Do you think it's important to have sex with someone before you marry them?

[SmartAlx]

What? Having sex with men you didn't want to bond with?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by SmartAlx

What? Having sex with men you didn't want to bond with?

Exactly. You know, kind of like how men sometimes have sex with women they're not interested in having a romantic relationship with? Like that.

[aelle]

Ah, is that it! Well luckily I do not have this particular problem

[spirit4711]

I must say, never heard before of oxytoxin bond. Fascinating forum this.

And Catholic Girls, well...

[Angela]

Love that song. Reminds me of my yout'.

[spirit4711]

[off topic] the rest of the album is also cool. from my youth as well LOL [/off topic]


@SmartAlx, what do you expect from the poll?

[aggie]

no, no, no. i wanted to have sex and i bonded with men i just wanted to have sex with.

[James81]

Originally Posted by Angela

I'm too much of a lady to use the vulgarism, but I'm sure you'll understand when I tell you that it is polite to provide your Catholic girlfriend with a nice comfy pillow for her tender knees. This particular act does not seem to trigger the release of the bonding hormones, as do others.

I think that plaid mini-skirt is probably a big part of the fun, too.

I was really hoping you'd be vulgar with us.

[Strangemagik]

No I don't and I voted with the lone other person NOT religion based reasons.

I think sexual chemistry is important don't get me wrong. However, I think if you have love, emotional/spiritual connection and great communication skills sex will come around even if its not all fiery chemistry from start. I've found in my few serious relationships that the one that had the most amazing sexual chemistry is the one that lacked the most lasting relationship qualities(emotional connections and communication). In other words I think sexual chemstry can be learned and the others are far more important to have.

[Strangemagik]

Originally Posted by spirit4711

But seriously, our (sex)lives would be much more fun without the ballast of religious dogmas about sex. 'Practice makes perfect' is more applicable IMO.

Ya practice can make perfect and if the emotional connections is there then it can be far more satisfying than all the fiery sexual chemistry of a lustful session. That's my opinion and experience anyway.

I wanted to add that I'm not against having sex before marriage but the true question was is it important and honestly I don't think it is.

[aggie]

i forgot how i voted

bottom line...i guess it doesn't matter to anyone but the individual....but if you decide NOT to....it shouldn't be attributed strictly to "religious dogma,"...that is unfair labeling.

[spirit4711]

Originally Posted by aggie

i forgot how i voted

Look at the poll. Your vote is in italics.

[aggie]

thanks

my point being, i guess it doesn't matter anymore

[Gene]

Originally Posted by aggie

thanks

my point being, i guess it doesn't matter anymore

I have no global answer. For me the proof that sexual desires and interaction with my partner are compatible is a pleasant part of the courtship ritual.

As a male I have had the experience of having had sex with a person who was inappropriate as a marriage partner and bonding as a result of sex. In my case that person was my first wife.

[mysticaltyger]

Originally Posted by SmartAlx

Do you think it's important to have sex with someone before you marry them?

Oh, and please, by religion, I mean traditional religion. Jewish, Christian, Islam, Buddhist, Mormon, Wicca. If your personal beliefs aren't in line with the general population of the religion you belong to, then please go with your religion's opinion on the matter, not yours.

In the past, I would have said yes. But I don't think it's essential. I think the expectations we put on sex have gone from one unhealthy extreme (back in the 50s when it was repression) to another today when it seems a lot of people expect sexual ecstasy every time they're together (I know I was kinda like that for longer than I care to admit).

Even if the sex is super hot at the beginning, it tends to get less so over time unless you work at the sex and more importantly, at the relationship.

[mysticaltyger]

Originally Posted by MidasGirl

Why should (the possibility of) marriage be a determinant of whether to have sex or not? I can understand a person not wanting to have sex before marriage because they fear they might become pregnant and don't want to raise a child outside of a marriage relationship, but besides that I think it's quite an irrelevant factor. Unless of course, due to trying to stick to a religious law.

I can think of several possibilities why it is good to wait besides having a child out of wedlock.

One possibility would be that some people can get addicted to the adrenaline of having sex with a "new" partner and never committing to anyone. I know I had that problem for a long time.

