confused and depressed

[monroe]

hi
im new to this blog site
if you wanna call it that

id like to start it out by telling you all about myself a little
im 16 and for my personal saftey id like to be called monroe.
ive had a really rough child hood
and as a result im experiencing a really hard teenage life

i dont really know what is wrong with me and i really would like to figure it out

i tried therapy but it didnt do much

(sorry for the length... in advance)

where to start
i guess when i was sexually abused by my cousin
he was my best friend and he took advantage of it
i was 6

in 4th grade i met the most amazing boy in the world
he has kept me strong for so long
he just hasnt really known how bad it was

in the right now part of my life
im dating the boy i just mentioned and we are beyond love
we arent physical but i think that it will help in the long run.


i love the idea of my life
i just hate the life i live right now
now dont get me wrong there are ups
but mainly downs

and i just really want to understand what is wrong with me

[ill try to explain it but it might fail...epicly]

when im in school i sit in each class in a tensed state of silence just waiting for the bell to ring
and then i walk the halls feeling so beyond alone that i almost cry
and it repeats itself all 6 hours of my school day

when i get home and someone wants to hang out ussually i make up an excusse not to so i dont have to face people and deal with my life

when im around people i get socially awkward and i cant keep any conversation going
its like everything goes in one ear and out the other
litterally
or i just seem like im lost in space or not there at all
and im very very awkward with everyone
even my sisters
and my best friends

my boyfriend told me today that he was worried about me
and i asked why and then he told me that it seems like im spaced out all the time
or that i just dont want anything to do with him

and i knew that he knew that there was something much worse wrong then my day to day bullshit
that i always let get to me way more intensly then it should

and i dont want him to know
i just want it to go away
so i can stop crying all the time over something that i dont even know


so please help me
or just advice would be nice



[ps; i cant spell to save my life]

[rei]

i think you need to remember your personal power.
i recently gained experience providing therapy to survivors of sexual abuse so i am pretty familiar with the spaced out thing.

there is a specific technique - most sexual assault counselors know of it, if they aren't certified themselves they can get you connected with someone who is certified. it's called EMDR and basically it helps with flashing back to snapshots of the scenario. people can flash back without realizing it (what i mean is, even if someone doesn't see a mental picture of what happened, that person's mind can still be going back to the moment of trauma), drawing attention to a past moment can lead to the spaced out thing. i recommend finding a counselor who knows EMDR - a colleague of mine in the professional realm actually sought this method to help her get over the death of a child and it only took one session - everyone's experience with it is unique but i mention that it only took one session because i think you could use some hope

another thing i would recommend, also would need someone qualified, it's called soul retrieval (this is not the same as the religious idea of a soul, it's different). it can be done in person and some practitioners can do it by long distance, like over the phone or even while you sleep. thing is though you should shop around to find someone who seems right and who has a reasonable price - there are practitioners on the web, most of the good ones will probably be certified in core shamanism and have "FSS" near their names. when people experience any type of trauma, in a lot of cases it causes a piece of their essence to jump out of them. a person who knows how to perform a soul retrieval goes and finds the missing piece of the self and returns it to the body. if a part of the self is missing it can cause a feeling of being spaced out, not as aware of your body (for example, bumping into furniture) and basically a sense of something missing.

i think either of these would help you. i also think you could give counseling another shot. maybe you didn't have a strong connection with the counselor you saw before or maybe it was an issue of trust. but i think it's worth trying again.

hope this helps, if you want more info about any of my suggestions let me know - and welcome to the forums!

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by monroe

and i dont want him to know
i just want it to go away
so i can stop crying all the time over something that i dont even know

Your past can never go away as long as you need to keep it a secret. Secrets require your fear to keep them under wraps, so as long as you have this secret you will be afraid of everyone. So you psychologically cut yourself off from the people around you, leaving you alone and afraid with your hidden past.

What are you afraid it will mean if you don't hold this inside? Are you afraid that if you let it out then everyone will judge you based purely on the basis of having been abused? Are you afraid that everyone you love won't be able to deal with your emotions and reactions to the subject? Do you think that there's something wrong with you that this happened to you, that maybe you deserve your pain? Could the consequences of your secret becoming known be worse than the consequences of keeping it inside?

I think you keep it inside because you think you'll eventually get over it without ever having to release it to the outside world. But you can't have your cake and eat it too. As long as you hold it inside, that's where it will be. It won't just go away on its own, no matter how long you keep it under wraps. You have to let it go. Maybe that doesn't mean telling anyone, maybe it does. Either way, you must release and confront the fear of your secret getting out. You may be able to keep it private without keeping it secret, but then again you may not. You might have to find someone to relinquish your past to, not just words describing what happened but feelings also. You have to relinquish your shame, to give over responsibility and blame for what was done to you.

