Personal Development for Smart People^TM Forums

SmartAlx · 10-15-2009, 08:53 AM

Do you think it's important to have sex with someone before you marry them?

Oh, and please, by religion, I mean traditional religion. Jewish, Christian, Islam, Buddhist, Mormon, Wicca. If your personal beliefs aren't in line with the general population of the religion you belong to, then please go with your religion's opinion on the matter, not yours.

ssandra · 10-15-2009, 09:45 AM

Hi,

I think it is just as important to know if you are compatible sexually as it is to know if you are intelectually and spiritually.

Sex is very important in a relationship (in a good one anyway) so you want to make sure that you have the same ideas about it.

It doesn´t mean that you have to be the same, but it does mean that it works better if you are companitble.

aelle · 10-15-2009, 09:55 AM

I voted "Yes. It's not against my religion. I'm female." but there's a bunch of caveats.

First, I don't believe marriage is any more than a contract, so I feel the question is quite irrelevant. One would definitely benefit from being intimate before making any sort of long term commitments to their partner, though, be they marriage, a morgage, a business together, a child...

Second, I don't believe there's a single definition of "sex"... I definitely don't think it's limited to penis-in-vagina action, for instance.
Edited because I feel this requires a bit of development: We are sensual and sexual beings since birth - even before that, actually. We look for sensual satisfaction through ourselves and other humans all our lives, with a separation between sensual and sexual happening around puberty. Cuddles, hugs, skin to skin contact, hand holding, kisses, massages, caresses, masturbation, oral sex, coitus are some of the many ways to satisfy our sensual/sexual needs. Why an artificial line is drawn between some of them to define what is sex and what isn't, or - worse - what is pure and what isn't, makes no sense to me.

Third, I think it's preferable but I don't think people should do it. I don't believe in musts or interdictions.

And last, I said it's not against my religion because I don't consider myself religious. But technically I'm still a baptised roman catholic who just hasn't gotten around to ask for her apostasy yet. It just takes a while to remember it as I haven't thought of myself in these terms for years.

TonyToneTone · 10-15-2009, 09:58 AM

Funk yeah! You gotta test drive the car before you buy it.

brendannz · 10-15-2009, 10:05 AM

Yep, a marriage is a piece of paper and a series of promises in front of friends and family.

So I think if you're going to make these promises, and you feel the need to experiment beforehand, then doing so is only going to reinforce the promise made, right?

honesty's important for living an authentic and quality life, I think...

I agree with aelle about the shoulds and musts though..

ssandra · 10-15-2009, 11:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by aelle

a business together

I agree with your entire post, but are you sure you ment to write business as well

I don´t think i really want to have sex with my father-in-law, yet we have started a business togehter...

cascogal · 10-15-2009, 11:25 AM

I believe it's important to "trial" all aspects of a relationship before marriage (don't I sound cold-hearted!

). Afterall, the sex may be wonderful, but what if your spouse has questionnable personal habits, can't hold down a job, is a secret drinker, is a slob around the house ... or perhaps you are? Personally, I'd much rather discover my partner's true nature before signing on the dotted line. Let's face it, the sex is always "amazing" at first (or we're so high on love we manage to convince ourselves it is). Sex plays an important part in marriage, but there's so much more to a relationship than that ... isn't there? Will your spouse be able to offer you the cuddles and emotional support you need? Will you be able to, or want to, give to them emotionally?

You can't really know someone until you share a home with them; until you see them (and they you) in all your glory.

My husband and I lived together for four years before we married. And yes, I was aware before we married that he is completely unable to put dirty clothes in a laundry basket, that his movement through a room leaves a trail of destruction behind, but balanced against all the other wonderful things about him ... I can live with it, but better to know BEFORE you make it official!

brendannz · 10-15-2009, 11:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cascogal

that his movement through a room leaves a trail of destruction behind, but balanced against all the other wonderful things about him ... I can live with it, but better to know BEFORE you make it official!