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by mysticaltyger

I can think of several possibilities why it is good to wait besides having a child out of wedlock.

One possibility would be that some people can get addicted to the adrenaline of having sex with a "new" partner and never committing to anyone. I know I had that problem for a long time.

That reason would be the same as saying you should never drink even 1 glass of alcohol, because you might become an alcoholic... you can never shop, shopaholic etc.

If you get addicted to something there is always another reason behind it. It is never just the thing you are addicted too...

[TheGoddessMaria]

Originally Posted by aelle

I voted "Yes. It's not against my religion. I'm female." but there's a bunch of caveats.

First, I don't believe marriage is any more than a contract,

Second, I don't believe there's a single definition of "sex"...

Third, I think it's preferable but I don't think people should do it. I don't believe in musts or interdictions.

We have similar beliefs! As for your third point, I think what's really important is the agreement of any people being intimate about what defines marriage and sex. The conversation that would ideally take place early on in a relationship, far before any legal contracts should be signed, would answer this question :What actions are acceptable to each individual within the defined relationship parameters, with regards to "marriage" and "sex"?

I bring to the table the experience of being in a sexual minority, coming from a happy 17 year marriage - without a commitment to monogamy, but with a strong commitment of loyalty to each other.

I have known one couple who both waited to have sex (most of it!) because they were so excited to learn together! They were able to, in part, hold off because they didn't want to risk pregnancy until they were married, in part for health care coverage. The bride and groom even read about sex and talked about it a lot beforehad, and the bride took "marital aids" (to use an olllllld term) she had bought from me on the honeymoon. Well, they're off and running smoothly I hear : she says she's happy, and he says he's happy, too!

[Mynder]

Wow, you learn something new every day, and today has been especially rewarding so far.

That said, I agree with what many posters before me said.

I also can understand when people decide to wait until marriage before having sex (preferably together). However, there are upsides and downsides to it.

On the upside, it certainly has a deep emotional effect to have your first sex with the one person you think you will be sharing the rest of your life with (on the other hand, isn't that always the case when we fall in love?). It also cuts down on the risk of accidental pregnancy, catching any kind of disease transferred through intercourse that an unknown sex partner might have, and so on.

On the downside, you may find that you're either bound for a hellish time on Earth when you find out you really don't meet each other's preferences in the bed - or a very swift divorce, which kind of makes the whole concept absurd.

So, getting to know your future "love of your life" for a longer time, including being intimate, can cut down on the surprises further down the road. To say this makes it "important to have sex...before you marry them" remains debatable. But I would personally prefer it to walking into a long-term relationship half-blind.

[rei]

Originally Posted by SmartAlx

Do you think it's important to have sex with someone before you marry them?

Oh, and please, by religion, I mean traditional religion. Jewish, Christian, Islam, Buddhist, Mormon, Wicca. If your personal beliefs aren't in line with the general population of the religion you belong to, then please go with your religion's opinion on the matter, not yours.

ok, i checked all the existing posts before i went here...
i didn't vote in the poll. there was not an option for those of us who don't belong to a religion, but who have some type of moral or ethical code that might come into play for this issue. my *former* religion - Southern Baptist branch of Protestant Christianity - would say 'true love waits.' i can understand how 'saving yourself' (based on a narrow definition of sex) would make sense for some people... and if both are virgins then both can learn as they go along. but if one is a virgin and the other isn't, it may contribute to problems.

SmartAlx, if you want people to vote based on the views of the general population of their religion, even if their personal beliefs clash with that view, why did you ask "Do you think it's important to have sex with someone before you marry them"? i suppose that has confused me, but maybe i am missing something. i barely got any sleep last night, so it wouldn't surprise me at all to learn i'm misunderstanding something there.

personally, i do think it is important to have sex with someone before you make a long-term romantic commitment whether or not it is a legal marriage. i also agree with much of what's already been said. however, some folks here have said sexual compatibility can be developed over time - BUT not every partner is very willing to be a student. (yes, guys say they want feedback and they appreciate it. that is generally true, but some guys have their standard...er...playbook and there isn't much deviation from it, regardless of the feedback given.)

i'd want to know whether the partner was genuinely open to making adjustments before i commit, and i'm sure many guys would say the same thing. i'd also want to know if the sizes and shapes were compatible. there is such a thing as too much of a good thing in some cases

[SmartAlx]

If you don't have a religion, then it can't be against your religion, right?