[monroe]

hey,
the cloud

i didnt mean that i dont want him to know about my abuse
because everyone that loves me dearly already knows
and they try to help but sometimes it isnt enough

he is the only thing that really makes sense
but sometimes is a confusing sense

i appriciate the help
and i thank you

[monroe]

dear rei,
[love the name]

in my days of therapy i did some emdr work and it was effective
and i really enjoyed my time with her
she was like my best friend
she really understood me

i just couldnt afford to see her anymore
but im trying to work out a way to go back

i was wondering about the second option you recomended
the sould retrieval
please write back about it
thank you

monroe~

[rei]

Originally Posted by monroe

dear rei,
[love the name]

in my days of therapy i did some emdr work and it was effective
and i really enjoyed my time with her
she was like my best friend
she really understood me

i just couldnt afford to see her anymore
but im trying to work out a way to go back

i was wondering about the second option you recomended
the sould retrieval
please write back about it
thank you

monroe~

hi monroe,

glad you like my nickname i like it too.
each state has a crisis center, funded by grants, where survivors can speak to a counselor regardless of their ability to pay. i did a quick search online and found one in Dickenson, ND, dunno how close that is for you but the point is that they have trained specialists and since they get funding through grants you could see someone for free. or at least they would have a sliding scale.

the other option... i checked here http://www.shamanicteachers.com/ and i searched for your state but there weren't any listings. even so, you can find shamanic practitioners on the internet and many of them will do a session over the phone (the healing that they facilitate occurs outside of a strictly physical reality, so physical distance is not a problem for them). soul retrieval is a very common shamanic practice, so really it's just a matter of finding a practitioner who feels right and who will give you a reasonable price for the work. if you click on that link at the top of this paragraph it gives you info about finding a practitioner that's right for you.

soul retrieval addresses the spiritual aspect of disharmony instead of the emotional (therapy) or the physical (medical docs). the shaman goes into a light trance and takes a journey into the non-physical realms to find any missing soul parts, then the shaman returns them to the person. the shaman may offer info about what he/she saw on the journey, ideas for welcoming home the returned essence, or other ideas that would be helpful for where the person is at on the path of life.

this process may sound quite strange, but it is not fake. a shaman can return the missing part of essence, and this is an incredibly healing thing, but most practitioners would still suggest finding someone to talk to so you can get any support you may need, and to help you examine anything else that comes up for you.

another fairly simple way to address the blues is the get regular exercise. even a brisk walk once a day, some place safe and preferably natural (like a park or a track at a school) is even more healing.

so i hope i have given you some helpful info about soul retrieval. i realize it may sound weird but i hope that doesn't turn you off to the idea. i suggest looking online to see what you can find. here's a list of search results to get you started: shamanic healer - Google Search

[iDreamCatcher]

Good close friend is the best. Therapies, especially moderns ones - unlikely. Conversation with someone whom you can trust is the best therapy.
Communication == Love. Love is what you need and being listened to, in trust and in safe connection - is probably the good idea?

[rei]

Originally Posted by iDreamCatcher

Good close friend is the best. Therapies, especially moderns ones - unlikely. Conversation with someone whom you can trust is the best therapy.
Communication == Love. Love is what you need and being listened to, in trust and in safe connection - is probably the good idea?

i agree a conversation with a close loved one is very beneficial. although many loved ones are not as sure of how to be fully supportive when someone has been through something so difficult. still listening is the main thing. and good conversation is very helpful but many people find lasting change is easier to get to with support from someone trained to offer it.

and... for the record, soul retrieval is not a modern therapy. it is much older than any of the forms of therapy in use today. it goes back to prerecorded history. the shaman is the original doctor/counselor/healer.

[rawxstasy]

I suffered alot of sexual abuse growing up. I was even abused by a therapist and I was 32 years old at the time. I went to a regular therapist for seven years. It did help some but what really helped was the alternative healing therapies that others have mentioned. I was able to heal much more quickly. I have not tried the shamanism but the others mentioned, I have done and I felt it was much more effective than regular talk therapy.

Just try to get some help anyway you can. The longer you let it go on, you will feel more anxiety ( I was having panic attacks because I didn't want to deal with my past ) You are still young, I believe you will be able to heal more quickly than I did. I really didn't start doing anything about it until I was 35 years old. I just kept hoping if I ignored it, everything would go away.