That's funny, because I didn't realise that I stomped around the place. (making an earthquake while walking) until I went flatting with people my own age.

Now, I know I have to be careful to tiptoe sometimes

spirit4711 · 10-15-2009, 11:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TonyToneTone

Funk yeah! You gotta test drive the car before you buy it.

LOL!

You gotta test drive many cars, even if you've no intention of buying

. Driving is fun in itself!

aelle · 10-15-2009, 01:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ssandra

I agree with your entire post, but are you sure you ment to write business as well

I don´t think i really want to have sex with my father-in-law, yet we have started a business togehter...

No no, I'm thinking in terms of romantic relationships only

MidasGirl · 10-15-2009, 02:37 PM

Why should (the possibility of) marriage be a determinant of whether to have sex or not? I can understand a person not wanting to have sex before marriage because they fear they might become pregnant and don't want to raise a child outside of a marriage relationship, but besides that I think it's quite an irrelevant factor. Unless of course, due to trying to stick to a religious law.

TonyToneTone · 10-15-2009, 06:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by spirit4711

LOL!

You gotta test drive many cars, even if you've no intention of buying

. Driving is fun in itself!

LOL! This has me cracking up. Good stuff!!!

aggie · 10-15-2009, 06:33 PM

i don't think for everyone it is necessary, and i kind of admire the ones that don't require it.

not strictly for religious reasons, if i had it to do over (my whole social, dating, sexual life leading to relationships....i would probably do it differently...and for that reason i would have ended up with different people most likely and had a different life. but that is on hindsight on living a life where i concentrated on my own life and goals more.

not that it would necessarily be better or what i did was bad...but sex definitely complicates things and at the very least, if indulged in too soon in a relationship, imo, unless you are out for a fling, can lead you down a path that you may not have intended and muddies the other qualities of a relationship at times.

Angela · 10-15-2009, 06:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SmartAlx

Do you think it's important to have sex with someone before you marry them?

Do you mean, like, with both the bride and the groom? You'd want to be careful, because that can get your officiant's license revoked, but it can lead to bigger tips if done skillfully.

No one but the three of you has to know what all that winking during the ceremony is all about.

James81 · 10-15-2009, 06:58 PM

Considering that sex is probably the most important thing in a romantic relationship, then, yes, you should probably try it before you get married.

ssandra · 10-15-2009, 07:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by angela

do you mean, like, with both the bride and the groom? You'd want to be careful, because that can get your officiant's license revoked, but it can lead to bigger tips if done skillfully.

No one but the three of you has to know what all that winking during the ceremony is all about.

lol

VetTechJess · 10-15-2009, 07:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by spirit4711

LOL!

You gotta test drive many cars, even if you've no intention of buying

. Driving is fun in itself!

I can't help but to think of this when I think of why its important to have sex before marriage:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7nJy68M0c_k

In all due seriousness of the matter though: I do think you should have sex before marriage. I waited until I was almost 21 before I had sex, but I still had sex and even though we temporarily separated--we are back together working things out and have open communication--I would still do it all over again.

spirit4711 · 10-15-2009, 07:34 PM

@VetTechJess:

I think in general we attach way too much importance to sex. It's there to enjoy, to share, not to get excited about. Well, strike that last part.

But seriously, our (sex)lives would be much more fun without the ballast of religious dogmas about sex. 'Practice makes perfect' is more applicable IMO.

aggie · 10-15-2009, 07:40 PM

i think it is a little unfair to chalk it all up to or "blame" it on religious dogma.

there are a lot of other reasons, philosophies if you will, that dictate someone's behavior about the who , where ,when and why about sexual encounter.

and i am not speaking of alcohol or drugs

spirit4711 · 10-15-2009, 08:09 PM

What other reasons?

Angela · 10-15-2009, 08:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by spirit4711

What other reasons?

Recognition of one's tendency to do the oxytocin bond, is one reason.

