A sensitive subject

[2bananasandamushroom]

This is my first time to post here, so hello everyone.

For some reason I am facing a really strange and hard situation which I am not longer able to handle on my own. Since this subject is very personal and sensitive, I can´t turn to my friends or family...so here I am, taking advantage of the anonymity that The Internet offers.

A little about the background: I`m a 21 year old girl, currently in a relationship with a man that I adore (he`s 24). We have been together for 2 years.

I probably should turn to a professional of somesort with this problem but once I explain to you what the problem exactly is, you should understand why I can`t.
My problem: yesterday my partner asked me what would I do/how would I react if we couldn`t have sex ever again...well we can have sex, but not sex, I hope you understand?
He has a problem, and I have been aware of this problem since the beginning of our relationship. He isn`t impotent or anything like that, on the contrary. He comes too soon. Sometimes he doesn`t last for like over 5 seconds. It wasn`t as bad in the beginning(we could have sex for an hour or so) but it has slowly progressed to that point. I should probably mention that he is a sensitive person, in a sense that he can sometimes sense what I am thinking and he feels energies-specially his own (he`s not psychic but just a bit more sensitive than other people). And about 3 years ago he figured out that he runs out of energy after he has an orgasm (orgasm with ejaculation). He gets very cold right after finishing, usually falls sick the next day, gets depressed etc. He researched this and found out that the Taoism teachings have discovered the same thing... that men loose energy with ejaculation... of course all men are different and maybe some need to loose it, to get rid of the excessive energy... Anyway, after that he visited someone who really sees energies (I know that person and he can be trusted) and that man told him that there is like a door in the men`s (maybe women`s too and maybe there are several doors, I don`t really know) energetic body that regulates the flow of energy out of the body and that his "door" isn`t working like it should and is always open. That guy also helped him and what he did had a positive effect for like 3 months... but not more than that....

Anyway, he has had better and worse periods... in the beginning we had sex and he didn`t worry about it as much since it wasn`t as bad, he also did some Taoist exercises after having an orgasm and they seemed to help. But even in the beginning when he managed to not run out of energy that much, there was always this fear playing in the background... and how he switched the mood right after finishing, the fear taking over, I was laying between the sheets in absolute bliss, feeling so good and close to him and then he would jump out of the bed, start pacing around the room and then go outside and do his exercises... it was emotionally hard for me... I couldn`t emotionally cope with the fact that something so good was followed by panic and such mood sifts. But finally I managed to cope, I put myself in his shoes and tried to take it easy.

We started having less and less sex eventually...since it got worse for him. He would always take care of my needs and I continued having orgasms but it`s not the same...

And then yesterday after he made me feel good, he asked what would I do if we couldn`t have real sex anymore. ever.
I started crying, but it was dark and he didn`t understand. I told him that I don`t know. Then he asked if I would leave him and I said no because I love him.

I know how hard it is for him... I can`t even imagine how I would feel if I were him... I just don`t know what to do or what to think... I don`t want to make him feel bad but the idea of not having real sex EVER AGAIN.. makes me cry.

[JSB]

If he is losing energy from sex, but is also familiar with Taoist exercises, he should learn to practice non-ejaculatory sex.

There are exercises that should help him learn to control ejaculation better, and he may eventually be able to develop non-ejaculatory orgasms. If orgasm is the problem, not ejaculation, he should still be able to have sex for the intimacy and forgo the orgasm. (Google karezza)

Some things that may help:

1. Karezza website
2. Book "The Multi-Orgasmic Man" by Mantak Chia
3. Magnesium mineral supplements in his diet (can help some men with premature ejac.)
4. Is he depressed? Depression can cause problems in this area. Going on some sort of SSRI to increase his serotonin, or taking a 5-HTP supplement to help serotonin production, may also help.
5. Daily qigong/taichi/reiki/energy work to bring his energy back into balance.

Good luck!

[aggie]

i was married the first time to a man who felt very much the same way...

frequent, energetic sex was for only early on in a relationship.

he followed/s roy masters' philosophy. (that is a whole other thread)

he too felt that there was a drain of "energy" with ejaculation (physically AND to a man's psyche energy).

it also had other issues about it because of past relationships and his fathers abuse (including sexually) to his mother....but i think the above mentioned doctrine was a good funnel for his lack of sexual involvement and to deal with it.

i tried to understand and be patient, but as a young woman, it was difficult physically and emotionally and very much contributed to some dysfunction in myself.

after a while i withdrew completely. when i tried to re-ignite any feelings i was met with disdain and rejection.

for that and a lot of other reasons the marriage collapsed.

unless he gets help/counseling to explore this further and the two of you can work out a compromise or a workable solution....you may be in for a world of hurt.

be grateful for the openess and honesty and keep that going....from both sides!

good luck.

[ssandra]

First of all, realise very well, not just intelectually but really that this has nothing to do with you!!
I understand how you feel. My sexlife is also not what I would like it to be. It is difficult and people from the outside cannot always see all the difficult emotions evolved in this situation.

just some observations:

If there is something not working in him with regards to his energy, doesn´t he think it would be better to work on it, instead of just stop having sex?

Seeing this guy worked for 3 months, can he not go to him every 3 months?

Can you talk to him about how you feel without him laying a guilt trip on you or you on him?

How is he with regards to his energy otherwise? I find that issues that deal with energy are not contained to only 1 area of a persons life. They usually show in other areas as well.. another reason to change the cause and not just the effect...

I wish you all the strenght and love in the world to deal with this. If you want to talk privately you can always sent me a pm.

[James81]

I think he needs to go to a doctor and see what the real problem is. I mean, I understand losing energy after an ejaculation (hell, my legs shake sometimes like a newborn giraffe), but to get sick the next day and all that? I think it would do him good to go to the doctor and see what his options are.

I also think that you should realize that problems in the bedroom are HUGE problems. You say you won't leave him because of it, but I can tell you very clearly that these problems has a lot of power to destroy your relationship. Most people don't realize how important sex is to a relationship, but it is. So, before you think about marriage or having kids with this man, I think you should work through this issue together and resolve it.

It will also help you to go see a counsellor or a therapist. You say you can't, but that's just an excuse. it is. This issue isn't THAT uncommon or weird, and I'm sure therapists have heard a LOT stranger things than this. Having someone to talk to and unload these thoughts on will help you immensely.