by Majesticzero

@ Jarrod:

When I want to go shopping I would love to go with a friend. And I would love to be asked to go with a friend instead of being the one who asks. I would also love to have a birthday where I can ask a couple of friend to visit me.

I think I would be a lot happier if I didn't feel lonely. If I had people around me to have fun with.

The feeling I want to get from going out is being around people.

I see you took the time to think and honestly answer those questions, keep up that honesty and I think you can make great progress.

Here's some more questions for you.

If you would love to be asked to go shopping with someone is it possible that someone else would love to be asked to go shopping with to?

If someone asked you to go shopping with them would you feel more inclined to ask them to go shopping with you later?

If someone asked you to go shopping but you didn't really want to go shopping at that time or with that person would it make you feel happier just because someone asked you? If yes then can you see how by asking others you not only get the chance to enhance your own life but by default you are going to make other people feel better about themselves.

I know I prefer to hang out with people who make me feel better about who I am.

You said you wanted the feeling of 'being around people', to me this sounds like an initial goal. Imagine you had already achieved this and had an awesome social life. What sort of interactions would you have with people then? What would you do? What you talk about? What would they talk about with you?

Listening to how you answered the questions asked of you I think you have a lot of potential to live whatever sort of social life you choose.

[James81]

How old are you?

Are you still in high school or in college or anything like that?

Cause if you are, it's pretty easy to start a social life in those situations. You just joing up with clubs and get involved with your school.

If you're not in school, then you handle it in a similar way. You find local organizations, clubs, or charities and get involved. You have NO IDEA how many of the programs in the community are literally ACHING for volunteers (cub scouts, little league, etc.). They have so much trouble getting volunteers to help run these things, it's crazy.

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by Majesticzero

@ Tanja

I mostly talk about sports. Because I'm at the sports centre it's the most easy subject to talk about. I would also like to talk about music and other stuff but I usually don't... and I don't really know why. Most other people don't really ask about stuff either.

Sports is a good thing to talk about, do you play sports "you can tell more about a person in 15 minutes of play, than an hours conversation" - Plato

Have you ever thought about asking them about music? You thought about going to gigs alone? it's better than it seems, and sometimes you meet much more people than you would going with friends.

As well, I don't think friends are such an achievement. Like, usually we don't consciously say to people "can I be your friend?" it's just you notice you like doing the same stuff as each other, and so end up doing it together and then before you know it, you've started a friendship..

[Jarrod]

Just came across an article you might find interesting: Wayne Dyer’s Top 8 Tips for Building a Better Social Life

[Majesticzero]

Originally Posted by Jarrod

If you would love to be asked to go shopping with someone is it possible that someone else would love to be asked to go shopping with to?

Yes! I think this is very true. But as long as I don't ask people, I have the feeling they don't have a big interest in being asked by me. And I sometimes ask a friend to go shopping with me. But he never asks me in return.

Originally Posted by Jarrod

If someone asked you to go shopping with them would you feel more inclined to ask them to go shopping with you later?

Yes I would. But I think I see it more as something I'm supposed to do when someone asks me. I need to return something for it.

Originally Posted by Jarrod

If someone asked you to go shopping but you didn't really want to go shopping at that time or with that person would it make you feel happier just because someone asked you?

No I think not. If someone asks me and I don't wanna go I will try to find an excuse to just not go...

Originally Posted by Jarrod

You said you wanted the feeling of 'being around people', to me this sounds like an initial goal. Imagine you had already achieved this and had an awesome social life. What sort of interactions would you have with people then? What would you do? What you talk about? What would they talk about with you?

I would probably go to a bar with them or go shopping. Maybe see a movie or something. I think I wouldn't invite them home that fast because I live at my parents home and I don't feel superb about that. Also a reason to get my own house ;-)

About the talking. I would probably talk about work, sports, music, and other hobbies.


Thanks for the questions, I really helps me to see things more clear!

[Tanja]

Originally Posted by Majesticzero

In this current period I go a lot to my sports centre and I talk to a lot of different people. But I never get further than just talking.

How can I get to know them better? Like going out with them?

Any news/changes?

[Majesticzero]

Originally Posted by Tanja

Any news/changes?

Except from responding to Jarred's questions, not really.
Well I'm becoming more aware of my feelings and what I want, little by little.

So that's definitely a step in the right direction