Diandra25 · 10-15-2009, 08:21 PM

for me,i think it is.

but for example if both want to go virgin because of the religion they believe in,i dont see a problem ( and only if you dont find then that one might be...gay..)

but let me explain why i think it is really important:

sex is a way of loving.a very intimate one.there is a special intimacy that only comes from sex you know...and you will only find if you both have that special chemistry when you do it!

imagine that after you marry,one partner is sadomasoquist and you are a quite shy and more into the "regular" sex..

what will you do???and if you didnt had sex before it,you both will only know it when it is too late.....if i were in that situation i would surely regret not to have found it sooner...

aggie · 10-15-2009, 08:39 PM

i don't dispute all the reasons TO do it before.

i DID, but not for the right reasons.

and as i mentioned in my earlier post, it wasn't "bad," but sometimes i wished certain relationships didn't start and end with sex. that i had learned more about myself before i found out how my bodied functioned with the opposite sex

i think some people who chose to wait, are usually like minded whether by "religous" beliefs or other.

i think some people can be very "spiritual" about sex and intimacy without being "religious."

whether it sounds corny or weird to someone else, some people may still believe it is a "gift" to each other.

i think others can transcend the importance of sexual relations with other mutual passions that channel more of their energy to something else that they share.

SmartAlx · 10-15-2009, 08:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Angela

Recognition of one's tendency to do the oxytocin bond, is one reason.

Yes. That is ax EXCELLENT reason to not have sex with someone you aren't mated to. And that's biological, not religious.

Angela · 10-15-2009, 08:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SmartAlx

Yes. That is ax EXCELLENT reason to not have sex with someone you aren't mated to. And that's biological, not religious.

Yeah. That's one of the reasons why Catholic Girl Sex was invented.

James81 · 10-15-2009, 08:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Angela

Yeah. That's one of the reasons why Catholic Girl Sex was invented.

Hmm, I'm not sure exactly what this is, but I gotta admit the mere thought of it turns me on.

aelle · 10-15-2009, 08:47 PM

Hang on. Is there something I don't know about oxytocin that's being alluded to here? The only well researched cause and effect of this hormone I know of is labor and mother-child bonding. I'm guessing that's not what we're talking about.

Angela · 10-15-2009, 08:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by James81

Hmm, I'm not sure exactly what this is, but I gotta admit the mere thought of it turns me on.

I'm too much of a lady to use the vulgarism, but I'm sure you'll understand when I tell you that it is polite to provide your Catholic girlfriend with a nice comfy pillow for her tender knees. This particular act does not seem to trigger the release of the bonding hormones, as do others.

I think that plaid mini-skirt is probably a big part of the fun, too.

Angela · 10-15-2009, 08:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by aelle

Hang on. Is there something I don't know about oxytocin that's being alluded to here? The only well researched cause and effect of this hormone I know of is labor and mother-child bonding. I'm guessing that's not what we're talking about.

Google "sex oxytocin" and you'll find a whole lotta studies on how we release oxytocin and other bonding hormones during sex; apparently women generally tend to do this more than men, but men do it, too.

aggie · 10-15-2009, 09:05 PM

cheeeese...THAT was what my problem was all along

View Poll Results: Do you think it's important to have sex with someone before you marry them?
No. It's against my religion. I'm male.	1	1.52%
No. It's against my religion. I'm female.	1	1.52%
No. Even though it's NOT against my religion. I'm male.	1	1.52%
No. Even though it's NOT against my religion. I'm female.	4	6.06%
Yes. It's not against my religion. I'm male.	32	48.48%
Yes. It's not against my religion. I'm female.	18	27.27%
Yes. Even though it's against my religion. I'm male.	4	6.06%
Yes. Even though it's against my religion. I'm female.	5	7.58%
Voters: 66. You may not vote on this poll

10-15-2009, 08:53 AM	#1 (permalink)
SmartAlx Senior Member Join Date: May 2008 Location: Houston Posts: 909	Do you think it's important to have sex with someone before you marry them? Do you think it's important to have sex with someone before you marry them? Oh, and please, by religion, I mean traditional religion. Jewish, Christian, Islam, Buddhist, Mormon, Wicca. If your personal beliefs aren't in line with the general population of the religion you belong to, then please go with your religion's opinion on the matter, not yours. Last edited by SmartAlx; 10-15-2009 at 08:59 AM.