CHEESE! Why are you atheists so difficult??? You freaking know what I mean. Your hairsplitting is just smug and pissy.

[YourHumbleNarrator]

Originally Posted by SmartAlx

If you don't have a religion, then it can't be against your religion, right?

CHEESE! Why are you atheists so difficult??? You freaking know what I mean. Your hairsplitting is just smug and pissy.

No smuggier or pissier than your phrasing.

[aelle]

SmartAl, you haven't answered Spirit's question earlier. What do you expect from this poll? And since apparently the answers you're getting are making you angry, what are you going to do now?

Originally Posted by SmartAlx

If you don't have a religion, then it can't be against your religion, right?

CHEESE! Why are you atheists so difficult??? You freaking know what I mean. Your hairsplitting is just smug and pissy.

I actually don't really know what you mean. Do you mean that everyone inherently has a religion, like they have an ethnicity? (My sister has never been baptised or attended a single religious ceremony in her life... what's her religion?) Do you mean that the religion we were born into is ours for life, regardless of our beliefs? (Then what does that make of converts? And why would dropping a religion for another one be different from dropping a religion for a god-free set of beliefs?) Do you equate religion with beliefs? (Then what do you make of belief systems without external morals?)

Not everyone who's explained your phrasing was flawed is an atheist. Have you tried considering the fact that your assumptions when it comes to religion is out of line with most people's?

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by SmartAlx

If you don't have a religion, then it can't be against your religion, right?

So this entire thread was just a ruse to catch out atheists?

[spirit4711]

What if it was mandatory to have sex with say 5 different partners before you could marry?

[SmartAlx]

Originally Posted by brendannz

So this entire thread was just a ruse to catch out atheists?

No.

If you "don't understand" you are purposefully being obtuse, perhaps because you think that I am trying to trap you? I don't know why you are being obtuse, but you are using "don't understand" as an excuse to dismiss the poll when you really do understand.

I genuinely have no ulterior motive. I thought I demonstrated this already. I want as many people to partake as possible, regardless of their belief. But I want to know if religion plays a part in your decision or if your decision is counter to your own belief system. It's all about the statistics. The phrasing of the question doesn't matter. Just select one choice. Not at random obviously. Pick the one that is closest to you.

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by SmartAlx

I genuinely have no ulterior motive. I thought I demonstrated this already. I want as many people to partake as possible, regardless of their belief. But I want to know if religion plays a part in your decision or if your decision is counter to your own belief system. It's all about the statistics. The phrasing of the question doesn't matter. Just select one choice. Not at random obviously. Pick the one that is closest to you.

I've done so..

Sorry, I must apologise, maybe I was the one making accusations, not you

[aelle]

Originally Posted by SmartAlx

If you "don't understand" you are purposefully being obtuse, perhaps because you think that I am trying to trap you?

Or perharps because religion has so little relevance in your life that you find humourous to point out how grotesque the question sounds to you? general "you" obviously.

Originally Posted by SmartAlx

But I want to know if religion plays a part in your decision or if your decision is counter to your own belief system. It's all about the statistics. The phrasing of the question doesn't matter.

The phrasing matters very much. Having sex outside marriage is just fine in my belief system and yet it is against the religion I was born into.

[spirit4711]

Originally Posted by SmartAlx

...
I genuinely have no ulterior motive. I thought I demonstrated this already. I want as many people to partake as possible, regardless of their belief. But I want to know if religion plays a part in your decision or if your decision is counter to your own belief system. It's all about the statistics. The phrasing of the question doesn't matter. Just select one choice. Not at random obviously. Pick the one that is closest to you.

Are you posing this question also on other boards? Limiting it to this board won't give any useful statistics.

What conclusions do you draw so far?

[marinik]

What if we don't have a religion?