Emotions starting to confuse me.

[Hotrox]

So, lately I've been noticing people in relationships more and more. I notice my friends trying to push the topic up with me to find my standpoint on the topic. Basically I am a solo guy, I'm an Internet Marketer, have a few close friends, stay home alot, spend most of my time on the computer, always enjoyed doing solo activities more than team based ones.

I've had a few girlfriends before and have had sex one time drunk the other didn't go so great. I'm self conscious about my looks, chubby, big boned, soft bodied, and not very athletic though I do enjoy motocross (dirtbikes), lifting weight, martial arts, and running; I'm just not consistent with any of them. This lack of consistency and commitment has effected me most of my life with friends, relationships, and school.

--- I'm just trying to get as much info out as possible to help you better understand my situation, please bear with me. ---

Basically the situation I'm in right now is that I'm starting to realize I don't like people. Most things people do just annoy me and it really makes me want to not meet anyone. I enjoy a little time with people but after that little bit of time I just want to be alone and that's when I start to get agitated the most. I think this has a big part in why I'm still single, because I figure I'd probably just get annoyed with the person if I can't get any alone time.

But then another part of me thinks I'm just covering up a possible psychological problem such as social anxiety or something. I only bring this up because the other day at the grocery store a girl came up pretty close to me while I was checking out some Dragon fruit ( pretty exotic if you haven't seen it ) and I noticed I started to get a little bit of cold sweat and I could feel my face blushing. This could also be because I've been pushing people away for the most part that I'm just uncomfortable in those situations because of lack of experience.

--- This is seriously just a jumbled tirade of thoughts. ---

Part of me wants to be in a relationship with a girl, part of me wants to be in a relationship with a guy, and the other part of me just doesn't want anything to do with anyone. I definitely spend to much time thinking, since I'm alone a lot. I think of pros and cons for every situation, over analyze and over think a lot of things around me.

I seem to put up this defense mechanism with good points in time when I will let me self be more social and meet people. Like, "When I just make this much a month I can start getting out more." or "When I lose this much weight and look like this, I'll worry about getting a girlfriend." or "When I make that much money I can buy some new clothes so at least I'll look good but wait, I should lose that weight first then buy new clothes then I'll look and feel good and nothing will stop me."

Well I feel like I've been saying that for a long time.

I really don't know... I'm so lost and confused right now and I just don't know what to do, or what I want! Any input might help!

[ssandra]

Hi Hotrox,

It sounds as if you are well on your way to getting a depression. The less you interact with people, the worse you will find it.

I am an interovert myself, meaning that I do need my alone time. In the past I have been confusing this with not liking people and getting annoyed with them. I have realised since the more I withdrawl, the worse I feel about being around people.

Once I got my depression under control (what came first, depression or withdrawl of people is like the chicken and the egg...), and I got my self esteem up I felt better being around people. I liked a lot of people a lot more.

It seemed that I was projecting myself on other people. So, when I got annoyed with other people, I really got annoyed with myself. When I didn´t like other people, I really didn´t like myself...

My suggestion is to try and start small. Start with running. Make it a point, no matter what else you do in a day, to run 30 minutes. Do this for 30 days. If you do other things such as weights as well that is ok, but don´t make them your goal. Start small.
Once you have made a habit of this, you can start with other things.

It is good to keep on talking about this. You are not the only one with these feelings.

[Hotrox]

Thanks for the advice Sandra, I do need to practice building some good habits.

I got lost in writing that diatribe, but I would like to add; It seems like I don't care about a lot of things. I'm not sure if this is just another defense mechanism I developed from being really hurt in the past by a girl. But for most of my life, young life I'm only 20, it seemed that my motto was "F**k it" and I pushed everything aside. I find that now I don't care about people, but I want to care, I don't care about being in a relationship, but I want to care. It's really hard to explain and because of that I have my doubts that's how I really think.

[ssandra]

I understand what you are saying.

Therefore I really do think you should try to get out of it now, because it does sounds as if you are sinking away in a depression. Exercise is one of the best ways to help you get over it. After you made that a habit you can improve your eating habits. After that, you can start with some social activities. You will see that the better you feel about yourself, the better you feel about others as well.

[ar81]

Defense? When was the first time you felt threatened? Dig out your memories and realize that it is just past, a past wound that needs to healed.

That past event was an isolated incident. There is no reason why it should happen again if you only get close to people who helps you to be a better person, and stay away from people who are an obstacle to your goal of being a better person.

If you felt uncomfortable and defensive with someone, it is because that person made your past emotion to surface somehow, so you should say thank you to that person because surfacing emotions is the first step to heal emotions.

[Hotrox]

Well it's not just that one isolated instance that's causing all this confusion... it's just a bunch of things being crammed together. For example tomorrow my room mate is having a party at our apartment and obviously I'm going to be here but I really just don't want to participate. I just can't figure out why; if I take a min to think about it one emotion says I just don't want to meet all these new people and another says I'm nervous about it.

It seems like I just instantly go into these social situations with the thought that I probably won't like any of these people, I don't want anything to do with them, and I just wait for it to be over. And I think that stems from me just not caring about people in general, I don't care about their problems, I don't care about knowing them. But my emotions just swing so much that the next day I could be lonely and depressed.

I think a lot of this comes from being more of an outcast growing up and only getting along with a select group of unique individuals.

It's all really conflicting, I think I need to go see a psychologist.