10-15-2009, 09:55 AM	#3 (permalink)
aelle On Vacation Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: France - Japan - Korea Posts: 3,241	I voted "Yes. It's not against my religion. I'm female." but there's a bunch of caveats. First, I don't believe marriage is any more than a contract, so I feel the question is quite irrelevant. One would definitely benefit from being intimate before making any sort of long term commitments to their partner, though, be they marriage, a morgage, a business together, a child... Second, I don't believe there's a single definition of "sex"... I definitely don't think it's limited to penis-in-vagina action, for instance. Edited because I feel this requires a bit of development: We are sensual and sexual beings since birth - even before that, actually. We look for sensual satisfaction through ourselves and other humans all our lives, with a separation between sensual and sexual happening around puberty. Cuddles, hugs, skin to skin contact, hand holding, kisses, massages, caresses, masturbation, oral sex, coitus are some of the many ways to satisfy our sensual/sexual needs. Why an artificial line is drawn between some of them to define what is sex and what isn't, or - worse - what is pure and what isn't, makes no sense to me. Third, I think it's preferable but I don't think people should do it. I don't believe in musts or interdictions. And last, I said it's not against my religion because I don't consider myself religious. But technically I'm still a baptised roman catholic who just hasn't gotten around to ask for her apostasy yet. It just takes a while to remember it as I haven't thought of myself in these terms for years. Last edited by aelle; 10-15-2009 at 10:27 AM.

10-15-2009, 11:25 AM	#7 (permalink)
cascogal Junior Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 3	Don't just dip your toe in the water ... live together first! I believe it's important to "trial" all aspects of a relationship before marriage (don't I sound cold-hearted! ). Afterall, the sex may be wonderful, but what if your spouse has questionnable personal habits, can't hold down a job, is a secret drinker, is a slob around the house ... or perhaps you are? Personally, I'd much rather discover my partner's true nature before signing on the dotted line. Let's face it, the sex is always "amazing" at first (or we're so high on love we manage to convince ourselves it is). Sex plays an important part in marriage, but there's so much more to a relationship than that ... isn't there? Will your spouse be able to offer you the cuddles and emotional support you need? Will you be able to, or want to, give to them emotionally? You can't really know someone until you share a home with them; until you see them (and they you) in all your glory. My husband and I lived together for four years before we married. And yes, I was aware before we married that he is completely unable to put dirty clothes in a laundry basket, that his movement through a room leaves a trail of destruction behind, but balanced against all the other wonderful things about him ... I can live with it, but better to know BEFORE you make it official!

10-15-2009, 02:37 PM	#11 (permalink)
MidasGirl Family Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Off this forum from 10/27/10 to 10/27/11. Yay me! Posts: 2,944	Why should (the possibility of) marriage be a determinant of whether to have sex or not? I can understand a person not wanting to have sex before marriage because they fear they might become pregnant and don't want to raise a child outside of a marriage relationship, but besides that I think it's quite an irrelevant factor. Unless of course, due to trying to stick to a religious law. Last edited by MidasGirl; 10-15-2009 at 02:40 PM.

10-15-2009, 09:45 AM	#2 (permalink)
ssandra Banned Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Mexico City Posts: 11,168	Hi, I think it is just as important to know if you are compatible sexually as it is to know if you are intelectually and spiritually. Sex is very important in a relationship (in a good one anyway) so you want to make sure that you have the same ideas about it. It doesn´t mean that you have to be the same, but it does mean that it works better if you are companitble.

10-15-2009, 09:58 AM	#4 (permalink)
TonyToneTone Family Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Posts: 1,040	Funk yeah! You gotta test drive the car before you buy it.

10-15-2009, 10:05 AM	#5 (permalink)
brendannz Family Member Join Date: Feb 2008 Posts: 3,612	Yep, a marriage is a piece of paper and a series of promises in front of friends and family. So I think if you're going to make these promises, and you feel the need to experiment beforehand, then doing so is only going to reinforce the promise made, right? honesty's important for living an authentic and quality life, I think... I agree with aelle about the shoulds and musts though..

10-15-2009, 06:33 PM	#13 (permalink)
aggie Family Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 2,235	i don't think for everyone it is necessary, and i kind of admire the ones that don't require it. not strictly for religious reasons, if i had it to do over (my whole social, dating, sexual life leading to relationships....i would probably do it differently...and for that reason i would have ended up with different people most likely and had a different life. but that is on hindsight on living a life where i concentrated on my own life and goals more. not that it would necessarily be better or what i did was bad...but sex definitely complicates things and at the very least, if indulged in too soon in a relationship, imo, unless you are out for a fling, can lead you down a path that you may not have intended and muddies the other qualities of a relationship at times.

10-15-2009, 06:58 PM	#15 (permalink)
James81 Banned Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 12,690	Considering that sex is probably the most important thing in a romantic relationship, then, yes, you should probably try it before you get married.

10-15-2009, 07:34 PM	#18 (permalink)
spirit4711 Family Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Nong Seng Posts: 3,975	@VetTechJess: I think in general we attach way too much importance to sex. It's there to enjoy, to share, not to get excited about. Well, strike that last part. But seriously, our (sex)lives would be much more fun without the ballast of religious dogmas about sex. 'Practice makes perfect' is more applicable IMO.

10-15-2009, 07:40 PM	#19 (permalink)
aggie Family Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 2,235	i think it is a little unfair to chalk it all up to or "blame" it on religious dogma. there are a lot of other reasons, philosophies if you will, that dictate someone's behavior about the who , where ,when and why about sexual encounter. and i am not speaking of alcohol or drugs

10-15-2009, 08:09 PM	#20 (permalink)
spirit4711 Family Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Nong Seng Posts: 3,975	What other reasons?

10-15-2009, 08:21 PM	#22 (permalink)
Diandra25 Family Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 1,072	for me,i think it is. but for example if both want to go virgin because of the religion they believe in,i dont see a problem ( and only if you dont find then that one might be...gay..) but let me explain why i think it is really important: sex is a way of loving.a very intimate one.there is a special intimacy that only comes from sex you know...and you will only find if you both have that special chemistry when you do it! imagine that after you marry,one partner is sadomasoquist and you are a quite shy and more into the "regular" sex..what will you do???and if you didnt had sex before it,you both will only know it when it is too late.....if i were in that situation i would surely regret not to have found it sooner...

10-15-2009, 08:39 PM	#23 (permalink)
aggie Family Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 2,235	i don't dispute all the reasons TO do it before. i DID, but not for the right reasons. and as i mentioned in my earlier post, it wasn't "bad," but sometimes i wished certain relationships didn't start and end with sex. that i had learned more about myself before i found out how my bodied functioned with the opposite sex i think some people who chose to wait, are usually like minded whether by "religous" beliefs or other. i think some people can be very "spiritual" about sex and intimacy without being "religious." whether it sounds corny or weird to someone else, some people may still believe it is a "gift" to each other. i think others can transcend the importance of sexual relations with other mutual passions that channel more of their energy to something else that they share. Last edited by aggie; 10-15-2009 at 08:49 PM.

10-15-2009, 08:47 PM	#27 (permalink)
aelle On Vacation Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: France - Japan - Korea Posts: 3,241	Hang on. Is there something I don't know about oxytocin that's being alluded to here? The only well researched cause and effect of this hormone I know of is labor and mother-child bonding. I'm guessing that's not what we're talking about.

10-15-2009, 09:05 PM	#30 (permalink)
aggie Family Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 2,235	cheeeese...THAT was what my problem was all along

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